I Know Nothing

UCLA adjusted by going to the run game. Dorrell went for it on a 4th and 6. It's now tied 22-22.

How 'bout them Bruins?!

I'm an idiot.

(Addendum: From the time I hit "publish" on my tirade, the Bruins outscored Northwestern 50-16. I'm sure it's a coincidence, but just in case it wasn't, next season I'll look for pics of hot, young college girls during each game.)

Bruins in Winter Hibernation

It's a good thing that UCLA is a basketball school, because their football team is stinking up El Paso as I type this. They've continued their trend of losing ugly, as Olsen has now thrown 3 INTs in the 1st quarter, with two of them being returned for TDs.

This is now three consecutive terrible efforts in bowl games to go along with getting pummelled by USC every year. And while a 9-3 record might look good on the surface, the team played much more like a .500 club all season. Hopefully this will rekindle the calls to fire Karl Dorrell. As a UCLA alum, I am tired of watching Karl Dorrell's catatonic vulcan routine on the sidelines and in press conferences. He can't motivate players, can't make game-day adjustments and is afraid to take chances when needed. Meanwhile over at USC, Pete Carroll goes for the jugular and then dances around the kill-site after the win. It's time for a change in Westwood.

I know it's wishful thinking that UCLA will fire Dorrell, but since I'm watching my team get their ass kicked by Northwestern, allow me to indulge in some fantasy. Whoever the next coach is that comes to Westwood has got to be someone with some fire. Maybe someone like Jim Haslett, a fallen from grace (he was the NFL Coach of the Year in 2000) coach who has something to prove- much like Carroll did when he came to USC. The Saints may stink this year, but at least it seems to bother Haslett- unlike Dorrell who I watch stare ahead impassively as his team gets destroyed yet again.

Say What?

Obscure bet of the day: Idaho St. -4 vs Binghamton. (Opening Round. Gossner Foods Classic.)
This game is being played in Logan, Utah. Binghamton is off to a 2-8 start and had to rally from a 12 point deficit to beat North Florida. Idaho State, led by 6-9 center Antoine "Slim" Millien is off to a 7-2 start. Ok, fine, I have no clue who he is. But ask yourself this- if you were from Binghamton and had to travel to the middle of Utah to play a game, would you be in a shitty mood the entire trip? Me too.

Other picks:
Penn +7.5 at Hawaii. Hawaii is good, but their getting a few bonus points because of their season-opening win against Michigan State. Penn hung tough with Villanova- if the jet lag isn't too much, then they should be able to stay close to the Warriors.

Stanford +7.5 at UCLA. I hope I'm wrong, but strange things seem to happen whenever these two teams meet.

And in one other remote game that a few people may be interested in:
Detroit -240 ML vs Miami. Detroit is 11-1 at home. After dismantling San Antonio on Christmas, they'll be motivated to beat down Miami and erase any lingering doubts as to who the frontrunner for the NBA title should be. It appears that the mainstream media must be reading my blog as Chauncey Billups is now starting to get some hype as an MVP candidate. It's either that or I just made a very obvious claim and am just one of the masses.

Slummin' It

Tired musings while I chat with Jennifer Harman at a $2/4 Hold 'Em table at fulltiltpoker.com...(my bonus code is "insomniac" by the way...)

If Peter Jackson had pushed the envelope even more and called for King Kong and Naomi Watts to have sex...and if Naomi Watts were to survive the experience and then conceive a child...I'm pretty sure the offspring would look just like Mariah Carey does now...

If you're a member of the Memphis Grizzlies, is there any way that you can take Mike Fratello seriously when you look at him in the huddle? You could abduct a munchkin from the lollipop guild, and then pee on him, and you'd end up with something that resembles Mike Fratello...

There are many things that separate the Pistons from the Lakers (example: The Pistons have a gunner that goes by "Rip". The Lakers have a gunner that goes by "Rape.") When someone for Detroit is on fire, the team will always do a good job of feeding that guy the ball. But whenever someone other than Kobe is on fire for the Lakers..well, the ball still gets fed to Kobe. Tonight, Devean George was feelin' it whenever he touched the ball. Unfortunately for Lakers fans, he just didn't get many touches because Kobe thought it was better to force up jumpers while double-teamed rather than get the ball to the hot hand...

A few days after Christmas, and the schedulers blessed us with this college hoops matchup: St. Joseph's at St. Mary's. Hopefully the announcer opened the telecast with, "Jesus, Joseph, and Mary, we've got a good one for ya tonight!"

Mike Tirico called the Alamo Bowl "the worst officiated game I've ever been a part of." The game featured Sun Belt referees who forced Michigan to use two timeouts in the 2nd half to get the replay booth to review very close plays (in college bowls, replays are summoned for automatically by the booth rather than coaches challenge). Then with Michigan out of timeouts at the end of the game, the referee let 10 precious seconds burn off the clock before signalling the ball ready for play. Finally, on the final play of the game, which was almost an unaesthetic duplication of the old Cal-Stanford game, the officials didn't throw a flag despite the fact that Nebraska had about 40 players on the field while the ball was still live. Yeah, I'd call that pretty shoddy officiating. Although if Mike Tirico had seen any of my UCLA intramural games he might realize that there are still further depths to sink...

Pete Carroll just agred to an extension of his contract with USC. Athletic director Mike Garrett wouldn't elaborate on the details of the agreement, but suffice it to say that "cheerleader orgy" appears a number of times throughout the contract...

Have you ever watched a Skinemax movie that was so bad that instead of getting turned on by nekkid chicks, you instead looked at sex as an incredibly boring, redundant, lifeless act? Rather than handing out pamphlets with misinformation, abstinence proponents should be forcing teens to repeatedly watch the sex scenes in "Bikini Roundup." They'll soon realize that there are better rushes out there than sex- and turn to drugs instead...

On the flip side of the equation, the timeless classic "Blame It On Rio" is on cable right now. That movie is still as enjoyable now as it was when I snuck downstairs to watch it on cable as a kid in the 80s. The only difference is that now that I'm older, I relate to Michael Caine's character a lot more now whenever I ogle Michelle Johnson...

Polaroid scene coming up in a minute...get the pause button on the Tivo ready....wait for it....wait for it....perfection.

Why do I suddenly have the urge to book a spring break vacation?

In the interim, Jennifer Harman has given me two "lols" and I in turn have given her half of my buy-in. Advantage: Jennifer. Time to call it a night...

Addicted to the Action

A couple "what the hell" bets today.

Cleveland at New Jersey OVER 197: Hoping for a combined 70 between Vince Carter and Lebron James.

Portland St. +15 at Oregon. I can't name a single player for Portland St. Heck, I can't even name their mascot. But from what I've seen from Oregon so far this eyar, they shouldn't be favored by 15 over anyone.

I'm Going Soft

Jeff Reardon was doing his day after Christmas shopping at the Gardens Mall in Palm Beach, Florida. He walked into a Hamilton Jewelers, handed an employee a note stating he had a gun and was robbing the place, then made off with $170 in cash. He was then followed by the store manager and arrested in the parking lot by police.

Reardon explains the incident by revealing that he has been on anti-depressants since the death of his son last year and flipped out on his medications.

I'm inclined to believe Reardon and his attorney on this one. The heist itself was so poorly executed that there's no way it was planned by a sane mind. He picks a busy shopping day and then leaves with a little cash instead of taking expensive jewelery. This story rings of Alonzo Spellman wandering naked in the snow after flipping on his medication. Unless other facts come to light, such as that Reardon had burned through all his cash on blow and was desperate, I won't condemn him for his actions.

Tony Dungy mourned his son's death at his funeral today. I'm sure most people would show compassion if a year from now, he robs a Nordstroms and walks out with two cable knit sweaters.

Alex Smith- Future Hall of Famer?

Guess who's back? Back again...guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back...

It was a little more nerve-wracking at the end than I would have preferred, but the Bears' front four stepped up at the end of the game and held on to beat the Packers, cover the spread, and get the bankroll going in the right direction. Hopefully this win will start a little rally for me...

Favre is good for one terrible INT a game; and he didn't disappoint yesterday, lofting the ball into the hands of Lance Briggs for an easy defensive TD. Favre has gotten to the point that I was more expecting of a Bears score when Favre had the ball than when Grossman did.

As an illustration of Favre's deterioration, here are Favre's numbers the past four games compared to overall #1 pick Alex Smith:

Favre: 96/169, 57% completion, 908 yards, 5.37 yds/attempt, 0 TDs, 9 INTs
Smith: 45/86, 52.3% completion, 516 yards, 6.0 yds/attempt, 0TDs, 5 INTs

So don't worry about them calling you a bust, Alex Smith...you're as good as Brett Favre!

Now you just need to get Al Michaels, John Madden, Joe Theisman, Paul Maguire, and Chris Berman to sing your praises every day and you're a superstar!

Santa Brought Me 3 Ho's

Probably not too many postings today. Certainly no published picks after getting beat down yesterday.

But if I could ask for one thing for Christmas, it would be for Favre to throw a couple of his patented INTs for TDs....Ok, I guess that's two things.

Bitter Taste In My Mouth

Quick reaction to my game-picking prowess the last 3 weeks:

It doesn't matter how long you keep sucking ass- it never starts to taste like chocolate.

Names Out of a Hat

I'm sick, I haven't studied the lines, and I don't even know which teams are holding out their starters. But since my educated guesses have stunk lately, maybe this will change my fortunes. I'm also going to go against my past and pick all home teams today.

