Excuse Pete Carroll While He Slips Into Something A Little More Comfortable

In a move that had been rumored for many months, Pete Carroll and Rick Neuheisel have come to an agreement which will allow both teams to wear their home jerseys in their rivalry game this Saturday. The change in attire will honor the days when both the Bruins and Trojans shared the Los Angeles Coliseum and also will allow USC to further embrace their rich heritage:



Rick Neuheisel has also suggested that as long as the two teams are honoring their traditions, they should go all the way back to beginning of the rivalry and have both teams lineup in the single wing formation all game. In fact, Neuheisel has promised not to allow Kevin Craft to throw a single pass if Carroll will do the same with Mark Sanchez.

It was originally feared that the teams would not be able to restore the jersey tradition because NCAA rules mandated that the offending team be charged with two timeouts during the course of the game. But in a last minute decision, the NCAA capitulated to one of its cash cows storied institutions and minimized the penalty to only one first half timeout. However in an effort to not appear biased towards USC, the NCAA has enacted another new rule whereby any interception thrown by Kevin Craft that is not returned for a touchdown will instead be ruled as an incompletion.

In other college football news, Oregon coach Mike Bellotti has named Chip Kelly the head coach in-waiting, but has yet to set a date for when that might be. Kelly now joins Jimbo Fisher at Florida State and Will Muschamp at Texas as the coaching equivalent of a mistress who stays with a married man because he tells her that he's going to break it off eventually. He just needs to wait for the right moment. These things take time, baby. Meanwhile, they don't get any younger, their wrinkles start to show, and their desirability to other suitors begins to wane. So they better hope this gig works out, because there might not be time for any others (certainly not for Fisher).

This Thursday, the Raiders-Chargers game will be televised in 3-D in select theaters in Los Angeles, New York, and Boston. 3ality Digital feels this game will be a great opportunity to showcase their new technology; and as an added bonus, they are able to reduce costs as this game will not require them to put any cameras in the endzone.

I'm no marketing major, but my feeling is the best way to make sure the 3D experiment is a success would be to make sure there are some cameras on the San Diego sidelines to capture all the dimensions of:



But if viewers in an Imax theater end up seeing Norv Turner's facial craters or Al Davis' animated skeleton in 3D, then 3ality Digital is going to need a GM sized bailout by the end of the game.


NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has suspended Sean Avery indefinitely for referring to this puck bunny:




as "sloppy seconds." Bettman had to invoke the suspension for the good of the game, as Cuthbert is the only fan the league had left. Bettman will meet Avery soon to discuss the duration of the suspension and to make certain that Avery is aware that this particular term will not be tolerated and should instead be replaced by, "a drop pass into the crease," "a rebound through the five-hole," or simply "bacon scraps."

Nightcap: Things Still Look Good For The Celtics

Tonight's nightcap is brought to you by Ben and Jerry's Dublin Mudslide. Today was free cone day at B & J's, which while not as good as free BJ day at Coney's, still provided some much needed relief, given the 90+ degree temperatures here in LA...

The NBA has announced that Kevin Garnett will not face any punishment for his actions during a heated staring contest with Zaza Pachulia, despite shoving official Ed Rush during the incident. The question is: Which conspiracy theory does this inaction from the commissioner's office bolster more- that Stern is intent on sending Boston to the Finals this year, or that Stern was intent on giving the championship to San Antonio last year (by virtue of suspending Diaw and Stoudemire for less grievous behavior)?

There is one thing for certain, which is that David Stern still has a vendetta against Mark Cuban. How else can you explain Stern electing not to suspend Jason Kidd for his foul on Janerro Pargo in game 4? (Although in fairness, the hit Jason put on Pargo was nothing compared to the ones he used to administer to Joumanna, and she always managed to take those in stride.) By keeping Kidd eligible, Stern effectively forced Avery Johnson to play the aging point guard in game 5, thereby assuring that the series would be all but over and Cuban would once again be engaging in the first round walk of shame...

Larry Brown has accepted the position as head coach of the Charlotte Bobcats, meaning both Charlotte and the alma mater of Bobcats' President Michael Jordan- University of North Carolina- are going to be led by former University of Kansas head coaches. Hopefully this is part of a larger trend, and soon, the Carolina Panthers will be coached by current Kansas head coach and mass of humanity, Mark Mangino. That would be a nice change for the organization, as finally all of the "eating out" jokes would refer to someone other than the Carolina cheerleaders...

Mindy McCready said she could not dispute any of the claims made in the NY Daily News which reported that she engaged in a 10 year affair with pitcher Roger Clemens which began when she was only 15. Clemens has responded that Mindy obviously misremembers the events and must have them confused with a Cinemax movie that Roger had discussed with her one evening...

In other baseball-ish news, I'm becoming concerned that my college savings plan of stocking up on Phil Hughes rookie cards was a poor investment strategy (tho unfortunately, not really that much worse than any other US investments these days). Hughes gave up 6 earned runs in 3 2/3 innings Tuesday to push his ERA to an even 9.00. He's about two more bad starts away from joining Gregg Jeffries and Danny Tartabull in my collection of can't miss prospects gone awry. Maybe I should buy some Max Schenzer cards if I want to give the Padres or Dodgers any chance in the west this year?

Finally, Randy Moss says that he intends to start up his own NASCAR team and plans on competing in the 2009 season. Hey Randy- have you ever seen cars race in a circle before? Have you seen cars race in a circle...on weed?

The Nightcap

Tonight's nightcap is dedicated to Padres play-by-play announcer Matt Vasgersian, who called six hours of a 22 inning baseball game that had me searching through the garage for my beat up copy of W.P. Kinsella's The Iowa Baseball Confederacy.

The biggest advantage to watching a 22 inning game at home rather than in person: At Petco park, beer (and reportedly food too) sales were cut off after the 7th inning. At home, the only concern was cycling new bottles into the fridge to get cold in case the game went into record territory. (Although my beer labels don't turn blue at a certain temperature, so how could I possibly know when my beer is cold?)

A few stats from the 2-1 game: 658 pitches were thrown. The two teams combined to go 25 for 147, for a .170 batting average. There were only three extra base hits in the game. The teams combined to strike out 37 times. Three players for the Rockies had 10 plate appearances. There were three "seventh inning" stretches. Most amazing of all, both Yorvit Torrealba and Josh Bard caught the entire 22 innings for their respetive teams. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that they'll get tomorrow off.

Quote from Matt Vasgersian somewhere around the 20th inning: "This game is becoming the poster child for bringing the DH into the National League...and lowering the pitcher's mound...and bringing in the fences."

It was also the poster game for how overrated "Wins" are as a stat for evaluating pitchers. Jake Peavy pitched 8 innings of shutout ball, striking out 11; and Rockies starter Jeff Francis pitched 7 innings of shutout ball, striking out 7. But as far as wins go, their performances were identical to Boof Bonser, who gave up 6 earned runs in 4 innings.

This game also proved that ESPNews really is still going live in the middle of the night. I'd assumed that they just replayed the same 30 minute segment until dawn, but sure enough at 4:32 am EST, ESPNews broke in with highlights to show the Rockies winning the game. And here I thought Carmelo Anthony was the only one in the sports world rambling incoherently at 4 am.

I don't know if this made the highlight shows or not, but around the 19th inning, Jake Peavy brought a taxidermied ram's head into the dugout. I really wish the Padres had won so that the "rally cadaver" could have been a running theme throughout the season.

