Wednesday, June 25, 2008

All Of These Caddies Have Shaved Their Rough

The Mickaela Foundation is a noble organization which provides funds for uninsured Colorado residents who are being treated for breast cancer. Oftentimes, local charities such as these depend on the support of their local community; and the Mickaela Foundation is no different in this regard. One of the local businesses which regularly supports this charity is a local strip club called Shotgun Willie's. Earlier this week, they held their annual charity golf tournament, which featured 144 golfers and 70 very sexy caddies. Everything was in place for patrons to raise some funds while getting a very up close view of the breasts they were trying to save. That is, until, a bunch of damned kids got in the way:

Young golfers, ages 7 to 12, had not completed their Monday morning tournament before participants arrived in limousines for the Shotgun Willie's Charity Golf Tournament.

The latter event featured patrons of the strip club paired with dancers who served as caddies. Broomfield Police later broke up the event after complaints from neighbors.

Let this be a lesson to parents everywhere. Stop trying to get your kids into golf. Your son is not going to be the next Tiger Woods. The only thing he will develop into is a douchebag with an oversized sense of entitlement. Leave the golfing with the people to whom it belongs: the overweight, beer-swilling, sunburned tool who wants to think that birdie they hit on the 13th eight months ago somehow compensates for their life turning into shit.

Oh, and breast cancer sucks.


Tuesday, June 24, 2008

We All Pay The Price When Shaq Freestyles

By now, you've likely seen the video of Shaq reminding the world that he drops rhymes like he hits free throws. It really isn't that big of a deal, since Shaq has already backpedaled from his vicious assault- not on Kobe, but rather on those with ears. But like after watching any car wreck, the only way I can try to erase it from my memory is to try to talk it out. So please bear with me while I sort out my thoughts:

-Did Shaq really ask how his ass tastes? If I had to guess, I'd say it tastes like pine, considering that's where his ass has been the past two seasons.

-Why the diss on Kareem's legacy? Perhaps somewhere in his career, Kareem tried to teach Shaq something, which as we've all learned by now, Shaq considers an insult.

-Is Shaq really allowed to call himself a rapper? Shouldn't actual skills be a criteria to making this claim? Shaq calling himself a rapper because he's been caught on tape trying to rap is like me calling myself a porn star because I once hid a video camera on the dresser in my bedroom.

-Will Kobe come out with his own "freestyle" rap in response? If so, I'd suggest that to match this one, he rhyme "poet" with "know it," "mvp" with "dnp," and of course, "me" with "me."

-Will this feud evolve along the lines of Biggie and Tupac? Are the streets of Holmby Hills safe? Do either Shaq or Kobe even have posses to do their dirty work anymore, or have they thrown everyone around them under the bus?

Finally, I have to wonder how this will all end. Ideally, Phil Jackson will be the peacemaker. Only this time, he'll do it by impaling them both with a samurai sword. It's a new kind of zen. The bloody kind.


Friday, June 20, 2008

If Anyone Is Still Checking In....

I'm still on the east coast this week. Hope to have some new stuff this Monday.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Change We Can Retreat In

I'm spending this week with my family in Washington DC, the city best known for being the home to 85% of all bloggers. Also, the President lives here or something.

Speaking of which, did you realize that Ralph Nader is running for President again in 2008? As part of his effort to stay current, he has incorporated the NBA officiating scandal into his campaign. In a recent post on his blog, Nader's people documented his pursuit of justice after the Kings/Lakers series in 2002:

Ralph Nader saw injustice and on June 4, 2002, Ralph wrote to NBA Commissioner David Stern asking for an investigation.

Ralph personally spoke with Stern.

But Stern stiffed Ralph.

No action was taken.

Wow - that's leadership! Just think how Nader's forceful presence would be felt in the White House:

-Nader confronts China and demands they improve human rights in mainland, Tibet, Taiwan and Darfur. Chinese leadership says no. Nader goes fishing.

-Nader demands transparency from Iran and North Korea with respect to their nuclear capabilities. They tell him to suck a Zionist dong. He does so.

-Nader suggests an environmentally-conscious pesticide for the white house rose garden. Gardeners refuse and lock him out of the white house. Nader lives in a tent.

