Wednesday, February 28, 2007

The Nightcap - Sex, Drugs, and Rocky Roll

With the Dow down over 400 points today, today's Nightcap is being brought to you by Pabst Blue Ribbon. I just hope there's a little bounceback tomorrow, or I'm going to have to start buying Keystone by the case, which is a fate no one over 19 should ever have to suffer. Can a brutha get a GoogleAd click?

By now everyone has probably heard about the Heidi Fleiss wannabee who is releasing a book which contains rather explicit details about the proclivities of her clientèle, including one Tommy Lasorda. Lasorda is of course refuting the allegations and hasn't been this pissed off since someone asked him about Kurt Bevacqua. I'm ticked off too. Not because someone has planted the image of Tommy Blue Balls receiving a hummer while watching lesbian porn, tho that certainly wasn't pleasant. No, I'm ticked off because Madams are supposed to have a code. Trust me, I watch a lot of Cinemax so I should know. The privacy of the client is to be protected at all costs. But now by publishing this book, Miss Gibson is messing up the program for all the other wealthy dudes with a boner and a fetish. If an athlete can't trust an upscale whorehouse, then he'll just save a few bucks and go to strip joints, night clubs, or good old street hookers instead. Ask Pacman Jones, Willis McGahee, or Denny Neagle (do not click if you ever want to have an erection again) how well that worked out.

If Miss Gibson really wants to publish something useful, she should release detailed instructions for her "swirly move" that relaxes the throat muscles so a woman can peform deep throat. That document should be the cover story in the next editions of Cosmo, Us Weekly, and Martha Stewart Living and then placed in every hair and nail salon in America...

Here's a painful segue. Tuesday night in Knoxville, Pat Summitt made good on her promise to do something special for the men's team and showed her school spirit by wearing a modest cheer uniform, singing "Rocky Top," and performing a cheer stunt. Honestly, I thought it was pretty cool, tho I wasn't quite as enthused as Dick Vitale. She not only showed people that she has a little bit of a wild side (I'm thinking she's a whips and chains gal), but she also laid to rest any lingering theories that the coach was actually a drag queen. Not that she showed any lady parts, but because she can't sing worth a damn. If she really were a man in women's clothing, she would have been belting out "Rocky Top" like Ethel Merman on a USO tour.

For those who watched the Florida/Tennessee game, you were treated to multiple shots of Peyton Manning in attendance (who made sure to mention the word "team" approximately 354 times in his courtside interview with Heather Cox). When the Volunteers completed their upset victory over the Gators, ESPN announcer Brad Nessler responded to a camera shot of Peyton Manning by narrating, "And Peyton says, 'That's the way we used to do it in football too.'" Umm, maybe with Tee Martin at the helm, Brad. Peyton Manning however, was 0-3 as a starter against the Gators, and 0-4 overall...

Gary Matthews Jr is among those at the center of an investigation into a drug distribution ring wherein steroids, HGH and other prescription drugs were sold over the internet. Of course since it's a baseball-related story (there was a pretty significant implication of the Steelers as well, but the NFL has Teflon when it comes to steroid scandals) that's involved with performance enhancers, the conversation of course eventually goes to Barry Bonds, the poster child of the steroid era in baseball. I was bored by the "Barry is a cheater" mock outrage last season, and nothing has really changed this year. I am however continually fascinated by the Bonds defenders (not the apologists, but the ones that have convinced themselves that Barry Bonds never used performance enhancers in the first place) that without fail find their way onto any large message board whenever Bonds' name is brought up. I swear, if I'm ever arrested for something and have to stand trial, I want my attorney to ask potential jurors one question: "Are you a Giants fan?" Because if they can believe that Barry is innocent, they'll believe anyone is innocent.

On a related note, this huge sting operation on prescription drugs being illegally ordered over the internet: that's not going to have any impact on the availability of low cost Viagra online, is it? No reason, just curious.

Labels: , , , ,

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Be Careful What You Do In A Bar With YouTube Around

This is pretty much for my amusement, but you might enjoy it as well. During the Michigan State/Michigan game, Brent Musburger and Steve Lavin had a brief conversation about the dangers of "that Google thing" and YouTube.

There's footage of Erin Andrews on YouTube? What kind of devious bastard would do that? I'm sure Erin, Holly Rowe, and Heather Cox are pleased to know that Lavin spends his time after games searching YouTube for various sideline reporters. But hey, even greasy-haired, cliche-spewing, charlatan announcers need pleasure too. Tho I feel shafted in the deal. With one clip, I have provided Lavin with more entertainment than he ever gave me while he was wasting young athletes' talent at UCLA.

As for Musburger's comments, I'm not exactly sure what to make of them. Is he upset that he can no longer go to a local watering hole and get loaded on Scotch without the world knowing about it (a fair complaint if you ask me- I'd be pissed too)? Or, was Brent making a subtle reference to another ESPN employee whose barroom prowess is now legendary?

Labels: , ,

The Nightcap

So the night after I write about how Georgetown and Kansas are two of my favorites to go to the Final Four, the Hoyas get crushed by Syracuse and the Jayhawks barely hold off Oklahoma. At first, it might seem that these results indicate that I don't have a clue as to what I'm talking about. I could definitely see how someone might come to that conclusion. However, I prefer to think of it as an indicator of my popularity amongst college athletes, as clearly these teams were reading the postings in the Lounge and let the praise get to their heads.

Tonight on ESPN, Fran Fraschilla said that this Kansas team is this year's version of the 2005-06 Florida team, which is exactly what I wrote yesterday. Obviously, I'm not accusing Mr. Fraschilla of stealing my ideas, since I'm fairly certain that he doesn't know how to operate the Google and the Ebays. Instead, I must just accept that if the former coach had the same idea, then it must have been a blatantly obvious concept...and most likely an errant one.

The Patriot League's leading scorer and conference player of the year is a guard out of Holy Cross named Keith Simmons. Hmmm....Holy Cross, Simmons, and basketball? Sounds an awful lot like Sports Guy material. From Keith Simmons' bio, I'm going to assume that there's no relation, however if Bill Simmons' karma is to stay true to form, then I expect Keith Simmons to play lights out in the opening round of the Patriot League tournament only to then rest on his laurels and mail it in for the remainder of their games. Think I'm just being bitter? Well, you're probably right. But answer me this: how has Bobby Simmons' NBA career gone since Sports Guy adopted him as family?

Remember when Bruce Pearl showed up shirtless and covered in orange body paint to a Lady Vols game? Well Tuesday, the mens' team hosts Florida, and it's now Pat Summitt's turn to lend her support to the squad. She hasn't revealed exactly what she will do at the game, however the early indication is that she will wear a cheerleader's uniform. While my initial reaction to the thought of Summitt in a skirt was one of horror, I've since realized that such costuming could provide the setting for one of the most memorable moments in college basketball history. What if Joakim Noah goes flying into the baseline like he did in the Kentucky game, only this time he's met by Pat Summitt shaking her pom-poms in his face? Noah then does what his instincts tell him to do when he sees a cheerleader and takes a swing at her- only instead of recoiling in fear, Summitt fights back. Suddenly, you've got a brawl erupting between a woman that looks like a man and a man that looks like a woman. It would be the highlight of the season. I'm setting both of my tivos to record the game just in case one shorts out from an overload of awesome.

