The Role of Puppet #2 Has Been Filled

It looks like it's time for me to accept that once again, I will not be the next head coach of the Oakland Raiders, as they will officially introduce Lane Kiffen as their new leader today. That's a disappointment. It's not that I'm a Raiders fan, it's just that I think it would be a fun challenge to coach an NFL team, and the Raiders looked like the best chance I'd have. (If you can still call the Raiders an NFL franchise, that is.) Sure, I'm not really all that qualified- I have no NFL head coaching experience, or even any NFL coordinator experience for that matter. And no, I've never been a college head coach either. But hey, neither has the guy the Raiders hired, so I really wasn't all that far behind on the ol' experience ladder.

Kiffen does have one edge over me. He's coming from the USC program, which means he's accustomed to coaching overpaid thugs, so it should be a smooth transition to the Oakland organization. (To be fair, the Cincinnati Bengals have clearly surpassed the Raiders in the criminal department. Yesterday, DB Johnathan Joseph became the ninth Bengal arrested this year when he was charged with marijuana possession. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe Marvin Lewis is actually a drug lord and being a head coach is his cover.) As the son of coach Monte Kiffen, Lane also has pedigree on his side. Is that the new strategy now? If you can't land an experienced coach, then try to at least get the son of a coach? If that's the case, then Randy Moss would have much preferred that Al Davis had hired Bill Belichick's son, Stephen. Then the two of them could have compared notes on which coast has the best weed.

So now this leaves the Dallas Cowboys as the only remaining head coaching vacancy in the NFL. Unfortunately for Jerry Jones, most of the hotter names in the industry have already taken jobs elsewhere. But luckily, whoever Dallas does hire won't have that tough of an act to follow, since the last coach only went 34-32 over four seasons. Right now, the front runner appears to be Chargers defensive coordinator, Wade Phillips. If Wade does get the job and he's able to duplicate the kind of results that he got from the Chargers defense, then he might actually be able to return the Cowboys to their form of the early 90's. By that, I of course mean a team full of players being involved in drug trafficking and usage, confrontations with wild women, and late-night shootings.

I don't know if Wade Phillips' name really has enough sizzle for Jerry Jones, so I'm not certain that he'll be given the job. Especially since there is still one other guy still out there who could really excite the fans in Dallas. A guy who, while never reaching the elite level in the NFL, has had nothing but success in his time in the Pac-10. A guy who in a few short years, accumulated college football hall of fame credentials. A guy who as a head coach, has led his team to two championships. I'm of course talking about Danny White.

Hey if Adam Schefter and Chris Mortensen can pull names out of their butts, then why can't I?