If You Want to Cry, I'll Give You Something To Cry About

It's like my stepdad used to tell me whenever he ran out of beer: sometimes, you've just got to take a beating. So it's been for me the past week with my sports' picks. But rather than cry about it, I'll instead do the gentlemanly thing and honor those who bested me.

Congratulations to Kobe Bryant. With tonight's performance, you have made your mark in history as the best cross-dressing athlete ever to play basketball, destroying the previous claims of Dennis Rodman, Larry Johnson, and Scottie Pippen (pictured).

(By the way, to anyone thinking that the Lakers should have put Kobe in the game for the 4th to see if he could have scored 80: The last thing the Lakers need is for Kobe to believe that the coaches actually endorse him scoring all of the team's points.)

Congratulations to Nenad Krstic. Way to set the tempo for the game in which there were 18 missed free throws and I only needed two to fall to cover my over. You're the first Euro to make it in the NBA despite the fact that you CAN'T HIT A GODDAMN FREE THROW. You are the pride of Yugoslavia.

Congratulations to the Dallas Mavericks. It's a difficult feat to coordinate 10 individuals to crap themselves simultaneously. Honestly, it's something I never expected to see in my lifetime. But today, you showed the world that anything is possible if you believe. I just feel bad for the Staples Center employees that have to clean up all the streaks you left behind.

Finally, my apologies to The Oracle, which presented me with three picks (LAC over, Portland +13, Seattle Under) and I only picked one; and then went on my own for the second pick. Instead of going 2-1, I went 0-2. I shall never turn a deaf ear to your wisdom again.