Feeding My Gambling Addiction

Sorry this post didn't come earlier. The AC adaper on my laptop gave out today, and it was a little harder to find a matching replacement than I would have expected. Honestly Dell, is it too much to ask that just one of my computer's components last longer than a year before crapping out?

Anyway, I'm two bets into the football season, and I'm doing no worse than a flip of a coin. That alone is enough encouragement for me to keep on making uneducated picks. Let's see if I can mix in a home team somewhere.

Tennessee +6 at Cal

Cal may want revenge over last season's humiliating loss, but the reality is that Tennessee's defensive line will still be dominant and should cause Nate Longshore all kinds of problems. Erik Ainge had a breakout year in 2006, completing two-thirds of his passes, and as long as the pinky isn't an issue, he shouldn't have a problem against a Cal secondary that lost Daymeion Hughes to the draft. One thing going in Cal's factor is crowd noise. While Tennessee's fans usually travel well, they should all be in a complete state of shock after spending a day in Berkeley. I'm still having trouble imagining that scene. I've been racking my brain trying to come up with a parallel circumstance, but nothing matches the idea of this guy bumping into this guy.
Tennessee 28, Cal 27

Virginia Tech -28 vs East Carolina

Va Tech may struggle on offense a little bit early in the passing game, as it would be reasonable to expect their emotions to cause some erratic play. But the Hokies should be able to rely on Brandon Ore all game long (similar to the way OSU dominated with Yvenson Bernard Thursday). ECU head coach Skip Holtz hasn't announced who the starting QB will be, but whoever it is, he will be making his first collegiate start. Va Tech is not the team you want to be facing for your first time. That defense isn't the type of unit to be gentle in breaking a QB's cherry. No, it's going to hurt, and hurt a lot...and there's probably going to be some blood spilled when everything's over and done with.
Virginia Tech 32, East Carolina 0

Georgia Tech +2 at Notre Dame
Ok, I can't really make an educated guess on this since both teams are likely going to rotate two QBs, none of whom have started a game before. So instead, I'm just making this call as part of my vision that Notre Dame will start the season 0-8, losing to Ga Tech, Penn St, Michigan, Mich St, Purdue, UCLA, Boston College, and Navy before finally beating Air Force in November. It's a longshot, but a guy can dream, can't he?
Georgia Tech 23, Notre Dame 20

Wisconsin -14 vs Washington State
Washington State opened last season on the road to a powerhouse team (Auburn) and was demolished 40-14. This game has a similar feel. Tyler Donovan doesn't have much gametime experience at QB, but his only job will be to handle exchanges- first between he and the center, and then between he and PJ Hill. After that, he can just watch Hill run..and run..and run. Between this game, Cal v Tenn, and Arizona at BYU, the Pac-10 may have a lot of questions to answer about the true strength of their conference.
Wisconsin 45, Washington State 19

Georgia -6 vs Oklahoma State
Boone Pickens may have given the athletic fund $165 million to play with, but that doesn't mean they can suddenly buy the best talent in the country- not while USC is still in the trade. Yes, the Cowboys are getting better and they have a good offense; and it's also true that Georgia's offensive line is very, very young. But betting against Mark Richt in a home opener is a good way to lose money. (Is that really all I have to go on for this pick? Hmmm...how about these girls in Georgia gear? They're inspiring.)
Georgia 30, Oklahoma State 23

Stanford +17 vs UCLA
UCLA's defense should dominate this game. There's really no reason why this game should be close at all, unless Jim Harbaugh sneaks into a Cardinal jersey in the 4th quarter. But the last two trips to Palo Alto have not gone that well for the Bruins. In 2003, they lost at Stanford, 21-14 and summarily went on a season-ending five game losing streak. In 2005, an undefeated Bruins team narrowly escaped defeat, pulling off a miraculous 30-27 win. Unfortunately, the 8-0 Bruins then met an embarrasing defeat at the hands of Arizona, 52-14. The lesson in all of this is that unless you're a Stanford student and required to do so by the administration, there is no good reason to step foot on the Stanford campus. Ever.
UCLA 17, Stanford 16.

