Tuesday, June 03, 2008

A Gridiron Is Not The Octogan: Michael David Smith Confirms Inability To Engage In Abstract Thought

Longtime readers of this site may have noticed that I have occasionally taken a few jabs at AOL FanHouse writer Michael David Smith for his writing style- or more accurately, his lack of a writing style. Smith's technique is to copy the text from his Google Reader, paste it into a blockquote, and call it a blog. Granted, this is a common practice amongst bloggers, but typically it is done to build a foundation for either insight (ex. Conquest Chronicles), dissection (Fire Joe Morgan), or for a loose framework for jokes about hookers (With Leather). Michael David Smith, however, provides neither insight nor humor within his posts. Any commentary he ever leaves is typically of the obvious and useless variety such as "If it turns out that Matt Leinart really did molest a kitten, then I think that's wrong."

I used to think that the reason MDS never bothered to editorialize his posts was because it consumed too much valuable time which could be better used spamming his readers with more useless drivel. (No doubt AOL is fine with his spam since it drives up page counts and in turn, ad rates). But now I'm thinking that the real reason Smith doesn't provide any insight is because he is incapable of logical thought.

Earlier today, Smith was engaged in his pet project of promoting mixed martial arts under the guise of blogging, and in defending the sport he loves he declared,

"I have a hard time understanding how anyone who wants to ban MMA doesn't also want to ban football."

Um...really? Personally, I don't have any interest in banning MMA, and yet, I'm still quite capable of wrapping my mind around the concept that those two sports are different. Sure, they both involve large, grown men having physical contact with each other and injuries are prevalent, but that's where the similarities end. As for the difference- well, I feel like an idiot for even having to type this out- but here are a few:

Football players wear pads and these bulky contraptions on their heads known as helmets.

Punching and kicking in football will result in ejection and possibly suspensions.

In football when a player brings the ball carrier down, the play is over. In MMA, when a fighter brings an opponent down, he jumps on top of him and starts delivering blows to his face.

MMA fighters can win by choking their opponent unconscious. It is very rare for a football player to be knocked out during a game, unless Trent Green or Kurt Warner are participating that day.

MMA stars date old, weathered porn stars to cover up their latent homosexuality. NFL players achieve the same goal by dating Playboy Playmates.

Finally, here is what it looks like when wannabe models tryout MMA:

And here's what it looks like when actual models play football (Not entirely safe for work):

So, to summarize: Michael David Smith lacks the capacity for logic, two sports which don't appear to be the same are in fact, different; and, as always, nipple slips sure are neat.



At Sun Jun 22, 05:27:00 PM PDT , Blogger NFL Adam said...

You really do hate that guy.

At Tue Dec 02, 01:26:00 AM PST , Anonymous Kurk said...

Well, models are infamous victims (or culprits) of nip slips. They should be wearing some adhesive nipple covers so steer clear on those whose main goal is to peer at those "moments".


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