Sunday, July 20, 2008

LPGA Milks Michelle Wie, Kills Santa

And like a good neighbor, State Farm is....hey, where'd ya go???

Michelle Wie shot a 65 at the State Farm Classic Friday and for whatever reason- excitement over being tied for the lead, requests for various interviews, or just unaccustomed to actually making it through two days of a tournament- she walked outside of the scorer's tent without signing her scorecard. Fortunately, a volunteer noticed the oversight and called Wie back to the tent where she then signed her card, which was unmodified and correct. Problem solved, right? Well...not exactly.

If there's one thing that golfing bodies like more than keeping black folks out of their country clubs, it's creating and enforcing obscure minutiae within their rules. As such, the USGA was quick to pounce on Wie's stroll outside of the scorer's tent and disqualify her from the event for violation of rule 6-6b. Actually, "quick" isn't the best choice of words. Although the LPGA was intent on disqualifying Wie, they did allow her to play the entire 3rd round, since it was being aired on ESPN and she was the only ratings draw for the tournament. Once the round was completed, and ESPN was given the opportunity to air one final Michelle Wie montage, tournament director Sue Witters went forth with her decision to DQ Wie:

"I felt like I was telling somebody that there was no Santa Claus
," Witters said.

...upon which a dozen 6 year old girls waiting for Wie's autograph fled in tears. For the record, when Santa stopped visiting me, the most I lost out on was a few action figures and maybe a jersey. Wie was vying for a quarter million dollars.

I realize it's not in the USGA/LPGA's nature to bend the rules or have any sense of reason, but I have to wonder why they are enforcing one rule while ignoring a far more fundamental violation in the same tournament. Now that Wie has been eliminated, the LPGA should focus on current leader Yani Tseng. For those unfamiliar with Tseng, here is a recent picture of the Taiwanese player:

That's a 16 year-old boy, right? C'mon Yani- even the laziest Taiwanese tranny waxes his lip before a night on the town. Why is the LPGA allowing him to play? Seems like arbitrary rule enforcement to me. Also, has Disney already made a movie about a boy who dresses up like a girl to win a golf tournament? If not, does anyone want to help me write a treatment? If we get one of the Jonas Brothers to star in it, we'll make a fortune!

It has to be disappointing for Wie not to have the opportunity to complete what might have been a milestone victory for her. There is at least one silver lining, however. By being disqualified, the LPGA saved her from a possible collapse on her final day, which is a nice change of pace for her. And even tho she didn't get the victory, she can always say she should have won if not for a stupid rule. And I do mean always. Heck, just take a lesson from Raiders fans- how many years has it been since the "tuck rule" and it's still all you hear from them. Well, other than "I plead not guilty, your honor."

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Thursday, July 17, 2008

Schwarzenegger Lets Bo Derek Hold The Riding Crop Of Government

Arnold Schwarzenegger has named actress Bo Derek to a post on the California Horse Racing Board. The position involves enforcing laws and regulations regarding racing and wagering at the tracks. And if there happen to be a few late night emergency meetings in the governer's quarters, so be it. Derek has been an activist for the humane treatment of horses and has written an autobiography which "links her life lessons with her understanding of horses." Plus, her boobs looked great in Bolero.

Like any shrewd politician, Schwarzenegger knows that if you have the power to appoint persons to government positions, it's better to displace a few cronies and yesmen in favor of chicks you want to bang. Right now, Gov. Schwarzenegger is going through his list of hotties from the late 70s and early 80s. Expect to see Morgan Fairchild named secretary of service and volunteering.

On the downside, this means that if Schwarzenegger becomes President of the United States in 2012, then Bo Derek will be in charge of FEMA.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

So How Much Will It Cost To Get Them Out Of The House?

For all the heat ESPN deservedly gets from hacks like me, they deserve equal praise for their commitment to the V Foundation, a charity dedicated to cancer research in honor of the late Jim Valvano. Currently, ESPN has quite a few items and experiences available for auction on Ebay with the proceeds going to the foundation. I'd encourage everyone to check them out.