Tampa Bay -3 vs Atlanta. Michael Vick has nightmares about Tampa. Whether it's Simeon Rice, Rhonde Barber, or a stripper he gave herpes, Vick is constantly harassed as soon as he arrives in the city. While anything would be an improvement over his performance in Chicago, I expect Vick to continue to struggle and Atlanta to be held under two TDs.

Carolina -4.5 vs Dallas. Anything tackle-related is a trouble spot for Dallas right now. The offensive tackles are struggling, and that should mean a big game for Julius Peppers. Anytime Drew Bledsoe receives pressure, it means turnovers galore. As for Dallas' defense, they can't tackle anyone, and DeShaun Foster should be able to run wild. This looks like a mirror image of the Redskins game to me.

Houston +6 vs Jacksonville. The Jags are playing for their playoff lives, but they almost lost on the road to San Francisco under the same circumstances. David Carr might be terrible, but unlike Alex Smith, he has thrown for a few TD passes this season. Houston will win the game and lose Reggie Bush.

Cleveland +6.5 vs Pittsburgh. Among other things, the holidays are a time for nostalgia. So I'm taking the way-back machine to the mid-80s when the dog pound was intimidating, and Frank Minnifield and Hanford Dixon were shutting down the passing game. As long as Earnest Byner doesn't fumble at a critical time, the Browns will pull off the upset.

(Steve, if you have any good feelings on a game or two today, feel free to comment)

This will be the first weekend where I don't have DirecTv going for the games, so if I don't post again for awhile, assume I'm shaking in a corner somewhere suffering from withdrawals.

Droppin' Knowledge

As an early Christmas gift, the Oracle has given me his picks for today's NBA action. I don't agree with one of them, but that is obviously because my mind is too feeble to comprehend the genius of The Oracle.

Indiana +4.5 at Cleveland. Danny Granger in his last two games: 12-16 from the field, 2 for 2 from 3pt land, 13 boards, 3 steals, 28 points. Ron who?

LA Clippers -4 at Charlotte. I prefer the Bobcats at home in this one. The Oracle believes this is a statement game for the Clippers. The last time I bet on the Clippers in a statement game was at Minnesota where KG promptly shut their mouths.

Philadelphia -4 at Atlanta. A.I. will not let the Sixers lose to the Hawks. Even if he has to take every shot for his team (and he might), he'll make sure Philly comes out on top.

Feeling Kobe

A few nights ago, I bet against Kobe; and he responded by grabbing me by the throat and having his way with me. At first I was angry, but now I realize that I just misunderstood the situation; and as long as he pays me off, I'll let everything go.

Lakers -1 at Orlando. You own that triangle, Kobe.

If You Let Me Play

Cuba has reapplied to the US Treasury Department to take part in the World Baseball Classic this Spring. Although they were vague in their reasoning, the US denied the first application because Cuba would receive money in the tournament, thereby violating US regulations. Cuba has responded by saying they will donate any money received to New Orleans residents displaced by Hurricane Katrina.

So with this olive branch being extended to the US government, how will they respond? Will they accept the offering, or will they grab the branch and jab it repeatedly into the eyes of every member of the Cuban Baseball Federation? Given their track record, I'm betting on the latter.

ESPN Should Observe a Moment of Silence

James Dungy, son of Tony Dungy, was found dead of an apparant suicide today. Colts' President Bill Polian showed respect and remorse in making the team's statement:
"The thoughts and prayers of everyone in this building are with Tony and (wife) Lauren, their children and their extended family, and for the repose of James' soul," Polian said at a news conference at the Colts' training facility in Indianapolis. "This is a tragedy for the Dungy family and by extension his football family here with the Colts."

I normally wouldn't comment on this event at all, as I believe that this is a private matter for the Dungy family and how it affects the Colts or sports fans is of little concern at this time. Unfortunately, ESPN does not share my views. Under the guise of compassion, they have been exploiting this event the entire afternoon. Rather than show any humanity or dignity, ESPN went on full assault with: a reporter on the scene from the Sheriff's office, a reporter interviewing every Colt player for a sound byte, a reporter interviewing Tampa Bay players, and Dan Patrick interviewing an Indianaplis beat writer, all to illustrate what was immediately known- that this was a tragic event. I'm sure in the next few days, we will hear ESPN speculate on the motivations behind James Dungy's decision to take his own life, speculation on Tony Dungy's motivation to continue his career, and an unwittingly self-aggrandizing eulogy from Chris Berman. Sadly, this death brought out the vultures from Bristol.

I wish the Dungy family peace.

Paging Ron Mexico, White Courtesy Phone

How avid, insane and desperate are NBA groupies? Apparantly, they're so aggressive that even Ira Newbie needs an alias when he travels (his was Eldridge Cleaver).

The Cleveland Plain Dealer details the ordeal that NBA players endure when they're on the road- early morning calls for interviews, crank calls, solicitations from financial planners, etc.- and the countermeasures they take- giving aliases when they check in to hotels.

No surprise, Shaquille O'Neal had the most creative response. His aliases were Donovan Perot and Vladamire Mandingo. Why did he choose these names? Shaq explains:

I used Donovan Perot because I'm fast like Donovan and I'm rich like Ross Perot. (Vladamire Mandingo)- that's a big Russian-African looking dude.

Just classic stuff from Shaq. Tho he could have easily been anonymous just by using John Henry Irons, his character in Steel.

By the way The Insomniac is true to his name and acting on about an hour of sleep right now. Don't expect any great things from this site today. Actually here, that's a good general rule to go by.

A Call to Action

I have learned my lesson with the NBA pointspreads. I am obviously an idiot with no more ability to pick the winners of a game than a semi-retarded sheepdog. The Oracle however has shown that his vision is clear; and I question him no more. Here are his picks for the day:

Spurs -4.5 over Knicks
Just because it’s the Spurs …and they’re playing the Knicks. Brown/Popovich matchups are great, but I don’t know if the Knicks are dialed-in enough to hear LB’s message. While the Marbury/Crawford backcourt duo matches up closely against Parker/VanExel, I'm hoping the basketball gods punish NY for putting Nate on IR. Spurs are on a slide, but a 5 game slide?
(Insomniac's take: I had vowed not to bet on the Spurs until Manu Ginobili returned to the team. But keeping my vows has never been a strong suit of mine. If my wife is reading, I'm sorry that you had to find out this way.)

New Orleans +8.5 over Twolves
I’ve been wanting to support the vagabonds all season and now I’m ready to jump full on the bandwagon. The hornets are rolling, the twolves are a two man team with a ridiculous dropoff in talent, it could work out. The only drawback is that when the Hornets lose, they usually lose big – only 4 of 13 losses are within 10 points.
(Insomniac's take: If this works out, you can also support a vagabond by checking out Spearmint Rhino's featured dancer schedule. Unfortunately, there will be no porn stars appearing the week of Christmas, which makes me wonder if Santa got my letter this year.)

Portland +12.5 over Memphis
Yes, this has every indication of a letdown game for the Blazers, but maybe they’re young enough to stay hype the next day. Grizzlies like to keep it low scoring, which means blowout potential isn’t as large. Plus, the Blazers might have an edge on the boards which should keep them close.
(Insomniac's take: Is a letdown game for the Blazers one in which Ruben Patterson hits someone or one where he doesn't? Either way, it's worth watching.)

"I Love Black People!"

Reggie Bush is currently in the process of interviewing agents for the upcoming NFL draft. I could use the $6 million that will likely come with the agent's cut, so I've been dialing every 619-###-#### combination in hopes of reaching the Bush household to schedule an interview. So far I've had no luck reaching Bush, but I was able to meet a girl with a sweet voice named Jasmine and schedule a "massage;" so it hasn't been a total loss.

According to the article, Bush has narrowed the field down to three. Here are the finalists and the skills that have gotten them this far:

Todd France: Fit both of Reggie's balls in his mouth while humming the USC marching song, "Conquest."

Joel Segal: Lubed up Bush's divining rod and let him hone his ability to 'exploit any hole.'

Leigh Steinberg: A little too graphic to actually print. Suffice it to say that it involved Traveler, and was a reinactment of the story of the Trojan Horse that you can usually only find south of the border.

My plan was just to make cupcakes, so I probably wouldn't have beaten out anyone other than Drew Rosenhaus who advised Bush that he should hold out until the NFL creates an expansion team, gives it to Reggie, names it the Bushwhackers, and guarantees them a Super Bowl appearance regardless of record.

Good luck to the three finalists. May the biggest whore win.

(Here's the pic I wanted to post with this, but I don't want anyone to get fired while they're surfing. But if you're at home, give it a click.)

Johnny Be With You

The Yankees signed Johnny Damon to a 4 yr, $52 million contract tonight. Five of the top 12 run scorers from last season are now wearing pinstripes.

I'm wondering which take Bill Simmons will have for page 2. The choices are:

A: Damon's asking price was way too much for a guy who's on the downside of his career and needs a relay man to get the ball to 2nd base. But with the Yankees' payroll they can afford to overpay whoever they want.

B: This wouldn't have happened if Theo Epstein were completely in charge. The Sox are being punished for Larry Lucchino's ego trip.

C: The Sox will be fine if they can trade for Jeremy Reed, a prototypical lead off man with tremendous UPside.

