We All Pay The Price When Shaq Freestyles

By now, you've likely seen the video of Shaq reminding the world that he drops rhymes like he hits free throws. It really isn't that big of a deal, since Shaq has already backpedaled from his vicious assault- not on Kobe, but rather on those with ears. But like after watching any car wreck, the only way I can try to erase it from my memory is to try to talk it out. So please bear with me while I sort out my thoughts:

-Did Shaq really ask how his ass tastes? If I had to guess, I'd say it tastes like pine, considering that's where his ass has been the past two seasons.

-Why the diss on Kareem's legacy? Perhaps somewhere in his career, Kareem tried to teach Shaq something, which as we've all learned by now, Shaq considers an insult.

-Is Shaq really allowed to call himself a rapper? Shouldn't actual skills be a criteria to making this claim? Shaq calling himself a rapper because he's been caught on tape trying to rap is like me calling myself a porn star because I once hid a video camera on the dresser in my bedroom.

-Will Kobe come out with his own "freestyle" rap in response? If so, I'd suggest that to match this one, he rhyme "poet" with "know it," "mvp" with "dnp," and of course, "me" with "me."

-Will this feud evolve along the lines of Biggie and Tupac? Are the streets of Holmby Hills safe? Do either Shaq or Kobe even have posses to do their dirty work anymore, or have they thrown everyone around them under the bus?

Finally, I have to wonder how this will all end. Ideally, Phil Jackson will be the peacemaker. Only this time, he'll do it by impaling them both with a samurai sword. It's a new kind of zen. The bloody kind.