In other baseball news, it turns out that the reason Miguel Tejada admitted to his team that he was actually 33 years old is because he was confronted with his Dominican Republic birth certificate by an ESPN interviewer during a taping of E:60. You figure ESPN will only get one opportunity to sandbag an athlete in such a way before other players get leery of interviewing for the show. It's just too bad that this is the revelation they chose to run with. A Dominican player lied about his age? Really? That's astonishing.

In the world of football, it looks like Los Angeles is making another serious run at getting a stadium built in the area- but first they need to get an existing NFL team to committ to abandoning their city and moving to LA. Ideally, Jacksonville would be that team, as one of their marquee players is former UCLA Bruin, Maurice Jones-Drew, and they are coached by former USC Trojan and Rose Bowl MVP Jack Del Rio, so there'd be instant player recognition in the area. Developer Edward Roski Jr. says he could have the stadium completed by 2011. Of course the proposed site is roughly 10 miles from a giant hole in the earth in Irwindale where people believed a stadium was going to be built for the Raiders; so buyer beware.

If Roski's dream is to come true, the new stadium will look like this:



What is that? A stadium for ants? How can we expect to bring a football team into LA if they can't even fit inside the building? The stadium has to be at least three times bigger than that!

For some reason, an espn reporter felt compelled to catch up with former NFL flop, Michael Westbrook. During his interview, he revealed that after his infamous assault on teammate Stephen Davis, he stayed in hiding for three years. Not because he was embarrased by his actions, but rather because he had heard rumors that people believed him to be gay. (Well in college, he was Kordell Stewart's favorite "receiver.") Personally, I didn't think Westbrook was gay after his encounter with Davis. However, I wouldn't fault people for questioning his sexuality when his career ended and he decided to dedicate himself to MMA. That's mixed martial arts for the acronym challenged- the sport that combines the overt homoeroticism of shirtless men grinding together on the floor with the tension and drama of prison rape.

Tying Up Some Loose Ends While Looking For Loose Change

A few quick thoughts between scratching lottery tickets in a last minute desperation attempt to fund a trip to San Antonio...

Congrats to UCLA's Brianna (right, blonde) on being named Sports Illustrated's cheerleader of the week. Reading her Q&A, I learned of a tactic employed by her boyfriend that is so brilliant, yet so simple, that I think every guy should add it to their repertoire immediately:

Describe the worst date you ever went on: My boyfriend has a problem watching other people eat. On our first date, he watched the TV behind me the whole time!

Keep this in mind the next time you have a date the same night as a significant game (or an insignificant one, for that matter). "I'm sorry, I have an issue with watching people eat. It's nothing personal, it's just a hang-up of mine. So I'm just going to focus on the TV instead." I suppose you could even add in a back-story about your dad yelling at you for talking with your mouth full or something to earn sympathy points, but why complicate matters?...

After three+ games, there's only one undefeated team left in baseball, and it's the Kansas City Royals. As someone that vaguely remembers the last time the Royals were in the World Series, I think it's great to see them relevant again, if even for a week. Is there room on the bandwagon for one more? Oh...there is no bandwagon? Wanna build one?

Nothing can excite a fanbase quite like having a rookie phenom to root for, especially if that phenom is a pitcher. Even if your team is having a lackluster year, at least there's something to look forward to every five games. Cincinnati thought they were getting such a player last year with Homer Bailey, but that hasn't worked out just yet. Perhaps this year will be different. Now, they have a Cueto:




Finally, if you haven't seen this yet, check out JR Gidden from last night's broadcast of the college slam dunk contest, and his homage to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air:


Unfortunately, the judges didn't award Gidden any bonus points for the finish. Sorry JR. But there's no need to argue. Judges just don't understand.

The Nightcap, Lohan Edition: Some Like It Hot. Some Like It Used

It looks like after an extended period of longing and hope, Mark Cuban will finally get the guy he wanted, Jason Kidd, on his squad. While Kidd will certainly be able to contribute to the Mavaricks, I have a feeling his play in Dallas will be a bit like the series of topless photos Lindsay Lohan took in tribute to Marilyn Monroe: Some flashes of brilliance, but definitely showing the wear and tear from some rough years, and certainly paling in comparison to the original.

(And yes, I know that my attempt to come up with a metaphor to justify including a Lohan picture was even more transparent than the cloth Lindsay is holding in front of her. But in my defense....boobs.)

In other drug user news: Eric Gagne gave a vague apology to his Milwaukee teammates for "a distraction that shouldn't be taking place." And he's right- there's no reason at all why anyone should have signed Gagne and his batting practice fastball to a major league contract.

Andy Pettitte also spent the day apologizing to anyone who's ever watched a baseball game, C-SPAN, or the 700 club. He also said that the scrutiny and criticism that he and Roger Clemens have received should serve as a deterrent to other athletes who might be considering using performance enhancing drugs, as nobody would want to go through what Roger and he did. Pettitte then excused himself so he could cash his $600,000 biweekly check from the Yankees.

The Angels' Francisco Rodriguez is upset with the organization for refusing to offer him a lucrative, long-term contract and has insinuated that he will leave the team at the end of the 2008 season. He hasn't stated which teams he'd be interested in going to, but one would suspect that he would seek out teams with white undersides to their caps, so as to better conceal any illegal substances he may be using.

Finally, Curt Schilling has said that he is undergoing rehab treatment for his ailing shoulder and there's still a chance he could pitch this year. In fact, he's so confident that he'll make a dramatic return late in the season that he's already prepared a bloody jersey to wear for the occasion.

The Nightcap

Girls basketball recap: Earlier this evening, with Rutgers head coach Vivian Stringer looking snappy in a pink suit and her team wearing uniforms of the same color to promote breast cancer awareness, the Scarlett Knight appeared headed to an upset victory over the Lady Vols, but some suspicious timekeeping resulted in a bitter defeat for the team in the pink shoes.

Men's basketball recap: Villanova wanted to do their part to raise awareness of breast cancer, but rather than wear pink, they chose to shoot the ball as if they were a girls basketball team, going 4 for 31 from the field in the 2nd half. Still, the Wildcats were in a position to send the game into position to send the game into overtime until referee Bob Donato called this foul in the back court with 0.1 seconds on the clock:



It was a horrendous call, but perhaps Donato was just trying to spare the viewing public from five more minutes of unwatchable basketball.

On a related note, here's the introductory piece to a synopsis of a NCAA tournament game in 2000 between North Carolina and Tennessee, composed by Sports Illustrated writer, Alexander Wolff:

There's a kind of voyeuristic pleasure in watching a ref who has whistled a really, really bad call. A call that you know is wrong, I know is wrong, and every soul in the building knows is wrong, except for the pitiable chump in the piebald pullover who made it.

The ref being discussed here is none other than one Robert Donato.

Who knows- maybe Donato is sick of living on the east coast and figures that if he makes enough high profile, egregious errors then he'll be a lock to get a job as part of a Pac-10 crew.

