Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Racist Umpires Endorse Mitt Romney For President

If you're a Republican Presidential hopeful and are looking for a place to get your name out to an audience of like-minded individuals who believe abortion should be banned, the war in Iraq is winnable, and gays aren't deserving of equal rights, then advertising with AOL seems like a logical choice. What you probably want to avoid however is blatantly aligning yourself with a headline that features claims of racism. Such was the unfortunate ad placement for former Massachusetts Governer and CEO of the 2002 Olympic Games, Mitt Romney, who found his campaign ad directly beneath an article at the AOL FanHouse which stated that white umpires tended to favor white pitchers.

Fortunately, the ad was only in that position for a few minutes until the umpire post was pushed down by one of Michael David Smith's finer spamming efforts (another rant for another time), so the ignominious association was short-lived.

Honestly tho, I guess the ad was effective because it got me to do something I probably wouldn't have ever bothered doing- research Mitt Romney. (Personally, I think Fred Thompson will be our next President if he chooses to run. This conclusion follows the axiom that the political candidate with the longest IMDB page gets the vote.) However if you're interested, here are a few of Romney's political stances (as stated by Wiki,) trnaslated into relatable sports scenarios.

If Mike Piazza and Curt Schilling wanted to pronounce their undying love for each other, they would not be afforded the opportunity to do so in a legally binding marriage contract.

Tank Johnson's weapons collection? Totally cool, as long as he's got ID for them.

Students at Indianapolis public schools cannot pray for the Lord to guide the Colts to victory once again.

When Willis McGahee gets another woman pregnant, he cannot offer her $5 million to get an abortion. Although if Romney is speaking to a group of Ravens fans, he may promise otherwise.

You know how on 3rd and long, Bill Parcells would always run the same damn draw play even though it never had a chance in hell of ever being effective? Same thing with Mitt Romney and Abstinence Education.

And I'm sorry to inform you that once Brett Favre retires, we cannot clone him to create another gun-slinging quarterback who just loves to play the game the way it's meant to be played. This is assuming he retires before the following election in 2012...

Eh, forget the issues. I'm going with the guy from Law and Order, In the Line of Fire, and Hunt for Red October. With that resume, the only guy that could possibly beat him is maybe Harrison Ford.



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