Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Matt Leinart Would Like to Show Your Kids A Few Things

Have a kid between the ages of 7 and 14 that loves football? Or perhaps there's a neighborhood MILF that you'd like to get closer to, but you need to get her kid out of the house for a few days? Either way, Matt Leinart is here to help. This summer, Matt Leinart and 4th and 9 Sports (great name, I must admit) are offerring the Matt Leinart Football Camp, which will provide a series of non-contact instructional drills and classroom sessions over the course of five days in Santa Barbara. For the low price of $695, overnight campers will be provided lodging at Tropicana Gardens, a local dormitory across from UCSB. Additionally, special guests from the NFL are scheduled to attend, including Reggie Bush, Brian Urlacher, Edgerrin James, Nick Barnett, and Dwayne Jarrett. This sounds pretty cool (Urlacher is one of my favorite players and Bush has been great for the city of New Orleans,) but unfortunately their level of participation isn't detailed in the brochure. Perhaps they forgot to scan a page before putting it online. So I guess I can only speculate on what expertise each athlete will be bringing to the clinic. Here are the special sessions they could potentially offer:

"Opening Ceremony Inspirational" Presented by Matt Leinart.
Mandatory session. Matt Leinart will present the monologue he would have performed had his worthless former agency landed him the hosting gig on Saturday Night Live instead of that pasty, over-exposed Peyton Manning. (Note: any child who does not laugh at Leinart's jokes will not be allowed to participate in the remainder of camp.)

"Winning Isn't Everything." Presented by Edgerrin James.
Sure everyone would like to win a Super Bowl someday, but that's just not realistic. Edgerrin will help kids realize that there are more important things in life than winning- like getting PAID!

"Gamebreakers Don't Stay in Dorms" (overnight campers only). Presented by Reggie Bush.
After two days of on-field drills, Reggie Bush will determine who the elite players are within the camp. Those kids will be upgraded from the Tropciana Gardens to the Four Seasons Resort at no additional cost.

"Tackling With One Arm Tied Behind Your Back." Presented by Brian Urlacher.
After the on-field sessions have completed, campers will join #54 in the film room where they will review game tape of the Super Bowl. Urlacher will break down the tape to illustrate how even the best defenders can't make plays when defensive coordinators are essentially playing "prevent D" all game long.

"Waltzing Your Way to Eligibility" Presented by Matt Leinart.
Many of your kids will be playing high school sports soon, and for some, maintaining academic eligibility will be a difficult challenge. Leinart will draw on his years of experience to help kids select the right elective courses that are sure to keep their grades in a comfort zone.

"Believing in Yourself." Presented by Dwayne Jarrett.
One of the most important attributes for any young athlete or young person in general is self confidence. Throughout college, Jarrett was one of the most arrogant, cocky, confident players in the league. Jarrett will teach kids how to realize- and in fact overinflate - their own self-worth. He'll also show kids all the bling he purchased with the bonus he's going to receive for being a top 10 pick. (Please instruct your children not to inform Jarrett that he wasn't drafted in the top 10. As Jarrett says, "It doesn't matter what order Roger Goodell calls the names. The order in my head is all I care about."

"Hitting Sessions" Presented by Nick Barnett and Matt Leinart.
Campers between the ages of 7 and 12 will join Nick Barnett as he demonstrates proper the tackling form. Campers aged 13 and 14 will join Matt Leinart in the film room where he presents a slideshow of various female celebs and athletes and calls out, "Yeah, I hit that."

C'mon now, who wouldn't pay 700 bux for that? Really, all that's missing is an announcement from Leinart that he also convinced a few 'SC Song Girls to attend and this would be the greatest camp ever.

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