Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I Hope John Mellencamp Saved His Residual Checks

The 2006-07 NFL season left us with two indelible impressions: Peyton Manning removing the Steve Young Commemorative Monkey off his back and shipping it to Donovan McNabb, and Chevy and John Mellencamp's assault on America with their "This Is Our Country" campaign. This season, the Patriots and Colts are the preseason front-runners to raise the Lombardi trophy, but which commercial will be able to carry the torch as 30 seconds of interstitial water boarding? Here are the early contenders:

3. Coors Light - Fake Press Conferences

I was going back and forth between this Coors Light campaign and the "It turned blue!" ad that's been running for a few months now. (Seriously, are we really that retarded as a nation that we need color coded labeling to know when something in our refrigerator is cold? Don't answer that, Miss Teen South Carolina.) But the press conference ads get the nod for the sheer volume we can likely expect during the regular season. The ads were moderately entertaining last year when the Jim Mora "Playoffs" rant was featured, but as an ongoing concept, it runs out of steam pretty quickly. To make matters worse, this season's series includes Bill Parcells, who is made insufferable by his Berman-like smugness and misguided belief in his own wit. Now if only the ads were like this inspired parody, then maybe I'd give them another year. (audio NSFW)...

2. Heineken Draughtkeg - Robotic Refreshment

In case you haven't seen it, here's the ad:

Cyborg golden shower scenes may be commonplace in Japanese Anime, but I'm just not sure we're ready for it yet in the United States. Heck, NBC wasn't even willing to cast a hot actress to star in the remake of "Bionic Woman" (which is why it's doomed to failure), so we still obviously have quite a way to go in robot/human sexual relations.

1. Viagra - "Viva Viagra"

This is the landslide winner. It has both of the elements that Chevy used to drive us crazy - a song that you can't get out of your head no matter how hard you try, and a company that's willing to buy enough airtime that you're actually surprised when a commercial break passes during a game and you don't hear the commercial. If you've watched the NFL Network at all during the preseason, you've probably already seen this ad 50 times. But for those fortunate few who haven't seen it yet, be prepared this season for an onslaught from these guys:

Congrats, Viagra. You've established yourself as the drug guys reach for when they're having trouble getting it up for a circle jerk in an abandoned roadhouse. Honestly fellas, when it gets to that point, maybe it's just time to call off the fraternity reunions.

Fortunately, with Sunday Ticket, these ads will only be a nuisance during Sunday and Monday night football when there aren't alternative channels to flip to. But between these ads, Tony Kornheiser, and Tiki Barber, what a long six hours those will be.

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At Tue Aug 28, 10:22:00 AM PDT , Blogger Frank said...

i recall that you can joe never had a problem getting it up for your circle jerks with todd.

At Tue Aug 28, 12:10:00 PM PDT , Blogger insomniac said...

Don't ya hate it when you think of a witty retort, and in your excitement, you make a typo that transforms the entire thing into nonsense? I know I do.

At Tue Aug 28, 08:58:00 PM PDT , Blogger twins15 said...

LOL...good stuff. That Viagra commercial is pretty awful.

And I HATE that "It turned blue" commercial. Just horrendous.

At Wed Aug 29, 10:17:00 AM PDT , Blogger Frank said...



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