Meanwhile, Bill McCabe, the Pac 10's coordinator of officiating, has ruled that firing a ball off an opponent's face at point blank range is a perfectly acceptable way of avoiding a five second call. My first reaction to this decision was that McCabe was obviously a spineless idiot whose fear of extending the controversy by handing down any sort of punishment (or even warnings) would lead to an injury or brawl during a game when a similar strategy is employed. But it turns out that in his spare time, Mr. McCabe also owns a medical equipment distribution company. I'm guessing sales on protective masks are down this year, and this would provide a quick boost. Very shrewd, Mr. McCabe. Very shrewd, indeed.

UCLA was considering appealing this ruling to the NCAA, but fortunately was able to negotiate a deal. The Bruins will publicly support the decision that it was just a "player doing what was necessary to win," and in exchange, the NCAA will never make the Bruins play a tournament game in Hec Edmunson Pavilion, the home of the Washington Huskies and a perennial house of horrors for the Bruins.

In football news, the Washington Post is reporting that the Redskins are interested in making a trade for Chad Johnson. If that deal goes through, it would be a great move for Ocho Cinco. Johnson sees himself as a future hall of famer, and the recent induction of Art Monk has shown that the Redskins are capable of getting good, but not great wide receivers into the hall if they put in their time.

The Dolphins have cut quarterback Trent Green as part of their process of cleaning house. The good news for fans of Green is that he wasn't upset by the move at all since he didn't even remember that he was a quarterback for the Dolphins. The bad news is that Green was only two more head traumas away from being giving a job as a lead analyst for ESPN.

The Nightcap

Tom Brady was seen walking the streets of New York holding a bouquet of flowers and wearing a walking boot. Immediately, people began speculating that Brady was nursing an injury, but in reality, he was just doing some role playing. Apparently, Gisele wanted to fantasize that she was having sex with Philip Rivers.

TNT cameras spotted OJ Mayo sitting courtside at the Lakers game and sporting some giant rocks in his ears. It was all part of "Juice Deuce"'s contract with Southern Cal boosters, which contained a bonus clause for beating UCLA.

The Lakers scored over 100 points while holding Denver to under 100, which means everyone in attendance at Staples won two free tacos from Jack in the Box. Just a word of warning to Mr. Mayo: feel free to take all the tickets and diamonds that you want, but if you try to claim those two tacos, the NCAA will have your ass.

The NBA has announced that this year's dunk contestants will be: Gerald Green, Dwight Howard, Jamario Moon, and Rudy Gay. In an effort to draw a larger audience, fans will be able to vote online and via cell phone for the Dunk Contest winner. Upon hearing the news, Cal Ripken immediately entered the dunk contest. Sure, he can barely touch the net, but if history is any indicator, fans will vote for him regardless of his actual skill level.

With fan voting in place, Rudy Gay has to be considered a heavy underdog, as too many people are afraid to vote for anything with "gay" attached to it. He certainly won't be getting Rick Majerus's vote (not that there's anything wrong with that):

I'm Not the Only One With a Playoff Hangover

You've gotta hand it to the Dallas Cowboys. They obviously are well aware of the curse that comes with being the Super Bowl loser and wanted no part of it. Rather than subject themselves to a miserable 2008 season, Wade Phillips and Jason Garrett masterminded a beautiful tank job to give the team a chance for next year. Very shrewd move...

Meanwhile, the Cowboys might want to look at the fine print on the 4 year, $14 million contract extension that they gave Patrick Crayton before the start of the playoffs. Can they get their bonus money back if Crayton forgets some of the fundamentals of his position, like running routes and catching the ball?

For as much trouble as Terrell Owens is, I think I'd rather have him on my roster than Marvin Harrison. At least Owens looks like he wants to be out on the field. In 15 career playoff games, Harrison has two touchdowns, which both came in the 41-10 route that Indy had over Denver in 2003. That is pathetic, especially considering that Peyton Manning has been his QB for all but one of those games. Yesterday, he looked like the little league player who would rather pick flowers in the outfield than pay attention to the game. Hopefully, he'll do everyone a favor and retire in the offseason.

Even if the Chargers are forced to go with Volek and Michael Turner against the Patriots, they should be safe from breaking the record for worst margin of defeat in AFC Championship game history. For that, they can thank the 1990 Los Angeles Raiders, whose QBs threw 6 ints in a 51-3 loss to the Buffalo Bills. So if Charger fans are looking for any silver lining in the possibility of Volek starting, well, at least he isn't Jay Schroeder. Also, not being on the field will give Philip Rivers more time to yell at New England fans from the sidelines.

If the AFC playoffs have taught us nothing, it's that the best way to insure you'll advance in the playoffs is to load up your team with as many douchebags as possible. Given that trend, maybe the Cowboys should look into signing Chad Johnson in the offseason. Line up "Ocho-Cinco" opposite of "I love me some me" and the Cowboys will be unstoppable in the NFC...

Speaking of unstoppable: All this time, everyone assumed it was Eli Manning that was responsible for the Giants' problems over the past few years. That impression was certainly a mistake. Obviously, it was Tiki Barber that was holding the team back all this time. It's just a shame that CBS has the Super Bowl this year because it would be a great joy to see Tiki Barber have to provide pregame analysis while his former teammates prepared to play in the Super Bowl.

Of course for that to happen, the Giants will have to get past the Packers in Green Bay first. Not an easy task, but one that I think they're up to. They proved in Buffalo a few weeks ago that their running game could excel in the snow. Besides, it seems like a close NFC Championship game loss for the Packers would be the perfect scenario to convince Brett Favre that he wants to come back for another season or three, since the team would be so close to taking that next step.

A few weeks ago, the rumor was that Tom Coughlin would be fired in the offseason and replaced by Jason Garrett. Now, it looks like the Coughlin era will continue for at least another season, and Garrett's star is fading faster than the one on Romo's helmet. Things are so bad for Garrett that at this point, it's hard to see him even being a candidate to accept and later quit the Falcons job.

Finally, shares of Kimberly-Clark (ticker: KMB) were up a little over 1 percent at the close of trading today. No doubt this spike is in anticipation of the heavy demand for Kleenex this weekend, as both Brett Favre and Tom Brady will be featured in a Championship game, and it's expected to get a little messy within a 3 foot radius of any broadcaster or sportswriter with a free hand.

The Nightcap

This week it was announced that Miller Brewing company will be merging with Molson-Coors to form a new company, MillerCoors. The resulting company will still produce both Miller and Coors, so the impact on the consumer is minimal. However the More Taste League has been shaken to its core. After spending the last few months telling everyone that Miller Lite was the only sanctioned beer of the MTL, the Commish will now be forced to admit Coors Lite as a member despite no change to their formula. I feel like Dr. Cox has been lying to me all along. I no longer know what to believe is the Yin or the Yang, the Bada or the Bing. It's a confusing world, and I need a drink...

I realize that the networks fear that a matchup won't be compelling unless it has a catchy little label, but I'd like to think that ESPN could have done a better job than "The Duel in Dallas" to hype up the upcoming Patriots/Cowboys game. Tho in their defense, I suppose it is a little easier to read on the screen than "The Battle Between Coaches that Succeeded Bill Parcells but with Far Greater Results, Thereby Exposing The 'Legend' as Nothing More Than a New Jersey Con Artist..."

I'm glad that TBS got its HD feed up and running in time for the playoffs, but I'm going to need to get a bigger TV if I want to fit Tony Gwynn on my widescreen during shots of the press box...

