so, let's see...I don't update the site for six months and then my first post back features Adolf Hitler- and one in which Hitler's rant makes sense, at that. Yeah, this return is going to be a roaring success.
Pac-10 champion Washington had little trouble dispatching Mississippi State, 71-58, tonight. However, Venoy Overton might not remember the score...or where he is:
Earlier today, Arizona lost to Arizona State for the third time this season. The 68-56 defeat gives the Wildcats five losses in their last six games and seemed to put Arizona's chances of making the NCAA tournament in serious jeopardy. That is at least, until the following news was broken:
I like the idea. I'm pretty sure I still have one year of eligibility remaining; and I've always wanted to give bartending school a try. Now, I just need to partner with an LA pole dancing class for some cheerleaders and I'm set.
This past Thursday in Tempe, UCLA's attempt at a comeback victory was wiped away when a potential go ahead basket by Darren Collinson in the last minute was ruled a charge, despite the fact that ASU's Jeff Pendergraph clearly stuck out his hip. Video evidence below (ignore the chicken wing by Collinson that the refs also missed):
Tonight it was USC's turn to experience the Sun Devils' home court mojo when Daniel Hackett drove into the lane in an attempt to cut the lead to three, only to find himself being undercut by a sliding defender. One official was prepared to call the block but was overruled by David Hall, the overzealous head official, at the baseline. Rather then confer amongst themselves to make sure the call was correct, the refs went the alternative method of "most demonstrative call wins" and stayed with the charge call. Tim Floyd then responded in typical Floyd fashion, by subtly expressing his displeasure with the call:
It should be noted that while both games were in Tempe, it was a different officiating crew for each game. You've got to hand it to Pac 10 refs- at least they're consistent in their calls. Unfortunately for basketball fans, they're consistently awful.
As a UCLA fan, it was painful to watch the Bruins go into Tempe and get swept by the Sun Devils in heartbreaking fashion Thursday night. But like any dedicated basketball fan, I had to review the game tape both to see how Arizona State pulled off the win, as well as to get a sense of closure. ASU was certainly prepared for this game. Jeff Pendergraph did a great job passing out of double teams to find wide open teammates behind the arc, and defensively, the Sun Devils' matchup zone gave UCLA problems all night. But ultimately, the difference in the game was the home court advantage:
(video recommended for broadband connections only)
As you can see, ASU's spirit squad, while not the force it was before being conjoined by the administration, still had ample talent to put on the court. They were quite prepared to pull off the shocker.
The NBA has finally decided to resume playing some games. The Finals begin tonight, and after doing some cursory research, it appears that the Yellowbook All-Access Cam was only a feature for the Western Conference Finals on TNT. As far as I can tell, it won't be used during the Finals on ABC. That's a bummer- not because I ever used the online cam during the games, but I'm going to miss the Yellowbook "wedding" commercial. Here it is if you need a refresher:
I can see getting married, maybe having a few kids. But a tattoo? It's just so...permanent. (R.I.P, Drake Sather).
During a playoffs that tried to convince me that Tyler Perry and Bill Engvall were "very funny," this ad was quite a welcome respite. The oh so sexy bride-to-be is a relatively unknown Mexican model/actress by the name of Blanca Soto. (Coincidentally, she's also one of the bikini cable installers in the DirecTv ad that was prominent during the playoffs.) Unless Yellowbook has also opted to sponsor the Finals, her presence will be greatly diminished over the next few weeks. I find that greatly disappointing. In the meantime, if you were wondering what she looks like out of her wedding dress, here are a few photos of the lovely lady.
After much anticipation, the Celtics/Lakers NBA Finals has finally arrived. For what it's worth, my bet is on the Celtics in six. Unfortunately, I placed that wager prior to hearing Pau Gasol break down what goes into winning a championship:
(Update: Now edited to include wacky, cartoon audio!)
Am I going crazy, or did that actually make sense? Actually, I don't think the two are mutually exclusive.
I consider myself to be somewhat of an avid baseball fan, but if prior to tonight you had asked me me who the current manager of the Seattle Mariners is, the best I could have come up with was, "I know the team gave Mike Hargrove a nervous breakdown, but I have no idea who got suckered into that gig. Is Ichiro a player/manager?"
Turns out the correct answer (for now) is John McLaren, and while he hasn't really been a household name this season, he did manage to make an impression tonight. After being swept by the Angels to fall 15.5 games behind first place, McLaren let reporters know that he's mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore:
Then he stormed out of the press room- most likely to find Mariner Moose and punch him in the face.
This team is badly in need of a slumpbuster. Unfortunately for them, the Seattle City Council just made that scouting process a little more difficult. Seriously, if you can't console yourself after a tough loss by getting a vanilla soy latte from a barista wearing electrical tape on her nipples, well what's the point of loving baseball anyway?