Season to date: 1-1.

(Update: 3:47 am. Just have to say that I've got that "little kid on Christmas Eve" feeling. I'm too excited to get any sleep. Kickoff can't come soon enough. Yes, I have problems. No, I still don't want any help.)

Bettors Are Liking The Taste of Les Miles Kool-Aid

The college football season commences today, which means we get treated to Lee Corso, Beano Cook, cheerleaders, and gambling. Lots and lots of gambling.

Tonight, LSU begins their quest for a national championship with a visit to Starkville, Mississippi to take on the Bulldogs. Last year in Baton Rouge, the Tigers beat MSU, 48-17, which while a convincing victory, actually wasn't enough to cover the 35 point spread. This year, the spread opened at 16.5 points, and gamblers have jumped all over that number and have pushed the line up to 20 points. That's a huge move in a week, so I'm looking at a possible contrarian play and taking the points. Problem is, there isn't really much to go on to support that bet. Here are the results in the series since Sylvester Croom took over in 2004:

2006: LSU 48, MSU 17
2005: LSU 37, MSU 7
2004: LSU 51, MSU 0

Ouch. Granted, two of those three games were on the road, and the Tigers did lose JaMarcus Russell, Dwayne Bowe, LaRon Landry, and Craig Davis, but there is still quite a bit of talent left for LSU. So while I want to take the points, I just can't do it. But I'd love to hear any arguments for MSU that could convince me otherwise. Until then, I'm going with:

LSU -20 at Mississippi State. (Random guess at a score, LSU 45, MSU 10)

Another intriguing game tonight is Utah at Oregon State. I like Yvenson Bernard, but I think the Beavers will struggle early in the season until they figure out who their quarterback is (going w/ a tandem today) and get some clarity on if and when Sammie Stroughter will return to the field. Utah will be running an option/spread offense with Brian Johnson returning at QB after missing all of 2006 with a knee injury. I think this game should be low scoring by Pac-10/Mtn West standards, so I'll take the points.

Utah +6.5 at Oregon State. (OSU 27, Utah 21)

Disclaimer: If anyone happened to be a reader over the last two years, you may know that my fatal flaw is that I take the road team way too much in college football. It was my undoing last year, resulting in me eventually taking a hiatus from gambling. That was a sad time. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like I learned from that experience. I did at least make sure to stock the fridge full of beer so I can drown my sorrows.

Good luck. Oh, and if anyone has any sportsbooks that they recommend, feel free to leave a message in the comments or send me an email. I promise not to forward it to the Feds.

Jennifer Walcott Would Like To Remind You: Stare, Don't Scare

I'd like to make a clarification to all of the young ladies on MySpace. If I happen to say, "I want to hit that," I am not suggesting an act of violence, but rather a brief, forgettable encounter which you probably won't even feel at all. Oh, and I'm not really best friends with Zach Efron. Sorry. Ok, now that that's been cleared up:

An Aurora man has been charged with cyberstalking for allegedly sending threatening e-mails to a former Playboy Playmate who is the girlfriend of Chicago Bears safety Adam Archuleta, authorities said.

Authorities said Diaz began sending threatening e-mails in April to Jennifer Walcott of Scottsdale, Ariz., with whom Archuleta is expecting a baby, Walcott's publicist said.

"He's just being verbally abusive and threatening her with bodily harm," Lt. Olsen said.

It's pretty easy to see why the guy would have targeted Jennifer Walcott, at least for the stalking part; not the violence. Not only does she have an incredible body (and in a few months, those boobs are going to be out of control) and a presence on a site that depends upon cyberstalking; but if you're going to go after a chick that already has a man, it's a pretty good call to make sure that man is Adam Archuleta . He can't hit anyone.