Labels: , , ,

Monday, February 26, 2007

Brian Butch Briefly Becomes Double-Jointed

For those that missed it, here is Brian Butch's injury during Wisconsin's loss to Ohio State. The same injury for which Sportsline's Gregg Doyel mocked Butch for crying. I don't know what Doyel is mocking- just seeing this clip on tv made me shed a few tears. The initial diagnosis was a dislocated elbow. Actually, that was the secondary diagnosis. The intial one was, "AaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhOHMYGODDDDD!!!"

Labels: ,

Mouth Watering Goodness During CBS Basketball

It's a little hard to justify this as sports, but I'll give it a shot. I first saw this commercial immediately following the Wisconsin at Ohio State game. It's a parody of Hooters, which as we all know is a sports bar. And it sure as hell beats those creepy Hooters commercials with Dick Vitale:

I Feel a Case of the Madness Coming On

These last few weeks of the regular season always receive extra attention, as it's generally perceived that this is the time that teams start coming together and taking their games to the next level in anticipation of the big dance. However last year, Florida lost three games in a row in late February (at Arkansas, vs Tennessee, at Alabama) before catching fire and winning 11 in a row en route the championship. So maybe I shouldn't too much stock in the last few weeks. Still, I'm sure most coaches would prefer that their teams were peaking around this time. With that said, here are three teams on the rise and three teams that picked a bad time to struggle as March Madness approaches:


All season long, any discussion of the elite teams has always focused on five schools- Florida, Ohio State, North Carolina, Wisconsin, and UCLA. In that regard, Kansas at #6 has been flying under the radar. Since losing to Texas A&M at the beginning of the month, Kansas is 6-0 and has won their games by a combined score of 516-343 (average margin of victory: 28.8 points). The Jayhawks are in my opinion the best offensive team in the country, having broken the 90 point mark six times this season and boasting five players who average scoring in double figures. Kansas has one road game left at Oklahoma before hosting Texas in the season finale. Wins there combined with a good showing in the tournament, and Kansas might be able to steal a #1 seed.


Much like last year, I can already tell that I'm going to advance the Hoyas too far in my bracket and get burned. Georgetown has won eleven Big East games in a row, most of them in convincing fashion. I love watching John Thompson's team play, with their athletic version of the Princeton offense combined with a very aggressive defense. When they're playing well, they can beat any team in the country; and they're playing exceptional basketball right now. The brackets aren't even out, and I'm talking myself into putting them into the Final Four (beating Ohio State to advance in a great matchup of Oden vs Hibbert).

At the beginning of the month, I would have projected UCLA as a sweet 16 team, but not necessarily Final Four. However the last two months, the Bruins have elevated their game on the offensive end and are a legitimate threat to cut down the nets in Atlanta. The biggest difference between this team now and a few weeks ago has been their inclusion of the big men into the offensive gameplan. Lorenzo Mata and Luc Richard Mbah a Moute have both become viable threats to the point that Arron Afflalo now sets interior picks to free up the post players for an entry pass. Add into the mix that Josh Shipp has started attacking the rim again, and you've got a team that is suddenly very difficult to defend. The only downside for the Bruins is that UCLA has been a notoriously slow starter this year and they do still go through stretches when they're stagnant on the offensive end. I'm sure those will be areas of emphasis in the last remaining games and the Pac-10 tournament.


The Badgers have lost two in a row and have been held to 55 and 48 points in those two games. The good news is that this is a team full of veteran players and they shouldn't let these two games affect them too much. The bad news is that they've likely lost Brian Butch for the rest of the year as the result of a gruesome dislocated elbow (I'll post the clip soon), and Alando Tucker is 11 for his last 30 from the field. As an aside, I'd like to relay something a commenter at pointed out. Sunday, in what was a brutal piece even by his own low standards, Gregg Doyel wrote about the Badgers,
"The Badgers weren't good enough to win the national title -- period -- and that was before cryin' Brian Butch left Sunday's game with an elbow injury that might end his third consecutive disappointment of a season. The Badgers can make do without Butch's soft play and yucky body."

Yucky? Really? Anyway that directly contradicts what Doyel wrote last December in a column about players that had been surprisingly good:

"Brian Butch, Wisconsin: He's no project anymore. He's a player."

So how exactly is this a third consecutive disappointing season exactly? And mocking a college junior for crying after a brutal injury was absolutely classless.

North Carolina
The Tar Heels are young, so some ups and downs are to be expected. But a lot of the other top teams are young as well. Kansas' five top scorers are three sophomores and two freshmen. Ohio State is led by freshmen Greg Oden and Mike Conley, Jr. UCLA had no seniors at senior day. At any rate, losing three of seven games is reason for concern. Here are a few postgame quotes after North Carolina lost to Maryland Sunday night:

"This is very frustrating," North Carolina center Tyler Hansbrough said. "We can't crumble whenever the game gets tight. We have to be tough."

"We lacked focus. We didn't convert the way we should down the stretch," forward Reyshawn Terry said. "We had another breakdown. We keep hitting the same wall. It's making me a little nervous, honestly."

Obviously, these are not the words of a confident team, and confidence is a key element at this point in the season.

On the other side of the confidence spectrum is the Florida Gators who appear to be overconfident right now. Either that or they're just bored with the regular season and are waiting for the NCAA tournament to begin. But while that mentality might work in pro basketball (example: any team that's had Shaq on it), it's very dangerous in the college game. Just ask last year's UConn team. Florida has lost two of their last three games, and I anticipate that they won't win the SEC tournament. However, they'll still get a high seed in the NCAA tournament, and at that point, it will be up to them to "flip the switch" if they want to repeat as champions. Florida still has the best starting five in America, so I'm not counting them out by any means; but if I had to make a prediction, I see this them getting upset in the elite 8.

For what it's worth, here are my current power rankings:

- Afflalo playing like a champion before leaving for the NBA
2. Kansas - Looking more and more like this year's version of Florida
3. Ohio State - It feels like they've underachieved, yet they'll be ranked #1 in this week's polls. Not too shabby.
4. Florida - Taking their abilities for granted right now.
5. North Carolina - Nothing will surprise me with this team in the tournament. They could lose in the first round as a #2 seed or they could win it all.
6. Texas A&M - Big statement game at Texas this Wednesday.
7. Georgetown - Hibbert could use the tournament to become a lottery pick.
8. Memphis - Like Nevada, it's hard to evaluate this team given the competition in their conference.
9. Wisconsin - Have shot 35% their last two games. It's a bad time to go cold.
10.Texas - Every #1 seed should be scared to death of facing the Longhorns early.

Labels: , , , , , , ,

Sunday, February 25, 2007

My Gift to UCLA Haters Everywhere

I honestly don't know what possessed "bruinbrown" to put this video on YouTube. But he did, and he obviously wants people to see it, so I'll share it with you. Here is one UCLA student's tribute to the seniors who spent so many nights camped out in front of Pauley Pavilion. I can't comment too much on the entirety of the clip, because I still haven't been able to make it more than 45 seconds before I have to shut the thing off because I'm worried that my eardrums might explode in self-defense. I just wish that if this guy really wanted to thank the seniors, he'd bought them a Coke instead:

(HT and apologies to Bruins Nation)

Labels: , ,

Friday, February 23, 2007

For Radmanovic, It's Not the Fall That Hurts. It's the Lies.

When Vladimir Radmanovic initially told Lakers management that he injured his shoulder slipping on some ice outside Vlade Divac's condo in Utah, it was about as believable as a stripper at Minxx saying she got her bruises when she fell against a pole. Today, Radmanovic released this statement:

"The truth is that I hurt myself in a fall while snowboarding. Being young and sometimes immature, I initially panicked and made up a false story about how I hurt myself. However, over the past few days my conscience has been bothering me terribly. I am not a dishonest person and could no longer live with this deception."