During the game, the tv crew announced that Tony Gwynn became a grandfather this past Tuesday. Because of the break between the NLDS and NLCS, Gwynn was able to make it to the hospital to visit his grandson. It marked the first time he was in the room with something that weighed under 10 pounds and he didn't eat it...

I don't mean to dwell on how big Mr. Gwynn has become, but tonight, Kirby Puckett's ghost emerged from the grave to let Tony know that he'd let himself go. Then he groped a chick out by the DBacks pool...

During the controversial interference call at second base, ESPNRadio's Dave Campbell criticized the umpire's decision to call the batter out, but allowed that, "the call wasn't 100% wrong." After seeing the replays, I'd say the call was only 35% wrong, but since it's a make-believe metric, I'm willing to take competing opinions...

Comment made by my five year-old son around the 7th inning: "I'm tired of seeing that Frank guy (Caliendo) all the time." And this is coming from a kid who asks me to Tivo the cartoon he's watching so he can see it again as soon as it ends. Frank Caliendo makes me miss the days when all TBS had to show when there wasn't a game on was The Andy Griffith Show and The Beverly Hillbillies...

In football news, USC has announced that Mark Sanchez will replace an injured John David Booty at QB this week. Sanchez will be making his first collegiate start, but fortunately for USC, Mark Sanchez has experience in taking advantage of a knocked out booty.

Allegedly.

UCLA May Now Begin Auditions for a New Head Coach

So much for my impromptu vacation. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in...

Without a doubt, the big winners this weekend were UCLA football fans. Sure, right now they might be filled with anger and shame, but that embarassing, pathetic loss to Notre Dame was actually a blessing for their program. That defeat combined with USC's loss erased any possibility that Karl Dorrell could save his job beyond this season. With Dorrell, the program was destined for perpetual mediocrity. At least now, there's hope for the future. Message to Chris Peterson: I'm sure you're happy at Boise State, but UCLA isn't a bad place to be either. Ok, the Rose Bowl doesn't come with blue turf, but on the plus side, the campus is just a few miles down Sunset from the Church of Scientology headquarters. Think about it. What would Xenu do???

It would be a convenient excuse for Karl Dorrell to highlight the fact that he was playing the majority of the Notre Dame game with his 3rd string QB, a walk-on freshman with little experience (or discernible talent). Unfortunately for Captain Karl, Stanford managed to beat #2 USC in the LA Coliseum with a sophomore QB, Tavita Pritchard. Pritchard had only thrown three collegiate passes entering the game, and yet Jim Harbaugh was able to coach him up to the extent that he pulled off the greatest upset in college football history (at least in terms of point spreads). For any UCLA fans reading this blog, "coaching" is a term used in sports to describe the development of skills under the tutelage of a team leader or coach. I know it's been a foreign concept around this time of year in Westwood, but believe it or not, other programs actually perform this miracle with regularity.

By the way, Michigan fans would like Jim Harbaugh to know that they aren't really all that upset about those disparaging comments you made regarding the Michigan athletic department. Water under the bridge. And if you'd like to coach Michigan after Lloyd Carr is shown the door, why that would be just dandy. Tho it may take Wolverine fans a little while to get used to the possibility of actually winning some big games...

The polls would have been very interesting if LSU hadn't managed to put together a very impressive come from behind victory over Florida. Who would have been #1 this week if LSU had lost- Ohio State or idle Cal? The Golden Bears were the higher ranked team the previous week, and this week are still ahead of the Buckeyes by 27 points in the AP poll. But I'm finding it very difficult to believe that voters would have actually been able to pencil in Cal as the #1 team in the land. It would be far more comfortable for writers to go with the ol' Big Ten standby, OSU, don't ya think?

BCS organizers have to be getting concerned about the gradual rise of South Florida in the polls. Now at #5, the Bulls have to be considered a legitimate threat in the national title hunt. Granted, they still have to play Rutgers, Louisville and a very good Cincinnati team, so there's still a ways to go; but a championship game between LSU and South Florida isn't outside the realm of possibility. Maybe that's the way to finally get a playoff system implemented- put an overmatched, unknown team with little national following in the championship game to kill ratings. That would have to get the BCS scrambling for a change, wouldn't it? Go Bulls!

No offense intended towards USF head coach, Jim Leavitt. If you'd like to come to UCLA, the Bruins would be more than happy to have your services as well.

The Nightcap

Tonight's Nightcap is being dedicated to San Diego fans, because the only way anyone could possibly enjoy watching the Padres right now is with a very heavy buzz...

The Padres did somehow manage to rally in the 9th inning on a Brian Giles home run to beat the Giants and remain a game ahead in the wild card race. I don't know why they are torturing fans like this. I'm pretty sure at this point, not even Padres fans want to see the Pads make the playoffs. With the offense falling apart, injuries everywhere, and Chris Young still feeling the effects of a bad back, there's no way this team is winning more than one game in the playoffs. I hope they do all baseball
fans a favor and bow out of the race so that a team with a fighting chance- the Phillies or Rockies- can get a shot at postseason glory...

Personally, I'm rooting for Colorado if for no other reason than to challenge Tim McCarver to learn the names of the players on the Rockies roster. Troy Tulowitzki might be a career ender...

The Dodgers were officially eliminated from playoff contention with their loss to Colorado, putting manager Grady Little in a reflective mood:

"When we came out of that series over in Colorado, that took every bit of the air out of our balloon that was possibly in there," manager Grady Little said. "It's tough for everyone to swallow. We feel terrible about it. We feel worse than anyone. There's a lot going through my mind. It's been a long year, but I'm proud of the boys for putting together the season they did to get this deep - facing all the adversity we faced this year."

a) Yes, balloons are tough to swallow. You shouldn't try it- it's dangerous. That's why only a select few impoverished women are chosen as mules to bring drugs into this land of opportunity.
b) I hope by "all the adversity," Little meant "all the crappy signings Ned Colletti made in the offseason." Jason Schmidt? Juan Pierre? Luis Gonzalez? Nomar Garciaparra? Those guys would have given the Indians a heckuva run in the 1997 World Series, but unfortunately for the Blue Crew, my calendar reads 2007. But hey, good luck with Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds next year...

Well Bears fans, the good news is that Rex Grossman isn't your quarterback anymore. The bad news is that Brian Griese is. Nice contingency plan. Bears' fans have to be the first in history to wonder to each other, "If only we had signed Jeff Garcia in the offseason..."

Just when it seemed like things couldn't get any worse for the Saints, Deuce McAllister is out for the year with a torn ACL. But there still is a glimmer of hope for New Orleans. General Manager Mickey Loomis should get on the phone with the Dolphins right now and work out a trade for Ricky Williams. (Just don't give up all of next year's draft to get him.) Williams is eligible for reinstatement October 1, and the Dolphins have shown no interest in putting him on the roster- so why not ship him where he could do some good? It would be a poetic ending to his career if the player who was supposed to be the franchise's savior in 1999 was able to redeem himself in New Orleans. And if it turns out he can't run anymore, at least he could light up a few bowls, fill the Superdome with smoke, and the hometown fans wouldn't really care that their team wasn't any good this year...

There seems to be a pretty even divide in the response to Mike Gundy's tirade. Half think that college athletes on scholarship are fair targets for the mainstream media, while others think they should be left alone. UCLA head football coach Karl Dorrell thinks both groups are correct. He believes his players should only be mentioned by name when discussing losses, but in all other circumstances, the media should give all credit to the coach...

