Friday, March 31, 2006

Friday Matinee

Random musing that I wasn't going to publish because it seemed like bad karma. But then my poker play last night revealed that I have no premonitory skills whatsoever; so here it goes.

UCLA legend John Wooden was born and raised in Indiana where he had a hall of fame playing career at Purdue before becoming a head coach. There is some talk that the 96 year old Wooden, who doesn't travel much these days, was going to return to his old hometown for the Final Four, which is being played at the RCA dome. I don't know what Wooden opted to do, but if life were a movie, it would play out like this.

In the days before the games, he revisits some of his old gyms and tells the current Bruins about some of the great moments in his life, both as a kid and at UCLA; and how this team now has a chance to make its own great memories. Saturday night, with Wooden in the stands, UCLA beats LSU in a hard fought game, after which, Coach Wooden suddenly falls ill and is hospitalized. The team visits Wooden in the ICU, where he emplores the players to get back to coach Howland to study game film because, "Failure to prepare is preparation to fail." Monday morning, the team learns that John Wooden has died. Then in the Finals, the Bruins are down one point with time running out. Jordan Farmer looks into the stands and sees the spirit of the Wizard of Westwood saying, "Be quick, but don't hurry." Farmar then runs the UCLA cut off the high post and the Bruins win at the buzzer. Farmar looks back to the stands and the apparition disappears just as he's mobbed by his teammates.

Luckily, this isn't a movie; but just to be safe, maybe Wooden should stay in LA this weekend.

Oh, and Touchstone should hire my ass. I've also got some great ideas for Juwanna Man 2...

Thursday, March 30, 2006

This Just In: Anna Benson is a Whore

Anna Benson has filed for divorce, saying that her marriage to Kris Benson is "irretrievably broken," which is whorespeak for "he's of no use to me in Baltimore." Just for review, here's the Anna Benson timeline:

Mid 1990's: Anna Benson is dancing on a pole somewhere.

1999-2004: Anna lives a wealthy, albeit anonymous life married to Pittsburgh Pirate pitcher, Kris Benson.

2005: Kris Benson signs with the New York Mets.

2005: Anna Benson appears on the Howard Stern show and makes a name for herself by discussing the Benson's sex life and announcing that if Kris were to cheat on her, she'd do every member of the Mets organization, all the way down to the groundskeeper.

Jan 22, 2006: Kris Benson is traded to Baltimore. Anna speaks more at the press conference than Kris.

March 2006: Anna Benson appears on the cover of FHM and has a featured, pseudo-topless photoset.

March 30, 2006. Anna believes she's a legitimate model and that moving to Baltimore would ruin her new career. Having sucked everything out of her husband Kris, she files for divorce.

User. Prostitute. Bitch. Whore. Take your pick, they all fit nicely. Hopefully, Kris will move on to someone better before Anna tries to crawl back to him after realizing that she was just a flavor of the month, and the only way she can be in the public eye is by appearing in a gang bang video with a bunch of dudes dressed in Mets uniforms.

Bob Huggins: Family Man

When Kansas State hired Bob Huggins to be their basketball coach, the athletic director did so because he thought Huggins could help build a legitimate basketball progam on campus. However it looks like Huggins is capable of much more than that. He appears to be on his way to buying a contending basketball team for the Wildcats.

Gregg Doyel reports on that Huggins first move as head coach was to hire Charlotte assistant coach Delonte Hill onto the Kansas State staff. On the surface, it may seem like an unusual move to hire an assistant coach from a program that hasn't been all that successful in recent years. The picture becomes clearer however once you realize that Delonte Hill is close friends with prized recruit Michael Beasley (who Doyel compares to Carmelo Anthony), a top five small forward who was going to be Charlotte's biggest recruit in coach Bobby Lutz' career. Now it is expected that Beasley will get out of his committment to Charlotte and follow Hill to Kansas State. Coach Lutz of Charlotte, by the way, was one of the few people to stick up for Bobby Huggins after he was fired by Cincinnati. But maybe Huggins was too drunk to remember that.

According to the story, Huggins intends to further build his program by hiring as his director of basketball operations Dwaine Barnes, the AAU director and legal guardian of two top high school recruits: point guard O.J. Mayo and shooting guard Bill Walker. Doyel compares Mayo to Jason Kidd and Walker to Vince Carter. I'm sure some of that is hyperbole, but with a few slick moves Kansas State could in two years start a lineup that features young versions of Carmelo Anthony, Jason Kidd, and Vince Carter! That's a team that could beat damn near anyone (except maybe the Argentinian national team).

Maybe I'm being naive and this sort of thing happens throughout the college landscape, but I've just been unaware of it. Maybe Tyler Hansbrough's dad is the Dean of Exercise and Sport Science at UNC and JJ Redick's dad is the events coordinator for the Duke Lacrosse team. I just don't know. Either way, it seems like big time coaches have found a big time loophole in the NCAA policy against giving financial assistance to athlete-students.

Whether Bob Huggins is the only practitioner of this technique or just the most recent one, I'm hoping that over the upcoming seasons, he stumbles his way to a DUI on the Road to the Final Four.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Q&A With Noone In Particluar

I haven't done any writing in the past few days. I also haven't had anything to drink in the past few days. A correlation? Hmm..I think I'll have to file that away in the part of my brain where I keep the other things I try not to think too hard about- like the number of hours I've been logging at the poker tables, the fact that I actually laughed while watching a rerun of "Yes, Dear" last night, or my man-crush on Jake Peavy.

Some other questions that shouldn't be asked:

If you were a 16 year old girl, what would be the worse fate- that your multimillionaire father wishes you were never born and has no contact with you other than a birthday card, or that you bear a "striking resemblance" to your father, Randy Johnson? (Seriously, 6 foot 1 and a mullett?! Damn genetics can be a heartless bitch.)

What did Trey Wingo do wrong at ESPN to get assigned to the girls' basketball tournament studio coverage? Did he cut in front of Chris Berman at the ESPN buffet? Did he inadvertantly imply after another ill-advised pass that maybe Brett Favre isn't "everything that's right about the game?" Or did the execs at ESPN just conclude that an anchor that's able to maintain a conversation with Sean Salisbury without strangling him and calling him a complete imbecile would be the only person qualified to feign enthusiasm while watching non-stop coverage of below the rim action?

With that non-stop coverage of the girls' action on ESPN brainwashing you, how many female college basketball players can you name? For me, it's one and a half. I know that the chick who electrified a nation by grabbing the rim after laying a miniature basketball through a hoop is named Candace Parker. I also know that Bubba Paris' daughter plays ball, tho I don't know her first name. There's also "that chick for North Carolina who flexes her arms despite having no biceps," but I don't think that should count for anything.

Let's say women's basketball somehow takes off and is embraced by mainstream sports fans. This is shortly followed by gamblers taking a strong interest in the game. With all of the "inside information" that sports bettors search for in making their picks, would there then come a time when newspapers and websites publish WNBA injury reports that include the menstrual cycles of each team's players? Would Hank Goldberg issue reports like, "The Seattle Storm are 2-8 when Sue Bird is flowing heavy?"

Will Brett Favre decide if he's going to play next season before the actual season starts? Are the Packers starting their workouts by throwing two quick picks and being down 14-0 to simulate his presence? If Brett Favre were at McDonald's and was asked by the cashier if he'd "like fries with that," would he starve before making his decision? Will the expression "sh*t or get off the pot" be replaced by "stop Favring around?"

Which will be the first team to appear in The Smoking Gun now that Hooters Air has announced that they will serve as a private charter for sports teams? Odds on favorites are the Atlanta Braves, since Chipper Jones has already once fathered one illegitmate child with his Hooters waitress mistress. However I wouldn't count out Ron Mexico's Falcons or Jon Gruden's Bucs.

Do I still have time to make it to happy hour at my friendly neighborhood Hooters?

Only one way to find out...

Monday, March 27, 2006

Stock Ticker

What the NFL combine is to the NFL draft, the NCAA tournament is to the NBA draft (for American players at least.) With the Final Four set, I thought I'd take a look at which players elevated their draft stock and which ones did the most damage to their immediate earning potential.

Stock Rising:

1. Tyrus Thomas, LSU. The freshman power forward was probably a lottery pick already, but with the athleticism he put on display the last few weeks, the "Rudy Gay sweepstakes" have turned into the Tyus Thomas sweepstakes.