I'm not buying the guilty conscience story, so the Lakers must have something on him. Obviously, Radmanovic has never been in a long-term relationship or he would know that once you've committed to a lie, you have to stick with it no matter how damning the evidence is against you. I don't care if Radmanovic was trying to teach Vlade Divac how to do a Backside Air to Fakie and Darko Milicic was filming the entire thing, you have to stick with your story.

Also, how appropriate is it that hanging out for a few days with Vlade Divac ended with a painful flop? That would be like going cliff diving with Alex Rodriguez and crushing yourself because you couldn't hit the ocean, or going out to dinner with Rex Grossman, ordering the best item on the menu and choking on it.

Labels: ,

Some May Call Me Obnoxious, But I Prefer the Word "Proud"

Thanks to Bruins Nation for doing all of the legwork on this one. UCLA debuted their new commercial at Pauley Pavilion, which is a dramatic improvement over their previous one ("UCLA is big....BIG!!!"). Granted it's entirely sports-oriented; and including Karl Dorrell's program is disingenous, but utilizing UCLA's greatest living sports icon as the voice of the university is a wonderful touch. The commercial was premiered at the Bruins basketball game last night, after which Coach Wooden (seated in his customary spot behind the bench) was given an extended standing ovation.

Dammit, now I'm itching to go to the Stanford game again, where a win would clinch at least a tie for the Pac 10 Conference championship. StubHub is going to get my money afterall!


UCPD Is Keeping the Campus Safe From Capitalism

Last night was the Bruins penultimate home game and I wanted to be there. Unfortunately, I didn't have a ticket. Tickets on Ebay were nosebleeds (and I've become an unabashed ticket snob) and the offerings from brokers were outrageous considering the opponent was 7th place Cal. So I went with plan C, which was to head down to campus and buy tickets from a scalper. Unfortunately, when I arrived at Pauley Pavilion, campus police were actually arresting the ticket scalpers. That was a first. I thought we had a general understanding as a society that even if scalping was technically illegal, it was tolerated as long as there were no altercations. Is brokering a deal for tickets on campus really any different than what StubHub or RazorGator does? Actually, at least the scalpers let you negotiate how much you're willing to be ripped off. With StubHub, they don't even offer you a little bit of vaseline before they violate you. Fun times.

The scalpers in handcuffs put a hitch in my plans. I ended up listening to the beginning of the game on the radio broadcast outside Pauley until finally finding a late arriving Bruin who had an extra ticket. Even better, once inside, I was able to meet up with a few friends who had great seats and an opening near them. So my story does have a happy ending. I love a happy ending.

As for some actual basketball notes:

-I ended up getting in my seats with about 10 minutes left in the 1st half, which is probably when all UCLA fans should arrive to the games, since the Bruins have decided that they're going to use the first 10 minutes of every game to spot the opposition a 10 point lead. By and large, they've been able to get away with it during the regular season. But it's a dangerous way to live, and could be costly in the tournament. (I feel like I've written this before. If so, I apologize, but it's just as much of a problem now as it was a few weeks ago.)

-For most of the conference season, while the Bruins' defense was sensational, their offense frequently seemed to lose their direction. Oftentimes, their offensive set would be to run Arron Afflalo off multiple picks to try to get him a shot; and if that didn't work, then Darren Collison would call for a high pick and launch a three point shot. Since Afflalo and Collison are both good shooters, it was effective enough to win, but it wasn't elite basketball. However in the last two games against Arizona and Cal, all five players on the floor for UCLA have been viable, integral parts of the offense. When Mata (or Aboya), Shipp, and Mbah a Moute are all legitimate threats on offense, then UCLA itself is a legitimate threat to go to the Final Four.

-It's a miracle, but Lorenzo Mata has fixed his free throw problems. His release, rhythm, comfort level, rotation are all different now then they were for the better part of this season. I noticed it on tv in the Arizona game, but it was even more evident in person. Something triggered, and he's now much more relaxed and confident at the line. He's now 10 for his last 11 from the charity stripe. You can forget the Lorenzo Mata that shot 30% from the line. That Mata is gone. This new guy is a 75% shooter.

-Russell Westbrook was the energizer in the first half, but he was benched in garbage time after a few poor decisions. Despite a 10 point win, Westbrook had his head down at the final buzzer. Hopefully Coach Howland will focus on his early pivotal contributions and help him realize he's a key part of the team's success.

-The UCLA dance team should get a 10% commission from 4 Play Gentleman's club on the night of home games. After watching those girls dance around for two hours, a side trip down to the club is a tempting way to "let traffic clear" before heading home.

-In other basketball news, the Washington Huskies are obviously only comfortable playing at home. Fortunately for them, they've just added another home game to their schedule as their loss to Oregon State last night secures them a spot in the N.I.T.

-Oregon shot better from 3 pt land (11-25) than 2 pt distance (11-30) in a mild upset win over Washington State. The loss moves Washington State two games out of first place, removing some of the luster from the March 1 matchup between the Bruins and Cougars. However, UCLA still has to play Stanford, so there's a chance that game at Pullman could still have 1st place implications.

-By the way, can we move the college 3 pt line out to the international distance now? When power forwards are casually launching threes, it's time for a change.

-In his piece on Dennis Johnson, Bill Simmons calls him, "Indisputably...the greatest defensive guard of his era." Now I can appreciate that this was essentially a eulogy, and so some hyperbole is acceptable. But I hope for the sake of his argument, he considers Michael Cooper to be a forward. Otherwise, there is plenty to dispute.

-Honestly, I'm not picking on Simmons or trying to be a jerk after the death of DJ, I just don't like when people use words like "indisputably" in the context of a sports opinion. One of the key elements of being a sports fan is the stupid barroom discussions and debates regarding players and teams. "Dispute" is one of the lifebloods of sports sites like Deadspin, Page 2, and even this one.

-Saturday, the UCLA Bruins have a revenge game against the Stanford Cardinal. It is indisputably the best home game remaining on their schedule. Anyone have an extra ticket?

Labels: ,

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Cheerleader Hall of Fame? Bring It On!

I can always count on MJD for his in-depth, hard-hitting research that reveals the kind of human interest story that makes you truly appreciate the impact that sports has in society on a day to day basis. Never was this more true than today, when he uncovered a sparsely circulated press release which announced that Proformance Sports Marketing and Entertainment, under the direction of former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader Cindy Villareal-Hughes, is in the process of developing a Cheerleading Hall of Fame. To quote MJD:

"Austin is considered a favorite to host the Hall of Fame, but it's not yet a lock. According to Shelby Bell, a PSME spokeswoman, other sites are being considered "because they are central cheerleading points of interest." I would like to direct her to another central cheerleading point of interest, located in my pants."

Of course, the next logical question is: Of all of the generous, tireless women who have shaken their asses for the masses, who is most deserving of immediate induction into the hall? If I were given a vote- and really, I think I've earned one, here would be my inaugural class (as always, larger photos are available for most images by clicking the thumbnail:

Carolina Panthers Dancers Angela Keathley and Victoria Renee Thomas.
When Angela and Victoria decided to hook up for some bathroom stall lesbian lovin in a Tampa Bay Banana Joe's, they not only elevated the discussion of cheerleaders to its rightful place as the lead story on sports talk radio, they also reassured every male out there that it's perfectly reasonable to believe everything you read in Penthouse Letters. Here is the police report from Smoking Gun if you need a refresher on the incident. The only thing missing is testimony from a bouncer which begins, "I never thought this would happen to me..."