I Hope John Mellencamp Saved His Residual Checks

The 2006-07 NFL season left us with two indelible impressions: Peyton Manning removing the Steve Young Commemorative Monkey off his back and shipping it to Donovan McNabb, and Chevy and John Mellencamp's assault on America with their "This Is Our Country" campaign. This season, the Patriots and Colts are the preseason front-runners to raise the Lombardi trophy, but which commercial will be able to carry the torch as 30 seconds of interstitial water boarding? Here are the early contenders:

3. Coors Light - Fake Press Conferences

I was going back and forth between this Coors Light campaign and the "It turned blue!" ad that's been running for a few months now. (Seriously, are we really that retarded as a nation that we need color coded labeling to know when something in our refrigerator is cold? Don't answer that, Miss Teen South Carolina.) But the press conference ads get the nod for the sheer volume we can likely expect during the regular season. The ads were moderately entertaining last year when the Jim Mora "Playoffs" rant was featured, but as an ongoing concept, it runs out of steam pretty quickly. To make matters worse, this season's series includes Bill Parcells, who is made insufferable by his Berman-like smugness and misguided belief in his own wit. Now if only the ads were like this inspired parody, then maybe I'd give them another year. (audio NSFW)...


2. Heineken Draughtkeg - Robotic Refreshment

In case you haven't seen it, here's the ad:


Cyborg golden shower scenes may be commonplace in Japanese Anime, but I'm just not sure we're ready for it yet in the United States. Heck, NBC wasn't even willing to cast a hot actress to star in the remake of "Bionic Woman" (which is why it's doomed to failure), so we still obviously have quite a way to go in robot/human sexual relations.

1. Viagra - "Viva Viagra"

This is the landslide winner. It has both of the elements that Chevy used to drive us crazy - a song that you can't get out of your head no matter how hard you try, and a company that's willing to buy enough airtime that you're actually surprised when a commercial break passes during a game and you don't hear the commercial. If you've watched the NFL Network at all during the preseason, you've probably already seen this ad 50 times. But for those fortunate few who haven't seen it yet, be prepared this season for an onslaught from these guys:


Congrats, Viagra. You've established yourself as the drug guys reach for when they're having trouble getting it up for a circle jerk in an abandoned roadhouse. Honestly fellas, when it gets to that point, maybe it's just time to call off the fraternity reunions.

Fortunately, with Sunday Ticket, these ads will only be a nuisance during Sunday and Monday night football when there aren't alternative channels to flip to. But between these ads, Tony Kornheiser, and Tiki Barber, what a long six hours those will be.

Life Lessons From Bill Walton and MJD

While I miss the unadulterated, irreverent genius of www.mightymjd.com, the creator and madman, MJD, is still able to put together moments of brilliance in the sanitized environment of the AOL FanHouse. One such moment came from his recap of the Team USA matchup in the FIBA tournament versus Venezuela :

Being that this game has been a blowout since the opening tip, Bill Walton is going off on a tangent about Donaghy, Michael Vick, all the ridiculous things that have happened this summer in sports. He says, "Forty years ago when I was a teenager, we had the summer of love. This is the summer of madness!" And you know, he's right ... Sometimes, I think we'd all be better off if Bill Walton was in charge. Michael Vick makes dogs fight, and instead of outrage and protest and prison sentences, we'd just get like 100 people to show up at his house, each of them hug him, get him high, drop some LSD, explain that dogs are beautiful creatures, and then we'd pet them and give them Snausages, and when they went to sleep, we'd all just take our clothes off and see where the night takes us. It's a better way to do things.

MJD is a wise man. Not wise in the way that you'd ever want him near your children or setting public policy. But wise in a "he'd be a good guy to have sitting at the bar while you drink away your problems" kind of way. He's like King Solomon...if Solomon was belligerent and horny.

It's a Sad Day When An Athlete Has a Garage Sale

Lost in the midst of these trivial stories like a star athlete running an illegal, million dollar underground dog fighting operation or a steroid dealer giving names to the Mitchell investigation is a far greater travesty that has the potential to implode the culture of sports as we know it.