2. Joakim Noah, Florida. At the beginning of the season, people were complaining that LaMarcus Aldridge was the only big man worth drafting high. Now with the emergence of Thomas, Noah, and O'Bryant (and the possibility that McRoberts, Hansbrough, Glen Davis, and Hibbert could go pro) there's suddenly some actual depth at this position. Noah's best attribute is effort. Given that 75% of NBA players don't give a damn on any given day, that gives Noah a huge edge.

3. Patrick O'Bryant, Bradley. The best true center in the tournament, O'Bryant has a great combination of size, agility, and Jay Bilas' pet attribute, length. He's only a sophomore, and there's still room for him to put some weight on his frame and get bigger. Worst case scenario, I think he develops into another Channing Frye. Best case, Brad Daugherty or maybe even Tim Duncan (no pressure).

4. Marcus Williams, UConn. While for the majority of the tournament, it looked like UConn was on cruise control, Williams was the only player to show focus in every game. He has a great feel for running an offense. He does turn the ball over a little too much, but he appears to be improving in that area. He could be a good fit to a team that already has a big time scoring guard, such as the Cavs or Lakers.

5. Ryan Hollins, UCLA. Three weeks ago, Hollins was going to have to do what most History majors do and get a job at Blockbuster this summer. Now, he's looking at being drafted in the 2nd round and possibly having a Jelani McCoy-like NBA career.

Stock falling:

1. Paul Davis, Michigan State. A month ago, he looked like a lottery pick. But with his poor performance in the Spartans' first round loss to George Mason combined with the emergence of players like Thomas, Noah, O'Bryant, "Big Baby" Davis, Hilton Armstrong, and even Josh McRoberts, Davis may have played his way out of the guaranteed contracts of the first round.

2. J.J. Redick, Duke. Redick is still one of the two best pure shooters available in the draft, but his slump over the last month pushed him out of the top 10. The LSU game showed that he has trouble dealing with contact, and doesn't sell the foul call well when he is touched. On the defensive end, he's adequate but not stellar. I think NBA teams are realizing he might be more of a specialist, similar to Damon Jones.

3. Marco Killingsworth, Indiana. I just can't figure this guy out. He looks to me like he could be an absolutely dominant player in the mold of a Charles Barkley. But instead, he just refuses to put two solid games together. I have no idea why this is. In retrospect, he would have been a perfect fit for UConn.

4. Rudy Gay, UConn. As Bill Rafferty would say, this one is a nickel-dimer, since Gay is still assured of going in the top five. But just a few weeks ago, he was the consensus #1 player available. I guess acting like a basketball court is the most boring place on the planet will damage your draft stock. But this is the NBA, so it won't hurt him that badly.

5. Rajon Rondo, Kentucky. Anytime Patrick Sparks overshadows you, you've got problems.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

In the Eye of the Beholder

In honor of yesterday's hoops, this post will be hopelessley scattered, lacking any sense of rhythm or flow...

The last time Memphis and UCLA met in a significant tournament game, Bill Walton went 21 for 22 from the field. Yesterday in Oakland, UCLA had 14 field goals total as a team.

The record low 95 points in the UCLA vs Memphis game has overshadowed the offensive ineptitude displayed for 40 minutes in the LSU/Texas game. If Texas' Paulino hadn't hit that three point shot to send the game into overtime, LSU and Texas would have ended with a 52-49 final score- which for two hours would have made it the lowest scoring regional final since the advent of the shot clock era.

Early prediction for the LSU/UCLA game: Arron Afflalo hits a free throw to put the Bruins ahead by one with 8:30 remaining in the game. Neither team scores for the rest of the contest, and UCLA advances to the championship by a final score of 17-16.

Karma? Earlier this year, LSU fans and UCLA fans were united in their petty efforts to set the record straight regarding USC's OnePeat in football. Now, one of these two schools will be playing for a basketball championship banner.

When asked during the press conference to hold up the trophy for winning the Regional finals, UCLA's Jordan Farmar refused. "At UCLA, no other banners but national championships go up. We haven't really done anything in the eyes of UCLA and UCLA fans."

In less than a five-minute span, LSU's Glen "Big Baby" Davis went from cussing out the Texas fans (m*thaf*ckas! m*thaf*ckas!), to telling the world he had tapeworms, and thanking God for making it all possible.

As much as JJ Redick and Adam Morrison likely had their stock fall in the eyes of NBA GMs, LSU's Tyrus Thomas looks to me to have solidified a spot in the top 5 of this June's draft.

Spotted on a UCLA blog:

Dear Mr. Hollins:

I officially apologize for every negative thing I ever thought or said about you. I was wrong, and I hope you can find it in your enormously wonderful heart to forgive me. I can be a better person, just give me a second chance.



Checking travel sites, it's looking damn near impossible to get out to Indy for the Final Four. My only consolation is the knowledge that Peyton Manning is Indianapolis' personal greeter.

By the way, if Peyton Manning and Danica Patrick were to have a child, it would grow up to be just like Sasha Cohen, who fell apart once again in her final performance.

Unable to book a flight, I've considered driving my Chevy down to Indianapolis. But seeing as how Coach K is their spokesman, I'm more than a little concerned that the car would breakdown before it even got halfway there.

The second half of the Final Four will be set in a few hours. If it's half as exciting as yesterday's games...well, it might be time to flip over to the Players Championship and hope for a few golf balls to fly into a pond for some excitement.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Groundhog Day in State of Washington

Just wondering, do the sports writers for the Seattle Times take their articles from Thursday's game and just change all the Gonzaga references to Washington?

-Team dominates for virtually entire game.
-Team makes bonehead play at end of regulation.
-Team loses in heartbreaking fashion.
-Star player shows emotionally maturity of a twelve year-old and bawls at midcourt.

No wait, that last one still only belongs to Gonzaga.

Friday, March 24, 2006


UConn/Wash game over...I'm stunned....can't write in complete sentences...Why, Mike Jensen, why??...Why, Appleby, why??...Double technical + non-goaltending call-why, refs, why??...Uconn: 45 FTAs, Wash: 24...Give credit to Rashad Anderson's onions...Rip Hamilton's ghost was in the building...Big Picture, I hope you're not near any sharp objects or firearms...

Brutal...absolutely brutal. Maybe Mike Jensen (who was briefly shown bawling on the bench) can meet up with Adam Morrison at a bar in the cascades and work on their own version of Chokeback Mountain.

Dammit, I broke my promise to myself not to make a tired Brokeback joke. Sorry, I'm not thinking straight...

Double Down

Since I've been unable to broker a deal with GoDaddy or Suzuki to show their commercials on a repeated loop, I'm forced to earn money the old-fashioned way: by gambling. Last night's 3-1 performance was a nice start (not to mention a welcome change from my losing ways). Let's keep the momentum going:

George Mason vs Wichita State OVER 125.5. I think this number is way off. These two teams met in February and the score was 70-67. If anything the offenses have improved as the tournament has gone along. Wichita scored 86 against Seton Hall and 80 against Tennessee. I don't think it's unrealistic to expect a score in the 70's for each team, beating the point total by 20 points.

Georgetown +3 vs Florida. Roy Hibbert vs Joakim Noah isn't exactly Ralph Sampson vs Patrick Ewing, but it's as close as college basketball gets these days. Damn, that's sad. Let's all try not to think about that. Anyway, I think Hibbert and Noah should cancel each other out and the game will come down to guard play, where Georgetown has a slight edge. It should be noted, that I've been on G'Town's jock all season long, so it's possible I'm overrating them, but I still think the Final Four is within their grasp.

Villanova -2.5 vs Boston College. Only because I know that I'm destined to be haunted by images and commentary of Allen Ray's eye for the next few weeks.

Washington +6 vs UConn. UConn will win this game, but Washington scores enough points to keep it respectable.

Betting windows close soon...I better get these in.