Amazingly (to me, at least), the item garnering the most attention from bidders is the opportunity to have Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic broadcast "Mike and Mike" from your home. With a day left in the auction, the bidding is over $30,000.00. That's more money than Greenberg made in book sales, I'm guessing.

Most likely, the high bidders are companies hoping to turn the auction into a pre-made commercial and good publicity. Plus, they get the added benefit of knowing that they're helping in the fight against cancer. Of course, they'll also be forced to listen to four hours of Mike and Mike, which might very well cause a brain tumor. So it's pretty much a wash.

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For A Good Time Dial 976-Fix-IsIn

According to court documents obtained by Fox News, former NBA referee Tim Donaghy had a phone pal in the league. It seems that while he was fixing games, Donaghy had a propensity to give fellow NBA official Scott Foster a call just before or after a game in which Donaghy had placed a wager. The court records show a total of 134 such calls.

The records of course don't indicate the content of these calls, but honestly, what else could it be? What reason would a guy possibly have to call anybody over a hundred times in a year? I don't think I've called any individual 100 times total in my entire life. If you were to survey 100 men and ask them who they might call 100 times over the course of a year, 99 of them would say his bookie and one whipped guy would say his wife. That's it. Those are the only options.

So if Donaghy wants to explain the calls, he only has two alternatives- he and Foster were either co-conspirators, or they were young lovers. Donaghy can say that he called Foster either to tell him that the point total was 198 and he needed the over, or to let him know that everytime he blew his whistle, he'd be thinking of Foster's cock. Since Donaghy already faces 33 months in prison, he might want to go with the former option.


Dying Medium Fires Progenitor Of New Media

As part of a massive layoff Monday, the LA Times fired writer and editor Jay Christensen, who along with being an exceptional talent for the Times, is the workhorse behind one of the best college football sites on the web: The Wizard of Odds. If you happen to be in need of a great researcher, check out his resume. Or at the very least, click an ad on his site.

Meanwhile, the LA Times continues to pay Bill Plaschke to fill columns with his one sentence paragraphs. It just ain't right.

Every Time Matt Ufford Touches Himself, He Makes A Mess Of Everything

The cover of Sports Illustrated and EA's Madden have long been the kiss of death for a sports figure. One moment you're the center of attention and the next, your career is in ruins. It's beginning to look like we can add another media group to the list. Lately, finding yourself featured on With Leather has been a jinx in its own right.

First, Allison Stokke was featured on the site- and a few months later, she had gained a fresh fifteen at Cal. Then, the site spent an inordinate amount of time focusing on the frequently exposed bum of Nereida Gallardo; and after a few weeks, she was broken up from her boyfriend soccer player and goldmine, Cristiano Renaldo. Then Monday, WL wrote a post featuring former Miss Teen California finalist Tiffany Michelle, the only remaining female in the World Series of Poker main event. Within hours, she was eliminated.

It appears that the voodoo is getting more powerful over time. It seems like every person who Matt Ufford masturbates to immediately becomes cursed. This spells trouble for the likes of Scarlett Johansson, Keeley Hazel, and of course, your mom. (Oooh...retro 80's burn).

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Tuesday, July 08, 2008

An All Star Game and Old Timers Game All In One

Years ago, Josh Hamilton promised an old high school coach, Clay Council, that if he was ever invited to the home run derby, he'd take the coach with him to be his personal pitcher. Of course, Hamilton was also really, really high at the time. But Hamilton is a man of his word, and so it will be Council who is lobbing pitches to Hamilton during the derby. Did I mention that Council is 71 years old? Seventy-one. When I'm that age, I just hope that I can still operate the remote control on my virtual reality fantasy simulator, and yet this guy is still able to toss it around with the kids. That's impressive. Council has been throwing batting practice in North Carolina for over 30 years- which is just about as long as Trevor Hoffman has been doing the same thing in San Diego.