Athletes are having trouble holding on to their expensive toys.

Right now on Ebay, anyone with a half million burning a hole in their pocket can bid on David Ortiz's hand-built 2005 Mercedes Benz SL65 AMG. The 604 horsepower convertible only has 4,000 miles on it and will give you that clutch feeling every time you take the wheel. Ortiz actually stands to make a nice profit from the deal, as his cost was $240,000 and at the time of this writing, the highest bid is $465,300. Nevertheless, millionaire athletes are supposed to hoard luxury cars, not sell them. Since Ebay has switched to a more private system, I can't tell if the high bidder is "KobraKai04," but something tells me that right now, Bill Simmons is begging his publisher for an advance payment on his upcoming book.

If high-performance automobiles aren't your thing, perhaps I can interest you in Latrell Sprewell's yacht? The 70-foot, $1.5 million, Italian-built yacht has been repossessed after Sprewell's company, LSF Marine Holdings, was unable to keep up with the $10,322 monthly payments. I know, I know- it's hard to believe that Sprewell would make poor financial decisions, but it's true. Bargain hunters will be disappointed however, as documents indicate that he still has $1.3 million in principal remaining on the yacht, which was initially purchased in 2003. I had no idea you could buy a luxury item like this for somewhere in the neighborhood of 10% down. What mortgage broker do I have to choke to get terms like that?

Life is getting pretty tough for the professional athlete. It's no wonder so many are starting second businesses while still in their playing days. If in a few years, Yao Ming is found to be running a prostitution ring with young, Chinese refugees, you'll understand why. Those mansions don't pay for themselves.

Wild Wild West

Ok, I can accept that Japan is better than the United States at developing game shows, video games, and gentlemen's clubs. But baseball too?



We really need to step up our game. Maybe Carmen Electra could become a modern day Kissing Morgana or the Dodgers could invite the SC girls to games? Forget steroids, this is where baseball needs to focus its resources, and soon.

The Tubes Are All Clogged

Not a good start to the day. The server for my hosting company is acting up, and I also discovered that I have mice in my garage.

On the bright side once word got out about my rodent problem, the Angels immediately offered to buy my place.

I'll post again once DreamHost gets rid of its hiccups. Whenever that might be.

You're Watching the Game Anyway: Might As Well Get Paid

FootballGuys.com is hiring writers to recap NFL games for the 2007 season. The pay is $25 per recap, but the fringe benefit is that now you'll have the built in excuse that you have to stay home all day Sunday because it's your job. On the downside, unless you have multiple TVs in your room, you won't be able to flip around between games as much since the recaps require quite a bit of detail.

If interested, you'll need to recap a preseason game and send in an example of your work. More information can be found here.

Racist Umpires Endorse Mitt Romney For President

If you're a Republican Presidential hopeful and are looking for a place to get your name out to an audience of like-minded individuals who believe abortion should be banned, the war in Iraq is winnable, and gays aren't deserving of equal rights, then advertising with AOL seems like a logical choice. What you probably want to avoid however is blatantly aligning yourself with a headline that features claims of racism. Such was the unfortunate ad placement for former Massachusetts Governer and CEO of the 2002 Olympic Games, Mitt Romney, who found his campaign ad directly beneath an article at the AOL FanHouse which stated that white umpires tended to favor white pitchers.

Fortunately, the ad was only in that position for a few minutes until the umpire post was pushed down by one of Michael David Smith's finer spamming efforts (another rant for another time), so the ignominious association was short-lived.

Honestly tho, I guess the ad was effective because it got me to do something I probably wouldn't have ever bothered doing- research Mitt Romney. (Personally, I think Fred Thompson will be our next President if he chooses to run. This conclusion follows the axiom that the political candidate with the longest IMDB page gets the vote.) However if you're interested, here are a few of Romney's political stances (as stated by Wiki,) trnaslated into relatable sports scenarios.