USC Song Girls.
The SC Girls deserve their own wing in the hall for their decades of contribution to the sport. Nobody pays tribute to the tight white sweater and nobody prances around like the happiest strippers on the planet quite like the SC girls. They are a joy to behold. However in recent history, two SC girls have distinguished themselves from the pack. These two are so notorious, that even without their names being well publicized, people immediately know who they are. The first was the tall blonde who cheered for Texas in the Rose Bowl and UCLA after scores proving that in their heart of hearts, cheerleaders are just born to cheer. The second SC girl was immortalized in "FlashGate" during the Rose Bowl when her spankies became a wedgy, revealing a decent amount of underbutt during a perfectly executed spin move. Hopefully this girl will be known as a pioneer in her field; and one day, all cheerleaders will be wearing thongs under their skirts.

Courtney Cox, aka Courtney Simpson
If you don't recognize the name, it might be easier if I just say, "The ASU cheerleader who went into porn. (moderately safe for work)" Some of her titles include: "Double Dutch," "Da Vagina Code" "Frathouse F*ckfest #4" and "Honey, I Blew Up Your P*ssy, #8." She even appeared in one of her videos wearing her ASU uniform, which I don't have to tell you, is all kinds of awesome. A search for her name on one video site reveals 150 titles, which I believe makes her the most successful career woman in the history of Arizona State.

The Louisville Cheerleader Who Mistakenly Trusted Her Boyfriend
I believe Rebecca Manns' story that she never intended for these pics (not even remotely safe for work) to make their way into the public. By most accounts, she took these photos for her boyfriend and after a fight or breakup, he retaliated by putting them on the internet. Honestly, in this era of ubiquitous digital cameras, I'm surprised this doesn't happen on a daily basis. The University responded to these photos by kicking her off the squad and out of school, which is preposterous. Her parents have sued to have her reinstated, but I don't know the results of that lawsuit. I'd like to let Ms. Manns know that if Louisville administrators continue to be unreasonable, I'd be more than happy to home school her.

Cheerleaders Who Became Glamour Models.
Notice a trend here? Clothes come off, and you're a virtual lock for the HOF. Danielle Gamba was a Raiderette until nude pictures of her were discovered, upon which she was dismissed from the squad. Her firing demonstrated that Al Davis' horrendous personnel decisions extend to all realms of the organization. Bonnie Jill-Laflin cheered for the LA Lakers, Golden State Warriors, Dallas Cowboys, and San Francisco 49ers (she even has a Super Bowl ring!) before finding her true calling as a model for Mystique Magazine. She is now an assistant scout for the Los Angeles Lakers, no doubt reporting directly to Jerry Buss.

Cheerleaders Who Achieved TV Stardom.
Paula Abdul went from Laker girl to dancing with an animated cat, to the crazy, "prescription" drug-addled American Idol judge she is today. Before she was ravaged by father time, Teri Hatcher was once a Gold Rush Girl for the Niners. Stacy Keibler used her skills developed as a Ravens cheerleader to become one of the most popular girls in the WWE and is now a professional movie premiere attendee. Katie Couric, Sandra Bullock, Calista Flockhart, and Halle Berry were all high school cheerleaders.

These are but a few of the girls who have contributed to the lore of the all mighty cheerleader. I can't wait to see their busts in the hall of fame.


Chief Illiniwek Shall Dance No More

Take a good look at this man, for it's the last time you'll see him like this (at Illinois games at least. What he does on his free time is another story)

Tonight is the last home game for the University of Illinois Fighting Illini, which also means it will be the last dance for Chief Illiniwek, aka Dan Maloney. The University is retiring the mascot after relenting to sanctions (the university has not been allowed to host postseason play since 2005) for the use of what has been deemed offensive imagery. For some reason, many people outside of the University have found the outside portrayal of an American Indian chief to be disrespectful. A white guy slapping on paint of another race and dancing around...what could be so offensive about that?

Many people associated with the university are predictably upset that politics is destroying an 80 year old tradition on campus. I've never seen the dance in person, but watching video of it, I have mixed feelings:

How often in this day and age do you see a group of people putting their arms around each other and joining together in song? It's quaint, heartwarming, and gives a sense of nostalgia for what it might have been like going to a game in the 40's or 50's. Well, at least what it would have been like for a white person to go to a game in that era. I imagine the experience for minorities would have been slightly different.


Monday, February 19, 2007

Lost in Thought After a Busy Day in Sports

The Chargers named Norv Turner as their head coach and The Hater Nation is not very pleased with the move. But I think he's being too hard on Turner's ability to lead the Chargers. Norv is taking over for a team that went 14-2. All he has to do is duplicate that record for the next two seasons and he'll be a .500 coach for his career.

NFL Adam's stance that Norv Turner is a horrible coach is hardly a minority opinion. Many people believe that Turner is good as an offensive coordinator but lacks the qualities to be an effective head coach. Among those people is former wide receiver and tango dancer, Jerry Rice. In Rice's new book, Rice says that Turner, "was never really head coach material ... He couldn't control the players and guys like Charles Woodson walked all over him." I'll give him a pass on Woodson- nobody has been able to turn him into anything resembling an NFL player. But one thing Turner did have some control over however was Rice's streak of consecutive games with a catch, which ended while Norv was his head coach in Oakland. So while I don't doubt that Turner was never exactly a taskmaster with the Raiders, I'm also certain that Rice harbors some serious resentment towards Norv for letting that streak come to an end.

It was also announced today that Ted Cottrell and Ron Rivera will be joining the Chargers as their defensive coordinator and linebacker coach, respectively. For Ron Rivera, going from the defensive coordinator of a Super Bowl team to the LB coach of an also-ran could be seen as a demotion; but if so, it's a rather soft landing. At Chicago, he had Lance Briggs and Brian Urlacher at his disposal. Now with the Chargers, it will be his job to coach Shawne Merriman- not exactly the most difficult assignment. As long as Merriman doesn't get suspended again or pull a hamstring doing his Lights Out dance, Rivera should once more look like a defensive mastermind and be a viable candidate for head coach opportunities in the 2008 offseason.

The Colts slapped the franchise tag on Dwight Freeney, thereby guaranteeing that he will be wearing the horseshoe for at least one more year. While Freeney is obviously very talented, I'm surprised by this move. I would have thought that Tony Dungy would have allowed Freeney to go free, knowing in his heart that Freeney would re-sign with the Colts if it was all part of God's plan.

Tom Brady is going to be the father of Bridget Moynahan's baby. I guess Brady wasn't using his five layers of protection that night. Maybe Brady didn't think it was necessary. He probably assumed that if his boys were anything like everyone else associated with the Patriots, they'd never be able to run the right route in a pressure moment.

I know the rankings are a "what have you done for me lately" system, but it's absurd that Ohio State is #1 in the Coaches/ESPN poll. I'm trying to figure out what it was that impressed the voters so much. Was it their loss to Wisconsin, their losing trip to North Carolina, or their 26 point beating from Florida that convinced everyone that the Buckeyes were the best team in the nation?

Alex Rodriguez confirmed that his relationship with Derek Jeter isn't as close as it once was:
"The reality is there's been a change in the relationship over 14 years and, hopefully, we can just put it behind us," he went on. "You go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week, and now you don't sleep over." ARod might feel a tad hurt by this development, but of course he's not going to sleep over anymore. When the choices for Jeter are ARod or: Mariah Carey, Lara Dutta, Jordanna Brewster, Vanessa Minnillo, Gabrielle Union, Jessica Alba, or Scarlett Johansson, chances are slim that he's going to be inviting ARod in to play with the XBox and drink Keystone Light all night.

