Tuesday, August 26, 2008

So This Is What 27 Mil Buys These Days?

I'm a big fan of FireJoeMorgan.com, and I subscribe to the general notion that you shouldn't extrapolate too much out of a small sample size. However, this is happening so frequently lately, it's become a trend.

Entering their three game homestand with Boston, the Yankees trailed the Red Sox by five games for the Wild Card spot. If New York has any hope of making the playoffs, they need to win this series; and to win the series, they'll need some contributions from their $275 million man, Alex Rodriguez. So, how did Lexi do? Here's the breakdown:

1st inning- 2 out, nobody on: Strikes out looking.

3rd inning- 1 out, runner on first: 6-4-3 double play.

5th inning- 1 out, runners on first and second: Flies out to center.

7th inning- 1 out, bases loaded: 6-3 double play.

9th inning- 2 out, runner on first: Strikes out swinging, game over.

All totaled, that's an 0 for 5 with two strikeouts, two double plays, and seven runners left on base by Mr. Rodriguez. Oh, and he also had an error at third base for good measure. You might expect that kind of production if you're only paying Andruw Jones kind of money, but once you pass the 20 mil mark, you'd at least hope for a run scoring fielder's choice or something.

On the bright side for Yankees fans, at least you won't have to worry about ARod choking in October this season, since he and the rest of the team will be home,or touring with Madonna. But I don't think Yankees fans are ready for silver linings just yet. As one wrote earlier today, "I wish ARod was in Cory Lidle's plane." Of course, if he had been in the plane, it would have whiffed on the building.

Monday, August 25, 2008

My GM Skills Make Al Davis Look Like A Genius

I don't usually talk about fantasy football around here. Ok, I haven't talked about much of anything around here lately. Truth is, I'm more embarassed of the fact that I still play fantasy football than I am of my Latex Soccer Mom porn collection. But I'm going to make an exception in this instance because I think my plight will provide comfort to other struggling owners this season who can rest assured that their team can't possibly be worse than the one I put together.

The season hasn't even started, and yet mine is already over- kind of like the Dolphins and Ravens. Like those teams, I have no quarterback. Well, technically I have a QB on my roster. Unfortunately, his name is Matt Leinart, who I drafted despite the fact that Kurt Warner was already on someone else's roster. So, thanks to the fact that during my research, I overlooked the fact that Matt Leinart sucks, I'll be starting off the season with a giant zero in passing while watching Brenda Warner cheer her beard on from the stands. Excellent.

I should have heeded the warning provided by Cade McNown and Tim Couch, former first rounders who like Leinart, were more concerned about nailing playmates than playing football. Not that I can blame them when the playmate is Heather Kozar:

Meanwhile, my only hope is that Leinart's abyssmal performance over the weekend (4-12, 24 yards, 3 ints) was the result of discomfort from a bad herpes flare-up. He certainly had the pocket presence of someone with painful blisters around his shaft. Perhaps he'll feel better in a few days and look great in practice. Valtrex isn't on the league's list of banned substances, is it?

Speaking of fantasy football, I'm sure you've often wondered to yourself why there isn't a 90 minute documentary chronicling the wonders of fantasy football and its World of Warcraft-like hold on players across the country. Well, fortunately for America, such a documentary does exist. I can't say that I've made it all the way through it yet, but from what I can gather, it's kind of like a Michael Moore docudrama. Except in this one, the fat guys don't have a complete disdain for being alive.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Doo-Dah-Yoo, Michael Phelps?

I'll resume operations here in the Lounge tonight, but in the meantime, here is an image inspired by a reader at Awful Announcing:

One of these photos is of a creepy, wide-eyed creature with an annoying voice that chirps away incessantly. The other is a furby.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Do The Jets Have Some New Jersey Grifter In Them?

Once again, Brett Favre is a role model for the kids, reminding them that if you whine, pout, and stomp your feet long enough, you'll eventually get what you want. Or at least something close to it. Favre finally got his ticket out of Green Bay. Sure it's not to Minnesota or Tampa Bay, but at least it's for a fan base that's been looking for a savior at quarterback:

Or at least that's how things would appear. But can you really trust a team that calls itself New York, but plays in New Jersey? The trade between the Jets and Packers only involves a very conditional draft pick. If Favre doesn't play more than half of the snaps for the Jets, then they only surrender a fourth round pick. Surely, Minnesota would have been willing to give up close to a 2nd round pick which would become a 1st rounder if the Vikings go to the Super Bowl. The Packers wouldn't make that deal with Vikings because they're division rivals, but now that Favre is in the Jets' control, what's to prevent NY/NJ from making the deal? They would essentially be spinning a 4th round pick into a 2nd and maybe a 1st rounder just for playing a role that most Jersey-folk are well acquainted with: the middle man.

It certainly would add some spice to the Vikings-Packers rivalry if they were able to manipulate the Favre situation in such a way. Of course, I admit this far-fetched. It's far more likely that the Jets will start 0-2 with Favre, the NY media will jump all over #4, and Brett will publicly doubt his decision to play again this season and consider re-retiring midseason. Have fun with that, Jets fans. Although, I suppose it's still better than having to watch Kellen Clemens or Chad Pennington for an entire season.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Baseball Cards Are Worth A Few Dead Presidents

It's been a few years since I collected baseball cards, but with the recent sale of a T-206 Honus Wagner card for $1.62 million, my interest in trading cards was briefly rekindled. Since virtually every neighborhood card shop has closed down, the easiest way to find out what's going on in the hobby is to check out Ebay. So what's the trend now? Autographed cards? Game-used memorabilia? Gum that doesn't crumble when you chew it?

How about hairs from dead creatures?

A few weeks ago, Topps released the 2008 Allen & Ginter set and a few of the big ticket items have already been put on Ebay. There are Chase Utley, Joba Chamberlain, and Evan Longoria cards, but the most popular card available right now is a Woolly Mammoth card:

Yup, those are actual strands of hair from a Woolly Mammoth. Now all you need is to team up with a few ambitious Japanese scientists, and you could be the only guy on the block with a pet mammoth. (Or if you continue to team with the Japanese, you could make the mother of all monster-alien-porn flicks.)

Yesterday, a card with a strand of hair from Abraham Lincoln sold for $8,800. If the person who won that bid also gets the mammoth, they could take over the world. Abraham Lincoln riding a giant woolly mammoth? Now that would be an unstoppable force.

Irony Sure Can Be Ironic Sometimes

Over the weekend, Carolina Panthers head coach John Fox made the bold move of suspending his gamebreaker Steve Smith for two games despite being on the coaching hot seat. Or at least I think he did. But check out this screen grab (click image to enlarge) from SI.com made by a Saints fan when the news broke:

Notice the Reebok ad over to the right? That is none other than superstar #89 showing off his jab. Could this all be an intricate viral marketing campaign by Reebok? I haven't seen any video- maybe the fight never happened at all? Maybe Reebok just threw a couple mil at Smith, Fox, and Ken Lucas to stage an altercation, so that fans will think that if they want to sucker punch someone to the ground, they should train with Reebok gear.

I just don't know what to believe anymore.

Not Exactly My Idea Of A Road Trip

I know it's been awhile since I posted. Despite what you may have heard from Ed Werder, I am not contemplating an offer of two dollars and fifty cents to stay away from the blogosphere forever.

In actuality, I've been spending the last week in the hospital with my son. He's on the mend now, but as you can see by the photo, things were pretty bad for a little while. I mean, that's a Peyton Manning jersey he's wearing for god's sake!