I would, however, like to thank Mike Gundy for letting the world know that it's ok for me to act like a kid since I haven't hit my 40th birthday. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm getting hungry, and mom says the chicken is almost ready...

The Nightcap

As I'm sure you know by now, the Pittsburgh Steelers named their mascot Steely McBeam. I think it's only fair that the ladies who grace this site also be given a name. Let's call them by my all-time favorite DirecTv compilation pay-per-view title: Chesty McHooters.
...

In what can only be described as a "miracle pull," a Columbus, Ohio man (who incongruously goes by 'Wolverine24') opened a pack of 2007 Topps Allen and Ginter's baseball cards and found a 1/1 Autographed Mother Teresa card, who I hear played a helluva rover for the Calcutta Lepers softball team. Now the blessed card is on Ebay, where it is currently fetching a price of $6099.99. Honestly, I think it's a steal at that or any price. Can't you just imagine meeting St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and he's making an accounting of your transgressions: "Let's see here. You gambled on football during the holy day. You stiffed that stripper 50 bux after getting lapdances all night long. I'm pretty sure you're drunk right now. Frankly, I don't know why you even bothered coming....wait, just a second? Is that the 1/1 Mother Teresa card? Holy H-E-double-you-know-what, I've been looking for that! What say you slip me that under my robe and we can get you right in. Loved ones are over to the right, virgins are on the left. Enjoy Eternity."
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According to LA Rag Mag (and really with a name like that, how could it not be reputable?), before Derek Jeter broke up with Jessica Alba, he gave her the gift that keeps on giving. Herpes. Even if it's true, the news is somewhat irrelevant, as it in no way reduces the willingness of a Yankees' fan to go down on either one of them in a New York minute. It would at least explain Alex Rodriguez's blue lips. That must be the tint on his cold sore cream.
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Wow, I just sandwiched Mother Teresa between Chesty McHooters and Jessica Alba's fiery crotch. I'll bet even in Pope John Paul II wettest dream he wasn't able to accomplish that feat. I should just retire now, because I can't sink any lower than this.
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Falcons fans, fear not. For Joey Harrington enters this season with a chip on his shoulder. Now if only he had a brain in his skull. Here's his new approach to the game:
"Screw you guys. I know what I need to do to be a good quarterback. In order for me to play well, I need to be a bit selfish. I need to tell myself, 'You know what? I'm going to throw that post route. And if it gets picked off, screw it. I'm going to throw the post route again, because I know it's open.'"

He's right tho. He does need to be more selfish. From now on, he needs to only throw the ball to people on his team, rather than his usual giving approach where he'd throw the ball up for grabs to anyone. So far, Joey Harrington has had to say "screw it" 77 times after picks versus saying "holy crap, I can't believe I actually threw a TD" only 72 times in his storied career.
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In an absolute must read, ESPN recounts an interview with the entertaining and astonishing Pacman Jones. After insisting he's only been arrested twice despite police records to the contrary, he then clarifies that when he went to a strip club immediately before his hearing with Roger Goodell, it was just to grab a bite to eat. As he so eloquently put it:

"If I could do anything different, I wouldn't have went and gotten nothing to eat then. There wasn't even no girls in there."

I can't even convince people that I go to Hooters for the wings, and Pacman expects us to believe he just went to a strip club for the food. I know that deli prices in New York are outrageous, but c'mon now. Maybe it was just all just a bit of miscommunication. Maybe a friend called him up and asked if wanted to grab a pie, and Pacman misunderstood. That kind of thing can happen when you don't understand the lingo of a new city. I still remember the surprise I felt when I walked into a Thai massage parlor and spa in San Francisco and ordered the tossed salad. So maybe Pacman deserves a break.

The Nightcap

Tonight's Nightcap is being brought to you by Coors Light. We'll save a cold one for you, coach.

I'll always remember Bill Walsh for his class, his intellect, and for making me cry as a little kid when his Niners beat my team on the way to the Super Bowl. That was the one and only time I cried over a NFL game- at least one that I didn't have money on...

Even in his final day, Bill Walsh showed that he was able to get things out of players that other people just couldn't do. Why today, to honor his coach, Joe Montana actually made an appearance on television without requesting an exorbitant sum of cash for his time...

Now the hopes of the franchise lie with Frank Gore, who shrewdly broke his hand in camp Monday in order to protect himself from blowing out a knee before the season begins. That was a veteran move...

Another veteran move reportedly being made today is the departure of Kevin Garnett from Minnesota to Boston in exchange for everything on the Celtics roster not named Allen or Pierce and a few draft picks. I'm uncertain of the long-term ramifications of the deal, but the immediate fall-out of the trade will be a never ending barrage of orgasmic columns from Bill Simmons. This should be fun...

In a mangled analogy, Simmons writes the Celtics moves were "like watching the World Series of Poker and seeing someone say "screw it!" by going all-in with a jack-nine of spades after a flop yielded two more spades. Is it smart to risk everything on the 25-percent chance that you'll get the flush?" I don't know if that cleared up anything for me on the mindset of the Celtics, but it did provide more evidence that Simmons isn't the expert poker player he imagines himself to be. As most poker players can tell you, the odds of hitting the flush in that situation are roughly 35 percent, which in the poker world is oftentimes a huge difference. And he wonders why he was knocked out of at least one World Series of Poker on day 1...

Everyone loves an NBA conspiracy theory, so I'll throw this one out there. The KG trade was orchestrated by David Stern to get people- especially ESPN - to start talking about something other than the Donaghy scandal. In return for the Celtics suddenly having three all-stars on their roster, the commissioner will make certain that the Timberwolves are winners in the 2008 lottery...

Lakers fans cannot be happy about the Celtics becoming a legitimate NBA team again. This is really taking the luster off of those Luke Walton, Derek Fisher, and Chris Mihm signings that Mitch Kupchak masterminded in the offseason...

The Twins traded Luis Castillo to the Mets, which has some people thinking that this means the Twins are now sellers and Torii Hunter is available. That's just not the case. Hearing that Castillo has been traded and concluding that the Twins are starting a firesale would be like seeing a VCR on sale at Best Buy and concluding that they're going out of business. It's just a case of an organization getting rid of some obsolete merchandise...

Finally, in a long, painful turn of events, Daunte Culpepper has announced that he was not able to come to an agreement with any NFL teams this year. Instead, he is looking to sign with the Oakland Raiders.

A Very Late Nightcap

A few thoughts to end the day- or start it, depending on your perspective...

ESPN Classic shows Kiana's Flex Appeal at 4 AM? How long has this been going on, and how did I possibly not know about it? Now I have to check their schedule to see if Bodyshaping is ever on the air anymore. I used to love the thinner blonde on the show. Remember her? She couldn't lift a paperweight, but Cory sure did seem to like her...

I'm a bit late on this, but The M Zone found a very well-reasoned and sobering article about the realities of trying to make a living out of blogging. It doesn't paint a pretty picture for those of us at the bottom of this pyramid scheme. But while the pay isn't great, there are fringe benefits such as searching for videos of a Hooters bikini pageant all in the name of going the extra mile trying to provide a service to readers...