If Mike Piazza and Curt Schilling wanted to pronounce their undying love for each other, they would not be afforded the opportunity to do so in a legally binding marriage contract.

Tank Johnson's weapons collection? Totally cool, as long as he's got ID for them.

Students at Indianapolis public schools cannot pray for the Lord to guide the Colts to victory once again.

When Willis McGahee gets another woman pregnant, he cannot offer her $5 million to get an abortion. Although if Romney is speaking to a group of Ravens fans, he may promise otherwise.

You know how on 3rd and long, Bill Parcells would always run the same damn draw play even though it never had a chance in hell of ever being effective? Same thing with Mitt Romney and Abstinence Education.

And I'm sorry to inform you that once Brett Favre retires, we cannot clone him to create another gun-slinging quarterback who just loves to play the game the way it's meant to be played. This is assuming he retires before the following election in 2012...

Eh, forget the issues. I'm going with the guy from Law and Order, In the Line of Fire, and Hunt for Red October. With that resume, the only guy that could possibly beat him is maybe Harrison Ford.

I Remember Kia Vaughn. She Was a Ho. Fo' Sho.

Don Imus has reached a settlement with CBS for an undisclosed sum (he was threatening to sue for $120 million) and now Rutgers center Kia Vaughn wants in on the action.

Vaughn is suing Imus for slander and defamation of character, claiming that she was "humiliated, embarrassed, and publicly mocked" by Don Imus's comment that the Rutgers basketball team was a bunch of "nappy-headed hos." I would have thought that being famous would have been a prerequisite for a defamation suit, but apparently it is not. What is required for slander however is that the statement be either expressly stated or implied to be factual. I'll admit that I'm not a Don Imus listener, but I guess the guy makes quite an impression, because according to the lawsuit:

"The ... false, defamatory, sexually denigrating and slanderous statements and comments against the women athletes of said basketball team were heard, believed and understood by millions of listeners ... as factual pronouncements concerning the character, chastity and reputation of the plaintiff."

Stupid me, I just thought it was an unfunny joke. But like I said, I'm not an Imus listener. And a factual pronouncement concerning her chastity because Imus used the word "ho?" Really. Even if you are dim-witted enough to believe that Imus was literally calling her a whore, wouldn't you have to realize it was facetious in light of its absurdity. I mean, a women's basketball player having sex with a man? Whoever heard of such a thing?!

It doesn't look like other people really took Imus' statements to be factual either. Kia is a member of the USA basketball team, and has an extensive bio and survey available. In it, I've learned that KIA stands for "Killer Instinct Always," she wants to play in the WNBA, and she's afraid of clowns. At no time does it mention her head's propensity to get nappy nor an inclination towards hoin' it up, so I guess Team USA didn't really think it impacted her character.

Now if they are somehow able to claim that this was presented as factual information, then it would also be incumbent upon them to prove the claim was false. This is where it could get fun, as the defense could call to the stand an expert witness in the field of hos- Snoop Dogg. During the fallout of the Imus situation, Snoop defended his use of the word "ho" by explaining that:

"We're talking about hos that's in the 'hood...that's trying to get a n**ga for his money."

Oh oh. So maybe his use of the word "ho" wasn't so far off, afterall.

To be fair, I should not be directing all of my ridicule towards Kia Vaughn for this lawsuit. She is afterall just a 20 year-old college student who is certainly susceptible to the sales-pitch of a greedy, fame-hungry lawyer. The lawyer in this case is Richard B. Ancowitz. Would it surprise you to learn that Mr. Ancowitz specializes in automotive litigation? I guess he was too busy chasing ambulances to have seen The People Vs Larry Flynt where we all learned that we enjoy certain 1st amendment protection when it comes to parody and absurd comments. I could write that Richard Ancowitz paid his way through the Brooklyn Law School by strangling hookers on video and selling the tapes on the black market and not be guilty of libel- because everyone knows that my snuff film collection doesn't go beyond 1990 and Mr. Ancowitz graduated from the Brooklyn Law School in 1982. So how could I possibly know? Whether he was making snuff films or hustling blowjobs on the corner of Court St. and Jorelemon...I really have no way of knowing with any degree of certainty.

