Thursday, May 31, 2007

The Nightcap - Allison's Family Continues to Stokke Internet Fire

Tonight's Nightcap is sponsored by Allison Stokke's drink of choice, Belvedere Vodka. Because when not trying to maintain those last few moments of innocence, it's always fun for an 18 year-old to party with her boyfriend, throw back a few shots, and chase it with some Coors Light. (Note: I'm just guessing on the can in her hand. It could very well be Diet Coke. Also the bottle doesn't appear to have been opened...yet.)

So let me get this straight- high school pole vaulter Allison Stokke is upset about all the attention she's receiving, so this Orange County girl's solution is to go to the Washington Post and Fox News with her story? If she really wanted anonymity, she should have granted Insomniac's Lounge an interview. I can promise her that my parents wouldn't have been adding her to their MySpace page immediately afterwards. Perhaps her feelings in the Post article are sincere, but if so, she's been badly misguided by her media savvy father. (He is an attorney who regularly defends people accused of rape and child molestation, so he's very familiar with using the media). The timing is odd too. It's the end of the school year. There won't be many meets between now and her college track season next spring, so this story would have dried up quickly as websites moved on to June's flavor of the month. She's in a peripheral (i.e., non-televised), seasonal sport, so unlike athletes like Michelle Wie and Maria Sharapova, her exposure is limited by the short duration of her sport. Even the peripheral athletes that overtly seek extra attention have a very short life span. When is the last time you saw Jennie Finch anywhere? Anyone remember high jumper Amy Acuff? If the Stokke family had just left the story alone, it would have run its course, and no one would have ever mentioned her again until perhaps the 2008 Summer Olympics. As it is, she's added an extra week or two to her lifespan.

Besides, she's going to Cal-Berkeley. By this time next year, she'll have stopped wearing makeup or shaving her armpits. I doubt many people will be fleecing her Facebook page for pics then.


A few other thoughts from the day in sports that really should be in their own posts, but that would mean coming up with some new headlines; and it's already almost 4 am, so screw it...

It's been about six hours since I've last checked the story, so I'm not sure where Kobe Bryant currently stands on his trade demands with the Lakers. Either way, it doesn't really matter. Kobe has no leverage on the issue, and Jerry Buss will stop drinking with hot 23 year-olds before he trades Kobe Bryant. At least that's the case this offseason. There is however one scenario in which I could forsee Bryant possibly leaving LA. If OJ Mayo totally blows up during his one season at USC, then I could see Buss trading Kobe to move up in the 2008 draft for the rights to the fellow Trojan (Buss received his PhD from and taught at USC). While he won't have the same cache as Kobe Bryant, "Juice Deuce" should still be a pretty good draw in Los Angeles. Combine him with whomever the Lakers draft from this deep 2007 class and you've suddenly built a decent nucleus to compete in the next generation's (Portland, Seattle) Western Conference...

Personally, I was much more offended by ARod's latest bush league move on the field in Toronto than I was by reports of him heading up to his Four Seasons hotel room with a stripper. I don't know what that says about me, and I probably don't want to know...

So for three weeks, I've been waiting for Tom Glavine to get closer to 300 wins, so I could post my well-researched (by my standards, at least) article about how he could very likely be the last pitcher to reach that magic number for the next 10 years, along with speculation of who that next 300 game winner might be. Then Wednesday afternoon, I walked past a newsstand and saw that very topic is the cover story for this week's Sporting News. Sonofab*tch! To all you bloggers out there, the lesson to take from this is to always post whatever is on your mind, no matter how hasty or pointless it might seem...

I've got another contest to share that I should probably be keeping for myself. Between now and June 3, you can enter on for the chance to win an all expense FunJet Vacation to Cozumel during the week of June 24-July 1. Putting the "fun" in FunJet is that those dates coincide with the Denver Broncos Cheerleaders calendar photoshoot, and the winner will be given the opportunity to attend one session of the shoot. While it's not explicitly stated in the rules, I assume the winner will also have to pass a lie detector test, as Mike Shanahan needs to know your true intentions before letting you go.

Oh, and if you happen to win but can't find anyone to gawk at Broncos Cheerleaders with ya....Lemme know.

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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

At Least We Got a Peak at Ashley's Judds

Hope you all had a nice weekend. If you actually went on vacation and were away from a tv, you didn't miss much in the sports world. If you want proof of just how slow it was, head over to the AOL FanHouse and you'll find that they were only able to come up with 50-100 filler articles over the three days, which is seemingly a tenth of their normal productivity. Seriously, not one article about a B list athlete's mundane holiday activities? (suggested story: "Jeff Garcia Likes Bratwurst On His Grill"). C'mon guys, step it up! (I kid, I kid.)