Zag Nuts

I'm still not really sure what happened. One minute, I'm drinking heavily to drown the sorrows of one of UCLA's worst performances of the season, the next minute, I'm drinking heavily in celebration of one of UCLA's most furious comebacks in recent memory. Actually, 'furious' isn't the best word to describe the comeback, as aside from the final steal and basket, it was more of a methodical effort- an 11-0 run over 3:27- which is how the Bruins have played all season. Luc Richard Mbah a Moute and Ryan Hollins can share the game ball on this one for continuing to hustle throughout the game, regardless of the score. While the frustration was clearly setting in on Jordan Farmar and Arron Afflalo, Hollins and Mbah a Moute never took a play off. Their defensive rebounding and harassment of JP Batista was key in putting the "zero" in their 11-0 run. After scoring the go ahead layup with a few ticks remaining on the clock, it was Mbah a Moute who sprinted back upcourt while some Bruins were celebrating (and Adam Morrison was weeping) and dove for the ball, stealing it from Derek Raivio with 2.6 seconds left. The result was complete pandemonium amongst a crowd and CBS announcer's booth which had been furiously cheering for a UCLA rally in the final five minutes of the game.

Unfortunately, none of it really matters as the NCAA has decided to cancel the remainder of the tournament on account of North Carolina and Duke both being eliminated from competition. Once again, JJ Redick peformed terribly in Duke's final game of the season, although I'll give him a little bit of a pass on this one. The officials in the LSU-Duke game decided to allow a lot of contact along the perimeter and focus more on the contact in the paint. Once LSU defenders realized that as long as JJ didn't have the ball, they could grab Redick- a prototypical rhythm shooter who doesn't deal well with contact- it was pretty much over for the Blue Devils.

Lost in the shuffle of all of this was the amazing finish in the Texas/West Virginia game. Huge clutch shot by Pittsnogle to tie it, followed by Kenton Paulino getting a shot off at the buzzer to win it for the Longhorns. Absolutely phenomenal. I'm sure people throughout Texas were in a frenzy...and then promptly arrested.

I'm sure more happpened yesterday, but it's still a blur. Time to mix up some Pepto-Bismol, Aunt Jemima mix, Tang, and a little flat Tab.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Billy Packer Gold Sheet Picks

In what can only be a sign of a much bigger problem, I'm wagering on tonight's action to try to come up with some scratch to roll out to Vegas for the weekend. Let's not examine this any further and instead just go straight to the picks.

Memphis -6 vs Bradley. In the special unrated DVD of Cinderella, the story ends with Cinderella being bent over a counter and pounded for hours. Sometimes art imitates life.
Note to self: Remove name from Vivid's mailing list.

Gonzaga +4 vs UCLA. I'll give some actual basketball anaylsis on this one. UCLA's winning streak coincided with Ryan Hollins realizing that he's almost 7 feet tall and should play basketball like a big man. He's turned into a viable threat on offense and a decent intimidator on defense. Most importantly, he's been able to stay out of foul trouble. That's going to come to an end tonight when he has to guard J.P. Batista. I predict that Hollins will get a couple fouls early while trying to send a message that he won't be intimidated and will end up riding the pine for most of the game. With Hollins out, the Bruins will be forced to double down low, and that's going to open things up for Adam Morrison. Even if UCLA has enough to win, I think this game will come down to the final possession.

Duke -5.5 vs LSU. Duke by double digits in this one. Sorry Bayou Bengals, I wish I had better news for ya, but Duke and Texas are destined for a rematch. Which means I should go ahead and pick...

Texas ML -230 vs West Virginia. I don't know which Longhorns team will show up, but either one is good enough to win. The focused team will win by 14. The overconfident team that goes through the motions will win by 3.

Tonight would be a great time to snap my losing streak. There are overpriced drinks and underdressed waitresses at the Hard Rock on the line here...

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

What You See is What You Get

Next week, the NFL rules committee will meet in Orlando, Florida to discuss possible rules changes for the upcoming season. According to the AP story, the committee will be looking at player safety, false starts, and this gem:

The committee also is considering recommending to officials that they make sure there was holding on a play before throwing a flag.
"We want to make sure they actually see the foul," McKay said.

Gee, ya think? You mean actually seeing the foul hasn't been a requirement for throwing a flag in the past? I would have thought that would be something cover in the first few weeks of training. Maybe somewhere between learning to operate the Tivo on the instant replaymachine and Ed Hochuli's weight training sessions, they could have mentioned to someone that, ya know what, how about we only call things if we see them? Fortunately, it looks like the NFL has finally got a handle on that little detail this year. I'm sure that brings much relief to Seahawks' fans everywhere.

In other possible rules changes, the NFL is looking into expanding the horse collar rule to include any tackle from behind in which the defender grabs inside the jersey. If that doesn't work, they may just resort to playing flag football with the wide receivers.

Also to prevent injury, there will be an advisory against defenders hitting a quarterback in the legs. This leaves a 2 inch by 3 inch square just below the ribs but above the pelvis that defenders are allowed to contact on a QB.

Finally, the committee will also include the Chiefs annual proposal that they be allowed to participate in the playoffs regardless of how they choke down the stretch.

I wish I'd Written This

One blogger has looked into the future and seen how the T.O. saga will unfold this season.

Read. Laugh. Repeat.

Makin' That Cheddar

A few mindless musings while T.O. makes me say "Wow, boy..."

A few days ago, the #1 kicker on the Indianapolis Colts' depth chart was Jose Cortez. Today it's Adam Vinatieri. I don't think anyone has upgraded this dramatically since Kevin Federline went from fluffing the assistant manager at White Castle for some sliders to getting Britney Spears to say "I do" before sobering up. Now we'll just have to wait and see if the Colts can pull the K-Fed equivalent of turning Britney into trailer trash. Maybe after a few weeks of hanging out with Peyton Manning, Vinatieri will start getting leg tremors in the 4th quarter and shanking field goals 20 yards wide right. PopoZao...

Ever have a really bad break up with your girlfriend and then later that night you head out to a bar, get totally wasted and take the first willing body with a pulse back to your place? Then you wake up the next morning and your head is killing you, your dick is burning, and the troll you brought home has vomited all over your room? If so, then I'm sure you can understand why the Seattle Seahawks just gave Julian Peterson $18.5 million in guaranteed money...

When Drew Rosenhaus announced in the Owens' press conference that the scene on Jerry Jones' private jet was "moving" and that "the love affair has already begun," did anyone else picture Jerry Jones in the very special role of Gordon Jump's chararcter, Mr. Carlson, and T.O. in the role of Arnold Jackson, drinking wine and flexing for shirtless photos for Jerry's camera? Anyone?? Anyone at all???

From the same press conference, in response to questions about his behavior with the Eagles, Owens said, "I'm going to put those things behind me." The next day, Owens announced that he would be releasing a book...which detailed his behavior with the Eagles. Ah, he's a changed man already...

The Cowboys released future Hall of Famer, Larry Allen, the last remaining player from the Cowboys' Super Bowl teams. Jerry Jones said that despite the release, the door is open for him to return to the team. Another member of that Super Bowl offensive line, Nate Newton, also gave Allen assurances that if things didn't work out with the Cowboys, he knew of a way that Allen could still bring in some extra cash- tho he'd have to provide his own van...

John Abraham got his wish when the Jets, Falcons, and Broncos hooked up for a 3-way that ended with Abraham becoming a member of the Atlanta Falcons and getting a new 6 yr, $45 mil contract. This move shows that if a player pouts, throws a tantrum, or otherwise exploits loopholes in contracts, he can can pretty much force a team to do whatever he wants them to do. Of course, I guess if there was any doubt, he only needed to look at the way things worked out for Terrell Owens. Or Steve Hutchinson. Or Daunte Culpepper. Or soon for Eric Moulds.

Now I understand why Paul Tagliabue wants to retire...

Monday, March 20, 2006

The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste

A few things I learned while watching basketball over the weekend...

The Big 10 is still a football conference. After Georgetown took apart Ohio State, the Big 10 found itself without a team in the Sweet 16. So much for being the second best conference in the country. But hey, at least they still have Purdue alive in the girls' tournament, which if you believe ESPN, is just as significant as the men's version of March Madness. Which brings me to lesson #2.

ESPN is even more shameless than Fox. I understand that ESPN has all of the television rights to the girls' tournament, and so there is the need for some self-promotion. But the amount of coverage that ESPN is giving the ladies on Sportscenter and other ESPN shows is radically disproportionate to the actual interest level in their tournament. At least when Fox did all of their promos of "House" during the World Series, there was a chance that people (and by people, I mean Peter King) would actually watch it at some point.

Old habits die hard. During the first five minutes of the UCLA/Alabama game, Jay Bilas described both Luc Mbah a Moute and Ryan Hollins as "long." As anyone who watched last year's NBA draft knows, there is no attribute that Bilas admires more than 'length.' It probably all goes back to his days in the Duke locker room.