Once again, the American tv viewer is getting the shaft. Over here, a Burger King commercial consists of a guy wearing a costume with a giant head and freaking people out with every visit. Meanwhile in Europe, the BK ads are so visually stimulating that they even manage to make soccer look interesting:
Ok, so maybe the ending is a bit of a buzzkill, but by British dental standards, those ladies are still solid eights.
C'mon, US television geniuses. You've already taken The Office and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire from England and made them hits here- how about giving The King a day off and throwing some porn stars on a gridiron instead? Do that, and I might even be compelled to order a Loaded Steakhouse Burger for the second time in my life. I won't be able to bring myself to actually eat that vile mound of crap, but I'll at least order it.
I'm not really much of a soccer fan, but I'm trying to give this Manchester United v Chelsea match a shot. I'm admittedly having some trouble getting into it, but I think it's because unlike everyone in attendance, I'm sober. I need to rectify that situation.
But hey, at least I've got the Manchester United song down:
Here's the rally goat/ram that made its way to the Padres dugout as the People Against Goodness and Normalcy (*bonus points if you actually know that reference) did everything they could to put an end to last night's marathon game:
It's a shame the trophy didn't work. Then the "late night ramming" could have enjoyed such other bestial motivators** in baseball lore as the Rally Monkey, the Happy Beaver, and the Cross-Eyed Panda of Good Fortune.
*-bonus points may be indicator that you watch too many late night movies on Starz, Encore, etc. **- some items on list may have just been bad hallucinations ***- dear god, i need sleep
With Bob Barker in retirement, PETA has taken the reigns as the leader in the campaign to convince people to have their pets spayed or neutered. They've launched an ad campaign that has featured John McEnroe, model Dita Van Teese, and their latest spokesperson...Ron Artest! Yes, in their search for the right person to deliver a message on treating animals humanely, PETA opted to go with a guy who was recently accused of animal cruelty. This video appears to have been filmed last summer, but according to PETA, the campaign itself is new:
(For a clearer version of this video, check out PETA's official blog, "The PETA Files." By the way, I think it's a reflection of the insular nature of the organization that PETA doesn't realize their blog is a play on words for child molesters.)
Edited from this clip is Ron looking at his pooch, John Henry, and saying, "Did you know that you have to feed your doggies too? I thought they could just hunt for their own."
To be fair, it's possible that Ron Artest's dog sitter was to blame for neglecting his dogs for a month. Also Ron-Ron sounds very sincere when he talks about volunteering in an animal shelter to "pet the doggies." Actually, as erudite reader JSon pointed out to me, he sounds a lot like Lennie Small, the mentally deficient but good-hearted farmhand from "Of Mice and Men" who dreams of living off the fat of the land and tending to his rabbits. Artest actually comes off as sympathetic if you imagine him hanging out in one of Sacramento's many farms and believing he has a chance for a championship on that team of D-leaguers (sorry, Quincy Douby).
The conspiracy theorist would note that David Stern has been influenced by PETA in the past when he experimented with switching from a leather to a synthetic ball for a few months. As Artest has had many run-ins with Stern (including a recent suspension after allegations of domestic abuse), it's possible that Artest agreed to do this spot to earn favor with the commissioner. This actually makes sense. Stern has lost control of the media and the owners, but at least he can still bully around a couple of players to make himself feel powerful. Maybe next week, he can get Carmelo Anthony to talk about how flying to Paris is easier than traveling to god-forsaken Seattle,
I'm busy doing my Bud Selig impersonation and trying to cook the books so it appears like I didn't make any money last year. Although this Wired article is making me wonder if all the loot I shelled out on UCLA tickets is actually a legitimate write-off, in which case, showing a loss next year will be all too easy.
In the meantime, how about a video filler? Presenting, "Idiots wearing mascot uniforms, doing idiotic things...with predictable results":
Between the Dodgers being two-hit by the greatest regular season pitcher in the league, Jake Peavy, and the Bruins inability to contain Derrick Rose or hit an outside jumper, it was a tough day to be a fan in the greater Los Angeles area.
Well...maybe not for all fans. The Angels did win, and I'll bet the people sitting in this general area had a pretty good day:
Nice to see the girls from the Anaheim Hooters going to the game for a change instead of the other way around. (Tho the "blonde" Asian working on her posture might work at California Girls Gentlemen's Club. I'm not sure, but I'm willing to find out.)