Nice campaign strategy. It's hard to say which is more impotent: Nader's move for Presidency or the Lakers end-game techniques.

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Thursday, June 12, 2008

Trivia Time With Joe Morgan

By way of Fire Joe Morgan comes a clip that demonstrates the type of insight and conceptual acumen necessary to become ESPN's lead baseball analyst:

On the bright side, it seems like Jon Miller is about ready to snap on-air. So that should be fun.


Tuesday, June 10, 2008

My Lakers Pep Talk

Two years ago, the Miami Heat was down 2-0 to the Dallas Mavericks and everyone was ready for David Stern to coronate Mark Cuban's team as champions. Then out of nowhere, the Heat managed to win four games in a row and took home the title. How did they accomplish this feat?

Dwyane Wade took a dive.

That's exactly what Kobe Bryant needs to do tonight. Drive to the hoop, but instead of exploding towards the basket, stumble towards the floor, flip the ball up, and force the refs to blow the whistle. Here's a textbook example of the kind of move the Lakers need from Kobe:

At the very least, throw an elbow into a guy and then run off in the opposite direction:

You can't win the big game without flopping. Just ask Brent Barry.

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Friday, June 06, 2008

Paul Pierce Has Miraculous Regenerative Powers. Or He's Just A Wuss.

Game 1 of the NBA Finals has been in the books for a few hours now, but after one game, there are more questions than answers. Here are just a few of the mysteries yet to be solved:

What exactly was Paul Pierce's injury? Was he out with a sprained labia?

Look, I have no doubt that if you feel something twist that it could very well be a moment of trepidation. To have a flash where you think you might be out for the entire Finals is no doubt a scary thing. But if you're going to scream like Shaun Livingston, are held in your trainer's arms, carried off the court by teammates, and taken to the locker room in a freakin' wheelchair, then you damn sure better not be able to jog back onto the court five minutes later. For the integrity of the series, I'm glad he wasn't actually injured, but that was ridiculous. I'm starting to wonder if back in 2000, Paul Pierce wasn't really stabbed at all, but rather just suffered a paper cut in a freak scrapbooking incident.

Who thought it was a good idea to put a couple of 50 year old men in basketball jerseys?

Did you see the "There Can Only Be One" commerical featuring Magic Johnson and Larry Bird? That was some scary stuff. As the cameras zoomed in on their bloated faces, I started wondering if the video was like The Ring and I was going to be dead within a day. At this point, I think I'd rather see a split screen commercial with an exhumed Red Auerbach and Chick Hearn than to see the Magic/Larry hybrid again.

Is Mike Breen a member of a Boston Fight Club?
I don't really listen to an announcer's preamble to a game anyway, but last night it was impossible to focus on anything other than Breen's bandage above his eye and slight bruises on his face. Either he was busy teaching someone that he was not a beautiful and unique snowflake, or else Breen made the mistake of walking into a Boston bar and making an implication that maybe Larry Bird wasn't the greatest basketball player to ever live.

What is the bedtime for Eddie House's son?
9:07 pm local tip time, and the kid was still on the bench for the game? And why is that it's Eddie House of all people that is permitted to have his son with him on the bench? This has to be nipped in the bud. It's great to support families and all, but if the NBA decides to allow all players to have their kids with them court side, the benches are going to look more crowded than a bus in India.

Did I really see a "whiteout" amongst the fans of TD Banknorth?
The days of it being cool for an entire fanbase to show up in identical shirts are over. You don't look like united fans- you look like mindless cult members (is there a difference?). For a group that prides themselves on tradition, there sure were a lot of fans wearing promotional white tshirts in the crowd. Maybe the fans were so disappointed that none of their players were white that they decided to take it upon themselves to create an atmosphere they're more comfortable in?

Does anyone play a better game of opossum than Kobe Bryant?

