Sunday, December 18, 2005

Where a Kid Can Be a Kid


I was at Chuck E. Cheese last night. (Don't worry, I do have a kid. I didn't drive my van out to the parking lot and look for strays.) Generally speaking, there are two groups at Chuck E Cheese. There are the families who are either celebrating a birthday and/or have grandparents in town, and then there are the parents who have been completely beaten down by their kids and just want to let them loose on someone else for a few hours. You can tell who they are right away- that's the group where the mom orders the Chablis with the crappy pizza. I was in the lesser seen third group of parents: the ones who mistakenly tell their kid, "you get to choose dinner tonight." It's easy to tell who we are because we have kids' footprints on our backs. Since I didn't see anyone wearing any "Come Lounge With Me" tshirts at Chucksters, I'll assume none of my loyal readers (or is it my one reader?) caught the scene last night. So here's the rundown:

Here's a quick way to assess the quality of the food you're about to order. If you're in a pseudo-restaurant and there's a giant stuffed rat walking around everywhere, it's a safe bet that Wolfgang Puck isn't in the back whipping up your meal...

All the employees walk around in a half daze with a look that says, "If you have a gun, please shoot me in the face right now." Well, all the employees except one- he's the guy that's been working there for 10 years since his junior year in high school. While everyone else is taking 10 minutes to sweep up a napkin, he's bouncing around everywhere. He's checking the skeeball to make sure each lane is working. He's reloading tickets into all the games. He's filling balloons with helium. And he's doing it all with a smile on his face. That's the guy you need to keep your kid away from...

No Milf sightings last night. Except for my wife, who was hit on while I was playing whack-a-mole with my son. Did the dude think she came to Chuck E Cheese by herself???

(By the way, if you do a google image search on the word "milf," don't expect your results to be pics of Denise Richards and Elle MacPherson. You couldn't find raunchier pics if you'd typed in "bisexual butt princesses" into the google engine. Good lawd.)

I was in the zone at the basketball shootout. If you were under the age of 10, you did not want to mess with me last night...

Depressing moment of the night: my back was sore after playing skeeball. Holy crap, I'm old...

They have a machine there that you feed your tickets into at the end of the night. It then counts them up and prints a receipt with your final tally. We had 78. While my wife and son were in line for the prizes, I played another round of hoops and collected 8 tickets. So I give that receipt to my wife who then presents both tickets to the chick working the prize counter. The counter chick pulls out a calculator to get the total. Let that be a cautionary tale to all the kids: if you can't add 78 and 8 in your head, you will end up working at Chuck E Cheese...

Sadly, 86 tickets were not enough to get a Continuum Transfunctioner. But at least I made it through the night without ordering the chablis...

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