When Stu Lantz first started working as a television commentator for the Los Angeles Lakers in 1987, he was working alongside the loquacious Chick Hearn, and as such, he rarely actually spoke. Since Hearn's passing in 2002, Stu Lantz has become more and more vocal as his new partner, Joel Meyers, isn't quite the presence that Hearn was. Usually, Lantz's style is to describe a replay in the "voice" of the person being highlighted. (Example: "Fisher says, 'I'm gonna drop the ball off to Pau.' And then Pau says, 'Thanks Fish, I'll take it from here.' And he slams it home.") However during the deciding moments of last night's Lakers/Blazers game, Stu tried to mix in an analogy. It starts off fine, but then it all goes awry as he tries to stretch the metaphor:
For those who have YouTube blocked at work, here is a transcript:
See, that's one thing I like about that #24: When he gets you on life support, he won't give you mouth-to-mouth. He pulls the plug. A lot of guys get you on mouth to mouth- I mean on life support- they wanna hug and kiss and..revive ya. Kobe says, "Not havin' it. I get ya there, I'm stabbin' ya in the heart."
As tortured as the analogy seems, Stu has been covering the Lakers for over 20 years; so I suppose he must know what he's talking about. A cursory look through the history books provides a few examples to support his claim.
Game 7, 2000 Western Conference Finals. The Portland Trailblazers have a 75-60 lead in the fourth quarter of a game they've been dominating. Seeing that the Lakers are on life support, Rasheed Wallace inexplicably goes to the Lakers bench to tell Rick Fox that he wants to kiss him. (Perhaps not that inexplicable if you've seen Fox's eyes.) This leaves Arvydas Sabonis one-on-one with Shaquille O'Neal, who proceeds to score nine 4th quarter points and ignite the Lakers to the biggest comeback in game 7 history.
Game 4, 2002 Western Conference Finals. Just seconds away from a commanding 3-1 series advantage, the Sacramento Kings needed only to secure a rebound to be well on their way to the NBA Finals. Seeing just a few ticks left on the clock, Vlade Divac decides to reach out an arm to hug Shaquille O'Neal, leaving him with just one arm available to get the ball. Vlade is forced to slap the ball to the three point line towards a wide open Robert Horry, who proceeds to make history.
2002 NBA Finals. Kobe Bryant stabs Jason Kidd in heart (video unavailable).
My apologies, Stu. I guess a lot of guys do lack Kobe's instinct afterall. Still, I have to hope that Mr. Lantz never finds me unconscious, as I am uncertain of his revival methods. Also, what was wrong with just stopping at pulling the plug once someone's on life support? Why we gotta get all stabby-stab with the thing? Stabbing people on life support- even Quintin Tarantino thinks that's messed up. But at least the Lakers broadcast finally has a new catchphrase to replace Chick's "This game's in the refrigerator." Now once the Lakers have an insurmountable lead, Stu can proclaim, "Time to stab grammy in the heart. This thing is over."
As noted earlier today at With Leather, Reanen Maxwell, a former scoreboard operator at Comerica Park has filed a lawsuit against the Detroit Tigers because:
"Tigers photographers routinely shot inappropriate "soft core videos" of female fans at baseball games."
The suit sounds dubious as even using the most conservative definition of "soft core," it's hard to believe that such a practice would go unnoticed in this hypersensitive and hyperhorny culture of ours. My initial instinct was to dismiss the claim as being little more than retaliation from a puritanical (and/or fat,old) former employee. But then I remembered that I still had the 9th inning of Justin Verlander's no-hitter on my Tivo, so I figured I'd rewatch it to see if there was any evidence that the claim might have any merit at all. I was shocked by what I discovered.
The first few crowd shots are pretty standard fare. Fans clapping, old men high-fiving...nothing out of the ordinary here. But if you look real closely and don't blink at the wrong time, you'll notice that after Verlander gets the 2nd out of the ninth, a cameraman does seem to focus in on one woman in particular. See for yourself:
Wow. I mean, just...wow. I didn't even know Comerica had bedroom suites- these modern ballparks sure are something. I can't even show you what happens after Verlander gets the 3rd out. That footage depicts individual acts of perversion so profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.
Someone should just cut Reanen (Ms. Maxwell, if you're nasty) a check right now.
March is right around the corner and this is usually the time of year that serious contenders for the NCAA championship start playing their best basketball in preparation for the tournament. However more than anything, this past week has exposed flaws in all of this year's favorites to win the title. Fortunately for these teams, recent history- as illustrated by Florida the last two seasons- has shown that losses in late February can be overcome. Nonetheless, if these hopeful champions want to realize their dreams, they all have something to work on over the next few weeks.
A few observations from the day in hoops:
I've never seen a John Calipari practice, but I can only assume he runs it like one long pickup game. That's the only way I can explain that Memphis' entire offensive scheme seems to be "whoever has the ball- try to take your guy off the dribble." Granted, their guards are quick enough that it's not the worst strategy; but once they encounter a team that plays good interior help defense, they're in trouble. The other problem with playing like it's a pickup game is that there aren't any free throws on the playground, and it looks like the Tigers don't want to shoot any in regular games either. Memphis is still in line to get a #1 seed, but if I were a fan of any of the teams ranked #5-8 right now, I'd really be hoping my team was given the #2 seed in the Tigers bracket.