D: This is reminiscent of when Daniel LaRusso left Mr. Miyagi to train with Kreese and the Cobra Kais in Karate Kid III.

E: All of the above.

In an upset, I think I'm only going with A. Stay tuned.

If You Want to Cry, I'll Give You Something To Cry About

It's like my stepdad used to tell me whenever he ran out of beer: sometimes, you've just got to take a beating. So it's been for me the past week with my sports' picks. But rather than cry about it, I'll instead do the gentlemanly thing and honor those who bested me.

Congratulations to Kobe Bryant. With tonight's performance, you have made your mark in history as the best cross-dressing athlete ever to play basketball, destroying the previous claims of Dennis Rodman, Larry Johnson, and Scottie Pippen (pictured).

(By the way, to anyone thinking that the Lakers should have put Kobe in the game for the 4th to see if he could have scored 80: The last thing the Lakers need is for Kobe to believe that the coaches actually endorse him scoring all of the team's points.)

Congratulations to Nenad Krstic. Way to set the tempo for the game in which there were 18 missed free throws and I only needed two to fall to cover my over. You're the first Euro to make it in the NBA despite the fact that you CAN'T HIT A GODDAMN FREE THROW. You are the pride of Yugoslavia.

Congratulations to the Dallas Mavericks. It's a difficult feat to coordinate 10 individuals to crap themselves simultaneously. Honestly, it's something I never expected to see in my lifetime. But today, you showed the world that anything is possible if you believe. I just feel bad for the Staples Center employees that have to clean up all the streaks you left behind.

Finally, my apologies to The Oracle, which presented me with three picks (LAC over, Portland +13, Seattle Under) and I only picked one; and then went on my own for the second pick. Instead of going 2-1, I went 0-2. I shall never turn a deaf ear to your wisdom again.

Jimmy Gobble Will be Mine

Quick update on my effort to buy the Atlanta Braves.

December's tally from GoogleAds: $2.02.

So, I'm still about $449,999,997.98 away from making a bid on the Braves, but I'm probably only 10 bux or so away from buying the Royals...so keep on clickin'! :)

Gong Show, Baby

I actually pulled some cash out of my sportsbook account to lock in some gains. (I know, given what I've posted here it's hard to believe that I'm actually up on the season, but I am.) Usually whenever I pull out money, it has the same effect as an announcer mentioning that a player is a great free throw shooter. So we'll see if I drop a brick on these picks...

Clippers at New Jersey over 185.5 - This is the oracle's pick: "Not really one to advocate betting the over/under, but it’s Lawler’s law. Against the Clippers, it’s a race to 100. Looking at each team’s last 5, it looks like both are up to the task."

Dallas -155 at Lakers - Difference maker in this one: Devin Harris. He'll be able to drive the lane and create open looks for Dirk, Van Horn, et al. If that doesn't work, maybe Kobe Bryant will get a run in his nylons and have to sit out for an extended period of time.

As for the title, it will make more sense if you're aware of the christmas gift Cingular and the Mavs have given their customers.

Milk Chocolate

Sometimes I think I live in the wrong country. WARNING: Not safe for work (unless you have a really cool boss or are the boss).

Choco! Party! Good, Good!

Gotta put that on the invitation I send Jessica Simpson for my birthday party.

To reload, click the very beginning of the progress meter right after the Play/Pause button.

Sit On My Lap And I'll Give You a Candy Cane

WELLINGTON, New Zealand — A group of 40 people dressed in Santa Claus costumes, many of them drunk, rampaged through New Zealand's largest city, robbing stores and assaulting security guards, police said Sunday.

Alex Dyer, a spokesman for the group, said Santarchy was designed to protest the commercialization of Christmas.

It may seem like this is just a group of drunks trying to justify hooligan behavior, but considering that option B was to dress up some midgets as elves and sodomize them with a nutcracker, this is a peaceful demonstration by comparison.

(Yes, I'm aware this is my 2nd sodomy joke of the last few days. Yes, I'm aware that I need help. No, I do not intend to seek it.)

Tonight We're Gonna Party Like It's 1999

The Dodgers finally announced that they have signed Nomar Garciaparra to a one year contract worth $6 million with incentives that could push the value to $8 mil. The Dodgers are also expected to announce that they've signed Kenny Lofton to a contract to be the starting center fielder. Now all they need is to announce that they've discovered some sort of time machine that will turn back the clock at least 5 years and they'll really have something. Maybe they could talk Larry Walker out of retirement to play right, or move Garciaparra to the outfield and sign Frank Thomas to play first and complete the puzzle of 90s all-stars that have hit the wall? Between Nomar, JD Drew, and Kenny Lofton that's about 100 days on the DL. Maybe they can hire Leah Siwinski to be the team masseuse (old story, but I'd missed it) and keep everyone happy.

On the bright side, now that he's in LA, we can finally stop calling Garciaparra, "Nomah." Plus, Mia Hamm should be in attendance for some games; and while she certainly can't match Jose Lima's wife , it's certainly an upgrade over what Derek Lowe was bringing to the party.

Feelin' Like a Chump

Wow, I got bloodied and bruised today- much like the Dallas Cowboys. A perfect 0 for 4. Absolutely hideous. I can only hope that nobody actually read my picks before the games.

Here's the only thing I even remotely got right- Shawne Merriman did hit Manning on his first pass attempt, and it did set the tempo for the game. Great win for the Chargers, and huge play by Northern Illinois alum, Michael 'the burner' Turner. Unfortunately, looking at the Steelers and Jags schedule, it's going to take a miracle for San Diego to make it into the playoffs. But the Jags struggled against the Niners, so I guess anything's possible.

The Niners' loss combined with the Texans win sets up a showdown on the last week of the season. Loser gets the #1 pick. Assuming Alex Smith is still starting, I'm backpedaling from my previous statement and now putting the Niners as the frontrunner for that pick. It would set up an interesting situation. The Niners need a LOT of help, and while he's no Reggie Bush, they do have Frank Gore. There should be quite a few teams calling to move up for that #1 pick. Should they trade out of it to stockpile picks and talent? I say yes.

But what the hell do I know? I just put up a goose egg. If anyone is wondering what to get me for Christmas...well all of a sudden I find myself needing a little cash.

Desperation Time for Charger Fans

While every sportswriter is debating whether Indy should play or rest their starters, the entire betting universe will be teasing Indy with Seattle today. It looks like a safe bet to me. Anyone who thinks that the Colts aren't motivated for the perfect record has never watched Peyton Manning play football. The guy waves off the punting unit on 4th down and up 2 touchdowns; of course he wants this record. Still, I'm blindly hoping that the Chargers somehow pull off the upset. Unfortunately, Jammer vs Harrison is an absolute nightmare for the Bolts. Their only chance is for Shawne Merriman to put a late hit on Peyton after his first pass, causing Tony Dungy to hit the panic button and pull all his starters. I'm only half-joking.

Here are my picks for today:

Seattle -7 at Tennessee. Some books have this game at 7.5 or 8. Make sure you get the 7 point spread. I am tired of losing bets to garbage time scores (that means you Jacksonville). There was a time when the Titans were nearly unbeatable at home. But there was also a time when Britney Spears was one of the hottest women on the planet. Things change. It's true that Tennessee has 3 home wins this season, but they're against Baltimore, San Francisco, and Houston. If the Seahawks weren't due for a letdown, the final score on this one would be 55-3. But since they probably will relax a little, I'm expecting something more along the lines of 38-14.

Arizona -2 at Houston. If JJ Arrington actually gains more than 30 yards, then I will start to believe the conspiracy theorists who say the Texans are intentionally tanking their games. But even without a rushing game, Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin should rack up plenty of points. If it comes down to a field goal, the choices are Neil Rackers and Kris Brown, which is kind of like needing one final putt to win the PGA championship and the competitors are Tiger Woods and Jean Van De Velde.

Dallas +2 at Washington. The combination of Marion Barber and Julius Jones should wear down the Washington defense. This could be a blowout if Bledsoe doesn't turn the ball over and Roy Williams actually keeps Santana Moss from going deep. But those are two big ifs. Instead, I see this going down to the wire with Dallas pulling it out on a touchdown catch from Jason Witten.

Minnesota +4 vs Pittsburgh. I just wanted to see what it felt like to pick a home team for once. Feels good. It will feel a lot better if Michael Bennett is able to find some running lanes. It just feels like this year the Vikings are a team of Destiny...and Cinnamon...and Candi.
WOOHOO! I just became the last person to cave in and make a sex boat joke!

Where a Kid Can Be a Kid

I was at Chuck E. Cheese last night. (Don't worry, I do have a kid. I didn't drive my van out to the parking lot and look for strays.) Generally speaking, there are two groups at Chuck E Cheese. There are the families who are either celebrating a birthday and/or have grandparents in town, and then there are the parents who have been completely beaten down by their kids and just want to let them loose on someone else for a few hours. You can tell who they are right away- that's the group where the mom orders the Chablis with the crappy pizza. I was in the lesser seen third group of parents: the ones who mistakenly tell their kid, "you get to choose dinner tonight." It's easy to tell who we are because we have kids' footprints on our backs. Since I didn't see anyone wearing any "Come Lounge With Me" tshirts at Chucksters, I'll assume none of my loyal readers (or is it my one reader?) caught the scene last night. So here's the rundown:

Here's a quick way to assess the quality of the food you're about to order. If you're in a pseudo-restaurant and there's a giant stuffed rat walking around everywhere, it's a safe bet that Wolfgang Puck isn't in the back whipping up your meal...