Labels: , ,

Friday, February 16, 2007

I'm Less Retarded Today Than I Was Yesterday

I finally figured out how to create an RSS feed for this blog. It was embarrassingly simple. I probably shouldn't even admit that I was ever confused by the process. Let's just say the idea of an RSS feed had never entered my mind until today.

Anyway, the links are to the, past the boobs...keep looking.


Everything is Funnier at 4 am

Why are you reading this site when there's so much good stuff over at We Are the Postmen right now? Trust me, you gotta check them out today. They're on fire. Some might even say they're flamin'.


If Anyone is Going To Whoop My Boy It's Me

This might already be all over the internet and I just missed it. Judging by the hits it's received on YouTube, that could definitely be the case. But I don't know when I'll have the next opportunity to post video of a grown man throwing a boy around- it could be weeks. Here is footage from a one-sided junior wrestling match in Chicago. One kid is being dominated and as an act of self-preservation, he goes limp and curls into the fetal position. It's a reasonable move against bears- not so much against an 11 year old. Fortunately dad is there to save the day and spare the family any more humiliation:

The father is currently unavailable for comment as he is in reclusion in an unknown Chicago suburb where he is now neighbors with Steve Bartman.


The Nightcap

Tonight's Nightcap is being brought to you by um..whatever they're having. It looks real good to me. Make mine a double.

The game of the night was USC at Arizona, where the Trojans won at the McHale Center for the first time in over twenty years. It's now 26 games into the season and Southern California still hasn't developed anyone off of their bench, but so far they're proving that their starting five is enough. Tonight Gabe Pruitt, Lodrick Stewart, and Pac-10 Player of the Year candidate Nick Young combined for 69 of the team's 80 points.

Arizona is now 17-8 and has four remaining games (vs UCLA, at Arizona St, at Cal, at Stanford) before the Pac-10 tournament. I wouldn't go so far as to call them a bubble team just yet as reputation goes a long way with the selection committee. But they do need to beat either UCLA or Stanford to firmly secure their invitation to the dance. I think they'll do both.

It may be my imagination, but this season really seems to be wearing on Lute Olsen. He's beginning to look less and less like a venerable old coach, a la Dean Smith in his golden years; and is beginning to take on the appearance of a frustrated old man, like Joe Paterno. I'm not sure how many more years Lute has left in him. It will be interesting to see if the program is able to maintain its position amongst the elite when he leaves.

What happened to Jawann McClellan? When he first arrived at Arizona, he looked like the next superstar to wear the Wildcats uniform. But this season with the emergence of Chase Budinger and Marcus Williams, he's all but disappeared. It seems like the only time he's capable of putting together a good game is when he's playing the Washington Huskies (for some reason, all of the Wildcats transform into Sean Elliot and Steve Kerr when they play U-Dub). McClellan is going to have to step up his game if Arizona is going to be any sort of threat in March.

The exact same could be said of Josh Shipp at UCLA. He is no longer the same dynamic player he once was when he joined the Bruins. UCLA doesn't need him to be a superstar, but he does have to become a viable third option and role player- much like Cedric Bozeman was for last year's team. While he did lead the team in assists in UCLA's lethargic victory over Arizona State, he also led them in turnovers. He needs to become more of a contributor on offense especially against the zone defenses being thrown at UCLA.

About those zone defenses? Expect to see a lot of them, because until either Shipp or Mbah a Moute develops a reliable mid-range jumper, the Bruins primary attack against the zone is to just throw it around the perimeter until either Collison or Afflalo shoots a three to beat the shot clock. That's not the kind of offense that will get them to Atlanta.

Has Cal really fallen on such hard times that their fans will rush the court after any game that the Bears manage to win? Apparently so, as the students came a-stormin' after Cal beat Oregon, 63-61. This is the same Oregon team that has now lost four of their last five and is falling fast. With Cal playing Oregon State on Saturday, they'll need to get some extra security at Haas Pavilion as there could be a full blown riot if the Bears actually get a two game winning streak.

I've been having an internal struggle on just how much to write about the Tim Hardaway fallout today. When I first heard the comments, it seemed to me that what he said was pretty much indefensible. But then listening to talk radio and reading the AOL FanHouse, it's apparent that many people are rushing to his defense. I've been trying to stay out of the discussion because I'm of the opinion that anyone that advocates hate against a group of people is by definition closed minded, and so my words won't be that persuasive anyway. I expected the Biblical cherry-picking to justify hate, but my favorite rationalization has been that it's OK to hate gays because unlike race, sexual orientation is a choice and therefore homosexuals can be "trained" to like the opposite sex. I'm not sure how anyone can sincerely believe that it's a choice, because why would a person choose a lifestyle that leads to being oppressed and ostracized? And if that were the case, then wouldn't the converse be true? Wouldn't you be able to get any heterosexual male off the street and via therapy be able to train him to prefer the company of men? I guess the theory is that a dick is like Diet Coke. It's revolting at first, but if you force it down your throat long enough, it becomes quite palatable.

Hypothetical question of the night: Let's say you had an 8 year-old son who wanted to join a youth basketball league. There are two teams in the league with a roster opening. One is coached by John Amaechi and the other is coached by a Catholic priest. Which team do you put your son on?

Labels: , , ,

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Tim Hardaway Wants to Launch Gays into Outer Space

For a very brief period, Tim Hardaway was a part of the ESPN studio team for NBA shootaround, where he quickly established himself as the most unintelligible analyst in the history of sports. My memory of him was that he made Magic Johnson sound like Barack Obama. Bob Wolfley of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel had this impression of him:
Tim Hardaway is ESPN's version of Eric Dickerson, with a twist. Dickerson at least spoke English most of the time. With Hardaway, English is his second language. Maybe third.

"The Mavericks ain't beat nobody," Hardaway said about Dallas' 5- 0 start. "Dey beat Golden State, ah, ah, ah, Chicago. Right now, we on't know if dey real or unreal."

Hardaway has been one tough watch on "ESPN Shootaround" on Fridays.

Today during an interview with Dan LeBatard, Hardaway made his thoughts very clear (update: MJD over at the FanHouse has found the audio of the entire interview):
"You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known," Hardaway said. "I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States."

The best part of this- Hardaway was being interviewed from Vegas where he is currently participating in an NBA Cares event.

Now I'll bet Hardaway doesn't really hate all gay people- only the gay dudes and butch chicks. But I'm sure that the lipstick lesbians that you find in pornos and strip clubs are A-OK in Timmy's book. Cuz, I mean, that's a beautiful, beautiful thing and who doesn't love that?

While some might think that this opinion is borne out of ignorance, Hardaway actually has experience in this area. I think all of his hatred stems from a scarring incident when he was still in the league and he found himself with a face full of Baron Davis' nutsack and clearly didn't like it:

Hardaway later apologized for his remarks on the advice of his new publicist, Kim Etheredge. I guess Hardaway has abandoned any aspirations to return to the NBA as an analyst. But on the bright side, maybe Tony Dungy will invite him to speak at the next banquet for the Indiana Family Institute.

Labels: ,

If It's On, It Must Be Sports

The Sports Illustrated Swimusit issue should be at newsstands now, and while the issue seems downright quaint these day compared to what I can find online in just a few perverted google searches (or by perusing my bookmarks), it's still a must "read" for me as long as Marissa Miller is involved. has all the model galleries online (as well as pics of Beyonce), but I prefer to bask solely in the glory that is Marissa. Here are a few samples:

By the way, who knew the new ipod had a vibrator mode? That Steve Jobs thinks of everything!

