Friday, June 06, 2008

Paul Pierce Has Miraculous Regenerative Powers. Or He's Just A Wuss.

Game 1 of the NBA Finals has been in the books for a few hours now, but after one game, there are more questions than answers. Here are just a few of the mysteries yet to be solved:

What exactly was Paul Pierce's injury? Was he out with a sprained labia?

Look, I have no doubt that if you feel something twist that it could very well be a moment of trepidation. To have a flash where you think you might be out for the entire Finals is no doubt a scary thing. But if you're going to scream like Shaun Livingston, are held in your trainer's arms, carried off the court by teammates, and taken to the locker room in a freakin' wheelchair, then you damn sure better not be able to jog back onto the court five minutes later. For the integrity of the series, I'm glad he wasn't actually injured, but that was ridiculous. I'm starting to wonder if back in 2000, Paul Pierce wasn't really stabbed at all, but rather just suffered a paper cut in a freak scrapbooking incident.

Who thought it was a good idea to put a couple of 50 year old men in basketball jerseys?

Did you see the "There Can Only Be One" commerical featuring Magic Johnson and Larry Bird? That was some scary stuff. As the cameras zoomed in on their bloated faces, I started wondering if the video was like The Ring and I was going to be dead within a day. At this point, I think I'd rather see a split screen commercial with an exhumed Red Auerbach and Chick Hearn than to see the Magic/Larry hybrid again.

Is Mike Breen a member of a Boston Fight Club?
I don't really listen to an announcer's preamble to a game anyway, but last night it was impossible to focus on anything other than Breen's bandage above his eye and slight bruises on his face. Either he was busy teaching someone that he was not a beautiful and unique snowflake, or else Breen made the mistake of walking into a Boston bar and making an implication that maybe Larry Bird wasn't the greatest basketball player to ever live.

What is the bedtime for Eddie House's son?
9:07 pm local tip time, and the kid was still on the bench for the game? And why is that it's Eddie House of all people that is permitted to have his son with him on the bench? This has to be nipped in the bud. It's great to support families and all, but if the NBA decides to allow all players to have their kids with them court side, the benches are going to look more crowded than a bus in India.

Did I really see a "whiteout" amongst the fans of TD Banknorth?
The days of it being cool for an entire fanbase to show up in identical shirts are over. You don't look like united fans- you look like mindless cult members (is there a difference?). For a group that prides themselves on tradition, there sure were a lot of fans wearing promotional white tshirts in the crowd. Maybe the fans were so disappointed that none of their players were white that they decided to take it upon themselves to create an atmosphere they're more comfortable in?

Does anyone play a better game of opossum than Kobe Bryant?

Oh wait, he was actually dead. Looking at various Lakers message boards, the theme went something like this: "We're hanging in there, and Kobe still hasn't come alive yet...time for Kobe to get it's Kobe time....Kobe will light it up in the 4th....time for Kobe to heat up. Sh*t."
I don't know what the deal is, but Kobe has struggled in Boston lately. Maybe it's that the Celtics play extraordinary defense, or maybe it's because it's hard for Kobe to find a hot teenage girl in Boston. Perhaps he can bang a Boston Cheerleader (four of whom are former USC dancers) over the next few nights so he can bounce back in Game 2.

There's so much drama and intrigue that I can't wait for the next game to be played- in about a week or so. These Finals are going to be over before NFL training camp begins, right?

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At Fri Jun 06, 02:03:00 PM PDT , Anonymous jason said...

The commercial wouldn't be so bad if Larry Bird didn't have the enunciation of Andre the Giant after a stroke. "ryvrryes neer die"


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