Jay Bilas has a vagina. During one of Saturday's games he revealed that he "watched The New Adventures of Old Christine and it's really good." Now it's beginning to make sense why he's so impressed with length.

RC Cola is only drinkable with the addition of Sailor Jerry Rum. That's just a survival tip I thought I'd share.

The NBA hasn't taken all of the real centers out of the college game. At least, not while Roy Hibbert is still playing NCAA basketball. Hibbert was a dominant force (20 points, 14 rebounds, 3 blocks) in Georgetown's victory over Ohio State. The Buckeyes had no answer for him at all. He's just one of the reasons why I think Georgetown is the most enjoyable team to watch in the college game today (and this is coming from a former G'Town hater). I think Hibbert could use one more year of development in college, but I'm sure there will be plenty of agents calling him and begging him to make the leap to the NBA once the Hoyas end their run. Buckeye fans can at least be hopeful that next year, they will have their own dominating force when Greg Oden takes his one year NBA detour through Columbus, Ohio.

Redemption is oh so sweet. Early in the Pac-10 season, Washington guard Justin Dentmon was the team goat when he fouled Chris Hernandez on a 3 pt shot at the end of a game that led to a devastating loss for the Huskies. Saturday, Dentmon had a huge 4 point play that, along with some favorable officiating, keyed Washington to its come from behind victory over Illinois.

Billy Packer thinks he's the Fonz. One of the more entertaining subplots was listening to Jim Nantz goad Packer by frequently reminding him of the success that the mid-majors (Wichita St, George Mason, Bradley) were having in the very same tournament that Packer vehemently protested their being admitted to in the first place. The first three or four times, Packer just sat in silence, refusing to admit that he was wrrrrrrrrrong. Finally Packer capitulated with something along the lines of "sometimes mistaken, never in doubt." Jim Nantz then eased up and blamed the media for making a big deal out of Packer's complaints with the selection committee. As ass-backwards as that comment was, I guess he was right in a way. If Billy Packer weren't a member of the media, then those comments wouldn't have been so highly publicized. Ahhh...allow me a moment to dream of a Packer-free basketball world.

Dick Enberg is not an R. Kelly fan. In describing his displeasure with the officials' whimiscal calling of fouls, Enberg announced that, "They're letting them bump n' grind in this one."

Vision is not a prerequisite to becoming a college ref. Exhibit A- Dick Libby. He is the official that was standing right next to Pitt's Carl Krauser as he threw a punch into the midsection of a Bradley player. As anyone who watches a lot of Pac-10 basketball can tell you, Dick Libby is the NCAA equivalent of Violet Palmer- you never have any idea what he is or isn't going to call at any given time.

The SAT's will not prepare you for the college game. According to studio analysts, one of the key attributes for any successful tournament team is "bouncebackability."

UConn can barely beat a pick up team. The Huskies narrowly advanced to the sweet 16 despite playing a team that looked like a bunch of guys that Tubby Smith just grabbed off of a local playground. Kentucky's Patrick Sparks was doing his best Billy Hoyle impression, draining threes while wearing an oversized tshirt beneath his jersey. I wonder if his trash talk consisted of "I may be a chump. I just said that wasn't my name."

We need more original names for mascots. This tournament has featured the Bruins vs the Bruins, the Wildcats vs the Wildcats, and the Huskies vs the Huskies. Hopefully with those filthy Shockers advancing to the sweet 16, this will promote some more creative naming of mascots. In the future, perhaps we'll be treated to a late night matchup between the Bullwinkles and the Brunskis.

You need both hands on the keyboard to make a love connection. One of the few commercials that aired a thousand times over the weekend without completely getting on my nerves went somthing like this: "Once you've realized that masturbating on your webcam for the stranger you met on MySpace isn't the way to find your soulmate, Eharmony has all the tools you need to help you meet your perfect match in life." It's possible that I may have read between the lines a bit on this one.

This year's tournament is so entertaining, you don't need to gamble on it to make it more exciting. Ok, that one might be a lie. Look for some picks from me on Thursday, and then do what any observant gambler would do- make the exact opposite bet.

(thanks to deadspin for directing me to the pic)

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Free Throw Missus

I apologize for being a bit late with this post. I was out late last night hustling bjs in hopes of earning enough cash to buy some tickets for the sweet 16. So far, I'm still not very close to the $800 I need for a pair of decent tickets. I do at least have enough to buy a much needed five gallon jug of Listerine from Costco, so I've got that going for me. It's been a very frustrating experience. Next year, the NCAA should just cut out the middle man and put all tourney tickets directly on Ebay.

Bradley and Pitt have just tipped it off (which as my wife noted, appears on the scoreboard as "Brad Pitt"- that also qualifies as the closest thing to interest that she has expressed during the tournament) and as Bill Rafferty has told me, Bradley is playing mntomn defense to start the game. So I'll make my untimely comments from yesterday's games quick...

I can't remember if I've ranted about this before, but in the last five minutes of a close game, I do not need CBS to dedicate all of their cameras to focusing on the coaches' wives and players' parents during any little break in the action. Before seemingly every free throw, rather than focus on any tension that the player shooting might be experiencing, I instead am treated to a middle-aged woman clasping her hands and struggling to look at the court. Then after the free throw is shot, there's another immediate cut to the wife/mom's reaction to the outcome. I wouldn't mind it so much if this was an occasional ploy, but instead, it becomes the focus of the remainder of the game. Can't we actually spend a little bit of time watching what's actually happening on the court? And if the networks do want to show peripheral reaction shots, then how about showing the cheerleaders doing their little flippity flips after the made shot? Is that really so much to ask?? Nevertheless, congrats to Ben Howland's wife and Lorenzo Romar's wife on cheering for the winning team in a couple of close (and atrociously officiated) games that will now send you travelling to Oakland and Washington D.C. for Sweet 16 games.

I'll update the rest of the action later tonight. I'm sure you can't wait...

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Don't Call It a Comeback

Note: if reading about poker bores you, save your time and skip this entry...

I spent another wild Friday night playing some Full Tilt Poker, and once again it was profitable. I played the 9 PM pst No Limit Hold 'Em tourney, which had 178 entrants. The top 18 places paid, but with 35 players left, I took a beat and found myself down to my last 480 chips with blinds at 100/200. In other words, I was screwed. So, just looking to pick a spot to take a shot, I went all-in with A4o from the cutoff. The big blind called me and turned over K4. My ace high held up and I doubled my chips, but I still only had about 5 times the big blind. Two hands later, I was holding AQs and went all-in again and was called by a player holding 66. The flop came A Q A, making it a stress-free race to yet another double up. A few hands later, I was in the big blind (blinds were up to 150/300 with a 25 ante) and was dealt 10Jo. There was one raiser, but he only doubled the blind. The button then called, and I called as well. The flop then came A K Q rainbow. Jackpot. I wasn't able to get a triple up out of it, but I did get a very nice boost to my chip total. One round later, I called an all-in holding QQ vs my opponent's JJ for a near double-up. Immediately after that, I had 10J again in the big blind and was able to take out AQ after a J high flop hit the board.

So in the span of about 15 minutes, I went from being on my death bed, to suddenly finding myself with around 15,000 chips, which was enough to actually make some moves on pots from time to time. I was able to manage those chips fairly well, and for the 2nd multi-table tournament in a row, I found myself at the final table. The party finally ended when I had AKo in late position. A player in early position with around 30,000 chips raised triple the blind (6000 total), and I reraised all-in (~18,000) hoping to take the pot right there. The original raiser called and showed a pair of eights. When the board was dealt with no card higher than a 10, my journey was over. I finished in 6th place, which paid enough to be my worth my time.

Now I just need a few more final table finishes, and maybe, just maybe I'll be able to get the deed back to my house.

Will Blog for Food

I'm writing this update from the lower east side homeless shelter, as sadly, I lost my house betting on Michigan State earlier today (seriously how did the Spartans get outrebounded 38-23?). On the bright side, this shelter has Wi-Fi access and a tv, so really my quality of life hasn't changed all that much.

As for the rest of the day in hoops...

Would all of the historic college basketball teams that barely survived first round upsets please step forward? Ah-Ah-Ah...Not so fast, Kansas. For the second year in a row, the Jayhawks were eliminated in their first game of the tournament. Last year it was by Bucknell, and this year Bradley had the honors. If in 2007, Kansas finds out that they're being paired up against Belmont or Butler, they might want to consider staying home...