The Nightcap

Tonight's Nightcap is being brought to you by Pearl Vodka on the rocks, which at this time of night, just knocks me out. So it will likely be a short nightcap.

Nobody wants to be in Billy Donovan's Five Faves. Anytime a team moves up in the 2-6 standings in the coaches poll, a loss is soon to follow. This weekend, UCLA lost at WVA while ranked #2. Yesterday, Pittsburgh felt guilty about being overrated as the fifth best team in the country and fell to Louisville. Today, it was #4 North Carolina and #6 Texas A&M's turn to add a loss to their record. Fortunately for Wisconsin and Ohio State, they don't play anyone even remotely threatening until they face each other, Feb 25.

Memphis has suddenly found themselves in a really good position towards getting a #1 seed in the NCAA tournament. They've been rolling through the Conference USA schedule and should get some favorable matchups to waltz into the sweet 16. But I just don't know if I can take them seriously as a Final Four contender because with the exception of the Kentucky game, anytime they've played anyone with talent, they've lost. They're the basketball version of the Golden Domers at Notre Dame. Naturally, I'm hoping that if Memphis is a 1 seed, then UCLA gets the #2 seed in their region.

The Lakers lost at home to the Knicks on a last possession lob from Stephon Marbury to Eddy Curry while a giddy Spike Lee taunted Denzel Washington courtside. I think there should be a rule that if you're a team from the West and you're swept by the Knicks over the course of the season, then you are automatically disqualified from making the playoffs.

I don't know about all of you, but I sure am enjoying all of this extra Nascar coverage on SportsCenter now that ESPN has the rights to broadcast their series. It fits in nicely as a bookend to the girls' basketball highlights. Tho if ESPN starts to integrate Rebecca Grant (pictured) more into their racing coverage, I might just have to become a regular viewer.

Speaking of ESPN broadcasts...when the announcers throw it to the sidelines and I'm expecting to see Erin Andrews, but instead I'm greeted by the sight of Holly Rowe- well, needless to say, it's quite a jolt to the system. I didn't know it was physically possible, but I'm pretty sure my dick got whiplash. They really should have provided some sort of warning.


Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Get Out of the Garage and Into a Cubicle

If there's anyone on the west coast that loves baseball, is good with numbers, and is looking to get paid, I'd like to pass along this listing on Craigslist to you:

The fastest and most exciting name in Sports is hiring an analyst for the upcoming baseball season. Love sports and want to get into the Sports Media business? Here is your chance. We are a solid company that is growing rapidly and working with all the biggest names in the Sports Media world.

Please include salary requirements.

Abilities Required
• Lifelong passion for Major League Baseball
• Detailed knowledge of current managers and players
• Working knowledge of top minor league prospects
• Extensive undergraduate and/or graduate work in statistics, mathematics and related fields
• Computer modeling (financial, economics, scientific)
• Very comfortable working with spreadsheets and databases

If anyone does want to apply, I'd recommend the Baseball America Prospect Handbook as a good cheat sheet. I might actually send a resume, but it sounds like it's actual work, which as anyone that knows me can attest to, is something I try to avoid.

I wonder who the "fastest and most exciting name in sports" is? It can't be any of the mainstream networks or websites, because they don't care about the minors nor do they really focus on any advanced statistics. I'm at a loss. Part of me wonders if this is actually just a personal ad from Billy Bean.

Dan Patrick Remembers Valvano and Mees

Earlier today on his radio show, as part of Sportscenter's celebration of their one billionth audience member screamed at or something, Dan Patrick was recounting some of his memories over the years at ESPN. While the show was by his own admission mostly self-congratulatory, Patrick also took some time to remember some of the great people he's encountered during his work with the network. At one point, he brought up Jim Valvano and former ESPN anchor Tom Mees, which led to this touching and rare display of emotion that I thought was worth sharing:

Listening to this while driving in my car, Dan Patrick's unintended moment of silence actually gave me a moment to reflect on lost loved ones who touched my life. So I guess I owe him a bit of thanks and should remember that despite its many, many flaws, ESPN isn't completely evil.

Ok, that was heavy. I'm sure you don't come to the site for this. You come for incisive commentary, pics of hot girls, and dick jokes (tho I'm sure you can take or leave the commentary part.) I promise to deliver all three in my next post.

Labels: ,

Monday, February 12, 2007

Big HomeCourt Advantage

So I guess I'm just posting videos today. I just saw this on Bruins Nation. This clip is from a timeout during Saturday's game between UCLA and West Virginia. The more I think about it, the more I'm impressed that the Bruins didn't just fly back to LA at halftime.

Labels: ,

John Beilein is a "Master Motivator"

UCLA had a lot of built-in excuses at tipoff of Saturday's matchup at West Virginia. They'd just played their cross-city rival, Wednesday. They had to fly across country. There was the 10 am pst start time. It was around 15 degrees when they left their hotels. They were without their starting and only true point guard.

But changing any of those factors wouldn't have mattered anyway. Not after the Mountaineers had heard this inspirational speech from their head coach, John Beilein:

Damn, who's their head coach, Mel Tillis? I love the response from the players at the end- it was like the final battle scene in Braveheart, only the exact opposite.

Of course, West Virginia still beat the Bruins convincingly, so maybe they're onto something out there in Morgantown. Maybe Ben Howland should bring John Melendez in as a motivational speaker before the big game at Arizona this weekend.

Labels: , ,

Lil' Robert Horry Wants to Sell You a Jeep

One of the great side benefits of buying the sports packages on DirecTv is seeing the local commercials on regional sports networks. So while the San Antonio vs Orlando game will be better known for that incredible game winning last second alley-oop on the inbound from Hedo Turguklo to Dwight Howard, I'll also remember it as the first time I saw this Jeep commercial starring Lil' Robert Horry:

(Note: This is much funnier if you've had a little bit to drink. Actually, that's pretty much true for everything on this blog.)

I love Lil' Robert's gestures in this commercial. They should give him a sitcom on CW immediately.

Labels: ,

Erin Andrews is Dazzling

For those that missed it Saturday night, ESPN finally relented to the demands of all my letters and emails and dug up some old footage of Erin Andrews from her days as a Florida Dazzler.

It's pretty much like I had always imagined it would be. Except at the end, she doesn't slowly pull off her top and dance on my lap.

Labels: , ,

Friday, February 09, 2007

Bill, You Ignorant Slut

I try not to make a habit out of ripping Bill Simmons here at the Lounge. I've made this decision for a couple of reasons. One is that with the way his columns have been the last year or two, it would become very monotonous for me to criticize his recycled columns twice a week. If I'm going to be monotonous around here, I'd much rather it be with pictures of college women having a good time in various states of undress. The other reason why I'm reluctant to criticize the Sports Guy is that Bill Simmons is the Chevy Chase of the blogosphere. He was hilarious when he first hit the scene, but now he's been reduced to using the same devices (Clark Grizwold and pratfalls vs Pats/Celtics/Sox/MTV); and it's hard at times to remember that he was ever funny at all. Nonetheless, both were at the forefront of a new movement in their craft and are deserving of at least our appreciation if not our respect.