All the employees walk around in a half daze with a look that says, "If you have a gun, please shoot me in the face right now." Well, all the employees except one- he's the guy that's been working there for 10 years since his junior year in high school. While everyone else is taking 10 minutes to sweep up a napkin, he's bouncing around everywhere. He's checking the skeeball to make sure each lane is working. He's reloading tickets into all the games. He's filling balloons with helium. And he's doing it all with a smile on his face. That's the guy you need to keep your kid away from...

No Milf sightings last night. Except for my wife, who was hit on while I was playing whack-a-mole with my son. Did the dude think she came to Chuck E Cheese by herself???

(By the way, if you do a google image search on the word "milf," don't expect your results to be pics of Denise Richards and Elle MacPherson. You couldn't find raunchier pics if you'd typed in "bisexual butt princesses" into the google engine. Good lawd.)

I was in the zone at the basketball shootout. If you were under the age of 10, you did not want to mess with me last night...

Depressing moment of the night: my back was sore after playing skeeball. Holy crap, I'm old...

They have a machine there that you feed your tickets into at the end of the night. It then counts them up and prints a receipt with your final tally. We had 78. While my wife and son were in line for the prizes, I played another round of hoops and collected 8 tickets. So I give that receipt to my wife who then presents both tickets to the chick working the prize counter. The counter chick pulls out a calculator to get the total. Let that be a cautionary tale to all the kids: if you can't add 78 and 8 in your head, you will end up working at Chuck E Cheese...

Sadly, 86 tickets were not enough to get a Continuum Transfunctioner. But at least I made it through the night without ordering the chablis...

Full Court Press

I was just wrapping up a thorough, moderately insightful breakdown of all the college hoops action from Saturday; and just a few seconds before I was to post it, the power went out on my block. Now all is lost, it's 5:45 am, and I don't feel like typing sh*t. So, I instead present an ADD version of the day in college basketball:

Tennessee 95, Texas 78. I guess last week's blowout at the hands of Duke wasn't a demonstration of how good Duke is, but rather exposed how overrated the Longhorns are. Daniel Gibson's concussion wasn't just bad, it was Troy Aikman bad. Could be a long, fuzzy season for him.

Kentucky 73, Louisville 61. Good time for the Wildcats to turn things around, since the game was being watched by the 2nd largest crowd ever at Rupp arena. They might have been able to draw the largest crowd in history if they'd removed the Adolph Rupp quote, "No Darkies" from the arena entrance.

UCLA 68, Michigan 61. Darren Collison is Cameron Dollar reincarnate, only with a better shooting touch. If I don't see Arron Afflalo's name on ESPN's next NBA draft preview, I'm cancelling my Insider subscription. What the hell is "Maize Rage?" Have you ever heard of someone getting so mad that they turn yellow? I know it's been awhile since Michigan fans have had something to cheer about at Crisler Arena, but you guys can do better than Maize Rage. That self-proclaimed monikor is so bad, Dick Vitale described it as "That's Ok" during the broadcast, which on his enthusiasm scale is about the same as a normal announcer pulling down his pants and taking a dump on the scorer's table. Well, I guess that wouldn't be so normal, but you get the point.

New Mexico 68, Oregon 61. You want to play in The Pit, Ducks? We'll show you what the real Pit is like. Oregon didn't travel with their cheerleaders and the basketball gods smote them for their transgression. The referees for this game were under the impression that everyone was tuning in to see them last night. Unfortunately the game was only on ESPN Gameplan, so maybe a dozen people saw the game.

Virginia Tech 59, Stanford 52. Everyone in the country- UC Irvine, UC Davis, Montana, and the Hokies- is taking their turn peeing on the tree. Sadly, UCLA will still find a way to lose by 40 to them.

Gonzaga 80, Virginia 69. I know that the Zags are the annual feel-good team, and it's nice for white fans to be able to root for a guy like Adam Morrison instead of the endless parade of pricks (Redick, Hurley, Laettner, Ferry) they roll out at Duke. Yes, Gonzaga is a solid team. But I have a feeling that they've already peaked while most of the other top teams are just beginning to find their rhythm and will continue to get stronger as the year goes on. So come March when you're filling out your brackets, nobody get crazy and advance Gonzaga into your final 4 or anything.

Is Somebody Cooking Fajitas?

Watts, Ryan. Fall 2005 report card. Math: D. Biology: F. Chemistry: F. Marksmanship: A-

Ryan Watts was terrified his father would find out about his bad grades at Santa Clara High School. So the 15-year-old shot and killed his dad, prosecutors said, and lit their house on fire.
Then he walked to Taco Bell for a couple of tacos.

Watts knew his father was scheduled to meet with his school counselors the following week.
He began to plan.
His father had a gun locker filled with weapons. Watts' grandfather had been a gunsmith, Overstreet said.
Watts took a handgun and cartridges from the safe and hid them in his bedroom.
Instead of going to school Monday, Watts took the loaded gun and a knife and hid in his back yard. Then he sneaked back inside, where he waited, listening outside of his fathers' closed bedroom door.
After several hours, he heard his father dial the telephone. Watts was convinced his father was calling the school and would find out about his grades. He burst into the bedroom. He shot his father in the neck and shoulder, then stepped closer and shot him in the head at close range.
His original plan was to bury his father's body in the back yard.
But his father was too heavy. Watts covered the body with sleeping bags, poured flammable liquid over them and other places in his house. He lit them all on fire.
Watts stashed the gun and went to Taco Bell. He ate two tacos and walked back home, hoping to find the place completely ablaze. But the fires had not engulfed the little home. So Watts called 911 and reported the fire.

A few Reactions:
Fellow students described Ryan as "a quiet, serious boy who kept to himself." Shocker. I know high school is all about the cliques, but you'd think that kids would learn and for the safety of all, elect the quiet kids to the student body government. Wouldn't you want Ryan as school treasurer if you saw this poster, "Vote for Ryan: Or He'll KILL SOMEONE!!!"...

So you've got a week to plan before your dad is going to find out about your grades- and this is what lil' Ryan comes up with: hide in backyard, shoot dad, bury him in the back yard. Then he can't get the body to the backyard nor can he get the entire house on fire?? Even when committing murder, he's a slacker. No wonder he was failing his classes!

If you'd just committed murder and might be facing a lifetime of jail, would you choose Taco Bell as your last meal in the outside world? I hope he at least got some sour cream with that.

And just a message to my son. If anything goes wrong, and you're worried how I'll react- there's nothing that can't be smoothed out over some Hooters wings.

Today's picks

Denver +4.5 at New Jersey. Marcus Camby isn't taking my calls, so I don't know if he's playing tonight. But Kenyon Martin will be motivated to put on a show in front of the New Jersey crowd. With Boykins out, Earl Watson is motivated to put on a show for any GMs who might be willing to rescue him from the end of Denver's bench. This season, Carmelo Anthony is showing his critics that he's legit. So I guess I'm saying expect a show from the Nuggets.

Milwaukee +3 at Boston. I don't think I've ever picked a Celtics game right against the spread. I'm due dammit! It's time for Dan Gadzuric to be "6 feet 11 inches of pure fury!"

KG Brought Out the Uzis

San Antonio 90, Minnesota 88. Holy crap, I actually called a game right...well, sorta. The Spurs would not have won without Michael Finley stepping it up (21 pts), but I thought the reason he'd be the difference is because Tim Duncan and Kevin Garnett would cancel each other out. But actually, KG made Timmy his bitch tonight. Garnett had 24 points, 21 boards, 6 assists and 4 blocks. Duncan shot 5-15 from the floor and only 3 of 7 from the line for 13 points. But the matchup was even more lopsided than the boxscore appears. KG smothered and intimidated Duncan defensively every time they were heads up. By the end of the game, Tim Duncan had that nervous, shameful look of someone who'd just been sodomized with a nightstick.

Fortunately for me, Garnett inexplicably spent a great portion of the 2nd quarter on the bench, during which the Spurs outscored the Wolves 25-8. I have no clue why Dwane Casey elected to hold KG out for so long, but I thank him.

Remember a few years ago when Shaq really, really struggled from the line, and whenever he stepped up for a free throw you could just see a look in his eyes that it was the last place on earth he wanted to be? Then he'd take about 20 seconds to shoot his free throw, gripping and regripping, double clutching the release, and finally shooting a line drive to the rim. Well that's exactly how Duncan looked tonight. I was fully expecting an airball from him at some point. He needs to fix that soon, or else teams will be employing the Punk-a-Dunc defense in the 4th qtr.

From the Department of Obvious Observations: The Spurs offense takes a major hit with Manu Ginobili out of the lineup. Manu is great at exploiting open lanes and using his elbows to get shots off in traffic. But with him out, the Spurs resort to dumping it inside to Duncan and then watching as Tim struggles to beat his man one-on-one. The only time the Spurs offense looked fluid tonight is when they ran a pick and roll w/ a combination of Parker/Finley or Parker/Horry. Unfortunately, they totally abaondoned that set in the 4th qtr. I don't think I'll be placing any more action on the Spurs until Manu is healthy.