Bradley, Bucknell, and Northwestern State all had big wins over Kansas, Arkansas, and Iowa respectively that will make their home state fans proud. Unfortunately until today, I had no clue where their home states were. It turns out that the Bradley Braves hail from Peoria, Illinois, the Bucknell Bison are from Lewisburg, Pennsylvania, and the Northwestern State Demons are from Natchitoches, Louisiana. I've never heard of Natchitoches, but I'm going to venture a guess that it's somewhere in the Northwest portion of the state. Iowa coach Steve Alford was so devastated by his team's early exit that he immediately climbed into his car and went for a long drive- right on down to Indiana where he made himself available for the Hoosiers' new job. It can't be a good sign when the coach that is being run out of town advances further in the tournament than the coach that's replacing him. Although I suppose anything is better than giving the reigns to Isaiah Thomas...

In another upset on Friday, Oral Roberts University actually has cheerleaders. Santa Maria, it's a miracle! I don't know if the cheer squad has its own nickname, but if not, I'd like to offer up The Little Oral Annies. It's my gift to you...nay, to the world...

I found myself on the road for part of the day where I was listening to some of the games on the radio. If any of the Westwood One radio announcers are reading this, could you please help me out and actually identify the teams that have the ball after shots? I know my fair share of college basketball, but not enough to have the entire rosters of Arkansas and Bucknell memorized. So if all you say is "rebound by Brown," I have no clue if that was an offensive or defensive rebound. So while I'm trying to visualize the game, I have to simultaneously picture an offensive rebound with a putback potential, and a defensive rebound and outlet pass. In order to do that, I have to close my eyes, which I was told by the state trooper isn't the best way to drive...

Back to tv, can the dude showering in the Old Spice commercial finally snap and say, "Of course it's Paige I'd sleep with. Damn, she's got such a hot lil' body. Heck, I only married you so I could hang out with Paige!"

Tomorrow's action may very well go to form, but there are a few possible upsets looming. Wichita State over Tennessee and Wisconsin-Milwaukee over Florida are very possible. Of course, I wouldn't bet on it. Not that I don't think they're good bets, but because I can't find a bookie that accepts food stamps.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Burnin' Cash

I'm playing Omaha hi/low against Erik Seidel and others in a Sit n Go over at Full Tilt right now. Wish me luck...

Update: On my last hand, I had a real coin toss in a big pot that I would have won if any black card had come on the river. The river brought the Ace of diamonds, which is quite red. Oh well. I finished in 6th which pays... absolutely nothin'. So sad for me. Eric Seidel finished in 4th, which also paid nothing. So by measure of bankroll, I'm just as good as Eric Seidel!

This concludes our meeting of the Society of Eternal Optomists...

Another Day of Action

So far, I've only got one bet working today. I'm a little worried because it looks like a "lock", which is pretty much the kiss of death for me...

Michigan State -4 vs George Mason. The Spartans have been inconsistent this year, but if there's one thing Tom Izzon can do, it's prepare a team for the NCAA tournament. Last year's team made a run to the Final Four, and I think this year's team can make a similar run. Paul Davis should have a field day against George Mason, whose tallest starter is 6'-7". The Patriots will also be without their second leading scorer and ball-buster Tony Skinn, who is suspended for this game after sending his knuckles into a Hofstra player's groin. This game is also being played in Dayton, Ohio which is a relatively short drive from Flint. This looks like a blowout to me. Am I overlooking something? Only one way to find the house!

(Thanks to the MightyMJD for the screen cap)

Thursday, March 16, 2006

32 Cheerleading Squads in 12 Hours

Reactions to Day 1 of the Madness:

Why is it in college that you can find the occasional hot female athlete or a cute female science whiz, but you will never, NEVER find a hot band chick? Is there something in the metal of a flute that causes untreatable acne and random, long hairs to grow out of the face? Can't one of the hot science whizzes get a grant to research this phenomenon?

It finally happened...with every member of the media stroking Gerry McNamara's "ego" all week long, he was bound to strain his groin. Running around the court with all the intensity of Randy Moss in the 4th quarter of a blowout, McNamara was useless to his team. But I really thought that the rest of Syracuse would be able to rally around him. It's not like their head coach said something like his team couldn't win 10 bleepin' games in a season without him. Oops...

Here's how CBS announcer Kevin Harlan reacted to Tennessee's Chris Lofton's game-winning buzzer-beating shot against Winthrop: "Where did he get the courage to take that shot?" Well Kevin, I'm just spit-balling here, but I'm going to guess that the clock ticking down to zero, and everyone screaming "SHOOT" empowered him just a little bit...

If a player was dribbling in the middle of the court and suddenly grabbed the ball and fired it into the chest or face of a defender right in front of him, it's a pretty safe bet that he'd be T'd up for that move. And yet, if a player is falling out of bounds and does the exact same thing, it's smart basketball. Makes no sense to me at all; but neither does granting a timeout to a player who's flying out of bounds...

For any of the UCLA hopeful out there, Darren Collison looked a lot like a young Tyus Edney in sparking the Bruins to a 34 point victory over those other Bruins from Belmont. I'm not saying Collinson's going to lead this team to the national title, but at the very least, there might be a future for him in the Euroleague...

Smart move by Bud Selig to schedule the elimination game for the USA team on opening night of the NCAAs. Since absolutely noone was watching the United States lose to Mexico, did it ever really happen???

The pod system in the first two rounds of the tournament has been a useful way to allow schools to play a little closer to home while still splitting teams from the same conference into different regions. However I'm a little worried as to the impact this is going to have on the education of today's youths. Most high school geography teachers are just wrestling coaches who are trying to stay out of harm's way; and now we've got the NCAA convincing thousands of kids that San Diego is in close proximity to Washington D.C.. That could lead to lower test scores, which are really going to hurt kids' chances of getting into college- well, the ones who can't hit a jump shot at least...

It's going to be a long flight back to San Diego. If you ever wondered what the expression, "finding a way to lose" meant, just watch the highlights of the Aztecs matchup against Indiana. San Diego State absolutely dominated 19 minutes of the 2nd half, but that last minute was one they'd like to forget. The Aztecs turned the ball over on their last two meaningful possessions. First, while having the ball and a one point lead with only a six second differential between the shot clock and game clock, Brandon Heath dribbled the ball off his leg leading to a jump ball with Indiana having the arrow. The Hoosiers made a 3 point shot off of a broken play to take a two point lead, but there was still time on the clock for the Aztecs to run a play. The Aztecs responded by throwing the ball out of bounds on the inbounds play, and just like that, what looked like a historic victory for San Diego State basketball turned into a bitter loss. The only silver lining (other than the fact that I won my wager) is that SDSU is currently on spring break, so most of the student body is probably getting drunk on Rosarito Beach right now. And now the Aztec basketball team will be back in time to watch tomorrow's wet t-shirt contest...So I guess everyone is a winner...

Even More to Gamble On...

If you want to balance your viewing of athletic competition tonight w/ some non-athletic competition, Layne Flack, Mike Matusow and John Juanda are currently playing some 25/50 NL Hold 'Em over at Full Tilt. Juanda is currently the table captain w/ a lil over $10,000.

Meanwhile, I'm debating whether or not to sit at a $3/$6 Limit table. I have a long way to go...

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad World

I went ahead and shelled out the fifty-whatever bux to get the NCAA Madness package on DirecTv, so now I need to win the cash to pay for the purchase. Today's picks:

Syracuse +1 vs Texas A&M: As part of the NCAA package, I'm watching the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee hang with Oklahoma. Watching the Sooners play is making me question the strength of the Big 12 beyond Texas and Kansas. The Big East meanwhile was by far the deepest conference in the country this year. If Syracuse could navigate their way through the Big East tourney, they should be able to find a way to get past Texas A&M.

Indiana -1 vs San Diego State: The Aztecs were very tight in the Mountain West finals against Wyoming. Mountain West player of the year Brandon Heath was something like 8-28 from the field. There won't be any room for error against the Hoosiers. Defensively, the Aztecs will double Marco Killingsworth in the post and force Indiana to beat them from the outside. Indiana should be up to that task.

