Viewers Guide: The Lesser of Four Evils

Since my team was eliminated a long time ago, I'm still undecided about who to root for in today's championship games. Perhaps the best way to determine which teams I want to see win is by examining the two weeks of hype that will lead up to each Super Bowl matchup. As we witnessed during last season's "Jerome Bettis is from Detroit" extravaganza, the weeks leading up to the actual game are all about creating a storyline for the casual viewer. (Well that, and drinking heavily in the host city.) So let's break down each potential pairing and see which is the least annoying:

Matchup: Patriots vs Bears
Storyline: The Patriots get a chance to exact revenge for the humiliating 46-10 loss in Super Bowl XX.
Imagery: Refrigerator Perry scoring a touchdown. Steve Grogan being beaten to a pulp by Richard Dent and company. The Super Bowl Shuffle.
Chances that the storyline will cause nausea: Minimal.
What I wish the storyline would be: Mike Ditka just ranting for two weeks about everything the Patriots "get away with" would be entertaining.
Outlook: Tolerable. And hey, it would be nice for Refrigerator Perry to get some work.

Matchup: Colts vs Bears
Storyline: Manning's offense vs Bears' defense. The Interstate 65 Bowl.
Imagery: Close-ups of Manning audibling at the line of scrimmage. Brian Urlacher making plays. Farmland. Um...Sonic Drive-Ins?
Chances that the storyline will cause nausea: Moderate, which is the lowest ranking I could give any two week tribute to Peyton. So really, not that bad.
What I wish the storyline would be: The quarterback that could never beat Florida in college versus the former Florida QB; or the QB that always f*cks up in crunch time versus the QB that just wants to f*ck around.
Outlook: Perhaps a bit on the boring side, but at least I won't be made to feel like it's a game that transcends sports.

Matchup: Patriots vs Saints
Storyline: The teams that saved a nation. The Patriots were "America's Team" after 9/11, and now the Saints symbolize hope for the city of New Orleans in post-Katrina times.
Imagery: Patriots players waving American flags. Saints players visiting Katrina victims in shelters. I'm sure U2 will be involved.
Chances that network coverage will cause nausea: Inevitable
What I wish the storyline would be: The team with the stadium that housed poor black people during Hurricane Katrina versus the team with the stadium where it's impossible to ever find any black people in the stands.
Outlook: I'd advise a vacation to Brazil during these two weeks.

Matchup: Colts vs Saints
Storyline: All Mannings, all the time. Archie played for the Saints and never made the Super Bowl, but now Peyton won't suffer the same fate. The Manning family is from Louisiana, so there will be plenty of Katrina talk too.
Imagery: Peyton Manning unloading emergency supplies at the New Orleans airport after Katrina.
Chances that network coverage will cause nausea: Guaranteed. Just thinking about it made me throw up a little.
What I wish the storyline would be: Draft dodgers. The Colts dodged a bullet when they chose Peyton Manning over Ryan Leaf #1 overall (hard to believe there was actually a debate at the time). Reggie Bush dodged Houston when the Texans shocked everyone by picking Mario Williams ahead of Mr. Bush.
Outlook: Just shoot your tv after the conference championship games end and buy a plasma on Super Bowl Sunday. You've been meaning to upgrade anyway.

So, it looks like the most appealing option is the Colts vs Bears. Sure there would be a ton of Peyton Manning talk, but at least the networks would actually be talking about football, which is a major change of pace from past years. As added bonus, if the Bears make the Super Bowl, then there's a chance that Rex Grossman in Miami might lead to him being the first starting quarterback to ever be arrested on the eve of the big game. Also, Peyton Manning could become the first player ever to play in a Super Bowl and star in every commercial aired during the same game. Good times all around.