I Don't Know But I've Been Told, Fixing Games Is Like Finding Gold

The NBA has a bit of a problem with its referees. They're unaccountable, unreliable, and occasionally, on the take. But other than that, they're the best officials in sports, according to David Stern. Still, the commish has decided to clean up the image of his officials. In Stern's eye, the man for the job is retired US Army Major General Ronald L. Johnson, formerly the Deputy Commanding General of the US Army Corps of Engineeres. General Johnson doesn't have any experience in sports, but he did help oversee the response to Hurricane Katrina and the reconstruction of Iraq. So, of course, we should all be reassured that accountability and integrity will soon be restored in the league.

Still, as ESPN's Henry Abbott reminds us, we should give the man a chance. I'm sure Stern wouldn't have hired him unless he presented some great ideas for the league. Here are a few moves you can expect from the general in the coming months:

-Fire Dick Bavetta, not for incompetence, but for kissing Charles Barkley.

-Outsource training and development of officials to Haliburton.

-Forward any inside information of point shaving to the Arabian Horse Association. (to pay back a certain someone for taking the fall.)

-Ban Kanye West from all NBA arenas

Oh, and don't be surprised if officials routinely show up late for New Orleans Hornets home games.

Yeah, I feel reassured about the state of officiating now. Nice work, Stern. Mission accomplished.