A week ago, ESPN violated a MLB mandate by making the all-star rosters public before TBS had aired their exclusive selection show. As a punishment for their transgression, MLB has told ESPN that it won't be allowed to air it's all-star edition of Baseball Tonight live from the ballpark. I'm not sure that even qualifies as a slap on the wrist, but I'd like to thank Bud Selig nonetheless. I don't think I was prepared to see John Kruk's hair blowing in the San Francisco wind. I think the net effect would be a cross between catching Medusa's gaze and watching the videotape from The Ring...

I have to imagine that right now, there are 31 GMs in contact with Brian Urlacher's agent to make him an offer once he becomes a free agent. The Bears are going to cut him after allegations of harassment and abuse from his baby's momma, aren't they? They cut first, and wait for the judicial system to take its course later. Isn't that the precedent they set with Tank Johnson?

This isn't really sports related at all, but the timing was so uncanny that I think to appease The Fates, I should hand out a link. A couple days ago, for no apparent reason whatsoever, I had images of the old Billy Idol "Cradle of Love" video stuck in my head. Then, lo and behold, earlier tonight, I stumbled across a site called The Friendly Friends which is in the midst of, "The Definitive 1000," the longest countdown endeavor that I'm aware of. They are currently at #986 - The Cradle of Love Girl. It brought back some great memories, and I can only hope that this is just a sign of things to come; and soon I will find myself in the company of a pretty young thing in a bra and short skirt, crawling around on her hands and knees. I'll probably have to head out to a strip club to make it happen, but if that's my destiny, so be it...

Here's another awesome find by the folks at WBRS Sports Blog. That would look great right next to a Mark McGwire endorsed Juiceman Juicer...

In peripheral sports news, both Jose Canseco and Bill Simmons were eliminated from the World Series of Poker in day 1. I imagine Canseco was easy to read as he'd start twitching anytime he got a good hand...

Finally, if you're a UCLA or LSU fan, or perhaps a Trojan with a good sense of humor, you've got to check out the pic at the bottom of this post on Bruins Nation. That image is so amazingly hysterical that it's hard to believe it wasn't staged.

UPDATE: Sunday night there was a transcript of the online chat w/ Andrew Feldman and Norman Chad on ESPN.com. In that transcript, Feldman said that Bill Simmons was knocked out of the World Series of Poker early. However I'm now no longer able to find that link. It looks like it's been replaced by another chat from the World Series today in which Feldman was once again asked if Simmons played. This time his response was:

"Nope, he bailed. K-10 is not a good hand. That is not the last time I will say that."

I dunno. Maybe the first time, Feldman just saw some other Mass guy w/ a backwards cap quoting Rounders and mistakenly assumed it was Simmons.

The Nightcap

If you were to make a list of the early candidates for the NL Cy Young Award, one of the very first names would have to be Chris Young. He's 3rd in the league in ERA (2.14), 2nd in WHIP (1.09), 1st in opponents' batting average (.197), 4th in strikeouts per 9 innings (8.38), and 9th in wins (8). Yet somehow, Chris Young is not an All-Star this year, at least not according to the coaches and players. He is however a candidate on the Final Vote ballot at MLB.com, but given that more popular names such as Carlos Zambrano and Roy Oswalt are also listed, I'm skeptical that Young will get his rightful honor. Normally, I could care less about All-Star appearances, but for such an egregious oversight to be made is ridiculous. Don't be surprised if this error comes back to haunt the NL when they loses any chance at home field advantage in the World Series after the AL shells "all-star" Brian Fuentes and his 6 blown saves and 4.17 ERA...

Barry Bonds made a late charge with voters and was announced as a starter, which means Bud Selig is now looking for excuses as to why he won't be able to attend the game this year...

In a move that was surprising only in its timing, Mike Hargrove resigned today as head coach of the Seattle Mariners. During his press conference, Hargrove said he initially made the decision to resign on June 20, however general manager Bill Bavasi asked him to delay his announcement until the all-star break. In perhaps related news, it was June 21 that Joe Girardi turned down an offer from the Baltimore Orioles to be their head coach. This is pure speculation, but could it be that Bavasi contacted Girardi on the 20th to let him know that the Mariners position would soon be available? Bavasi is on the hot seat in Seattle, and hiring a hot name like Girardi could go a long way towards helping him save his job...

Waking up early on a Monday is something I usually try to avoid, but there's more rain in the forecast for London, England and Ana Ivanovic is scheduled to compete at around 8 am PST. That could make for some captivating television...

Cristie Kerr won the LPGA US Open today, beating out #1 player Lorena Ochoa. Of course, nobody bothered to watch because Michelle Wie had already withdrawn from the tournament. As much as the other players on the tour resent Michelle Wie, they absolutely need her if they want their sport to gain any sort of prominence. Maybe the LPGA should start putting remote guidance into her balls so she can make some cuts and boost ratings?...

The Lakers finally made a move that should make Kobe Bryant at least a little bit happier, agreeing to a 6 yr, $30 million contract extension with Luke Walton. Walton is Kobe Bryant's kind of player- meaning that Luke is more than happy to just pass the ball off to Kobe and rebound his misses...

By the way the research on that previous article included an added bonus that I wasn't expecting. The front page of the sports section of the LA Times website includes a picture of Christine Daniels- formerly Mike Penner, the sportswriter who hated his penis- and well, it's just as scary as you might imagine. Seriously, I think Barry Bonds made a more convincing woman last year at spring training.

Lastly, thanks to everyone who checked out the site over the weekend for my in-depth analysis of the NBA draft. It goes to show that Manny Coon's sage advice extends to all realms of art - even sports blogs. (If you're pressed for time, you can forward to the 3 minute mark. Warning, the clip does contain some language that may not be work appropriate.)

Making the Rounds With People On Drugs

This week, my place of residence is the 7th floor, the pediatric ward, of the hospital while Tyler gets some treatments. We've got our own 7th floor crew rollin' up in this joint:

(What's your name?)
T-money, yo
(What you do?)
Rock the chemo
(How you do it?)
Straight to the vein, then chill with Finding Nemo
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Sorry about that. I'm even more sleep deprived than usual. Anyway, I've got a brief break, so I thought I'd catch up on what I've missed in the wide, wide world of sports:

Sammy Sosa hit HR #600 in Texas last night, and the organization had the audacity to play "The Natural" as he rounded the bases. To be fair, I'm not aware of a song called "Ballad of the man from the land of needles and cork who forgot how to speak English and fled the country to escape persecution." But then again, I don't really follow country music much.
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Meanwhile, in an interview with local radio, Rangers owner Tom Hicks was asked about any decisions he regretted since becoming owner of the team. He responded with, "Juan Gonzalez for $24 million after he came off steroids, probably, we just gave that money away." Since we're talking about drugs, I have to wonder: is Mr. Hicks on crack? That's not even close to most regrettable decision Tom Hicks has made in his tenure as owner. To recap:

Signed ARod to 10 year, $250 million deal.
Traded ARod and $67 million to Yankees for Alfonso Soriano and player to be named.
Traded Alfonso Soriano to Nationals for Brad Wilkerson, Termel Sledge, and Armando Galarraga.
Traded Termel Sledge, Chris Young, and Adrian Gonzalez to Padres for Adam Eaton, Akinori Otsuka, and Bill Killian.

Compared to that debacle, failing to hook Gonzalez up with the right steroids manufacturers was a rather minor oversight.
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The NFL has said that it is serious about dealing with concussion injuries amongst its players. Because of the sports' physical nature, it's impossible to completely prevent concussions from occurring. However, the league can be more responsible in the way players are treated after incurring a concussion, both while active players and just as importantly, after retirement. Concussions may increase the likelihood of a person suffering serious brain disorders in later life, such as depression, Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease.