The All-Star game will be held at Yankee Stadium in honor of the Stadium's final season. Council has been at the stadium once before:

It will be the second visit for Council to Yankee Stadium -- he said the only other game he saw at the venerable ballpark came as a teenager when he watched Don Larsen's perfect game in Game 5 of the 1956 World Series.

I have to admit, that's a pretty cool backstory. The next time Council is tossing the ball around with high school kids, he'll be able to talk about his two visits to the House that Ruth Built. Once, when a pitcher threw the only perfect game in World Series history; and once, when Chris Berman yelled, "back, back, back...gone!" after every home run swing.

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Monday, July 07, 2008

Sabathia And Sheets And Pray For Sleet

If the season were to end today, the Milwaukee Brewers and St. Louis Cardinals would meet in a one game playoff to see who would face the Phillies as the NL Wild Card. Not bad for a team that employs Eric Gagne in the bullpen and only has one decent starting pitcher. Well, now they can make that two starting pitchers, as today the Brew Crew acquired CC Sabathia from the Indians in exchange for top hitting prospect Matt LaPorta.

Sabathia says he is "excited" about the move, and why shouldn't he be? Not only is he going from a team in the cellar to a team competing for a playoff spot, but he also gets to throw against national league lineups for the remainder of the a contract year. Heck, even the Royals starters dominated the NL in interleague- just think of the numbers Sabathia will be able to accumulate over the next few months. He probably made himself another $10-$20 mil over the lifetime of his next contract thanks to this trade.

Even if Sabathia turns out to only be a rental for the Brewers, this deal still makes a lot of sense for Milwaukee. The team hasn't been to the playoffs since 1982. In fact, the last baseball team to make it to the playoffs in Milwaukee was the fictitious Cleveland Indians led by Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn in Major League, which was filmed in Milwaukee County Stadium. The NL is especially weak this year, so now seems like a great time to strike. The Brewers were already in the thick of things with the corpse of Jeff Suppan as their #2 starter. Now he gets bumped down by a motivated Sabathia, and suddenly Milwaukee is a legitimate contender....assuming Gagne isn't renamed the closer.

Of course this deal is not without its risks. Sending CC Sabathia to the land of bratwurst is a dangerous proposition. Plus, there's the possibility that Sabathia could interfere with the chemistry in the locker room. You just know there are going to be a few scuffles between CC and Prince Fielder over who gets first dibs at the clubhouse buffet. But if Ned Yost makes sure there's enough milk and cookies for everyone, then for the first time in their lives, many Brewers fans will be seeing their team in the playoffs. Knowing that's possible is enough to give hope to the fanbase of any team. Except, Pittsburgh or Kansas City, of course.

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Oh, So That's Why People Used To Watch Tennis!

So unfortunately, I kept my five year streak of not seeing a men's tennis match alive this weekend and missed the epic finale between Federer and Nadal. For anyone else in my position, ESPN Classic will preempt Stump the Schwab or American Gladiators to re-air the match Monday afternoon/evening. (Maybe I should liveblog the replay?)

As my way of apologizing for missing the Final, here's a highlight from a quite different, albeit very riveting, tennis match. It may lack the drama of a championship in the balance, but I still couldn't take my eyes off of it:

If you missed that match, it will likely replay on another channel as well. My guess would be the Spice Network.

Friday, July 04, 2008

Today We Celebrate Our Independence Day

As any average American citizen knows, it was on this day in 1776 that George Washington beat King George in a hot dog eating contest to secure our independence from the British. So, go out and celebrate like our forefathers would: by eating and drinking to excess, discharging a few firearms, and then maybe hitting up an Indian casino to cap things off.

What a country. I almost feel as proud as these folks did (wow, was that really almost 20 years ago? Kids, never grow old. Trust me on this one.)

Happy 4th, y'all.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

The Brazilian Team Might Be In Search Of A New Bunda

The Summer Olympics are just a few months away; and while there doesn't seem to be the same impact of The Games now that they aren't being used to decide the victor between communism and democracy, there is still something compelling about the tradition and grandeur of the events, and the culmination of a lifetime of training for the individuals. It is for these reasons that I am fascinated with the event that perhaps holds the most revered history and deepest tradition of them all. I'm talking of course of women's beach volleyball- a sport which exemplifies, teamwork, athleticism, and most notably, ass-slapping.