Oh wait, he was actually dead. Looking at various Lakers message boards, the theme went something like this: "We're hanging in there, and Kobe still hasn't come alive yet...time for Kobe to get it's Kobe time....Kobe will light it up in the 4th....time for Kobe to heat up. Sh*t."
I don't know what the deal is, but Kobe has struggled in Boston lately. Maybe it's that the Celtics play extraordinary defense, or maybe it's because it's hard for Kobe to find a hot teenage girl in Boston. Perhaps he can bang a Boston Cheerleader (four of whom are former USC dancers) over the next few nights so he can bounce back in Game 2.

There's so much drama and intrigue that I can't wait for the next game to be played- in about a week or so. These Finals are going to be over before NFL training camp begins, right?

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Thursday, June 05, 2008

The NBA Playoffs Just Got A Little Less Sexy


The NBA has finally decided to resume playing some games. The Finals begin tonight, and after doing some cursory research, it appears that the Yellowbook All-Access Cam was only a feature for the Western Conference Finals on TNT. As far as I can tell, it won't be used during the Finals on ABC. That's a bummer- not because I ever used the online cam during the games, but I'm going to miss the Yellowbook "wedding" commercial. Here it is if you need a refresher:

I can see getting married, maybe having a few kids. But a tattoo? It's just so...permanent. (R.I.P, Drake Sather).

During a playoffs that tried to convince me that Tyler Perry and Bill Engvall were "very funny," this ad was quite a welcome respite. The oh so sexy bride-to-be is a relatively unknown Mexican model/actress by the name of Blanca Soto. (Coincidentally, she's also one of the bikini cable installers in the DirecTv ad that was prominent during the playoffs.) Unless Yellowbook has also opted to sponsor the Finals, her presence will be greatly diminished over the next few weeks. I find that greatly disappointing. In the meantime, if you were wondering what she looks like out of her wedding dress, here are a few photos of the lovely lady.

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Pau Gasol Channels His Inner Yogi Berra

After much anticipation, the Celtics/Lakers NBA Finals has finally arrived. For what it's worth, my bet is on the Celtics in six. Unfortunately, I placed that wager prior to hearing Pau Gasol break down what goes into winning a championship:

(Update: Now edited to include wacky, cartoon audio!)

Am I going crazy, or did that actually make sense? Actually, I don't think the two are mutually exclusive.

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This McLaren Went Zero To Sixty In Under Four Seconds

I consider myself to be somewhat of an avid baseball fan, but if prior to tonight you had asked me me who the current manager of the Seattle Mariners is, the best I could have come up with was, "I know the team gave Mike Hargrove a nervous breakdown, but I have no idea who got suckered into that gig. Is Ichiro a player/manager?"

Turns out the correct answer (for now) is John McLaren, and while he hasn't really been a household name this season, he did manage to make an impression tonight. After being swept by the Angels to fall 15.5 games behind first place, McLaren let reporters know that he's mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore:

Then he stormed out of the press room- most likely to find Mariner Moose and punch him in the face.

This team is badly in need of a slumpbuster. Unfortunately for them, the Seattle City Council just made that scouting process a little more difficult. Seriously, if you can't console yourself after a tough loss by getting a vanilla soy latte from a barista wearing electrical tape on her nipples, well what's the point of loving baseball anyway?

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Tuesday, June 03, 2008

OJ Mayo Is Not A Basketball Cheat. He's A Cheater Who Happens To Play Basketball

The last few weeks have been pretty rough for OJ Mayo, what with the Attorney General and NCAA investigating illegal benefits totalling roughly $30,000 that may have been funneled to him by way of a runner (Rodney Guillory), an ex-con (Tony Hicks), and an American Express card belonging to a dubious charity calling itself the National Organization For Sickle Cell Prevention and Awareness Foundation.

Or maybe things aren't so rough, afterall. Mayo was able to orchestrate the terms by which he went to college, so maybe this is all orchestrated too. Maybe this all part of a viral marketing campaign for his first endorsement deal as a pro. I did some digging around and you'll never believe what I found: (click to enlarge):

Look for it in upcoming issues of SLAM, Home Theater, and The Robb Report.