While the Federal government has shown an interest in baseball's steroid involvement, the NFL won't be helping with the treatment of retired football players. Many researchers believe that people who suffer from Parkinson's disease will be among the first to benefit from advances being made in stem cell research. Yesterday, the President vetoed a stem cell research bill saying,
"Destroying human life in the hopes of saving human life is not ethical."

I'd have a little easier time digesting that statement if it wasn't made from the same person who entered a nation into war. Oh well, at least he made Kurt Warner happy.
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Joe Girardi has turned down an offer to manage the Baltimore Orioles. While Girardi has probably accepted that he won't be the next Joe Torre (that position is being kept warm for Don Mattingly), he's realized that he doesn't want to end up being the next Lee Mazzilli either.
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Finally- Tim Floyd signs an 8th grader to a verbal commitment to USC, and it's seen as aggressive recrutiing, and yet if I tell the girl at Jamba Juice to call me when she turns 18, I'm a creep? That just ain't right.

The Nightcap - Allison's Family Continues to Stokke Internet Fire

Tonight's Nightcap is sponsored by Allison Stokke's drink of choice, Belvedere Vodka. Because when not trying to maintain those last few moments of innocence, it's always fun for an 18 year-old to party with her boyfriend, throw back a few shots, and chase it with some Coors Light. (Note: I'm just guessing on the can in her hand. It could very well be Diet Coke. Also the bottle doesn't appear to have been opened...yet.)

So let me get this straight- high school pole vaulter Allison Stokke is upset about all the attention she's receiving, so this Orange County girl's solution is to go to the Washington Post and Fox News with her story? If she really wanted anonymity, she should have granted Insomniac's Lounge an interview. I can promise her that my parents wouldn't have been adding her to their MySpace page immediately afterwards. Perhaps her feelings in the Post article are sincere, but if so, she's been badly misguided by her media savvy father. (He is an attorney who regularly defends people accused of rape and child molestation, so he's very familiar with using the media). The timing is odd too. It's the end of the school year. There won't be many meets between now and her college track season next spring, so this story would have dried up quickly as websites moved on to June's flavor of the month. She's in a peripheral (i.e., non-televised), seasonal sport, so unlike athletes like Michelle Wie and Maria Sharapova, her exposure is limited by the short duration of her sport. Even the peripheral athletes that overtly seek extra attention have a very short life span. When is the last time you saw Jennie Finch anywhere? Anyone remember high jumper Amy Acuff? If the Stokke family had just left the story alone, it would have run its course, and no one would have ever mentioned her again until perhaps the 2008 Summer Olympics. As it is, she's added an extra week or two to her lifespan.

Besides, she's going to Cal-Berkeley. By this time next year, she'll have stopped wearing makeup or shaving her armpits. I doubt many people will be fleecing her Facebook page for pics then.

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A few other thoughts from the day in sports that really should be in their own posts, but that would mean coming up with some new headlines; and it's already almost 4 am, so screw it...

It's been about six hours since I've last checked the story, so I'm not sure where Kobe Bryant currently stands on his trade demands with the Lakers. Either way, it doesn't really matter. Kobe has no leverage on the issue, and Jerry Buss will stop drinking with hot 23 year-olds before he trades Kobe Bryant. At least that's the case this offseason. There is however one scenario in which I could forsee Bryant possibly leaving LA. If OJ Mayo totally blows up during his one season at USC, then I could see Buss trading Kobe to move up in the 2008 draft for the rights to the fellow Trojan (Buss received his PhD from and taught at USC). While he won't have the same cache as Kobe Bryant, "Juice Deuce" should still be a pretty good draw in Los Angeles. Combine him with whomever the Lakers draft from this deep 2007 class and you've suddenly built a decent nucleus to compete in the next generation's (Portland, Seattle) Western Conference...

Personally, I was much more offended by ARod's latest bush league move on the field in Toronto than I was by reports of him heading up to his Four Seasons hotel room with a stripper. I don't know what that says about me, and I probably don't want to know...

So for three weeks, I've been waiting for Tom Glavine to get closer to 300 wins, so I could post my well-researched (by my standards, at least) article about how he could very likely be the last pitcher to reach that magic number for the next 10 years, along with speculation of who that next 300 game winner might be. Then Wednesday afternoon, I walked past a newsstand and saw that very topic is the cover story for this week's Sporting News. Sonofab*tch! To all you bloggers out there, the lesson to take from this is to always post whatever is on your mind, no matter how hasty or pointless it might seem...

I've got another contest to share that I should probably be keeping for myself. Between now and June 3, you can enter on DenverBroncos.com for the chance to win an all expense FunJet Vacation to Cozumel during the week of June 24-July 1. Putting the "fun" in FunJet is that those dates coincide with the Denver Broncos Cheerleaders calendar photoshoot, and the winner will be given the opportunity to attend one session of the shoot. While it's not explicitly stated in the rules, I assume the winner will also have to pass a lie detector test, as Mike Shanahan needs to know your true intentions before letting you go.

Oh, and if you happen to win but can't find anyone to gawk at Broncos Cheerleaders with ya....Lemme know.

The Nightcap - Celtics Fans Are Down For the Count

-"Dear ESPN Sports Gal,

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. If it's any consolation, lighting himself on fire is the way he always wanted to go. Like many others, I will choose to remember Bill for the times when he was actually funny. If you can find any consolation in the wake of these events, perhaps it is this: At least now, your daughter won't be forced to play in every single rec sports league because her father was disappointed that he didn't get a son.

Yup, I am his reader.

P.S. Would you happen to have an email address for any of the Page2 editors? I understand there's now an opening."

-While Celtics' fans might be upset about losing the opportunity to draft Greg Oden or Kevin Durant, not all is lost. There's still a chance that they could use the #5 pick on Spencer Hawes and give season ticket holders the young, white star they've been longing for. Maybe he can be the next Kevin McHale (the dominant big man version, not the franchise-killing front office guy).

-Immediately after the draft lottery, ESPN analyst Jon Barry said that Portland should trade away the most coveted #1 pick in years for veteran players because the Blazers do not need to get younger. Note to self: after building an empire with underground strip clubs and dog fights catering to athletes and then buying a NBA franchise with newfound fortune, do not hire Jon Barry as your GM.

-The Washington Redskins have issued a statement apologizing for the comments made by Clinton Portis which were dismissive of the allegations that Michael Vick is facing in connection with a dog fighting ring.

"The Washington Redskins, as an organization, obviously would never condone anything related to animal cruelty," the team's statement said.

I wonder how the organization would feel about endorsing anything related to genocide? Would the REDSKINS condone that?

-The Yankees are rushing Roger Clemens along and he may actually start for the Yankees next week against the Blue Jays. But after watching Mike Mussina pitch today, I think it's Roger Clemens' pharmacist that they really need the most.

-So, a few days after Jason Giambi says that baseball should apologize to the fans for its rampant use of steroids, it's somehow leaked to a NY Daily News reporter that Giambi failed an amphetamine test within the last year. Giambi should consider himself lucky. Bud Selig wanted to have the brake fluid drained from Giambi's car, but Donald Fehr was able negotiate a simple "uppers" violation.