Having said that, I couldn't help but comment on the Sports Guy's most recent Page 2 column, "Welcome to the Basketball Blog," in which Simmons announces that he will now be following college hoops on a regular basis. The fact that he will be covering college basketball in itself is great. After some down years, the college game is going through a resurgence, and any additional coverage it can get from pop culture media is great; and so it's nice to have Simmons on the bandwagon. But once on the bandwagon, does he have to insist on driving it too? Doesn't he realize that not everyone waited until their football team was eliminated from the playoffs to start watching basketball? Some of us have actually been following the game since November. And yet his tone is so smug, condescending, and dismissive- it's as if the topic wasn't worth discussing until he had entered the room. (And before you say this is a case of the pot calling the kettle black, I prefer to think of myself as flipping, obnoxious, and playful, this column notwithstanding.) But hey what do I know? My dad didn't get me premium season tickets at the Garden to watch the Celtics play in the 80's, so how could I- or anyone else for that matter- possibly have a valid opinion on basketball if we are not able to put it in the context of past Boston greats?

Now I'm getting worked up. I should repeat that I do think his coverage of college basketball is a good thing. I realize that most sports fans are casual fans and have actual lives (strange, huh?), and therefore don't spend hours each day reading various sports blogs. For the sake of the popularity of college basketball amongst those fans, it's great that a popular writer such as Simmons is now giving the college hoops some publicity. I just wish that in his first posting on the topic, he didn't try to present himself as an actual authority on the topic rather than the neophyte that he is. It reminded me of his column on the World Series of Poker, when he tried to portray his early exit as proof that tournament poker had disintegrated from a game of great skill (like he possessed) to one of luck in which any fish could win. But in reality, any experienced poker player reading the column quickly identified Simmons as being the fish in the story. Simmons may be a big fish at ESPN, but when he writes about college basketball, he's a fish out of water. And a fish out of water quickly begins to stink. (Ok, I've beaten both the metaphor and the topic to death. Gotta wrap things up.)

On another note, I'm beginning to worry about the health of Kevin Durant. If Simmons obsesses about him any further, I just know a cocaine overdose is coming a few days after the draft.

For some excellent coverage of the 2006-07 college hoops season from writers who actually watched the '06 portion of the season, check out the following sites:

Complete Sports

Grant Wahl's weekly SI column

(btw, I'm still having problems uploading pics to the server via blogger. Don't know what the problem is, but it's bumming me out.)

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Picture Pages

For some reason, Blogger is being really pesky with letting me upload pictures to my server, which is why there are no photos attached to my latest post. To make up for that, I've created a quick photo album from some snaps I took during the game last night. More accurately, they are photos I took during the dead-ball situations and pregame. So there isn't much in the way of in-game shots, but that doesn't mean there aren't action shots. (hint, hint: USC's song girls did make the trip.)

Labels: , , ,

Bruins Deliver in the Clutch

Tonight was an opportunity for the top teams in college basketball to assert their dominance, and for the most part, they did just that. Florida won at Georgia, 71-61. Wisconsin took care of Penn State 71-58. North Carolina withstood an early charge from Duke and prevailed, 79-73. But I didn't see any of those games, because I was at Pauley Pavilion watching the #2 UCLA Bruins take on the crosstown Trojans of Southern Cal. Much like their first meeting, USC was the dominant team for the first 30 minutes of the game. However in those final 10 minutes, UCLA had enough will, enough composure, and enough defense to come away with a 70-65 win. Some notes from the game:

While Arron Afflalo will always be the heart of the team, the MVP for the Bruins Wednesday was Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, who had two big blocked shots, 10 rebounds, a nice soft touch on his mid-range jumper, and the steal that gave UCLA its first lead of the game with 5:49 to go in the game.

The Trojans did an excellent job of mixing up their defenses, frequently switching between a 2-3 zone and man to man. Too often, the Bruins settled for outside jumpers, leading to a miserable 2-17 performance from 3 pt land.

Much will be made of the 31 to 5 free throw discrepancy in favor of the Bruins, however as I mentioned elsewhere, one must keep in mind that:
-13 free throws came in the last 1:12 of the game, when USC was trying to stretch out the game to mount a comeback.
-2 free throws were the result of a blatant technical foul.
-3 free throws were the product of Tim Floyd employing the "Swat-a-Mata" tactic with the Bruins in the one and one in the first half.

Take away those 18 free throws, and that makes the ref-related free throw differential only 13 to 5. Still one-sided, sure; but considering that UCLA's defense in the first half was so atrocious that they couldn't have grabbed an SC player if they wanted to, the stat seems reasonable.

That being said: it should come as no surprise that in a game in which a coach was upset with the officiating, the head ref was good ol' Dave Libby. Libby is an absolute disaster of an official. He is the same man of whom ESPN analyst Doug Gottleib once wrote, "Please stop putting him on big West Coast games. He ruins the flow and puts both teams on edge."

There were some notable celebrities and athletes in attendance tonight. Amongst them was Governer Arnold Schwarzenegger. As he hobbled by, it was very disconcerting to see the Terminator on crutches- almost as disconcerting as the bad, bad dye job on his hair. Yikes.

Many former UCLA football players were in the crowd, including Cade McNown. When shown on the jumbotron, McNown had a look on his face that said, "Yeah, I may have been a bust in the NFL, but I had sex with Heather Kozar, and no one can take that away from me. And hey Bears fans, do you think I could have possibly done any worse in the Super Bowl than Rex Grossman?"

The highlight for me however was being fortunate enough to have UCLA volleyballer Nellie Spicer standing next to me while UCLA ushers spent 15 minutes trying to find her a seat. Already charming on tv, Ms. Spicer is an absolute stunner in person. She can dig my balls anytime. (I'm not sure what that means.)

I'm willing to admit when I'm wrong, and I was wrong about the juggler being out of place at UCLA basketball games. I guess there must have been some circus renaissance in pop culture that I missed, because the fans really seem to like him. And if the fans like it, then it's good for the game. Mr. JugglerMan, I apologize.

During one break in the game, the PA announcer honored a UCLA gymnast for her accomplishments this past year in national competition. In a very surprising move, the USC song girls joined in cheering for the UCLA athlete. I know that SC's girls have been known to cheer for anyone in the past, but this was a very classy move by the squad. It almost made me feel guilty for ogling them as sex objects for two hours. Almost.

While this has never been even a possibility in the recent past, it appears that the UCLA and USC basketball teams have developed a mutual respect for each other. It's a strange, strange feeling. Fortunately, the arrogance of Pete Carroll and the incompetence of Karl Dorrell will ensure that there will still be plenty of hatred to fuel the rivalry for years to come. Or at least until Dorrell gets fired and Carroll flees to the NFL to escape NCAA sanctions.

Labels: ,

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Joe McKnight is Moving Out West

Three years after the fact, LSU fans are still upset that the mainstream media often chooses to recognize USC's 2003 AP Championship in football over the Tigers' BCS title. Now, Tigers fans have yet another reason to be upset with the men of Troy. Louisiana recruit Joe McKnight, who many people consider to be the next Reggie Bush, has announced that he has chosen Southern Cal over Louisiana State.

Congratulations to USC. And congratulations to the McKnight family. I hope you enjoy your new, rent-free home.

Labels: ,

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Tyrus Thomas is Dunking for Dollars

I guess when Tyrus Thomas spent his one year at LSU, he had time for an economics class, but never bothered showing up for public relations or communications. When it comes to the all-star game, the NBA might care, but Tyrus Thomas just has his mind on one thing...getting paid:

Perhaps Tyrus Thomas will display more energy and enthusiasm during the slam-dunk contest than he did Monday in discussing his participation.

Asked if he were excited about becoming the first Bull since Scottie Pippen
in 1990 to participate in the event as part of All-Star weekend, Thomas
barely looked up from untying his shoes.

