Friday, August 10, 2007

The Nightcap

As I'm sure you know by now, the Pittsburgh Steelers named their mascot Steely McBeam. I think it's only fair that the ladies who grace this site also be given a name. Let's call them by my all-time favorite DirecTv compilation pay-per-view title: Chesty McHooters.
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In what can only be described as a "miracle pull," a Columbus, Ohio man (who incongruously goes by 'Wolverine24') opened a pack of 2007 Topps Allen and Ginter's baseball cards and found a 1/1 Autographed Mother Teresa card, who I hear played a helluva rover for the Calcutta Lepers softball team. Now the blessed card is on Ebay, where it is currently fetching a price of $6099.99. Honestly, I think it's a steal at that or any price. Can't you just imagine meeting St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and he's making an accounting of your transgressions: "Let's see here. You gambled on football during the holy day. You stiffed that stripper 50 bux after getting lapdances all night long. I'm pretty sure you're drunk right now. Frankly, I don't know why you even bothered coming....wait, just a second? Is that the 1/1 Mother Teresa card? Holy H-E-double-you-know-what, I've been looking for that! What say you slip me that under my robe and we can get you right in. Loved ones are over to the right, virgins are on the left. Enjoy Eternity."
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According to LA Rag Mag (and really with a name like that, how could it not be reputable?), before Derek Jeter broke up with Jessica Alba, he gave her the gift that keeps on giving. Herpes. Even if it's true, the news is somewhat irrelevant, as it in no way reduces the willingness of a Yankees' fan to go down on either one of them in a New York minute. It would at least explain Alex Rodriguez's blue lips. That must be the tint on his cold sore cream.
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Wow, I just sandwiched Mother Teresa between Chesty McHooters and Jessica Alba's fiery crotch. I'll bet even in Pope John Paul II wettest dream he wasn't able to accomplish that feat. I should just retire now, because I can't sink any lower than this.
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Falcons fans, fear not. For Joey Harrington enters this season with a chip on his shoulder. Now if only he had a brain in his skull. Here's his new approach to the game:
"Screw you guys. I know what I need to do to be a good quarterback. In order for me to play well, I need to be a bit selfish. I need to tell myself, 'You know what? I'm going to throw that post route. And if it gets picked off, screw it. I'm going to throw the post route again, because I know it's open.'"

He's right tho. He does need to be more selfish. From now on, he needs to only throw the ball to people on his team, rather than his usual giving approach where he'd throw the ball up for grabs to anyone. So far, Joey Harrington has had to say "screw it" 77 times after picks versus saying "holy crap, I can't believe I actually threw a TD" only 72 times in his storied career.
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In an absolute must read, ESPN recounts an interview with the entertaining and astonishing Pacman Jones. After insisting he's only been arrested twice despite police records to the contrary, he then clarifies that when he went to a strip club immediately before his hearing with Roger Goodell, it was just to grab a bite to eat. As he so eloquently put it:

"If I could do anything different, I wouldn't have went and gotten nothing to eat then. There wasn't even no girls in there."


I can't even convince people that I go to Hooters for the wings, and Pacman expects us to believe he just went to a strip club for the food. I know that deli prices in New York are outrageous, but c'mon now. Maybe it was just all just a bit of miscommunication. Maybe a friend called him up and asked if wanted to grab a pie, and Pacman misunderstood. That kind of thing can happen when you don't understand the lingo of a new city. I still remember the surprise I felt when I walked into a Thai massage parlor and spa in San Francisco and ordered the tossed salad. So maybe Pacman deserves a break.

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1 Comments:

At Fri Aug 10, 08:49:00 AM PDT , Anonymous notthepictures said...

Convincing people that you go to strip clubs for the food is like trying to convince them that you read this blog for the news.

 

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