-Giambi has said that whatever he did use, he didn't feel like it really helped him. He would have hit the homers anyway. So um...why did he keep taking it? Did he just like to start each day with a needle in the ass? That is like me saying that I'm pretty sure the women at the club would have slept with me anyway, but I just slipped the roofies in their drinks because I heard it was the thing to do.

-Speaking of ladies that I might need an added edge with, check out the Ultimate Fan Sweepstakes over at MLB.com. The grand prize is a set of tickets to two Dodgers home games with the opportunity to meet Alyssa Milano at one of the games. Ya know, maybe I'm selling myself short. She did date Carl Pavano afterall, so maybe she isn't the most discerning chick in town. That's my kind of girl.

Sports Hangover - Steve Nash is a Bad Man

After 60 bux in pay per view fees and 24 hours of buzzed television viewing (what else can you do with leftover beer and tequila from Cinco De Mayo other than drink the remainder on Seis De Mayo?), we now know who the pound for pound champion of the world is. Here is the current rankings of the strongest men in the sports world:

1. Calvin Borel. The 5'2", 116 pound, 40 year-old jockey proved that he can beat the hell out of a horse harder than any other professional horse-whipper en route to winning the Kentucky Derby. In doing a little research (i.e. Wikipedia) on Borel, I discovered that he is currently engaged. This led to my warped mind conjuring up the image of he and his wife in the honeymoon suite with Borel adorned in his uniform and holding a riding crop. Not a pleasant way to start my week.

2. Steve Nash. There are moments when I wonder if I made a mistake in finally upgrading to a high def tv this spring, such as anytime Tom Hammond or Jeanne Zelasko appear on screen. But then something comes along like a point guard cracking his nose open with a geyser of blood pouring out and I realize it was money well spent. From the moment that Steve Nash's nose collided into Tony Parker's skull and all the through the chemicals and pressure that trainers were applying to Nash's face, I never once saw him show any expression of pain. Meanwhile, it was Tony Parker who was lying on the floor for a few minutes while trainers attended to him, and Nash actually checking on Parker initially to see if he was alright. It really illustrated the difference between Nash's Canadian hockey gene and Parker's French, um well, "France" gene.

3. George Steinbrenner. George may have just salvaged his season afterall by snagging Roger Clemens away from the Astros and Red Sox. Sure it may have cost him a prorated $28 million to do so, but the Red Sox shelled out $51 million up front for Daisuke Matsuzaka, and if I were a GM, I'd much rather have Rocket this season. Granted, the Red Sox have Matsuzaka for multiple years, but is that really a good thing?

4. Barry Bonds. I don't know if Bonds is still on anything or not. But if he does have some mystery substance, when I'm 42, I want some. Whether or not you like Bonds (or said in another way, whether you're a rational human being or a Giants' fan), you have to be impressed by a .347 batting average, .529 on base Percentage and .806 slugging percentage at any age.

5. Floyd Mayweather. I don't know if he's the best pound for pound fighter or not, but he's definitely the most elusive fighter in the world. Tactically, he may have delivered a perfect fight, but boxing fans would have liked to have seen more combinations from the new champion. Instead it was one and done. The only noteworthy thing to happen at MGM was the appearance of Jenny McCarthy ringside just a few hours after she was seen by NBC cameras at the Kentucky Derby. Craving a little face-time, are we there Jenny? Maybe she was just there to promote her latest movie, "Wieners." But I don't know why she bothered. With a cast of McCarthy, Kenan Thompson, and Darrell Hammond, this thing promotes itself.

The Nightcap - Sex, Drugs, and Rocky Roll

With the Dow down over 400 points today, today's Nightcap is being brought to you by Pabst Blue Ribbon. I just hope there's a little bounceback tomorrow, or I'm going to have to start buying Keystone by the case, which is a fate no one over 19 should ever have to suffer. Can a brutha get a GoogleAd click?

By now everyone has probably heard about the Heidi Fleiss wannabee who is releasing a book which contains rather explicit details about the proclivities of her clientèle, including one Tommy Lasorda. Lasorda is of course refuting the allegations and hasn't been this pissed off since someone asked him about Kurt Bevacqua. I'm ticked off too. Not because someone has planted the image of Tommy Blue Balls receiving a hummer while watching lesbian porn, tho that certainly wasn't pleasant. No, I'm ticked off because Madams are supposed to have a code. Trust me, I watch a lot of Cinemax so I should know. The privacy of the client is to be protected at all costs. But now by publishing this book, Miss Gibson is messing up the program for all the other wealthy dudes with a boner and a fetish. If an athlete can't trust an upscale whorehouse, then he'll just save a few bucks and go to strip joints, night clubs, or good old street hookers instead. Ask Pacman Jones, Willis McGahee, or Denny Neagle (do not click if you ever want to have an erection again) how well that worked out.

If Miss Gibson really wants to publish something useful, she should release detailed instructions for her "swirly move" that relaxes the throat muscles so a woman can peform deep throat. That document should be the cover story in the next editions of Cosmo, Us Weekly, and Martha Stewart Living and then placed in every hair and nail salon in America...

Here's a painful segue. Tuesday night in Knoxville, Pat Summitt made good on her promise to do something special for the men's team and showed her school spirit by wearing a modest cheer uniform, singing "Rocky Top," and performing a cheer stunt. Honestly, I thought it was pretty cool, tho I wasn't quite as enthused as Dick Vitale. She not only showed people that she has a little bit of a wild side (I'm thinking she's a whips and chains gal), but she also laid to rest any lingering theories that the coach was actually a drag queen. Not that she showed any lady parts, but because she can't sing worth a damn. If she really were a man in women's clothing, she would have been belting out "Rocky Top" like Ethel Merman on a USO tour.

For those who watched the Florida/Tennessee game, you were treated to multiple shots of Peyton Manning in attendance (who made sure to mention the word "team" approximately 354 times in his courtside interview with Heather Cox). When the Volunteers completed their upset victory over the Gators, ESPN announcer Brad Nessler responded to a camera shot of Peyton Manning by narrating, "And Peyton says, 'That's the way we used to do it in football too.'" Umm, maybe with Tee Martin at the helm, Brad. Peyton Manning however, was 0-3 as a starter against the Gators, and 0-4 overall...

Gary Matthews Jr is among those at the center of an investigation into a drug distribution ring wherein steroids, HGH and other prescription drugs were sold over the internet. Of course since it's a baseball-related story (there was a pretty significant implication of the Steelers as well, but the NFL has Teflon when it comes to steroid scandals) that's involved with performance enhancers, the conversation of course eventually goes to Barry Bonds, the poster child of the steroid era in baseball. I was bored by the "Barry is a cheater" mock outrage last season, and nothing has really changed this year. I am however continually fascinated by the Bonds defenders (not the apologists, but the ones that have convinced themselves that Barry Bonds never used performance enhancers in the first place) that without fail find their way onto any large message board whenever Bonds' name is brought up. I swear, if I'm ever arrested for something and have to stand trial, I want my attorney to ask potential jurors one question: "Are you a Giants fan?" Because if they can believe that Barry is innocent, they'll believe anyone is innocent.

On a related note, this huge sting operation on prescription drugs being illegally ordered over the internet: that's not going to have any impact on the availability of low cost Viagra online, is it? No reason, just curious.