For the record, in what may be an 0 for 4 scenario, I have a Final Four prediction of Texas, UCLA, Michigan State and Georgetown.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Is Mike Tice Selling NCAA Tickets?

While I'm still excited about UCLA's prospects in that college basketball thingy I keep reading about everywhere, I'm also a bit melancholy as I've come to the realization that I may be divorced by the time this is all said and done. Checking Ebay, craigslist, stubhub, and the other usual suspects, it looks like I can expect to pay at least $700 for a pair of opening weekend tickets and another $800 for the regionals. This comes after having just returned from a spring training trip that had totals costs of around a grand and a Santa Barbara trip the weekend prior to that. But I guess that's why God killed off the dinosaurs and created credit cards. I'm hoping that the Washington Huskies don't travel well and end up with some extra tickets. Otherwise, I'm pretty much screwed for opening weekend.

I'm not the only one choosing whether to make huge sacrifices. It appears that Stephon Marbury has been sacrificing his game for the sake of the team. He says it isn't working and he needs to go back to being a scoring machine, aka "Starbury." He said this because he was upset by averaging only 9 points in the Knicks last two games. Two games that the Knicks won, by the way. It's comments like these that make me wish they had a Wonderlic test prior to the NBA draft...

Speaking of the Wonderlic, I have some NFL to catch up on. Daniel Snyder continued following his philosophy that anything worth buying is worth overpaying for with the signing of Antwaan Randle-El and his one TD catch from 2005. He may be a very average wide receiver, but this signing does make Randle-El the best QB on the Redskins' roster...

Edgerrin James signed a 4 yr, $30 million contract with the Cardinals. The move on his part was no doubt motivated by playing his entire career alongside Peyton Manning, where he learned to accept losing as being inevitable. I'm sure he figured he might as well take some cash where he at least won't be falling short of any expectations...

The Vikings are on the brink of stealing Steve Hutchinson away from the Seahawks. They've offerred him a 7 year, $49 million contract that will cost $13 mil against the 2006 salary cap. That alone would have been enough to make it very difficult for the Seahawks to match. But the NFL Network is reporting that the Vikings' offer also includes a clause which says that Hutchinson must be the highest paid OL on his team or he will receive a $50 million cash bonus payable immediately. If the Seahawks are required to match the contract letter-for-letter, this clause could be the breaking point as they have Walter Jones on their offensive line. It appears that the Vikings have come across an ingenious (bullsh*t?) way of using the "matching" property of the transition tag to their advantage. Personally, I'm shocked that the same organization that brought us the Whizzinator, ticket scalping, Randy Moss, and a sex cruise could be capable of something so clever. It's a story of inspiration and triumph that all of us can gleam hope from...

(note...due to an error w/ blogger's photo uploader and the fact that i don't have my ftp info w/ me while i travel, i'm unable to include any pics of scantily clad babes in this post. I apologize and will rectify the situation as soon as possible.)

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Looking Ahead

I'm too tired to post any NCAA predictions tonight. I am however looking for tickets for San Diego and Oakland in hopes that UCLA advances to the Final Four. I've got Oakland pretty much on lock. San Diego is a little tougher than I anticipated.

Tickets. Tickets. Who's got tickets??

Travelling 400 Miles to Watch TV

I went out to Phoenix, where it hasn't rained in something like three thousand days, for a weekend of spring training baseball. So of course today, there's a freakin' downpour and all of the day's events were cancelled. Just perfect. On the bright side, it gave me a chance to go out to the Peoria Hooters (which in direct contrast to my nightmare experience at the "Bell" location, was stacked with an all-star roster) for some fried food, cold beer and college hoops. A few quick takes:

-UCLA won the Pac-10 tournament by a combined score of 221-158, which by my math is an average margin of victory of 21 points. I've been trying to restrain myself, but in the midst of today's game, I found myself chanting "The Final Four! (fuck 'SC). The Final Four!" (It's a documented fact that any sports cheer is enhanced by 300% by adding the phrase "fuck sc" into the mix). I'm already preparing to withdraw funds from the slush fund for tickets for the first weekend of hoops in San Diego and the regionals in Oakland. This of course is assuming that the selection committee doesn't do something stupid like give Gonzaga the #2 seed in Oakland and ship UCLA to the Minneapolis region. And yes, I know I'm putting all kinds of jinxes into motion just by mentioning this; but screw it, I'm excited about this team..especially if they can average 70+ points per game.

-Ok, so maybe this "overrated" talk about Gerry McNamara was misguided. He stepped up for his team when it counted and I'll give him props for that (tho' I'm not willing to get on my knees and feather his balls like every other announcer was compelled to do today.) My prediction for Syracuse is that McNamara will continue to stay hot, but the ride for the Orange will come to an end very soon because the team (and officials) can only bail out the bonehead plays from Eric Devendorf so many times before a collapse is imminent.

-On that note, kudos to Len Elmore for actually being willing to criticize the officials at the end of the game rather than just ignoring an obvious mistake like so many other announcers do.

-The San Diego State Aztecs won the Mountain West tournament despite shooting 28% from the field for the game. They kept trying to give their bid away to Wyoming (who would have been the only sub .500 team in the field), but the Cowboys refused to take it. The Aztecs played a very sloppy game in the finals, but some of the credit has to go to Wyoming forward/center Justin Williams who is an intimidator inside. By the end of the Mountain West tourney, he'd amassed 39 rebounds and 23 blocked shots. Unfortunately, he has no shooting touch, but he might just be one nappy fro away from being the next Ben Wallace.

-During the UNC/Boston College game, Dick Vitale announced that the Tar Heels would be his preseason #1 next year, which makes sense since JJ Redick and Williams are leaving Duke; and Vitale's only two choices for the #1 team are either Duke or UNC. As long as we're looking ahead, my preseason #1 for next season is Ohio State, with honorable mentions to Vitale's Heels and my Bruins (if Jordan Farmar stays in school).

-A few more not too bold predictions before the seedings come out: Gonzaga will be the first top 3 seed knocked out of the tourney. Duke will advance the furthest of any ACC team, but will be taken out of the tournament by a Big East team. Florida will not make the sweet 16. Michigan State will make the elite 8. Neither Arizona nor Cal will escape the first weekend. And lastly, I will put on 20 pounds, while spending over 200 bux on beer offerred to me by a waitress in a tanktop and a push-up bra.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Screwed in My Hotel

I'm not sure that I really have all that much to say tonight, but the Sheraton in Phoenix is charging me 13 bux a day for internet access, so I gotta do whatever I can to get my money's worth. At this moment, I'm playing poker, surfing porn, and updating my blog. You can guess which one will get the least attention.

Yesterday I openly wondered if there was really enough talent in Phoenix to support six Hooters establishment. This evening I had the opportunity to answer that question, and unfortunately, it was a definitive "NO." Much like the NBA and MLB, it appears that the product at Hooters has been diluted by overexpansion. It's a pretty bad sign when a chick's cellulite is so bad that it's still able to show through the dark nylons that are part of the Hooters uniforms. Maybe this particular branch was just the Devil Rays version of the Hooters' franchise. I'll give one of the other locations another chance tomorrow night. I do still need a place to watch the Pac 10 tournament anyway.

I stopped watching the Washington/Oregon game early in the 2nd half, as it looked like Washington was comfortably in front and was going to cruise to victory. I even just wrote a paragraph about how Washington and UCLA looked like they were on a collision course to meet in the finals. But now I'm looking at a scoreboard, and not only did the Huskies lose, but by double digits. How the hell did that happen? Did the cheapshot from Aaron Brooks somehow pump up his teammates? Did Oregon's cheerleaders parade around topless in the second half? I need answers!

In other tournament news: Air Force coach Jeff Bzdelik just had his team's NCAA hopes dashed in Denver's Pepsi Center- the same arena that he was run out of last season with the Nuggets...Tommy Amaker's late season collapse just got him run out of Michigan...Gerry McNamara has picked a good time to be clutch. He's playing so well, that I can almost think about something other than his pathetic leprechaun beard whenever I see him. This mini-run combined with beating the #1 team in the nation should get them into the NCAAs...However beating the #1 team is not in itself enough to secure an invitation. Just ask Florida State in a few days...