UCLA managed to rally to win today, but they have some red flags of their own on offense. Namely, their outside shooting has completely abandoned them. Josh Shipp is now in an 0 for 20 slump from beyond the arc and looks very hesitant with the ball in his hands. Combine that with what have been some very stagnant offensive sets (From the first team, at least. Lorenzo Mata-Real has actually provided a lot of energy and motion for the team recently) and you've got a team that struggles to score in the halfcourt game. Fortunately for the Bruins, they force a lot of turnovers to get points in transition and Kevin Love is able to sell contact to get to the free throw line. Still, if they want to return to the Final Four, somebody (ideally Shipp, but otherwise Westbrook) is going to have to become a viable threat from outside.
Speaking of Love, he looked very lethargic throughout the game today. Actually, he looked downright sleepy. I don't know if he was out at a karaoke bar with Maarty Leunen all night or what, but he certainly wasn't in any condition to be on a basketball court. At one point in the first half, he took a hit under the basket and stayed on the floor for an extended period of time. I don't think he was hurt either. I'm pretty sure he was taking a nap.
The Pac-10 has been spending the last month trumpeting themselves as the best conference in the country, but I want to dispel that myth right now. For one, Washington State, Arizona State, and Oregon are all playing a worse brand of basketball now than they were a month ago. But more importantly, you can't be the best conference in basketball if you have the worst officiating in basketball; and this season, the zebras have established a new low. Trying to figure out how a Pac-10 official is going to call any given play is like trying to guess where the Plinko chip is going to land in Price is Right.
With all of the coaches, players, and fans yelling at you for every perceived mistake, I never understood why anyone would want to be a referee- unless maybe you hated basketball players growing up and this was your way to get revenge. It seems like such a thankless job. But then I learned today about one of the fringe benefits of being an official- reach arounds with nubile, young cheerleaders:
Combine that with the fact that you can be utterly incompetent and still never get fired, and maybe it's not that bad of a gig afterall...
Wendy Nix was working the sidelines for ESPN during the Indiana mutiny at Northwestern, which I think is a good assignment for her, as she is "Midwestern hot." I can't really figure her look out. She's either a former big girl who lost a lot of weight or she's a former skinny girl who's now on the precipice of getting big- kind of like a one-time beauty pageant contestant when she becomes a housewife...
As for the Hoosiers, it looks like it is not only his players but also his coaches who are distraught about Kelvin Sampson's dismissal. At this point, it's hard to imagine Indiana being able to put it together and make a deep run into the tournament. I think their only hope might be if Kelvin Sampson puts on a disguise and coaches from the stands, a la Bobby Valentine for the Mets back in the day.
I didn't see the Kansas/Oklahoma State game, but just judging by the box score, it looks like the only reason Kansas lost is because they let a 5'11" guard go to the line 18 times. I'm not sure how that happens, but in a season that features guards such as Derrick Rose, Eric Gordon, Darren Collison, Jerryd Bayless, Russell Westbrook, and DJ Augustin, there are plenty of reasons for Jayhawks fans to be nervous about another early exit in March.
So now Tennessee is the new number one team in the land. It's a ranking they've certainly earned by winning at Memphis, and their victory today was even more impressive when you consider that Volunteers coach Bruce Pearl was more focused on penetrating Erin Andrews' defense than that of Memphis. I know Tennessee is known for their hound dogs, but let's take it down a notch, ok Bruce? You're coming off greasier than that bronzing cream you rub on your body before each game. Here's a snippet from one of their encounters today. Check out the Berman eyes he gives her:
I do kind of like the role reversal tho. Usually it's the ESPN personalities who are drooling over the coaches. Maybe it's time for coaches to return the favor.
Just don't pull that stunt with Erin Andrews while Brent Musburger is calling the game or he'll whoop your ass.
I've got to hand it to NBA analysts- it seems like every game, I learn something new from them. Hubie Brown breaks down the Xs and Os of the game. Bill Walton teaches the viewer about world history and ancient civilizations. Tonight (after rewinding a few times to confirm that I actually heard what I thought I heard), I discovered during the 3-point contest that Reggie Miller's expertise is in dissecting the anatomy of the basketball court:
I've played a few pickup games in my life, and I'm pretty sure that this isn't really a term used on the playground- so where did Reggie learn it? My guess is that when Reggie Miller was younger, it was his sister Cheryl that taught him how to shoot three pointers. At the time, a young Reggie wasn't yet strong enough to release the ball from over his head, and so Cheryl instructed him to "shoot from the titty," and they just happened to be standing down by the baseline at the time.
But if Reggie's right, then I assume that it would follow that: getting trapped in the corner would be known as "squeezing the titty;" missing a potential game-winning shot from that spot would be "tough titties;" and of course a shot from the baseline which rattles around before going in must be known simply as a "motorboat."
