Life's Just a Fantasy

My fantasy football league begins its playoffs this week where my team, "Deez Nuts" will be playing the role of the Jacksonville Jaguars- the team that is good enough to make it into the playoffs, but everyone knows they're getting knocked out in the first round. Nevertheless, I'll break down my chances in the opening round against my opponent, "Ice Dragon." In this league, each team starts 14 players: 2 QBs, 4 RBs, 4 WRs, 2 TEs, and 2Ks.

I'll start each breakdown by listing my starters in bold, followed by the opponent.

Quarterbacks: Tom Brady and Steve McNair vs Peyton and Eli Manning.
On paper, there's no way I'm winning this; but there are a few events that could propel me to victory. I've given Kenny Chesney a front row seat for the Jax/Indy game. His presence should distract and arouse Peyton to the point where he no longer looks downfield to Marvin Harrison, but rather just stares longingly into the stands... My second chance is even more remote- it involves Steve McNair, Mr. Miyagi, and a time machine.
Advantage: Ice

Runningbacks: Carnell Williams, Michael Bennett, DeShaun Foster, and Mike Anderson vs Chris Brown, Warrick Dunn, Ricky Williams, Samkon Gado.
DeShaun Foster not only holds a special place in my heart, but it appears that Steven Davis has some love to give too: "Number one, it's a guy I really care about ... all the other stuff don't matter. I just want him to go out there and be great." It took 3/4 of the season, but John Fox finally realized that Stephen Davis is D-U-N. Of course, Fox still draws up plays for Muhsin Muhammad, so this was actually quick recognition by his standards.... Carnell has proven that the problems with Cadillacs still haven't changed. They look pretty nice whenever they're actually on the road, but their mileage is terrible. Let's hope he's got enough in the tank for one full game....Here's a good indicator that your team is in for a long year: If your tailback is losing carries to Ron Dayne, it's a fairly safe bet that you'll be looking up at the rest of the league in the standings...Side note: my top paid RB, Corey Dillon, winner of the Grant Hill "how long does it take for an ankle to heal?" award, rides the pine again. Hands down the biggest disappointment of the season for me.
Advantage: Nuts

Wide Recievers: Muhsin Muhammad, Keenan McCardell, Justin McCareins, Devery Henderson vs Jerry Porter, Plaxico Burress, Larry Fitzgerald, Joe Jurevicius.
I shouldn't have bothered typing that out. That's just depressing. Now I know how Spencer Havner felt lined up across from Reggie Bush. Just hope that it's over fast, don't end up in a highlight film, and then forget the weekend ever happened...But if I want to grasp at straws- the Giants, Seahawks and Raiders are all playing in games that shouldn't feature too much passing. Unfortunately, I think Larry Fitzgerald can beat my team by himself.
Advantage: Ice

Tight Ends: Jason Witten and Alex Smith vs Dallas Clark and Steve Heiden.
The good news is that Jason Witten has been a very solid receiver for me this season. The bad news is that my best receiving threat is a tight end. Having Jason Witten as my best receiving pick is kind of like having a son that's a star athlete...but it's in soccer. I'm proud of him, but I'm not that proud.
Advantage: Nuts

Kickers: Rian Lindell and Rob Bironas vs Lawrence Tynes and Josh Brown. I drafted these two kickers with the thought that Buffalo and Tennessee were two of the sleeper offenses this season. I was almost right. It was more of a deep hibernation.
Advantage: Ice

I'm going to need a whole lot of breaks to go my way to have any chance at pulling off the win. A break to Larry Fitzgerald's leg, Plaxico Burress' ego, and Peyton Manning's heart would be a good start. Otherwise, it looks like the nuts will be out early this Christmas.