In the NBA Dance Bracket, Phoenix and the Nets should advance by the end of the night. Tomorrow brings us Orlando vs Cleveland and New Orleans/Oklahoma vs Golden State. Orlando's Kasey is a massage therapist, which is worth major points, and Jenny says a prayer before every dance routine where she asks God to help her perform 110%. I'm not sure if the breakdown is 100% Jenny and 10% God or what. I try not to let math get involved with my prayers, other than to ask God to help my bets cover the spread.
New Orleans has a pretty poor website for their dancers. There are no bios, and a limited number of pictures. But a few of the girls are smoking hot, so that's enough for me. Go Hornets!

The NFL QB carousel should begin in a few days. Culpepper to Miami followed by Brees to Minnesota looks like a possibility. If the Chargers do end up letting Brees walk, I think they're looking at a five win season next year...

For some reason, my laptop seems to be running out of juice despite being plugged in. Maybe the Sheraton shuts off the electricity at night unless you pay an additional surcharge. Bastids.

By the Time I Get to Arizona

I'm heading out to Phoenix Thursday for an extended weekend of Cactus League baseball during the daytime, followed by watching the Pac-10 tourney at night from any one of the six Hooters restaurants in the greater Phoenix area. I'm a bit skeptical that there will be enough talent in Phoenix/Tempe to staff six Hooters, but I'm willing to find out. I guess Arizona State students need to support themselves somehow, and not all of them are comfortable going directly into porn.

As for the exotic dancers of the NBA, also known as the dance teams, four more teams have been eliminated from's Dance Team Bracket. A quick summary:
-In a matchup of underrated strip club cities, Dallas annihilated Portland, 71% to 29%. The Portland squad has some nice talent, but matched up against Mark Cuban's computer resources (I'm sure he created a program to auto-vote for the Mavs) and every guy's cowgirl fantasies, the Blazers never had a chance.
-The Pacemates of Indiana squeaked by Washington's dance team, 58%-42%. The talent level in this matchup was very disappointing, but Indiana's team posted pics with the squad in red, white, and blue costumes. I think people voted for them as their way of saluting Old Glory.
-As the polls wind down to a close, Seattle is comfortably ahead of Memphis, 63%-37%. As mentioned previously, Seattle's webpage includes a swimsuit gallery, which pretty much put this matchup on lockdown. They advance to face Dallas, March 16. I expect Cuban to post a lockerroom cam of his girls as they make a push towards the finals.
-Detroit's Automotion is surprisingly putting a beating on Chicago's LuvaBulls, 69%-31%. Chicago is essentially a one-woman team with Dinna carrying the squad. Unfortunately her go-go dancing training and "stay in school" message was not enough to lead her team to victory. The Pistons go on to meet the Pacers, where much like any playoff meeting between their basketball teams, Detroit will be heavily favored.

There are two matchups schedule for March 9th. In the East, it's Philadelphia vs New Jersey.In the West, it's a battle of two champion contenders as the Silver Dancers of San Antonio face the Phoenix Suns. Let's break down each matchup:
Philadelphia vs New Jersey
Website-The Sixers use a great pic on the page, but once you go to the Sixers dance page, it's a bit anticlimactic. In the main pic, the girls are all wearing loose tshirts and jeans, and the pic itself is of a poor quality. The Sixers do manage to salvage things by including links to a ton of videos of in-game routines. I haven't made my way through all of them, but the "Boots" one is nice. The New Jersey page opens with a video montage of the dancers. While the quality of the video compression could have been better, there are a few decent shots in there. After the video completes, the flash page then becomes a picture of all the girls in evening gowns, with each girl mapped out for a quick link to their bio.
Advantage: New Jersey. The dance and evening gown competition in one easy click. I like it.
Talent Level: Clicking on the individual photo galleries for most of the Sixers dancers will result in a mad dash for the "close" button. It's not good. It's just not good at all. Caitlyn and Kesha on New Jersey's squad both have a lil' sumthin' sumthin'.
Advantage: New Jersey. Sumthin' sumthin' beats nuthin' nuthin'.
Bios-Philly's bios include beauty secrets. They clearly have no grasp of the target audience for a cheerleader page. New Jersey's Caitlyn offers these words to live by: "Dance your cares away. Worries for another day. (Fraggle Rock theme song.)"
Advantage: New Jersey. Tho I would like to thank Philly's dancer Amber-Joi for informing me that Avon Skin-So-Soft can also be used as a bug repellant and car cleaner.
Intangibles-Philly: Allen Iverson has thrown all of these girls out of his house, naked. New Jersey: Nothing good has ever come from bringing a Jersey girl home.
Advantage: Push
Predicted winner-New Jersey, as long as voters look beyond the initial page.

San Antonio vs Phoenix
Website-Clicking on a San Antonio girl opens an audio file in which that dancer (Kimberly has great enthusiasm) introduces herself and gives a quick Spurs cheer. The Phoenix page has a large photo of all the dancers lying on top of one another in cleavage-revealing tank tops.
Advantage: Phoenix. Dance chicks should be ogled and not heard.
Talent level- Kristin, Tina, and Monica are all pretty hot for the Spurs squad, and they have both beach and game photos on their pages. I like that versatility. For as hot as the Suns girls look on their main photo, once you dig down to the individual pics, it's a bit disappointing. Uyen still looks spunky, but the rest of the girls look like they want to go home, wash the makeup off of their face, and watch Dr. Phil.
Advantage: San Antonio.
Bios: Grace for San Antonio lists her favorite movie as "Blow." When Sun Dancer Uyen was asked who the one celebrity is that she'd like to have diner with, her response was "Jessica Simpson." When Amy Jo (aka "Jiggy") isn't dancing for Phoenix, she's a high school math teacher.
Advantage: Phoenix. I got it bad. Got it bad. Got it bad. I'm hot for teacher.
Intangibles: San Antonio offers getting drunk on the River Walk. Phoenix has Arizona State coeds, nearby Scottsdale, and did I mention six Hooters in the surrounding area?
Advantage: Phoenix
Predicted winner: Phoenix. Although I have to admit that I'm really just giving them my vote because I'm hoping it will somehow give me some babe karma while I'm there. Speaking of which, I better start packing so I can hit the road early. Those hot wings won't eat themselves...

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Chips, Quips, and Hips

I was planning on writing this entry while simultaneously playing in a NL Hold 'Em tournament over at Full Tilt. But I doubled up on just the second hand of the tourney, and things got interesting real quick. So I had to actually focus on the game for a few hours rather than espouse wit and wisdom for my dedicated handful of readers. The good news is that I made the final table and won enough to pay my server fees for the year (assuming I don't blow it in a ring game). The bad news is that now I'm too tired to give the 3000 word, pulitzer prize winning analysis of the day that I had intended. Maybe I'll just follow the lead of San Francisco Chronicle writers and just hold all the good stuff for my book...

The Bonds' revelations in Sports Illustrated can only elicit a few reactions. The first is "duh." The second is, "Why was he jealous of McGwire? He should have been jealous of Raffy Palmeiro getting free Viagra." After that, people tend to fall in two camps. There are those that believe that Bonds is a liar and a jerk, and he deserves to have his reputation torn apart in the same way that his body will be in the next few years. The second accepts that he shot up, took some drops, and got his cream on, but thinks he was still one of the best hitters in the game regardless and should still be honored as such. Those people are called Giants' fans. I do tend to agree that Bonds should be remembered as one of the best hitters of the last ten years, since it's beginning to look like Canseco and Caminiti were accurate in their assessment of the prevalance of steroid use in the last decade; so relative to his era, Bonds was in effect performing on a level, juiced playing field. However his legacy as it relates to the history of the game has been forever tarnished, and no amount of cross-dressing will distract people from that reality...

Well, it might be enough to distract the good people at ESPN, as they have officially lost their touch with reality. Tonight's Sportscenter has focused on the Cubs' chances of winning the World Series (neither the words "snowball" nor "hell" were mentioned); while in their college basketball coverage, Digger Phelps has made Notre Dame his sleeper team in the Big East tournament. Digger's pro-Irish bias has evolved from amusing to farcical to downright sad. On the bright side, Karl Ravetch is this close to a breakdown, leading to him grabbing Digger's highlighters and shoving them where the neon green don't shine. So there's that to look forward to...