On the bright side, if Vaughn does win this suit, then it establishes a precedent for Randy Moss v Joe Buck, Terrell Owens v Chris Berman, and Vince Young v Merrill Hoge. That could be highly entertaining.

Regular Programming Should Resume Shortly

I just got some good news that we should be discharged from the hospital later today, so hopefully I'll be able to resume my normal schedule tonight. Of course given my track record, "normal schedule" is mostly a hypothetical term.

The Nightcap

As I'm sure you know by now, the Pittsburgh Steelers named their mascot Steely McBeam. I think it's only fair that the ladies who grace this site also be given a name. Let's call them by my all-time favorite DirecTv compilation pay-per-view title: Chesty McHooters.
...

In what can only be described as a "miracle pull," a Columbus, Ohio man (who incongruously goes by 'Wolverine24') opened a pack of 2007 Topps Allen and Ginter's baseball cards and found a 1/1 Autographed Mother Teresa card, who I hear played a helluva rover for the Calcutta Lepers softball team. Now the blessed card is on Ebay, where it is currently fetching a price of $6099.99. Honestly, I think it's a steal at that or any price. Can't you just imagine meeting St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and he's making an accounting of your transgressions: "Let's see here. You gambled on football during the holy day. You stiffed that stripper 50 bux after getting lapdances all night long. I'm pretty sure you're drunk right now. Frankly, I don't know why you even bothered coming....wait, just a second? Is that the 1/1 Mother Teresa card? Holy H-E-double-you-know-what, I've been looking for that! What say you slip me that under my robe and we can get you right in. Loved ones are over to the right, virgins are on the left. Enjoy Eternity."
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According to LA Rag Mag (and really with a name like that, how could it not be reputable?), before Derek Jeter broke up with Jessica Alba, he gave her the gift that keeps on giving. Herpes. Even if it's true, the news is somewhat irrelevant, as it in no way reduces the willingness of a Yankees' fan to go down on either one of them in a New York minute. It would at least explain Alex Rodriguez's blue lips. That must be the tint on his cold sore cream.
...

Wow, I just sandwiched Mother Teresa between Chesty McHooters and Jessica Alba's fiery crotch. I'll bet even in Pope John Paul II wettest dream he wasn't able to accomplish that feat. I should just retire now, because I can't sink any lower than this.
...

Falcons fans, fear not. For Joey Harrington enters this season with a chip on his shoulder. Now if only he had a brain in his skull. Here's his new approach to the game:
"Screw you guys. I know what I need to do to be a good quarterback. In order for me to play well, I need to be a bit selfish. I need to tell myself, 'You know what? I'm going to throw that post route. And if it gets picked off, screw it. I'm going to throw the post route again, because I know it's open.'"

He's right tho. He does need to be more selfish. From now on, he needs to only throw the ball to people on his team, rather than his usual giving approach where he'd throw the ball up for grabs to anyone. So far, Joey Harrington has had to say "screw it" 77 times after picks versus saying "holy crap, I can't believe I actually threw a TD" only 72 times in his storied career.
...

In an absolute must read, ESPN recounts an interview with the entertaining and astonishing Pacman Jones. After insisting he's only been arrested twice despite police records to the contrary, he then clarifies that when he went to a strip club immediately before his hearing with Roger Goodell, it was just to grab a bite to eat. As he so eloquently put it:

"If I could do anything different, I wouldn't have went and gotten nothing to eat then. There wasn't even no girls in there."

I can't even convince people that I go to Hooters for the wings, and Pacman expects us to believe he just went to a strip club for the food. I know that deli prices in New York are outrageous, but c'mon now. Maybe it was just all just a bit of miscommunication. Maybe a friend called him up and asked if wanted to grab a pie, and Pacman misunderstood. That kind of thing can happen when you don't understand the lingo of a new city. I still remember the surprise I felt when I walked into a Thai massage parlor and spa in San Francisco and ordered the tossed salad. So maybe Pacman deserves a break.