Turnaround Story

I'm on a 5 game losing streak w/ hoops, but that won't stop me from throwing a lil' more cash out there. The Spurs are at Minnesota tonight. The Spurs have been off their past two games, losing to Atlanta and going to OT to the Clippers. Meanwhile, the Twolves have been off to a surprising good start. But I think tonight, the Spurs make a statement that they're still the top dog in the West. If I'm right, Michael Finley will be the key for the Spurs, both on offense and defense. If I lose this one, I'm going to have to seriously consider a gambling hiatus-- at least for hoops.

San Antonio -140 at Minnesota. C'mon Timmay!

The Nightly Buzz...

Tonight, I have the attention span of Kate Moss at Robert Downey Jr's Christmas party. So I apologize for the incoherence of this entry.

While grocery shopping today, there was a bottle of TGIF Long Island Iced Tea that for some reason was calling out to me. I'm not sure why that was- at last check, I did have a penis, and I wasn't expecting any college freshmen to drop by my house. But I bought the bottle anyway. Quick review: The first glass tastes like you drank some Kool Aid, threw it up into a glass, and then drank it again. The second glass tastes like lemonade mixed with goat piss. But the third glass...oh that third glass is like honeysuckle nectar...

Tho I didn't post it here, I had quite a bit of action on the NBA tonight. So my evening was spent watching NBA League Pass and ESPN- and breaking things around the house. The sportsbooks didn't just kick my ass. They kicked my ass, shot my dog, and stole my bible...

By the way, if any neighbors happen to come across this blog, I apologize for all of the obscenities you may have overheard. I just wasn't expecting this to be the night that the Clippers realized they were the Clippers...

ESPN's NBA shootaround crew is obviously trying to imitate the irreverance and spontanaity that's made the TNT team so successful. Other than having no charisma or sense of humor, they're dead on...

Overheard on ESPN: an announcer excusing a referee's error, "It looked so much like a travel that maybe it wasn't." Surprisingly Violet Palmer wasn't on duty that night...

Also, Bill Walton excusing a referee's error: "Obviously the referee had a much better angle than our half court camera."

It's too bad that the only ones that ever have to pay the price for NBA referees sucking are head coaches when they mention it. I know David Stern doesn't believe in admission of guilt, but the occasional censure of a referee might do something to add to the credibility of the game...

For some reason during a highlight of a Fred Jones dunk, Greg Anderson screamed, "Cashews!" If anyone can explain that to me, I'd be much obliged...

Tom Tolbert on Yao Ming, "When he gets the ball where he's comfortable and doesn't have to make an athletic-type move, he's almost unstoppable." That's what 75 million buys you these days. A guy that's money from 8 feet if uncontested. Franchise, baby...

Baron Davis w/ the first 9 points for the Warriors, including a reverse jam on an alley-oop that's sure to be SportsCenter's top plays. He followed that up by going behind the back off the dribble and then converting a sweet reverse layup. I now have a Dick Vitale basketball boner (a b-and-b-er) for Baron...and it's scintillating, sensational baby!...

Remember that one season in San Antonio when Derek Anderson was being hyped as an up-and-coming star in the league? How did that work out? He's a cautionary tale for Joe Johnson fans...

Steven A Smith reporting that as many as 17 teams are interested in Ron Artest. Let's see: the guy sabotaged his team one season, then abandoned it the next. And half the league wants him. Are Mitch Kupchak and Isaiah Thomas the role models for all the league's GMs now???

I'm starting the buzz now- Chauncey Billups for MVP. I know the Pistons have a ton of talent, but anytime the Pistons need a big play, Chauncey steps it up. Spread the word...

Can't remember if I've complained about this before, but I absolutely hate when the tv comes back from timeout with a shot of the cheerleaders dancing- only the chicks are covered up by ads. That's not the way to get my business, State Farm...

ESPN reporting that the University of Colorado has hired Dan Hawkins as their new football head coach. When asked for comment, Dan said, "Where the orgy at?"

Here's a lil' story about Mike Dunleavy: Mike Dunleavy sucks. End of story...

Tom Tolbert just outcoached Mike Montgomery on an inbounds play. That should be cause for dismissal right there. ..

Tolbert explaining Montgomery's coaching error: "Maybe it's harder than I think it is."

And of course, the Rockets beat the Warriors in OT and complete the shutout on my sports betting today. Time to finish that Iced Tea.

Atlanta Braves- The Insomniacs Team

The Atlanta Journal Constitution is reporting that Time Warner is considering putting the Atlanta Braves up for sale. The current value for the team is estimated to be somewhere around $380 million. But the Washington Nationals are going for $450 million, so the Braves pricetag will probably be at least that much.

This is just the opportunity sports bloggers have been waiting for. The cyberuniverse is filled with people who have no real insight into the game (such as myself) criticizing teams and players for how they do business. Now it's time to see if a blogger really does know better. On behalf of fans everywhere, I'm going to buy the Atlanta Braves. Now granted, I don't have a half billion in discretionary income. In fact, after DirecTv, beer, and strip club expenses, I'm lucky to have enough spending cash to get a McRib. So where will the $450 mil come from? GoogleAds of course! All I need is around 45 billion clicks, and the team is mine. Granted, this might be difficult with my current readership, which fluctuates between one and five. But that should increase once people know what my first act will be as owner of the Braves...

I will eliminate the Tomahawk Chop from all home games. It's an outdated, moderately insensitive, and worst of all, stolen chant. It needs to go.

So click away and tell a friend. And then the next time you're watching the Divisional Playoffs on Fox, you won't have to listen to "ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ohh, ohohoh...ohhhhhhh, ohh, ohohoh." You may still have to listen to Tim McCarver tho. I really have no control over that. Sorry.

Quick Hits From Tuesday Night

The night in brief:

DePaul 84, Wake Forest 81. And since Bill Rafferty wasn't available at the game, I'll say it for him: Sammy Mejia....ONIONS!!

Miami Heat 100, Chicago 97. Pat Riley is back, complete with the slicked back stockbroker's hair. Only this time, it's an odd combination of grey, black, and blonde. I believe in the Paul Mitchell catalog, that color is categorized as "hamster cock.".... Shaq is also back, and he's brought back the 30 pounds he'd left behind his last season in LA. I've got a feeling another toe injury isn't too far behind...

Atlanta Hawks 100, Cleveland 94. First they beat the Spurs, and now the Cavs. The strategy of betting the money line against the Hawks has just taken a very big hit. Note to anyone that reads my betting "tips" in this blog: I'm an idiot.

Speaking of bets, check out this ad for bodog.com (Not Safe For Work)

New Mexico 71, New Mexico St. 68 (OT). Lobos finding out that when your previous squad was a one man team, and you lose that one man...it makes for a very long year. (Take note, TWolves fans.)

Golden State 110, Seattle 107 (OT). Baron Davis was 6-17, but still took the game winning shot. If you give Baron Davis a shot at the end of regulation, he may not beat you. You give him another shot towards the end of OT, and he may or may not hit it. But give him that third shot, and he's money. In fact, I'll say it right now- Baron Davis is one of the best clutch shooters in the league...33% of the time.

By the way, in the postgame interview, Baron Davis described Derek Fisher as "instant offense." I guess when you spend a lot of minutes next to Mike Dunleavy, any change feels like instant offense.

Milton Bradley to the A's. Randy Moss and Milton Bradley both play in Oakland. A Warriors trade for Ron Artest can't be far behind...Upon which the entire city will be sealed off, much like Los Angeles in Predator 2.

Donovan McNabb Sends His Regrets

Like Terrell Owens, I am also inviting Jessica Simpson to my next birthday party. Like Terrell Owens' party, it's unlikely that Jessica Simpson will actually show.

However to noone's surprise, Freddie Mitchell was an early arrival. Freddie wasn't there so much to celebrate TO's birthday, as he was just in the area looking for shelter and free food.

From the missing chapter of "How to Win Friends and Influence People": put them in the presence of nearly naked women.
Scantily clad women wearing different colored No. 81 jerseys with question marks representing the team name provided some of the entertainment for the guests.
Was followed by these endorsements from former teammates:
"It's a wonderful event and I'm just showing some support," Kearse said. "He's a wonderful teammate."
"I would go to battle with T.O. any day of the week. A lot of people don't understand him," said former Eagles receiver Freddie Mitchell, one of early arrivals.

I'm glad they settled on the scantily clad hostesses for the entertainment. Drew Rosenhaus' plan was to have mimes circulating through the crowd...

Reunited and It Feels So Good

Old Cardinals never die. They become San Francisco Giants. Today the Giants signed Matt Morris to a 3 year, $27 million contract. The Giants' roster now boasts five former Cardinals: Morris, Mike Matheny, Steve Kline, Mark Sweeney, and Jeff Fassero- not exactly the Gashouse Gang, but I suppose it's better than trading for all of the old Dodgers.

Matt should send AJ Burnett a thank you card for raising the pricetage on overrated starters who vacillate between solid starts and two inning disasters. Morris' fastball rarely gets above the low 90's, and the past two seasons his ERA has been 4.72 and 4.11. He's also surrendered 57 homers in that time. But on the bright side for the Giants, a 14 win season from Morris, combined w/ Jason Schmidt's usual effort and young upstart Matt Cain could be just enough to win the NL West.

At the very least, the signing of Matt Morris helps the Giants' organization take the sting out of missing out on Doug Mirabelli's availability on the trading block.

I'm Not So Sure I Didn't Just Lose All of My Bets.

