Jeff Fisher- You Coulda Been A Bum, Instead Of A Fallen Contender, Which Is What You Are

I want to write a recap of Sunday's NFL action. I truly do. But my brain won't allow me because all of its neurons have been permanently stained by this image:



Really, coach? Your team is 0-2 with its season on the line, and that's what you roll out to the sidelines with? That's the look of a leader that's going to direct his team to victory? That looks like the kind of shirt you'd find in the Slightly Defective section of a Wal-Mart...in Tijuana. That looks like something my grandad would wear (minus the pants, of course) while sitting in a recliner with a can of Schlitz in his hand. I don't want to run through a wall for that guy. I'm barely able to motivate myself to listen to his stories in hopes that I can make it in his will. I can't remember anything else about the game or the final score, but I know at first glimpse that the guy in that picture most definitely lost.

I understand that it was a throwback day and choices were limited. And yeah, it's a little strange to wear a throwback to remind a city that you stole their team (are the Ravens going to wear Browns uniforms later this season*?). But still, if that's what the league wants you to do, then how about this look:



Now, that's throwback. Dress like that and you can beat anyone. Well, anyone but the Steelers.


(Jeff Fisher photo credit: Bill Kostroun/AP via espn.com)

(*joke credit: Adam Rank)

Tim Floyd Is Mad As Hell And He's Not Gonna Take It Anymore

This past Thursday in Tempe, UCLA's attempt at a comeback victory was wiped away when a potential go ahead basket by Darren Collinson in the last minute was ruled a charge, despite the fact that ASU's Jeff Pendergraph clearly stuck out his hip. Video evidence below (ignore the chicken wing by Collinson that the refs also missed):




Tonight it was USC's turn to experience the Sun Devils' home court mojo when Daniel Hackett drove into the lane in an attempt to cut the lead to three, only to find himself being undercut by a sliding defender. One official was prepared to call the block but was overruled by David Hall, the overzealous head official, at the baseline. Rather then confer amongst themselves to make sure the call was correct, the refs went the alternative method of "most demonstrative call wins" and stayed with the charge call. Tim Floyd then responded in typical Floyd fashion, by subtly expressing his displeasure with the call:



It should be noted that while both games were in Tempe, it was a different officiating crew for each game. You've got to hand it to Pac 10 refs- at least they're consistent in their calls. Unfortunately for basketball fans, they're consistently awful.

Well, Vols Fans: Lane Kiffin Is Your Future. Might As Well Pretend To Like It

...and there's really only one thing to do:


The SEC has established itself as the place where failed NFL head coaches go to resurrect their careers. It started with Rich Brooks at Kentucky and has continued with Steve Spurrier at South Carolina, Nick Saban at Alabama, and Bobby Petrino at Arkansas. (Rod Marinelli may want to look for real estate in Starkville.) Later today, that tradition will continue as the University of Tennessee is expected to formally announce that Lane Kiffin will be the new head coach of the Volunteers.

I know what Vols fans are thinking. "Really? That's the best we could do? I thought we were players in the world of college football. Couldn't we get a bigger name than this?" I'm familiar with this response because it's the same thing that UCLA fans went through when they learned that Rick Neuheisel would be their next head coach. (Coincidentally, they thought those concerns were assuaged when Neuheisel's Bruins beat Tennessee; but in hindsight, that victory was more about the deterioration of the Tennessee program rather than the elevation of UCLA's.) However once Kiffin is formally introduced in Knoxville, Tennessee fans can no longer express frustration over the absence of an elite candidate. Instead, they must follow in the footsteps of Bruins fans and convince themselves that this was the head coach their program needed all along. To help expedite this process, here are a few of the familiar talking points that Tennessee fans may wish to learn:

The program was headed in the wrong direction. We needed a coach with a completely different style.
For the Bruins, they needed to replace stoicism with enthusiasm. As for the Vols, they had gone 29-21 over their last four years- a far cry from the 45-5 record they amassed under Fulmer from 1995-98. Obviously, the team no longer responded to the elder statesman. He needed to be replaced with youth. At 33, Kiffin fits the bill. He'll be the youngest coach in the NCAA, and he'll get the Vols to play happy and play hard.

Sure their last job may have ended poorly, but looking beyond that, the new coach has enjoyed success in the past.
Neuheisel was fired for not getting along with the AD at Washington, but not before winning a Rose Bowl as their head coach (tho primarily with Jim Lambright's players). Kiffin was fired by Al Davis for insubordination. However prior to that, he had helped guide USC to a Rose Bowl victory (albeit with Pete Carroll's players).

