Monday, August 25, 2008

My GM Skills Make Al Davis Look Like A Genius

I don't usually talk about fantasy football around here. Ok, I haven't talked about much of anything around here lately. Truth is, I'm more embarassed of the fact that I still play fantasy football than I am of my Latex Soccer Mom porn collection. But I'm going to make an exception in this instance because I think my plight will provide comfort to other struggling owners this season who can rest assured that their team can't possibly be worse than the one I put together.

The season hasn't even started, and yet mine is already over- kind of like the Dolphins and Ravens. Like those teams, I have no quarterback. Well, technically I have a QB on my roster. Unfortunately, his name is Matt Leinart, who I drafted despite the fact that Kurt Warner was already on someone else's roster. So, thanks to the fact that during my research, I overlooked the fact that Matt Leinart sucks, I'll be starting off the season with a giant zero in passing while watching Brenda Warner cheer her beard on from the stands. Excellent.

I should have heeded the warning provided by Cade McNown and Tim Couch, former first rounders who like Leinart, were more concerned about nailing playmates than playing football. Not that I can blame them when the playmate is Heather Kozar:

Meanwhile, my only hope is that Leinart's abyssmal performance over the weekend (4-12, 24 yards, 3 ints) was the result of discomfort from a bad herpes flare-up. He certainly had the pocket presence of someone with painful blisters around his shaft. Perhaps he'll feel better in a few days and look great in practice. Valtrex isn't on the league's list of banned substances, is it?

Speaking of fantasy football, I'm sure you've often wondered to yourself why there isn't a 90 minute documentary chronicling the wonders of fantasy football and its World of Warcraft-like hold on players across the country. Well, fortunately for America, such a documentary does exist. I can't say that I've made it all the way through it yet, but from what I can gather, it's kind of like a Michael Moore docudrama. Except in this one, the fat guys don't have a complete disdain for being alive.


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