Unfortunately I didn't have the Tivo rolling, but I think a few Oral Roberts benchwarmers may have been trampled to death tonight. When the clock hit 0.0 to give Oral Roberts the Mid-Continent Conference title and a birth into the NCAA's, the bench reacted by running onto the court and then diving on the midcourt stripe. What they failed to anticipate was the fact that the ORU student body would also be storming the court. What was supposed to be a mildly homoerotic dogpile of celebration (not that there's anything wrong with that...unless you happen to go to a "charismatic university founded in the fires of evangelism") quickly turned into the Running of the Bulls. For the sake of the survival of their remaining players, I hope that Oral Roberts is one and done in the bigger tournament...

A team with some more experience with reacting to clinching a bid to the Dance is the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. Last year, they made it all the way to the sweet 16, and they look dangerous enough to make a similar push this season. Hopefully the Selection Committee will have some sense of recent history and pair them with Tennessee in a #4 vs #13 matchup...

Lost in the shuffle of March Madness is the Big Dance Bracket at where fans and general perverts have the opportunity to vote for the hottest NBA dance squad in the league. So far, only two competitions have been voted on, with Houston beating Denver and Miami crushing Charlotte. The inevitable final matchup will be the Heat vs the Lakers, although I'm partial to the Honeybees of New Orleans/Oklahoma City; and the Sonics are poised to do some damage by including swimsuit photos in their gallery. I think a full scouting report on this tournament is in order. My readers deserve as much. I won't let you down...

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Bulldoggin' It

I now understand why Gonzaga was so ebullient in their celebration of beating a sub .500 team to win the WCC tournament. It didn't matter that they made things much more difficult on themselves than they should have been, that they looked ugly in their win, or that they were saved by a missed layup- just getting it done was an accomplishment enough.

Such is how I feel after getting some sort of template to finally work on both IE and Firefox. Of course like Gonzaga, I'm never going to advance much further if I continue to perform at this level. So it's time to work on my mistakes, clean up the sloppy parts of my game and get ready for another battle. However to fully get the Gonzaga/Adam Morrison experience, I'll have to transplant some hairs from my ass to my upper lip. But there's only so much I'm willing to do for my craft...

Monday, March 06, 2006


I'm testing out a bunch of templates tonight....So the site might be screwy for awhile...

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Hassan Adams is a Lousy Designated Driver

I just returned from a quick vacation in Santa Barbara where this weekend's MVPs were Liam, the bartender who in his infinite wisdom substituted the tonic water with extra vodka in my vodka tonics, and Mallory, the UCSB student who refused to wear any more than an extra small tank top to the bar despite the unseasonably cold night.

I didn't catch much of this weekend's sports, but I assumed that any decent team would be able to take care of business on its home court on senior day. Well, any decent team other than Duke, Arizona, Stanford, Syracuse, Kentucky, Michigan, or Michigan State. I did hit up a sports bar for a lil' while Saturday while the Duke/UNC game was on the ESPN family of networks. This bar had ESPNX tuned in, which showed the entire game from the Dick Vitale masturbation cam. It was a bit shaky at first, but once JJ Redick went cold, it remained relatively still...

Speaking of guys in need of a lift, Arizona's Hassan Adams was arrested Sunday for suspicion of DUI. I believe what made officers suspicious was his speeding, followed by him acting like a drunken fool, and then blowing a .124 on the breathalizer. Lute Olsen has refused to comment until he figures out how to spin this to the NCAA Selection Committee...

Syracuse virtually put a lock on its NIT bid with a loss to Villanova in their last game of the regular season. The day started with Syracuse honoring Gerry McNamara as one of the all-time greats at the University. Somehow, upstate New York has confused being solid but not actually good enough to make the leap to the NBA (like Carmelo Anthony and Hakim Warrick did) with being great. I also thought great players led their teams to big wins in crunch time, but I guess I was mistaken on that one too...

In football news, Shaun Alexander and the Seattle Seahawks have agreed in principal on a 8 year, $62 million contract, a quarter of which is guaranteed money. Unfortunately, Alexander was not able to sign the contract as the sound from his fax machine gave him a concussion and will force him to sit out a few days...

Chad Pennington agreed to restructure his contract with the Jets after he realized that no other team was going to give him a contract. He will get $3 million in salary for 2006, plus up to $6 million if he goes the entire season without his arm falling off. In other words, he'll get $3 million next season...

The NFL gave themselves another 72 hours to work out their collective bargaining agreement. If they really want to work out a deal, they should sit at Liam's bar for a few hours. I guarantee that after a few rounds of his lethal concoctions, everyone will be agreeable to pretty much anything...

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Cruisin' on the 101

I'm getting ready for some lounging in Santa Barbara, so this will have to be quick. I have no idea if I'll be updating at all from the Fess Parker's Doubletree Resort. Hopefully, I'll be too preoccupied with the pool during the day and the bar scene at night. So if I don't update again until Monday, it means I'm having too good of a time. If I don't update again until Tuesday, it means that I'm dead.

As for tonight...

UCLA clinched at least a share of the Pac-10 title with a 67-58 comeback overtime win over Cal. The Bears once again choked away a game they should have won, and barring a furious run in the Pac tournament, their NCAA hopes were choked along with it. On the bright side, they should be getting a 1st round home game in the NIT...

Also in the hunt for a share of the Pac-10 title is the streaking Washington Huskies. The Huskies dismantled Arizona State 91-64 in Tempe. Washington scored 53 points in the 2nd half, which is only two fewer than UCLA scored in all of regulation at Cal. It's this firepower that I think makes Washington a more dangerous NCAA team despite the order in the Pac-10 standings...

DePaul 108, Syracuse 69. Maybe Syracuse fans rushed the court against West Virginia last week because they knew it was the last win the Orangemen would get all season???

Paul Davis furthered his claim as the best white big man in college basketball in Michigan State's 74-65 win over Wisconsin. Sure "Best white big man" doesn't seem like that impressive of a title now, but it will make him a millionaire in June. Excuse me for a minute while inject my son with human growth hormone...

Korea beat Chinese Taipei in the opener of the World Baseball Classic. The reported ticket count was 5,193; but judging by what I saw on tv, it looks like 5,000 of those were bought by people who were unable to sell them on Ebay. The Tokyo Dome looked like Montreal's Olympic Stadium in the dying years of the Expos franchise...

The WBC may not have fans, but the movie "Ask the Dust" just gained a few. In an interview, Salma Hayek reported that she has a nude scene...and no uni-brow!

I really can't think of a better way than that to end the night. Have a good weekend all.

Technical Difficulties

Firefox has decided to stop loading my site for some reason. I'm troubleshooting right now, but given my level of competence, that really just means randomly removing code and seeing what happens.

Wasting Away in Margaritaville

I wasn't planning on making an entry today. The combination of cheap mexican food and expensive margaritas has left me with no energy tonight. Added to that is the fact that Drugstore Cowboy is on cable right now, and it seems perfectly reasonable to just chill on the bed tonight. But then I flipped over to one of my favorite blogs, The Big Picture, and saw that Zach's been kicking ass lately. So I figured the least I could do is turn out a half-assed entry. Luckily for me, my head is oftentimes up my ass anyway, so this shouldn't be too much of a stretch.

I never believed there would come a time when I'd actually root for Duke, but tonight with 1.7 seconds left in their game it finally happened. I thought my wife was the only person who could be completely oblivious to the time and score of a game despite the fact that it's displayed in jumbo letters, but evidently the entire Florida State student body suffers from the same affliction. Had their technical foul somehow managed to cost the Seminoles the game, it would have gone down in history as one of the greatest endings of all time. Greatness could also have been achieved if the idiot stampede had managed to trample Dick Vitale. Sadly, neither of these came to pass...

If you're a fan of Bay area sports, what bothers you more- that slugger Barry Bonds seems to really be enjoying his new life as a transvestite, or your experience watching Jerry Rice voluntarily humiliate himself each week on Dancing With the Stars? On the plus side, their acts of degradation did help dispel some of the rumors about these two athletes. Barry's tube top did not reveal much bacne, and Jerry Rice didn't dance nearly as well as you'd expect from a gay guy...

Brett Boone announced his retirement today so he can go on tour with Sammy Sosa and Rafael Palmeiro and their amazing disappearing act...

The Nuggets beat the Pistons today thanks in part to some big 3s by Kenyon Martin, but the real highlight of the game was Nuggets dancer Annette Bancroft's big D's while crawling around on the court during a dance routine that had everything except for the brass pole. According to Annette's bio, her favorite band is Aerosmith, which I believe is one of the top 5 bands played in strip clubs. In the name of science, further research is required...