Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Q&A With Noone In Particluar

I haven't done any writing in the past few days. I also haven't had anything to drink in the past few days. A correlation? Hmm..I think I'll have to file that away in the part of my brain where I keep the other things I try not to think too hard about- like the number of hours I've been logging at the poker tables, the fact that I actually laughed while watching a rerun of "Yes, Dear" last night, or my man-crush on Jake Peavy.

Some other questions that shouldn't be asked:

If you were a 16 year old girl, what would be the worse fate- that your multimillionaire father wishes you were never born and has no contact with you other than a birthday card, or that you bear a "striking resemblance" to your father, Randy Johnson? (Seriously, 6 foot 1 and a mullett?! Damn genetics can be a heartless bitch.)

What did Trey Wingo do wrong at ESPN to get assigned to the girls' basketball tournament studio coverage? Did he cut in front of Chris Berman at the ESPN buffet? Did he inadvertantly imply after another ill-advised pass that maybe Brett Favre isn't "everything that's right about the game?" Or did the execs at ESPN just conclude that an anchor that's able to maintain a conversation with Sean Salisbury without strangling him and calling him a complete imbecile would be the only person qualified to feign enthusiasm while watching non-stop coverage of below the rim action?

With that non-stop coverage of the girls' action on ESPN brainwashing you, how many female college basketball players can you name? For me, it's one and a half. I know that the chick who electrified a nation by grabbing the rim after laying a miniature basketball through a hoop is named Candace Parker. I also know that Bubba Paris' daughter plays ball, tho I don't know her first name. There's also "that chick for North Carolina who flexes her arms despite having no biceps," but I don't think that should count for anything.

Let's say women's basketball somehow takes off and is embraced by mainstream sports fans. This is shortly followed by gamblers taking a strong interest in the game. With all of the "inside information" that sports bettors search for in making their picks, would there then come a time when newspapers and websites publish WNBA injury reports that include the menstrual cycles of each team's players? Would Hank Goldberg issue reports like, "The Seattle Storm are 2-8 when Sue Bird is flowing heavy?"

Will Brett Favre decide if he's going to play next season before the actual season starts? Are the Packers starting their workouts by throwing two quick picks and being down 14-0 to simulate his presence? If Brett Favre were at McDonald's and was asked by the cashier if he'd "like fries with that," would he starve before making his decision? Will the expression "sh*t or get off the pot" be replaced by "stop Favring around?"

Which will be the first team to appear in The Smoking Gun now that Hooters Air has announced that they will serve as a private charter for sports teams? Odds on favorites are the Atlanta Braves, since Chipper Jones has already once fathered one illegitmate child with his Hooters waitress mistress. However I wouldn't count out Ron Mexico's Falcons or Jon Gruden's Bucs.

Do I still have time to make it to happy hour at my friendly neighborhood Hooters?

Only one way to find out...


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