A Gridiron Is Not The Octogan: Michael David Smith Confirms Inability To Engage In Abstract Thought

Longtime readers of this site may have noticed that I have occasionally taken a few jabs at AOL FanHouse writer Michael David Smith for his writing style- or more accurately, his lack of a writing style. Smith's technique is to copy the text from his Google Reader, paste it into a blockquote, and call it a blog. Granted, this is a common practice amongst bloggers, but typically it is done to build a foundation for either insight (ex. Conquest Chronicles), dissection (Fire Joe Morgan), or for a loose framework for jokes about hookers (With Leather). Michael David Smith, however, provides neither insight nor humor within his posts. Any commentary he ever leaves is typically of the obvious and useless variety such as "If it turns out that Matt Leinart really did molest a kitten, then I think that's wrong."

I used to think that the reason MDS never bothered to editorialize his posts was because it consumed too much valuable time which could be better used spamming his readers with more useless drivel. (No doubt AOL is fine with his spam since it drives up page counts and in turn, ad rates). But now I'm thinking that the real reason Smith doesn't provide any insight is because he is incapable of logical thought.

Earlier today, Smith was engaged in his pet project of promoting mixed martial arts under the guise of blogging, and in defending the sport he loves he declared,

"I have a hard time understanding how anyone who wants to ban MMA doesn't also want to ban football."

Um...really? Personally, I don't have any interest in banning MMA, and yet, I'm still quite capable of wrapping my mind around the concept that those two sports are different. Sure, they both involve large, grown men having physical contact with each other and injuries are prevalent, but that's where the similarities end. As for the difference- well, I feel like an idiot for even having to type this out- but here are a few:

Football players wear pads and these bulky contraptions on their heads known as helmets.

Punching and kicking in football will result in ejection and possibly suspensions.

In football when a player brings the ball carrier down, the play is over. In MMA, when a fighter brings an opponent down, he jumps on top of him and starts delivering blows to his face.

MMA fighters can win by choking their opponent unconscious. It is very rare for a football player to be knocked out during a game, unless Trent Green or Kurt Warner are participating that day.

MMA stars date old, weathered porn stars to cover up their latent homosexuality. NFL players achieve the same goal by dating Playboy Playmates.

Finally, here is what it looks like when wannabe models tryout MMA:

And here's what it looks like when actual models play football (Not entirely safe for work):

So, to summarize: Michael David Smith lacks the capacity for logic, two sports which don't appear to be the same are in fact, different; and, as always, nipple slips sure are neat.


Monday, June 02, 2008

Ladies, I Will Have It My Way. And No, You Cannot Use Your Hands.

Once again, the American tv viewer is getting the shaft. Over here, a Burger King commercial consists of a guy wearing a costume with a giant head and freaking people out with every visit. Meanwhile in Europe, the BK ads are so visually stimulating that they even manage to make soccer look interesting: - Watch more free videos

Ok, so maybe the ending is a bit of a buzzkill, but by British dental standards, those ladies are still solid eights.

C'mon, US television geniuses. You've already taken The Office and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire from England and made them hits here- how about giving The King a day off and throwing some porn stars on a gridiron instead? Do that, and I might even be compelled to order a Loaded Steakhouse Burger for the second time in my life. I won't be able to bring myself to actually eat that vile mound of crap, but I'll at least order it.


The Insomniac Has Been Sleeping On The Job

Sorry for the lapse on the site. Sometimes I go through these phases where I want to actually get out of the house and be a productive member of society. Weird, I know. Fortunately, it typically only lasts a week or two before I return to my slacker ways. Of course, the result of my absence is that I'll have lost whatever viewers I had and must go about re-establishing a readership.

I feel like the Pittsburgh Pirates. I'm perpetually in rebuilding mode while looking around at everything that has already been built around me. My only hope is that Mark Cuban will buy me out and salvage operations.

Speaking of being productive: if you're stumped for ideas for Fathers Day this card, you may want to consider purchasing a "Good Card" from the Network for Good. Essentially, it's a tax-deductible gift card that can be used to direct cash to the charity of the recipient's choice. There are over a million charities to choose from, however the National Organization of Sickle Cell Prevention and Awareness Foundation is not among them. So if your dad was hoping he could help pay off OJ Mayo's American Express Card, he'll have to wire him money directly. Actually, check that. Mayo doesn't take money directly from individuals. You'll have to contact his advisers to see who his intermediaries are at the the moment.