We're not just getting a new head coach. We're getting some great assistant coaches too.
The Kiffin hiring is rumored to be a family deal, with papa Monte coming along to coach the defense at Tennessee. Ed Orgeron is also thought to be part of the new staff. At UCLA, Neuheisel was able to persuade DeWayne Walker to stay and convince QB guru Norm Chow to lead the offense. Of course, even legendary coaches have their limitations. With his NFL background, Monte Kiffin won't be as familiar coaching against the spread formations that are run at Florida; and Norm Chow has difficulties mentoring a quarterback who doesn't discriminate against jersey color when he's lobbing the ball downfield.

Ok, he may not have been the fan's first choice, but the AD seems to know what he's doing in other sports.
Bruce Pearl. Ben Howland. Both, excellent hires. Both great at helping fans keep their minds off of what's happened to their football program.

Even if things don't work out right away, we can still head to the stadium on gameday, throw back a few beers with friends and scream our lungs out for a few hours. It still beats spending the day at home.
This is the only cogent argument in the group.

Best of luck, Tennessee. And hey, if things don't work out with Kiffin, maybe you can hire Peyton Manning in a couple of years. I have a feeling he'll be ready for the coaching biz pretty soon.

UCLA Football is the Land of the Misfits

After an exhaustive search which included such names as "Jim Harbaugh's brother," "that guy from Temple," and "the guy that plays the coach in Friday Night Lights," UCLA has finally found themselves a head coach:



The Neuheisel hiring makes sense. In Westwood, the most important event of the year is March Madness. Might as well have a football coach that feels the same way.

It's Starting To Smell Like Old Tuna Around Here

Congratulations, Miami- the man who in his most recent draft selected Bobby Carpenter, Anthony Fasano, Jason Hatcher and Skyler Green with his first four picks is now doing the grocery shopping for your ballclub. Hold on. He hasn't changed his mind yet, has he? Maybe Mort can give us the scoop on this one? Mort? Mort?... I think Mort has hung himself with one of Chris Berman's ties.

But this hiring isn't bad news for everyone. Keyshawn Johnson now has a spot waiting at wide receiver again (you'll know it's true when he denies it on tv). Maurice Carthon can get his old coordinator job back (maybe even head coach!), even if he doesn't know how to "coordinate," per se. This also works out for the Dallas Cowboys, as they are now looking to sign Richie Anderson so they can package him with Terry Glenn and Jason Ferguson as part of an offseason deal for Miami's #1 overall pick. If Parcells were to agree to give up the #1 pick to Dallas so they could acquire Darren McFadden, it would be the 2nd best contribution he'll have made to the organization. The best thing he did for that team was leaving it.

The good news for Dolphins fans is that this team has nowhere to go but up. If they're really lucky, maybe Parcells can somehow convince Scott Pioli (his son in-law) to leave the Patriots and join him in Miami. This would have a double impact of giving Miami a really good personnel guy while weakening their conference rival. Heck, maybe Miami can get New England's "videographer" too?

Parcells' tenure in Miami should play out in one of two ways. The likely scenario is that Miami continues to struggle for the next two years, and Parcells retires once again, citing health reasons or a need to spend time with his family. But if Miami actually shows a substantial improvement over the next two years and appears to be on the brink of being a bona fide contender, then expect Parcells to fire whoever the head coach is so that he can assume the reins of the team just as they're peaking.

In other words, he'll do exactly what Pat Riley did with that other Miami team.

Sorry Miami, but I think can consider yourselves sucked.

Caption Contest

Last night, I went to Pauley Pavilion to see UCLA take on the mighty Coyotes of Cal State San Bernardino. While there, I was struck by the juxtaposition of seeing Ben Howland and John Wooden on one sideline and Steve Lavin on the other. I snapped this pic while Lavin was espousing his wisdom to an ESPN colleague:




This pic is in need of a caption. A few suggestions:

"Steve Lavin impresses the ladies by showing off his championship rings."

"Lavin's tongue is purely cosmetic, as he does all of his talking out of his ass."

"Sayeth the Lizard: 'And this was the signal I used to tell the team to just run around like it was a pickup game and you were all meeting for the first time.' "

Your suggestions?

UCLA May Now Begin Auditions for a New Head Coach

So much for my impromptu vacation. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in...

Without a doubt, the big winners this weekend were UCLA football fans. Sure, right now they might be filled with anger and shame, but that embarassing, pathetic loss to Notre Dame was actually a blessing for their program. That defeat combined with USC's loss erased any possibility that Karl Dorrell could save his job beyond this season. With Dorrell, the program was destined for perpetual mediocrity. At least now, there's hope for the future. Message to Chris Peterson: I'm sure you're happy at Boise State, but UCLA isn't a bad place to be either. Ok, the Rose Bowl doesn't come with blue turf, but on the plus side, the campus is just a few miles down Sunset from the Church of Scientology headquarters. Think about it. What would Xenu do???