A few other reflections from the past couple days:

Manu Ginobili has turned flopping into an artform, much in the same way that a guy spreading his feces on a canvas has turned that into an artform. It was however poetic justice that Derek Fisher was the player victimized by Ginobili's antics since Fisher was the original small man to incorporate flopping as a legitimate defensive strategy.

While the Euros get most of the heat for all of the rampant flopping, I also put some of the blame on the NBA refs. There was a time in basketball where you would always hear an announcer say that the block vs charge foul was the most difficult call for a ref to make. Somewhere along the way, officials just decided "Screw it, it's too tough. Let's just call them all charges." While this Western Conference Final might not be very good immediate entertainment, hopefully it will be good for the long term health of the league, as these teams are forcing the NBA to find ways in the offseason to curb all of the flopping.

While you'd never know it by looking at his face, which looks like Droopy Dog in the episode where his mom had to be put down, Jeff Van Gundy has to be loving his gig as a commentator for ABC. He finally gets to criticize the officials all he wants, and rather than being fined 100 grand, he's collecting a check from ABC. Eat that, David Stern.

If the NBA wants to improve its ratings during what remains in the playoffs, might I suggest that the quasi-burlesque Pussycat Dolls actually remove some clothing during the commercial cutaways? Don't get me wrong, I like the "leaning over, pushing the boobs up beyond the neckline of the jersey tank" move they go with now. It's a timeless classic. But maybe to mix things up a bit, they could start out in warmups, then strip down to jerseys before halftime, and then either a tube top or an NBA Authentic bikini top for the 4th quarter . And if the game goes into overtime? Then, I guess they just hold two basketballs in front of their chest.

Switching over to baseball, since the 2003 season, MLB and ESPN have made the Red Sox-Yankees rivarly the preeminent storyline in the league. Now that the Yankees are quickly becoming irrelevant this season, does that mean that MLB is becoming irrelevant as well, or only ESPN's coverage of the league? More likely, ESPN will drag out the Yankees coverage for at least a few more weeks until Clemens gets a few starts, but after that, they'll need to shift gears and act like they've been following guys like Travis Hafner, Adrian Gonzalez, and JJ Hardy all season long. (In case you only get your MLB coverage from ESPN, those players are on the Indians, Padres, and Brewers respectively.)

Finally, while I missed the live coverage of the Indy 500, I did catch some of the photos from the event; and Ashley Judd can stand braless in the rain all she wants. It's hard for me to believe that she's already pushing 40. Some might say that she's getting too old to play the role of rabid fan. But if she doesn't have to grow up, then neither do I. And if she doesn't mind me enlarging these pics (click for larger version) to steal a glance at her nipples, then I don't mind that either, dammit!

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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

I Sure Do Miss Football

The New England Patriots Cheerleaders have released a few photos from their recent calendar photoshoot:

2008 is looking like a fantastic year for the Pats.

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Tony Romo Cordially Invites You to Party With Sluts

This video is almost a year old, but as far as I can tell, it's been flying under the radar. When it was first posted, I doubt many people had much interest in the third string QB of the Dallas Cowboys. But now that Tony Romo is a Pro Bowler, this clip becomes a little more relevant. And by relevant, I mean it gives me an excuse to post video of young women shaking their asses, making out and showing off their underwear.

(Romo only shows up at the 20 second mark and is on the clip for two whole seconds, but feel free to watch the clip in its entirety if you'd like)

Cowboys fans can only hope that Romo is the link back to the Dallas Dynasty. The days of offensive dominance, Super Bowl victories, and Ho's. Lots and lots of Ho's.

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The Nightcap - Celtics Fans Are Down For the Count

-"Dear ESPN Sports Gal,

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. If it's any consolation, lighting himself on fire is the way he always wanted to go. Like many others, I will choose to remember Bill for the times when he was actually funny. If you can find any consolation in the wake of these events, perhaps it is this: At least now, your daughter won't be forced to play in every single rec sports league because her father was disappointed that he didn't get a son.

Yup, I am his reader.

P.S. Would you happen to have an email address for any of the Page2 editors? I understand there's now an opening."

-While Celtics' fans might be upset about losing the opportunity to draft Greg Oden or Kevin Durant, not all is lost. There's still a chance that they could use the #5 pick on Spencer Hawes and give season ticket holders the young, white star they've been longing for. Maybe he can be the next Kevin McHale (the dominant big man version, not the franchise-killing front office guy).

-Immediately after the draft lottery, ESPN analyst Jon Barry said that Portland should trade away the most coveted #1 pick in years for veteran players because the Blazers do not need to get younger. Note to self: after building an empire with underground strip clubs and dog fights catering to athletes and then buying a NBA franchise with newfound fortune, do not hire Jon Barry as your GM.