So, the only way I could lose my bet today was for the Jags to score a garbage time TD along with the two point conversion. So how surprised was I when that's exactly what happened? None. Not even one bit. I knew I'd used up my karma in last week's games. Today was some payback for the sportsbooks...

There weren't really any great moments in the Indy/Jax game, but there was a great moment amongst Dan Dierdorf's calls. He is the master of the double negative. There was this one after Peyton Manning tripped and fell during his 5 step drop:
Peyton Manning didn't just get up a little gingerly (actually he did). I'm not so sure that Peyton Manning didn't hurt himself.
Classic.

Not quite as memorable, but still noteworthy was this imagery:
Rashean Mathis bites on the double move. And I mean bites. If he was a bass, he'd be mounted on the wall.

You've got to love the commercials announcing the arrival of Dukes of Hazard on DVD. The ad basically says, "Look, we know the movie totally sucked, but check out these scenes with Jessica Simpson in a bikini...and it's in slow motion!" Sadly, that will probably be enough for me to put it on my Christmas list.

In the immortal words of Rosie Perez in White Man Can't Jump, "Sometimes when you win, you actually lose. And sometimes when you lose you actually win." That seemed to be the theme for the Texans/Titans matchup, as both teams vied for a chance at calling Reggie Bush's name in the draft. Each team kept trying to give the game away, culminating with Adam "Pacman" Jones getting a facemask personal foul with no time left on the clock, allowing the Texans an easy opportunity at a game-tying field goal. But Kris Brown refused to let the city of Houston down. He aimed for the pylon, and hooked it deep into the left corner of the endzone. It was such a big hook, I expected Rashean Mathis to come up flapping his tail at the end of it.

This sets up what should be a classic week 17 showdown between the Texans and Niners in the Bush bowl. Don't be surprised if each team's QB just runs backwards into the endzone on each snap. The Niners will win the game 114-112 when Alex Smith, "driving" to give Houston the tying score, trips at his own two as time expires.

It's definitely nervous time for Niners fans. Here are today's numbers for their franchise QB: 9/22, 77 yards, 1 Int. That's Leaf-esque (tho admittedly Ryan Leaf would have been able to get a few more INTs with 22 attempts). In 4 starts, Alex Smith has no TDs and 9 Ints. Note to the Niners brass: next time you're looking for a QB, you might want to go with a guy that actually has experience taking snaps under center. Just a thought.

I'm still pulling for the Chargers to squeak into the playoffs, but if you lose to the Dolphins at home this late in the season, you really don't deserve a playoff berth. As an aside, has any coach ever been elevated to "genius" status faster than Nick Saban? At least Brian Billick won a Super Bowl before he was handed the title. Shouldn't we at least wait for the team to crack the .500 barrier before we start molding his bust for the hall of fame?

Cowboys steal a game against the Chiefs. No doubt they were rewarded for the Santa's helper outfits the Cowboys' cheerleaders were wearing.

QBs I expect to get yanked in the next week or two: Marques Tuiasosopo (for Andrew Walter), Kyle Orton (for Rex Grossman), Steve McNair (for Billy Volek).

Gamblers Anonymous has now reduced their standard questionairre to one simple question. If you bet on or even just watched the Lions/Packers game, then you are in serious need of help.

Zen and the Art of Misogyny

From the LA Daily News :

Just for the record, Lakers coach Phil Jackson said Thursday he does not question forward Kwame Brown's manhood every time the two cross paths.
"The thing I do is that I meow when I go by him," Jackson said. "I don't call him a (sissy)."

Whew, Phil. That's a relief. You just meow huh? And we thought you called him a pussy. Our mistake. Sadly, this is actually an upgrade for Kwame Brown, as back in his Washington days, Michael Jordan used to repeatedly call him "faggot."

Here's some speculation on other motivational tactics for Kwame Brown:

...Phil could give him literature from Oprah's book club to read.

...Kurt Rambis makes the "diamond" sign with his hands anytime a play was called for Kwame (well, he could until Diamond Dallas Page sued him. )

...Kareem says "smells like sushi" everytime he works out with Kwame.

...Replace his jock strap with a maxipad.

...Have the PA system play, "I feel pretty. Oh so pretty," when Kwame is announced in the starting lineup.

Yup, before you know it, you'll have an all-star center on your hands. Either that, or a guy who goes through the locker room on a shooting spree.

Who Wants to Carry a lot of Baskets of Eggs Anyway?

It looks like the sportsbooks have finally gotten fed up with everyone winning money on the favorites. The oddsmakers have set double digit lines on 5 games this week, led by the Seahawks giving a whopping 16.5 points. Unfortunately, even getting two touchdowns in so many games, I'm still not tempted to take the points and an underdog. So instead, all of this week's NFL money is going towards one game:

Indianapolis -8.5 at Jacksonville. Do you remember the week leading up to the USC/UCLA game when all of the chatter spread that the Bruins could give USC trouble and this was a really dangerous game? The Trojans responded by giving UCLA a thorough beating- piling on points with glee, and even going for it on 4th down while up 40 points. I think the Colts are getting tired of hearing the same thing about Jacksonville. I wouldn't be surprised to see Peyton Manning go no-huddle with two minutes to play and the Colts up 20. The Jags only chance is to put pressure on Manning, which is something that no team has been able to do all year. Unless my Kenny Chesney plan works, this should be a rout...

As my boy (actually if he were my boy, I'd smack some sense into him), Lil' Ronnie would say:
16-0, Super Bowl bound
World Champions, cuz we bout to clown

...dropping knowledge from the southside of NAP, yo...

(thanks to the MightyMJD for the find)

Life's Just a Fantasy

My fantasy football league begins its playoffs this week where my team, "Deez Nuts" will be playing the role of the Jacksonville Jaguars- the team that is good enough to make it into the playoffs, but everyone knows they're getting knocked out in the first round. Nevertheless, I'll break down my chances in the opening round against my opponent, "Ice Dragon." In this league, each team starts 14 players: 2 QBs, 4 RBs, 4 WRs, 2 TEs, and 2Ks.

I'll start each breakdown by listing my starters in bold, followed by the opponent.

Quarterbacks: Tom Brady and Steve McNair vs Peyton and Eli Manning.
On paper, there's no way I'm winning this; but there are a few events that could propel me to victory. I've given Kenny Chesney a front row seat for the Jax/Indy game. His presence should distract and arouse Peyton to the point where he no longer looks downfield to Marvin Harrison, but rather just stares longingly into the stands... My second chance is even more remote- it involves Steve McNair, Mr. Miyagi, and a time machine.
Advantage: Ice

Runningbacks: Carnell Williams, Michael Bennett, DeShaun Foster, and Mike Anderson vs Chris Brown, Warrick Dunn, Ricky Williams, Samkon Gado.
DeShaun Foster not only holds a special place in my heart, but it appears that Steven Davis has some love to give too: "Number one, it's a guy I really care about ... all the other stuff don't matter. I just want him to go out there and be great." It took 3/4 of the season, but John Fox finally realized that Stephen Davis is D-U-N. Of course, Fox still draws up plays for Muhsin Muhammad, so this was actually quick recognition by his standards.... Carnell has proven that the problems with Cadillacs still haven't changed. They look pretty nice whenever they're actually on the road, but their mileage is terrible. Let's hope he's got enough in the tank for one full game....Here's a good indicator that your team is in for a long year: If your tailback is losing carries to Ron Dayne, it's a fairly safe bet that you'll be looking up at the rest of the league in the standings...Side note: my top paid RB, Corey Dillon, winner of the Grant Hill "how long does it take for an ankle to heal?" award, rides the pine again. Hands down the biggest disappointment of the season for me.
Advantage: Nuts

Wide Recievers: Muhsin Muhammad, Keenan McCardell, Justin McCareins, Devery Henderson vs Jerry Porter, Plaxico Burress, Larry Fitzgerald, Joe Jurevicius.
I shouldn't have bothered typing that out. That's just depressing. Now I know how Spencer Havner felt lined up across from Reggie Bush. Just hope that it's over fast, don't end up in a highlight film, and then forget the weekend ever happened...But if I want to grasp at straws- the Giants, Seahawks and Raiders are all playing in games that shouldn't feature too much passing. Unfortunately, I think Larry Fitzgerald can beat my team by himself.
Advantage: Ice

Tight Ends: Jason Witten and Alex Smith vs Dallas Clark and Steve Heiden.
The good news is that Jason Witten has been a very solid receiver for me this season. The bad news is that my best receiving threat is a tight end. Having Jason Witten as my best receiving pick is kind of like having a son that's a star athlete...but it's in soccer. I'm proud of him, but I'm not that proud.
Advantage: Nuts

Kickers: Rian Lindell and Rob Bironas vs Lawrence Tynes and Josh Brown. I drafted these two kickers with the thought that Buffalo and Tennessee were two of the sleeper offenses this season. I was almost right. It was more of a deep hibernation.
Advantage: Ice

I'm going to need a whole lot of breaks to go my way to have any chance at pulling off the win. A break to Larry Fitzgerald's leg, Plaxico Burress' ego, and Peyton Manning's heart would be a good start. Otherwise, it looks like the nuts will be out early this Christmas.

Temptation Island: NFL Fever

Amidst growing speculation that he would be a prime candidate for many NFL openings, Pete Carroll made it clear in an interview with ESPN radio that he has no intentions of leaving USC.