It would be a convenient excuse for Karl Dorrell to highlight the fact that he was playing the majority of the Notre Dame game with his 3rd string QB, a walk-on freshman with little experience (or discernible talent). Unfortunately for Captain Karl, Stanford managed to beat #2 USC in the LA Coliseum with a sophomore QB, Tavita Pritchard. Pritchard had only thrown three collegiate passes entering the game, and yet Jim Harbaugh was able to coach him up to the extent that he pulled off the greatest upset in college football history (at least in terms of point spreads). For any UCLA fans reading this blog, "coaching" is a term used in sports to describe the development of skills under the tutelage of a team leader or coach. I know it's been a foreign concept around this time of year in Westwood, but believe it or not, other programs actually perform this miracle with regularity.

By the way, Michigan fans would like Jim Harbaugh to know that they aren't really all that upset about those disparaging comments you made regarding the Michigan athletic department. Water under the bridge. And if you'd like to coach Michigan after Lloyd Carr is shown the door, why that would be just dandy. Tho it may take Wolverine fans a little while to get used to the possibility of actually winning some big games...

The polls would have been very interesting if LSU hadn't managed to put together a very impressive come from behind victory over Florida. Who would have been #1 this week if LSU had lost- Ohio State or idle Cal? The Golden Bears were the higher ranked team the previous week, and this week are still ahead of the Buckeyes by 27 points in the AP poll. But I'm finding it very difficult to believe that voters would have actually been able to pencil in Cal as the #1 team in the land. It would be far more comfortable for writers to go with the ol' Big Ten standby, OSU, don't ya think?

BCS organizers have to be getting concerned about the gradual rise of South Florida in the polls. Now at #5, the Bulls have to be considered a legitimate threat in the national title hunt. Granted, they still have to play Rutgers, Louisville and a very good Cincinnati team, so there's still a ways to go; but a championship game between LSU and South Florida isn't outside the realm of possibility. Maybe that's the way to finally get a playoff system implemented- put an overmatched, unknown team with little national following in the championship game to kill ratings. That would have to get the BCS scrambling for a change, wouldn't it? Go Bulls!

No offense intended towards USF head coach, Jim Leavitt. If you'd like to come to UCLA, the Bruins would be more than happy to have your services as well.

Steve Lavin's Deal With the Devil Has Yet to Expire

(Thanks to BruinsNation for first coming across this story...)

What is the penalty handed down by the Fates for wreaking havoc upon the fans of a storied athletic program for seven years and then using that experience to wreak havoc on sports fans everywhere by becoming a cliche factory for ESPN? Apparently, it's a crap load of cash, a luxury home and smoking hot wife. Sometimes life pisses me off.

Former UCLA head coach Steve Lavin is looking to buy a home in Brentwood or Coronoa del Mar, and as such, has put his Newport Beach home up for sale. The 4 bedroom, 4 1/2 bath home is being listed for $3,995,000. According to the listing, the home located at 1906 Port Bristol (note: I've included the address for informational purposes only. I'd hate to see anyone use this for anything untoward.) features real distressed timbers, hand molded clay roof tiles, custom wrought iron work, and Venetian plaster. Although rumor has it that while it has all of the individual components of a landmark home, Lavin was never able to piece it together into even one of the final four best houses in the neighborhood, and most brokers would annually barely put it within the top 16.

While not listed in the brochure, other features are likely to include:

- Unused, like new, custom built trophy room.
- All bathrooms equipped with hair gel dispensers.
- Wine cellar filled with unopened bottles of champagne.
- Walk-in closets big enough to hold 200 pit-stained dress shirts.

One photo from the listing shows that the bonus room was decorated with a card table. How great would it be to sit down at a poker table with Steve Lavin? You could give him every ace in the deck, and still get him to fold before the showdown.

Presumably, Lavin is selling now so he'll have time to get another home for his new wife, actress Mary Ann Jarou (pictured), who according to Neiman Marcus, he will be marrying August 17. Looking at her picture, it's obvious that Lavin still has a knack for courtship, tho it will be interesting to see how successful the marriage itself will be.

Bruin Nation's UCLA Class of 86 has his own prediction:

She's a good recruit for Steve Lavin, but four years from now she will leave him, looking disheveled and disoriented, wondering why she wasted her time with a guy who promised her the moon and only delivered cheese.

Meanwhile, fellow BN contributor Meriones has a good feel for the statement Lavin will release to the press following their divorce:

"You know, marriage is a marathon, not a sprint (1) . There's always a lot of give and take (2), and sometimes people don't always see eye-to-eye (3). In the end, there was nothing wrong with her, it was me (4). We just drifted apart (5). I will always love her (6) and we've decided that we will still remain friends (7). They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce (8) and we gave it our best shot (9), but we just couldn't overcome the odds (10). Overall, though, I wish her nothing but the best (11) and she deserves someone who can truly make her happy (12)."

Brilliant stuff, guys. That was so funny, it made me cry. Or maybe it was just remembering the Lavin era that brought on the tears. Either way, nice work.