Everyone's getting screwed on my TV.

Very strange night of channel surfing this evening...

MSNBC: Pat Robertson scolding citizens of Dover, PA for "rejecting God from (their) city" by voting out the local school board which had supported Intelligent Design. He also told them not to be surprised if disaster struck and God wasn't there for them since they voted Him out of the city.
Pat Robertson, you are a douchebag; and moreover, you're unwittingly destroying your own causes. Isn't the company line in religion supposed to be that God is always there for you? Pastor Pat could find messages in the Bible that indicated that Orlando, Florida was making themselves vulnerable to disaster by allowing homosexual organizations to put up rainbow flags, but "Knock, and I shall answer" is a little too vague? Secondly, the 'church and state' loophole that Intelligent Design proponents try to exploit is that I.D. does not explicitly mean teaching about God. But by going on this rant, you are confiming that Intelligent Design is in fact introducing religion into the schools. It's no wonder your political career has stalled. Well that, and the fact that you're a lunatic.

ESPNEWS: Clinton Portis fined $20,000 for wearing socks that didn't match the rest of his team. Um, sure, that sounds fair. This is just poor planning on Clinton's part. If you're going to do get fined, make sure it's for something that will help sell books- spit in a guy's face, push a referee, or go on a cocaine binge with Lawrence Taylor and Michael Irvin.

HBO: G-String Divas: Why does HBO only go to the strip clubs with the really skanky women? Or am I just too drunk/horny when I go to a club that I don't realize how bad the talent really is? Right now they're featuring some stripper who says it's been her dream since she was a little girl to be in Playboy magazine; and when she became a stripper she told herself, "I'm almost there." I'm so happy for her that she's living her dream. That's my America. Tho' it's a weird strategy that she's chosen to be a stripper in a club full of skanks as her path to Playboy. Doesn't she know that all she has to do is get gigantic implants, industrial bleach for her hair, then screw Hef and she's in?
....Ok, I've been watching G-string Divas for about 15 minutes, and now I'm convincing myself that "you know what- these girls aren't that bad..." Also, these guys in the club seem a lot sleazier than I am when I visit, right? (gulp). I had to change the channel before getting introspective.

Cinemax: Cabin Fever is playing. Jordan Ladd is in this, so I flip over. Right as I tune in, some chick (Cerina Vincent) is sodomizing her boyfriend in a cabin. I guess it should come as no surprise that a fever comes next. Actually, this movie is about a flesh eating virus that kills everyone on a camping trip. That sucks- but on the bright side, after having a finger jammed up your ass, the flesh eating virus probably doesn't seem quite as bad...

Encore: From Dusk Til' Dawn. Still a ways to go before Salma Hayek's scene. I'll flip back later.

Showtime: Wicked Pleasures. Some dude that looks like a gayer version of Mike Piazza is one of the leads. He's boning some chick who can't act, has a scary face, but nice implants...and whaddaya know, a tattoo right at her tailbone, aka, the 'mark of the whore.' Syren is also in this flick. She's a classic butterface, but good lord I love her body. I'm sure if she was on G-String Divas, I'd think she was hot by now...

"Foreign Student," "Red-Headed Stranger" and "Book of Love" are also on. Unfortunately, they all appear to be legitimate movies. That was a disappointment.

Still waiting for Salma Hayek's scene...

Univision: El Gordo y La Flaca. This show tests the theory that any chick is hot if she's standing next to a 300 pound old guy. Sound hypothesis, but it fails in the end. I think the story now is about a fashion show in Mexico. Either that, or it's 3rd world teenagers being sold as prostitutes to wealthy businessmen. My Spanish is rusty.

NBC: Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Robert Downey Jr and Steve Irwin are guests. I assumed that NBC was for some reason showing a rerun from 1998, but this appears to have actually been taped recently. I guess Dennis Rodman was unavailable today.

CNBC: CNBC World is on. I'm not really that involved in world business, but one of the correspondents is kind of hot. Speaking of hot news anchors, does anyone know what happened to Natalie Morales? It seems like after MSNBC destroyed her credibility by having her do the 'photo wall' during the beginning of the Iraqi war, she's disappeared from my tv. Is she now being assigned kiddy talent pageants in Des Moines? I miss her.

Fox "News": The O'Reily Factor. If you watch this show and instead of laughing at Bill, you're nodding your head, then you and I will never really be able to get along. There will always be something dividing us. I like to refer to it as "humanity."

SALMA!!!! You were worth the wait.