"I'm going to have the chance to recruit eight or nine first-round draft picks. In the NFL you can get one a year. So we're really excited about the place we are, I'm happy to be here."

Now, there's the chance that he's just saying this so that his players will stay focused leading up to the Rose Bowl, but I doubt it. All of the rumors of Carroll leaving for the NFL have been manufactured by sports radio hosts that have about as much inside information as I do. They all claim that Carroll would believe that he'd accomplished all he could in college and would want another opportunity to prove himself in the NFL.

But what is really so tempting about the NFL that it's worth giving up what he's got at USC? He already makes bank. He gets all the best players in the country to come to his school. He coaches a winter sport in sunny, Southern California. And he's on the sidelines next to the SC song girls every game. Why should he leave that to coach David Carr and the Houston Texans?

It would be like if you were married to a young runway model. And not only was she beautiful, but she was also a freak in bed, a gourmet cook, and her parents lived in another country. Then you're out with your woman at a club and you see a drunk, Asian pornstar at the bar. She then asks you to dance. While there might be some temptation because you've never nailed an Asian pornstar (in fact, the last time you were with a different woman, you threw up all over her), is it really worth leaving the prime-rib making, salad-tossing model for? Not really, unless you're also really, really drunk at the time.

By the way, I am hopeful that this makes me the first person to compare the Houston Texans to an Asian pornstar. It's such a proud moment for me.

Also, if you glance at the picture with this post, there are four USC cheerleaders looking at Pete Carroll like they either want to nail him or just did. That lucky, lucky bastard.

The Oracle Has Spoken

I received a message from a man who was not blind, tho he did work in an office with no windows:

"You seek a great fortune...And you will find a fortune- though it will not be the fortune you seek....But first, first you must travel a long and difficult road- a road fraught with peril and pregnant with adventure. You shall see things wonderful to tell. You shall see a nappy afro with an odd, ashy grey spot in its center. You shall see a white, second-rate forward who can't rebound be paid like an all-star. And oh so many startlements...But fear not the obstacles in your path, for Fate has vouchsafed your reward. And though the road may wind, and yea, your hearts grow weary, still shall ye foller the way, even unto your salvation."

In other words take the Pistons, -4.5 on the road.

God Works in Mysterious Ways.

As mentioned earlier in this space, one of my sad, sad vices is that I collect trading cards, primarily football and baseball. The other day on ebay, I purchased an Alex Smith rookie card for $10.45, which judging by his performance year to date I overpaid by $10.44. The seller of the item closed the description of the card with this message :

Happy bidding and please check out my other auctions. Thanks for looking and may God Bless You.

Upon paying for the item, I was then presented with the option to view other items for sale by this seller. I went ahead and clicked the link, and here's what else he has to offer. (Warning: May not be safe for work.)

Awesome HOT Honeys !!! In Thongs , G strings and Panties . VERY H@T !!!!!! I have collected these pics from many of my girlfriends and there friends and so on! They are all HOT , HOT , HOT babes and EXCELLENT photos!!! All clear on a CD . Paypal, Money Order or check-those sent by check will be held till check clears! Shipping is $3.99 for each CD Enjoy!!!
These pics are all 100% Clear .... You will not be disappointed at all . Please check the pictures out below . All are 100% real photos of my exgirlfriends and currant girlfriend .

God, you do hear my prayers. Thank you for blessing me with a CD filled with pics of either a) random amateur models that some dude is trying pass off as ex-girlfriends or b) betrayed women showing their booty.

You are thongtastic, oh Mighty One.

Top 25 Team Celebrates Reaching .500

The 25th ranked Arizona Wildcats held off a late rally by the Northern Arizona Lumberjacks to win 75-66 and improve their record to 3-3. They will next host St. Mary's on Saturday where they will likely win and climb higher in the rankings with a 4-3 record. Meanwhile, the Houston Cougars (3-1), who have beaten Arizona and LSU, are unranked.

I understand that reputation and preseason rankings have a lot to do with the polls at this point. I also realize that the NCAA Selection Committee will be an equalizer in March. But for some programs, a brief stint in the top 25 may very well be the highlight of the season. Bucknell is 5-1 with a win over Syracuse and unranked. Vanderbilt is 5-0 with wins over Oregon and Georgetown- also unranked. Why aren't they given a few weeks in the top 25 while the slow-starting perennial powerhouses are still finding their way?

I have no doubt that Arizona eventually will be worthy of being a top ranked team. Maybe it's just delaying the inevitable, but it would be nice to let some of these smaller programs have their day in the sun.

This post has been brought to you by Stuart Smalley.

Tis the Season for Giving

In an offseason in which GMs were throwing money at every free agent on the market like they were at a strip club on a Saturday night, the Rangers traded Alfonso Soriano to the Nationals for 3 average ballplayers- Brad Wilkerson, Termel Sledge, a minor leaguer- and a case of Shiner Bock. Soriano will likely earn around 10 million next year, and he'll be a free agent after that. But still, you'd expect more in return for a 30-30, 100 RBI guy. And if you're the Rangers and you have to trade Soriano for payroll reasons, at least get a solid pitcher, like John Patterson, in return. Not a guy whose marquee value is "Can play all three outfield positions." If that's all you want, I'm sure the Dodgers would have gladly include Ricky Ledee in any deal for Soriano.

In other incomprehensible trade news, the Padres traded Mark Loretta, who was the Pads best player in 2004, for Doug Mirabelli. Here was Kevin Towers' take on the trade:
"Doug Mirabelli is a veteran player with a lot of postseason experience who shores up our catching situation," said Padres executive vice president/general manager Kevin Towers. "We'd like to wish Mark Loretta the best of luck in the future, as he's been not only a great player on the field and in the clubhouse but a tremendous person in the San Diego community as well."
And here's what manager Bruce Bochy had to say:
"Well, Mark is a pro," Bochy said. "He's the consummate professional. He knows how to play the game. He plays both sides of the ball so well. He gives you great defense. He gives you great offense. He can do a lot of things with the bat: He can hit and run, get a double or hit some homers for you. He's just a pro. He's a ballplayer who knows how to play the game. He's a guy who's so fundamentally sound. He's going to help [Boston]."

...Wow that Mark Loretta sounds like a good guy to have on a ballclub. But I guess when you have a chance to land a career backup catcher whose primarily responsibility is catching knuckleballs, you have to make that move.

Half Man, Half Megalomaniac

Barry Bonds once complained that they don't make statues of black folk. Well I guess Barry never met Vince Carter's mom. After Vince Carter donated $2.5 mil to build a new gym for his old high school, his mother surprised some members of the school board by donating a statue of Vince to be put in front of the gymasium.

"There have been many students graduated from that school who have made wonderful contributions to their fellow man -- in science, health, theater. Where are their statues?" (board member) Conte asked.
She said statues should be erected by someone other than the subject's family in recognition of a "life of contribution."
"I think it sends the wrong message to students about what we value," Conte said of the Carter statue in a later interview. "I think we're saying we value you if you can make a lot of money, and that troubles me."

The board debated the issue, but ultimately decided to accept the statue, along with the 2.5 mil. I guess they decided that what really mattered is that 2.5 mil is a lot of money, and turning it down would be far more troubling than any of those values they were worried about.

What would have been more troubling, albeit appropriate, is if they'd gone with this Philip Hitchcock design for the statue. Regardless, the new Vince Carter statue is a fitting tribute. Carter is one of the games greatest jumpers, tho his level of commitment is flawed to say the least. And this statue will be a place for slackers to get high. Well done, Vince's mom.

Daddy Brought Out the Whoopin' Stick

The older I get, the more of a geek I become. One of my habits that I just can't shake despite my advancing age is that I'm a trading card collector. Yesterday, I picked up a box of Bowman Drafts and Prospects baseball cards. This set features players that were just drafted, many of whom are fresh out of high school. Of course, most of these players will never make it to the big leagues, but at this point optimism is high; and I can say things like, "Wow, this guy could be a future Hall of Famer. Just look at his stats from last year at Berkeley High School."

Some of the cards I pulled included the sons of Davey Johnson, Garth Iorg, and Dave LaRoche. This brought up the question: If there was an all-time Father/Son game, who would win? The condition is that for either the father or son to be eligible, both must have played in the major leagues. So even tho Roger Clemens' son is in the minors, Roger is not eligible for the game. Also, both members of the father/son tandem do not have to play in the game. So Pete Rose is in, but Pete Rose Jr. just watches from the stands (or maybe he slides into his old role as bat boy.)

Here are the rosters I came up with:

Pos: Fathers/Sons

1B George Sisler/Prince Fielder
2B Eddie Collins/Roberto Alomar
3B Pete Rose/Buddy Bell
SS Maury Wills/Dick Schofield
C Yogi Berra/Sandy Alomar Jr.
OF Ken Griffey Sr./Ken Griffey Jr.
OF Bobby Bonds/Barry Bonds
OF Tim Raines/Moises Alou
SP Mel Stottlemyre/Tony Armas Jr.
RP Joe Niekro/Robb Nenn
DH Cecil Fielder/Danny Tartabull
Bench Manny Mota/Jason Kendall

The managers by the way would be Connie Mack vs Terry Francona.

Felipe Alou, Hal McRae, and Jose Cruz all missed the cut on an overcrowded outfield for the Padres. In fact this entire team is stacked with Hall of Famers. Aside from Cecil Fielder, the lineup is tailored more towards run manufacturing rather than power, but with Maury Wills, Tim Raines, and Pete Rose, you can be sure they'll be taking that extra base. The only thing that could have made them more dominant would have been if Ted Williams' kid had been able to con his way into a major league at bat.