-The Washington Redskins have issued a statement apologizing for the comments made by Clinton Portis which were dismissive of the allegations that Michael Vick is facing in connection with a dog fighting ring.

"The Washington Redskins, as an organization, obviously would never condone anything related to animal cruelty," the team's statement said.

I wonder how the organization would feel about endorsing anything related to genocide? Would the REDSKINS condone that?

-The Yankees are rushing Roger Clemens along and he may actually start for the Yankees next week against the Blue Jays. But after watching Mike Mussina pitch today, I think it's Roger Clemens' pharmacist that they really need the most.

-So, a few days after Jason Giambi says that baseball should apologize to the fans for its rampant use of steroids, it's somehow leaked to a NY Daily News reporter that Giambi failed an amphetamine test within the last year. Giambi should consider himself lucky. Bud Selig wanted to have the brake fluid drained from Giambi's car, but Donald Fehr was able negotiate a simple "uppers" violation.

-Giambi has said that whatever he did use, he didn't feel like it really helped him. He would have hit the homers anyway. So um...why did he keep taking it? Did he just like to start each day with a needle in the ass? That is like me saying that I'm pretty sure the women at the club would have slept with me anyway, but I just slipped the roofies in their drinks because I heard it was the thing to do.

-Speaking of ladies that I might need an added edge with, check out the Ultimate Fan Sweepstakes over at The grand prize is a set of tickets to two Dodgers home games with the opportunity to meet Alyssa Milano at one of the games. Ya know, maybe I'm selling myself short. She did date Carl Pavano afterall, so maybe she isn't the most discerning chick in town. That's my kind of girl.

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Monday, May 21, 2007

AVP Follow-Up; Eva Has Some Redeeming Qualities

Some pics of Eva Longoria from the Padres Contra El Cancer charity beach volleyball tournament have just surfaced online. After carefully reviewing these, I'd like to apologize to Tony Parker for questioning what he is doing marrying her. I still think he's foolish for giving up the rich, single life at age 25; and yeah, she does appear to be rather controlling. And ok, maybe once the makeup comes off, there's a dramatic decline. But as long as the view from behind looks this good...I understand.

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Beach Volleyball is Great For the Glutes

Sunday, I made my way down to Hermosa Beach to catch the final day of the AVP beach volleyball tournament. I'm not the most avid follower of beach volleyball, so I had a little bit to learn once I got there. What I learned most is just how much better life can be when you're drinking before noon. (Actually, I guess it was more of a refresher course.) But between stops at bars and picking up some free swag, I did manage to actually watch a few matches. In case you didn't catch the tape delayed broadcast on FSN, here's a very brief summary:

In the first semifinal in the women's division, it was Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor against two women who weren't quite camera ready by 9 am. Kerri Walsh showed great form throughout and led her team to victory.

Once in the finals, they continued to dominate, easily winning the title in two games, 21-15, 21-11. The win gave May-Treanor a record 73 wins on the tour. Other highlights from the day included an appearance by Eva Longoria in a celebrity match to benefit Padres Contra El Cancer that unfortunately was tarnished by the decision to give Carlos Mencia a mic and allow him to commentate during the match. (You won't believe this, but he spent the entire time making predictable, tired jokes utilizing Mexican stereotypes.) Fortunately, between the Cuervo Girls, the Bud Light Girls, and even Eva, there was plenty to keep a person distracted from the Bland of Mencia.

Apparently there was also a men's division competing throughout the day. But I somehow managed to miss that.

FYI, the next tour stop is this upcoming weekend in beach volleyball mecca, Louisville, Kentucky.

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All Animals Are Equal, But Some Animals Are More Equal Than Others

This weekend at Pimlico, horse racing enthusiasts and mentally imbalanced people across America all honored the memory and legacy of Barbaro, the horse that inspired a nation by living for eight months in pain after breaking down at The Preakness. The passion displayed for the fallen champion was both disturbing and bewildering, and perhaps even a bit endearing. No actually, I'm sticking with just disturbing and bewildering.

While Barbaro's fight for survival eventually came to an end, the compassion demonstrated by his followers certainly must have endured. So when just minutes after Barbaro's name was ceremonially honored at Pimlico, a five year-old stallion named Mending Fences broke down on the very same track, you would expect enthusiasts to embrace this fallen horse as a new life to fight for. A second chance to win the battle. There would be cards and letter sent to Mending Fences' hospital. Poems and dances would be composed in his name. His struggle would be our struggle, and together we would transcend any of the other petty differences that clutter our day - like actual human suffering.

Or maybe not.

"The horse was put down," Pimlico vice president Mike Gathagan said. A green screen was put up in front of the stallion to shield the procedure from a stunned crowd of more than 100,000.

I guess if you're a horse lover, survival is only worth the fight if you've got extremely valuable jizz.

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