"Not really," Thomas said. "I'm just going to go out there, get my check and
call it a day."

Asked if an opportunity to rub elbows with some of the game's greats could
be beneficial for a rookie, Thomas kept unlacing.

"I'm just into the free money," he said. "That's it. I'll just do whatever
when I get out there."

Thomas makes $3.26 million.

The winner gets $35,000. The runner-up receives $22,500. Third and fourth place are worth $16,125.

It might be a good idea for David Stern to put an arm around Tyrus Thomas and explain to the rookie that the All-Star events are supposed to be for the fans- the same fans that pay his salary. So it might behoove him to slap a smile on his face for a day or two and pretend that he gives a damn.

So far this season, Thomas is averaging 3.5 points per game and 2.7 rebounds. It seems like getting free money is his specialty.

Labels: ,

Monday, February 05, 2007

Free At Last

So I must admit that I was a bit skeptical about the social relevance of having two black head coaches face each other in the Super Bowl for the first time. But already, its impact is being felt throughout society. Just last night, the opening scene of PlayboyTv's "director's cut" movie featured a black starlet being nailed hard on a kitchen counter.

Opening scene. That's progress, baby.

I'm still hungover from my battle with the keg last night. Sadly, I fared only slightly better than Rex Grossman did yesterday. Hopefully after some more sleep and a few glasses of Tang, I'll be able to post some more Super Bowl thoughts later today...

Labels: ,

Friday, February 02, 2007

Super Bowl Preview

I love football, but I hate the two weeks of fabricated hype that precede the big game, which is why I haven't discussed the Super Bowl much on this blog. But since the game is in two days, I suppose I better give my prediction now.

Here's what will happen Sunday:

Many people will get together and party, and many people will get drunk. And yet, few will get laid.

Also, Indianapolis 27, Chicago 13.

Labels: , ,

UCLA Sits Alone at the Top

I was at the UCLA game last night, where I foolishly decided to just make "mental notes" as I went along rather than write things down. Unfortunately, if my brain is like a chalkboard, then beer functions as one giant eraser. Luckily, the box score really tells the whole story.

It was a complete team effort, with four Bruins scoring in double figures, and more importantly, nobody was in foul trouble the entire game. UCLA likes to play a physical brand of defense. They'll bump you as you're coming off screens or moving through the paint. They'll put a body into you as soon as the shots up, and they're always reaching for the ball. If the officials are whistle happy, then the Bruins are susceptible to getting into foul trouble, as they did against Stanford. But when refs let the teams play, then it's really tough to score on UCLA's defense. By the way, Dave Libby wasn't officiating this game, and there were half as many fouls called on UCLA vs Oregon as there were against Stanford- coincidence? (Ok, Oregon is also a lot smaller than Stanford, but I still wish Dave Libby would retire.)

Staying out of foul trouble really benefited Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, who was finally able to get into the flow of a game and have an impact defensively and on the offensive glass. His final line:
15 pts on 6-6 shooting, 12 rebounds, 2 assists, 4 steals, and 4 blocked shots in what was easily his best game of the year.

Lorenzo Mata looks miserable whenever he gets fouled and has to shoot free throws. He walks to the line with the same hesitancy as your dog does when you call for him after you've discovered that the trash is lying all over the floor. Now Ben Howland has no choice but to bench him during the last five minutes of the game, which is a shame because Mata has really come along nicely on the defensive end and as a rebounder.

On the flip side, his benching gives more playing time to Alfred Aboya who is just beginning to blossom into the player I think he can be. He still makes one or two bad decisions a game, but his energy, attitude, and athleticism are huge assets to the team.

I knew Oregon was never going to have a chance in the game when I took my seats down at the baseline where the visiting team's cheerleaders are usually positioned and there were no Dancing Ducks to be found. C'mon Oregon- it's your biggest road game of the year, and you don't bring your cheerleaders along? I know not many fans are going to travel from Eugene, but there's still karma involved. Didn't you know the basketball gods would be watching? And the basketball gods love a coed in a skirt!

UCLA had their own issues in the spirit department. Four enterprising young students opted to go shirtless and paint their chests to spell out, "U-C-L-A." in blue and gold. But two of the guys opted to first paint their entire chest yellow, and then paint their letter in blue over it. What they failed to realize during their warroom meeting is that yellow and blue, when combined, make green. So these guys ended up looking like they were covered in yellow and green- Oregon's colors! Oops.

Also...A juggler? The Bruins still have a friggin' juggler at some home games?! Really? Here's an imaginary conversation I had with a Ducks fan at the end of the game:

Me: Hey- 69-57, and UCLA's defense shut down Aaron Brooks all night long. What do you think of the Bruins now?
Duck fan: You've got a juggler who balances his hat on his nose.
Me: F*ck. You win.

Labels: ,

Thursday, February 01, 2007

College Hoops Cram Session

Stanford lost to Gonzaga in double overtime, 90-86. Of course, that loss just shows how much depth there is in the Pac 10. Oh wait, that doesn't work this time, does it? I was just so used to spouting the company line that I forgot to check if there was any truth to the matter.

All the mid-level Pac-10 teams would like to kindly request that coaches and writers no longer vote them into the top 25, because anytime they do, a loss is sure to follow. USC crept into the top 25 and was beaten by Stanford. Washington State's first week in the rankings was followed by a loss to Oregon. Now Stanford has this Gonzaga defeat on their record. It looks like Washington was the smart school- getting bumped out of the rankings early, so they wouldn't have to worry about any losses in the stretch run. Very shrewd, Mr. Romar.

Indiana beat Wisconsin 71-66, and Indiana students were so excited about the victory that they stormed the court. C'mon now Hoosiers fans, let's get some perspective. I know Wisconsin was ranked #2 in the country at the moment, but these are still just the Badgers. Which school has five banners hanging from their arena? Who was just in the championship game in 2002? If you want to be a national powerhouse again, act like one. I'll bet if Duke beats North Carolina next week, you won't see them storming the court.

Oh who am I kidding? Duke's going to get killed by UNC. This isn't a slight against Duke, who has surprised me with their record thus far, but the Tar Heels are peaking and looking rather unstoppable. As good as Wisconsin, UCLA, Kansas, and Ohio State are right now, a Florida-UNC matchup has a "game for the ages" potential. Of course, since it's the final that everyone is expecting and hoping for, it's never actually going to come to fruition.

Despite a slow start, Florida displayed their explosiveness Wednesday night in a 74-64 victory over Vanderbilt. It's been tough for me to watch Florida play this year. Not because watching them play reminds me of the beating they gave UCLA, but because my hairline has been running about a year or so behind Billy Donovan; and I'm getting really depressed by what 2008 holds for me. Donovan's team definitely has the best starting five in the country, but they did show a few weaknesses. They don't have much depth this year, so if they ever were to get into foul trouble it could hurt them. Also, Vanderbilt showed that you can successfully attack their press with crisp passing and get easy baskets. Donovan actually called off the press for most of the second half. (Wait, you mean a coach is allowed to adjust his defensive strategy in the middle of the game? Ok, I guess I'm still a little bitter over last year's championship game.)

As an aside, Tom Hammond was announcing the Vanderbilt-Florida game. I had no idea he announced basketball. I thought he was just called in for events where horses were involved- like the Kentucky Derby, or any Notre Dame game with Laura Quinn in the stands.

Finally, as a college basketball fan, I would just like to thank David Stern for allowing us to borrow Kevin Durant and Greg Oden for a year.