The kids have an impressive start to their lineup with Roberto Alomar, Moises Alou, Ken Griffey Jr. and Barry Bonds. But with Tony Armas Jr. as the starter, they'll need to score a ton of runs just to stay close, and the 6 through 9 hitters just won't get the job done. The Fathers beat this team like an ugly, illegitmate child. Final score 13-6.

Victoria's Dirty Little Secret...Now on TV!!!

With all apologies to Jim Murray, here are my notes on a scorecard from tonight's Victoria's Secret "Fashion Show."

Tyra Banks may be one of the most annoying women on the planet, but that is all forgotten when she starts to bounce down a catwalk. And the operative word is bounce.

Seen on a ticker posted in the changing room: "Be Elegant. Be Powerful. Be Strong." Screw that. Be hot. Be naked. It's just that easy.

Seal is one of the live performers. To the surprise of noone he sang, "Crazy." It was either sing that or that song from one of the Batman movies. He's married to Heidi Klum and making bank. Nobody since Chubby Checker has gotten as much mileage out of one song.

One of the Victoria's Secret executives just called Tyra Banks "The Michael Jordan of Runway Modelling." I guess that makes Heidi Klum the Scottie Pippen of Runway Modelling; and Adriana Lima is LeBron James.

In one routine, the models came out dressed as nutcrackers. Subtle.

Ricky Martin sang some manufactured song about moving and dancing. He's also sporting something between a Fauxhawk and a Mohawk. We'll call it a Mofo. Here's another Ricky Martin tidbit- he enjoys Golden Showers. Which is funny, because I always pegged him as a felching guy.

No woman has ever walked into my bedroom wearing wings, a bobby's helmet, or a feathered headress with her lingerie. I'm missing out.

CBS seemed very reluctant to show any ass shots when a model was wearing a thong. That was a major disappointment. The thong is the #1 reason for watching. Although I guess it was appropriate for the show to be one big tease.

Lastly, I know I was probably supposed to be sentimental during Tyra Banks' farewell scene. But instead I just found myself thinking things like, "She seems to be battling her weight. Someone should give her an AbFlex for a parting gift. Maybe she's the Wizards version of Michael Jordan. It's a good thing she's leaving now before it gets ugly."

The Loch Ness Monster and Robert Swift

Most of the time while flipping through DirecTV, there's the subconscious understanding that I'm really just trying to distract myself from life while I kill time and wait for the next day, when I'll start the cycle all over again. But every now and then, the surfing brings a special moment that actually enriches my life, lifts the spirits and makes me whole. I had such a moment tonight.

I was casually flipping through the NBA games, which had little significance to me since I had no action on tonight's slate. I happened upon the Sonics/Knicks game when I caught the rarest of sights. Robert Swift was going to the scorer's table to check into the game. This sighting put me in such an elite group of people- this was like catching a glimpse of Bigfoot. In fact, these were to be Swift's first minutes of the season. Here is what transpired once he walked on the court:

Knicks possession #1: Jerome James beats him on a spin move baseline and lays it in for a basket.

Knicks possession #2: Jerome James beats him on a spin move baseline for a layup that is blocked by help defenders.

Sonics possession #3: Swift misses a putback dunk, rattling it out of the rim.

Not only was it Swift's first minutes, but it was also the first time anyone needed help defense while guarding Jerome James. So much history. And I saw it all.

Wannabe Model Confuses Cheese for Snow

An 18 year old aspiring model in Memphis was at a man's house where she noticed what she thought was a large block of cocaine. So she did what anyone $7,900 in debt to her modelling agency would do: she attempted to hire a hitman to kill everyone in the house and take the coke. Unfortunately, there were a few flaws to her plan. The hitman she contacted was actually an undercover cop. And the bag of cocaine was actually filled with queso fresco, a cheese frequently used in Mexican dishes.

Judging by her picture, her first plan should have been to steal some ProActiv. Or at least some Neutrogena. Either that or practice sucking a coconut through a straw; otherwise nobody was going to book her as a model.

As for the mistake itself, I'm sure we can all relate. I remember when I was in high school, I mistook a student's Kit Kat for gold bouillon and sought out a classmate with a driver's license that could run her over repeatedly. So don't worry, Jessica...we've all been there.

Larry Brown is a Douche...The Continuing Series

In my daze from the Bruins getting waxed and then me taking out my frustrations on the sportsbooks the following Sunday, I missed this little bit of news: The Knicks signed Qyntel Woods and released Matt Barnes in the process. I thought Barnes had been a decent contributor to the Knicks, so I wondered why they'd let him go. I thought perhaps he was injured. I emailed an NBA outsider and got this response:

Not really. He was IR’d with “sore foot”, but it was just an excuse injury. The rumor mill says that Larry Brown was trying to foster a stronger sense of camaraderie in the locker room and that Matt just didn’t fit in and was a bit of a loner.

So he brought in Qyntel Woods to arrange dog fights in an effort to bring the team together.

This is my one complaint about LB. He’s a cantankerous bastid and as a result is able to bring out the best on other bastids (Iverson, Sheed, Coleman). However, he turns his back on the good guys he coaches (David Robinson, Danny Manning).

If you read LB’s bio, you find out his dad was a distant and verbally abusive bastid, so it’s really a sad case of propagation. Definitely not a John Wooden coach. It’s fun to hear Piston interviews this year, ‘cause every single one will include the player saying how much more fun it is to play this year. You can’t play sad!

Not much else to add to that. Barnes should catch on somewhere else, as he's a decent low-post contributor. I wish Larry Brown's dad had frequented strip clubs too, as that could have made for much better Knick cheerleaders.

Don't Touch the Stove...It's Too Hot

The clear winner from this year's baseball free agency is: The Agents. The dearth of actual talent has led GMs to overreach and overpay for whatever they can get. The Blue Jays just signed A.J. Burnett to a 5 year, $55 million contract. This is just after signing B.J. Ryan to a 5 year, $47 million contract. I'm really hoping that the Blue Jays corner the market on x.J. players and sign C.J. Nitkowski to a 5 year, $35 million contract. So far, the Blue Jays have committed $100 million for a starter that will win 12-15 games a year, and a slightly above average closer. Where was this money when Carlos Delgado was a free agent?Unless they've found a way to be transferred to the NL West, I don't see how this gets them any closer to winning the division.

quick picks from a Los Angeles hotel room

I haven't studied the NFL lines very closely this week, but I am typing this from a Holiday Inn Express right now...

Cincy +3 at Pittsburgh. Roethlisberger is off his game. Cincy is hitting their stride. Bengals should win outright.

Arizona -3 at San Francisco. Alex Smith is starting. That's all I needed to know.

Washington -3 at St. Louis. Simple math. Redskins defense > Texans defense.

All road teams again. Big surprise.

Bruin Still in Hibernation

I'm still in mourning over the UCLA ass-whoopin, so there isn't much to say. I'm just upset that the Bruins didn't put up more of a fight. I'm not talking about making the game closer. I'm talking about an actual fight. The opposing team goes for it on 4th down while up 40 points, and neither Leinart, Bush or Carroll are hit with a cheap shot? Someone's facemask should have been ripped off in that game. Inexcusable.

Lead Pipe Locks

I received some unsolicited insider's information on today's NBA slate. It wasn't an NBA insider, just the information provider happened to be inside at the time he sent the email. Good enough for me.


Milwaukee +7 at Washington. Joe Smith is out. Bobby Simmons is questionable with a sprained ankle. Michael Redd is questionable with a thigh bruise. So why pick the Bucks? Ummm...it must be because this opens the door for Andrew Bogut to have his coming out party. (Not in a gay Keith Urban way. More of a manly, Paul Hogan "I'm such a stud, I'll even bang Linda Kozlowski" kind of way). It's either that or my insider didn't read the injury reports.

Miami +4 at Sacramento. It's the return of White Chocolate to the Arco Arena where he'll be facing Mike Bibby, aka Dulce de Leche. In his last 7 games, J-Dub is averaging 18.9 points and 5.1 assists. Also in Miami's favor, Jason Kapono is shooting 54.2% from 3 point land this season, which would have some relevance if he ever played; but in his last 4 games he's played a total of 12 minutes. Peja is 3 for 17 in his last two games. Hopefully that slump will continue. If not, there's always the chance that Alonzo Mourning and Brad Miller will get into a brawl, leading to the entire Kings' bench coming onto the floor and being ejected from the game.

Cleveland -3 at Seattle. I'm a little concerned that with Lebron James in the arena, Ray Allen will decide to actually play hard tonight. Assuming those two cancel each other out, Cleveland should have the edge inside the paint. Wednesday, Primoz Brezec was able to score 21 on Nick Collison, so Zydrunas Ilgauskas should be able to pass the 20 point mark as well. The Sonics are also lazy rebounders, which should give Drew Gooden a chance to actually contribute to his team by working the glass. Cleveland usually does a good job beating up on the inferior teams to give themselves the impression of being an elite team. I think the trend continues and they win this game by double digits.

So I'm rooting for Zydrunas Ilgauskas, White Chocolate, and Crocodile Dundee tonight. Yeah, that's a good reason to stay home on a Friday night. Damn you, NBA League Pass!