Now the Giants Can Focus On Winning the West

(8/9: Much thanks to reader Jeff for pointing out that I shorted Dale Murphy 100 homers in my original post. The text has been corrected to reflect the 398 round trips he earned during his esteemed career.)

For anyone that has been stuck in the same cubicle for years only to be repeatedly passed over for promotion by the latest hotshot at the office, take solace in knowing that Pedro Gomez feels your pain. For three years, he was Barry Bonds shadow- giving ESPN viewers daily updates on Bonds' home run total, the inning he left the game, and what he had for lunch that day. Then, when Barry finally breaks the record, who does ESPN send out for the postgame interview with Bonds? Erin Andrews. That has gotta hurt. The network eventually went to Gomez later who was relegated to informing the viewer such vital information such as there were fireworks and confetti after Bonds launched 756. Poor Pedro Gomez has become the Cuban version of Milton from Office Space. If there's ever a giant fire at ESPN headquarters in Bristol, you'll know who to look for.

After all is said and done, my feelings are pretty much aligned with what Dale Murphy said yesterday: "The guy would have become one of the great ones, anyway. ... But now, he sucked the fun and the life right out of it." Tho for me, it wasn't the performance enhancers that ruined it for me - heck, anyone who's popped a Viagra before going up to their vegas hotel room with a few hookers can relate to reaching for an extra boost when it's available. It was just the fact that Bonds was a jerk throughout his career that made it impossible to root for him.

Honestly though, the biggest jerk through all of this has been Bud Selig. The commissioner almost destroys baseball by canceling the World Series in 1995. Then he looks the other way while Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa revive the game with their displays of power. But now that Bonds has broken the all-time record, he wants to act indignant? I know he wishes that Bonds had treated people better- we all do. But the surge in home runs is largely responsible for Selig still having a job. A job in which he collected $14 million this year. For that kind of cash, Selig should at least have the decency to say thank you.

On behalf of Dale Murphy, it should be noted that while he finished his career with only 398 home runs, as a devout Mormon, he wasn't allowed to have so much as a drop of caffeine before a game. Imagine if he'd even just had a friggin' can of Coke in the clubhouse. His home run total would have at least been 401, maybe 402.

I would like to thank Barry Bonds for one thing. At least he had the decency to hit his record-tying and record-breaking home runs in games where Chris Berman wasn't doing the play by play. You think the record is tainted now? Imagine if every time ESPN replayed the swing, you heard, "Back, back, back, back....gone! And for the 756th time, Barry has cashed in his Bonds!"

What's next for Barry? My guess is he should spend 2008 as the DH of the Devil Rays where he can etch his name amongst other Tampa Bay greats like Wade Boggs, Fred McGriff, and Jose Canseco. He'd be the perfect role model for Delmon Young.

I Wasn't Working That Hard Anyway

I'm taking a 3 day weekend. I highly recommend them.

See ya at the beach.

The Greatest Soccer Video Ever Made

I don't know if With Leather has posted this clip or not. But even if they have, I'm sure you won't mind a second viewing. Or a third...or a fourth.

Just be careful if you're at work. I know how bosses don't really like it when you actually appear to be happy at the office.



I would have actually watched the womens soccer league - on pay per view, even - if it had been more like that. Well at least the first 10 minutes of it. After that, I may have needed a sandwich and a nap.

YouTube Is The Godsend Of The Lazy Blogger

First there was Kareem Abdul Jabbar in Game of Death:



Then there was Shaquille O'Neal in Steel (video thankfully unavailable).

And now, making the transition from Big Man to Big Screen, here comes Sun Ming Ming:



Apropos of nothing, Chris Tucker reportedly was paid as much as $25 mil + 20% of the gross to make Rush Hour 3. Suddenly, ARod's contract demands of upwards of $30 million a season seem perfectly reasonable...