When it comes to the development of a posterior game, nobody puts the "booty" in "holy crap, did you see the booty on that chick?" quite like the Brazilian team. Regardless of outcome, each point is saluted with a hug and a pat on the butt to show support and encouragement for their teammate. Such sportsmanship and teamwork is a joy to behold.

Unfortunately, the Brazilians hopes for bringing home a gold took a blow recently when Juliana Silva (pictured, rear) suffered an injury to her left knee that usually requires surgery. Silva, no doubt gaining inspiration from Paul Pierce's miraculous recovery last month, has opted to forego surgery and instead try physical therapy and a customized knee pad to compensate for the injury.

Silva states that she is optimistic about recovering in time for the games, however if her knee does not respond as she hopes, then Larissa Franca is going to be in need of a new partner. The National Olympic Committee has not indicated who the alternate player might be, so I'd like to make a suggestion: Brazilian supermodel Raica Olivera. I have no idea if she's ever touched a volleyball, but I do think she'd be great for the games. Here is a portion of her resume:

That's what Olympic dreams are made of. Or at least some kind of dream. It's supposed to be hot and sticky in Beijing, so it's all pretty much the same either way


The Devil Has Come To Collect His Due

There was a time when a person would never even consider taking out a large marker in Vegas that they couldn't repay immediately. Something about valuing the use of their extremities, I suppose. But those days have passed, and now gamblers think of markers as some sort of interest-free loan to be repaid the next time they get a big score. So if Steve Wynn of Wynn Las Vegas wants his money, he has to do what every American does when he's unhappy about a situation. He's gonna sue your ass.

First, it was Charles Barkley and the $400k he owed the casino. Then it was Alonzo Mourning and a $50k outstanding debt. Both of those debts have since been repaid. Now it's been revealed that Joe Francis, founder of the Girls Gone Wild, owes the Wynn a whopping 2 million bucks.

So now in addition to tax evasion, drug possession, child abuse and prostitution charges, Francis can add a massive gambling debt to his list of problems. It's almost enough to think that the $29 million a year cash flow and years of years of filming (among other things) young naked bodies wasn't worth it. Ok, that might be a stretch.

Still, for all of his work bringing the "Girls Gone Wild," mindset to college girls across the nation, Joe Francis should be an American hero. But instead, he's just a douchebag. It's unfortunate. Guys like him give the rest of us who just want to see an 18 yr old chick flash her boobies (and maybe make out w/ another 18 yr old) a bad name. Maybe Steve Wynn could bring a vise out just for old times sake.

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I Don't Know But I've Been Told, Fixing Games Is Like Finding Gold

The NBA has a bit of a problem with its referees. They're unaccountable, unreliable, and occasionally, on the take. But other than that, they're the best officials in sports, according to David Stern. Still, the commish has decided to clean up the image of his officials. In Stern's eye, the man for the job is retired US Army Major General Ronald L. Johnson, formerly the Deputy Commanding General of the US Army Corps of Engineeres. General Johnson doesn't have any experience in sports, but he did help oversee the response to Hurricane Katrina and the reconstruction of Iraq. So, of course, we should all be reassured that accountability and integrity will soon be restored in the league.

Still, as ESPN's Henry Abbott reminds us, we should give the man a chance. I'm sure Stern wouldn't have hired him unless he presented some great ideas for the league. Here are a few moves you can expect from the general in the coming months:

-Fire Dick Bavetta, not for incompetence, but for kissing Charles Barkley.

-Outsource training and development of officials to Haliburton.

-Forward any inside information of point shaving to the Arabian Horse Association. (to pay back a certain someone for taking the fall.)

-Ban Kanye West from all NBA arenas

Oh, and don't be surprised if officials routinely show up late for New Orleans Hornets home games.

Yeah, I feel reassured about the state of officiating now. Nice work, Stern. Mission accomplished.

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