Jeff Fisher- You Coulda Been A Bum, Instead Of A Fallen Contender, Which Is What You Are

I want to write a recap of Sunday's NFL action. I truly do. But my brain won't allow me because all of its neurons have been permanently stained by this image:



Really, coach? Your team is 0-2 with its season on the line, and that's what you roll out to the sidelines with? That's the look of a leader that's going to direct his team to victory? That looks like the kind of shirt you'd find in the Slightly Defective section of a Wal-Mart...in Tijuana. That looks like something my grandad would wear (minus the pants, of course) while sitting in a recliner with a can of Schlitz in his hand. I don't want to run through a wall for that guy. I'm barely able to motivate myself to listen to his stories in hopes that I can make it in his will. I can't remember anything else about the game or the final score, but I know at first glimpse that the guy in that picture most definitely lost.

I understand that it was a throwback day and choices were limited. And yeah, it's a little strange to wear a throwback to remind a city that you stole their team (are the Ravens going to wear Browns uniforms later this season*?). But still, if that's what the league wants you to do, then how about this look:



Now, that's throwback. Dress like that and you can beat anyone. Well, anyone but the Steelers.


(Jeff Fisher photo credit: Bill Kostroun/AP via espn.com)

(*joke credit: Adam Rank)

College Roundup: Big Upsets Are The Talk Of The Town

While many people count unpredictability as one of college football's most appealing traits, there are some things that you can rely upon as certainties each season. As sure as the leaves changing colors and Brent Musberger referencing point spreads, you can depend on an overhyped Cal Bears team to collapse as soon as they're placed in a showcase game. They are the Pac-10's version of the Clemson Tigers- a team that is perenially listed among the 'sleepers' that are ready for a breakout season and is given a boost by those same writers into the AP top 10. And yet, just as soon as their fans start thinking that maybe this year will be different than other years, the team falls apart in epic fashion. This year, it was the Oregon Ducks that had the honors, demolishing Cal, 42-3, in a game that the Bears had given up on by halftime. Now, their exposure as a fraud will somehow be used to indict the entire Pac-10 as being overrated, even tho it was another Pac-10 team that took Cal down. Ahhh, such are the joys of investing so much emotion in a sport that determines its champion via popularity contest.

Cal wasn't the only highly ranked team to go down in defeat this weekend. College fans around the country once again owe Iowa a huge debt of gratitude for sparing a weary nation from a Penn State appearance in a National Championship game. Hopefully, we can go another year without having to watch a Big 10 team roll over in a BCS title game. Unfortunately, fans can't rest too easily just yet, as so many top 10 teams already have a "1" in the loss column that a team that lost early, Ohio State, could sneak back into things.

Another one loss team whose BCS dreams have been revitalized is the Notre Dame Fighting Holtzes, who rallied to beat Purdue in a rare game in which Charlie Weis wasn't the worst coach in the stadium. That honor went to Purdue head man Danny Hope who upon seeing a frenzied Notre Dame scurrying to the line to spike the ball, opted to call a timeout to save their opponent a down and give them an opportunity to draw up two plays to win the game. When Notre Dame is cashing their BCS check for 17 mil, they should be sure to send something nice over to West Lafayette.

Miami went into Blacksburg and showed that they aren't quite back to being "Tha U" just yet. But it wasn't really much of a shocker, because I don't think people really expected them to return to elite status in one year. This kind of thing is a process. To put it in terms that Miami fans will understand: it's like when your players are runnin' trains on coeds. At first, maybe they can snag a coed in a quad somewhere. Start playing better, and they might just get one will go into the lobby with you. That's about where they're at right now. But they'll get to that 7th floor. Just give them time.

Elsewhere in the state of Florida, Gator fans briefly feared the worst when football Messiah, Tim Tebow, was laying motionless on the turf after receiving a blow to the back of his head at the end of a vicious sack. Tebow now finds himself in a hospital bed, but football announcers across the country expect him to rise again in three days.

Tiki Barber Tucks Tail Between Legs, Conducts Interviews

Watching this video, I imagine Tiki had to be thinking the entire time: "NBC had to send me to cover this game? Really? Anyone watching the Today show at 7 am on a Monday doesn't care about the Super Bowl anyway. Couldn't you have sent Triumph the Insult Comic Dog instead?"

Meanwhile, his teammates are for the most part being understated in their answers so as not to rub in the fact that Tiki abandoned this team, but you know they're going to break out into laughter the moment the cameras are turned off.

Half the League's Fans Can Go Ahead and Give Up Hope Now

The NFL has to be happy that the Giants-Cowboys shootout was the last impression left on football fans Sunday. Hopefully the scoring bonanza will help erase the memory that up to that point, the games were noteworthy mostly for their pathetic offense. Over half (15) of the teams that have played thus far in week 1 have scored no more than one offensive touchdown, including six offenses that never reached the end zone. The Seattle Mariners outscored 10 teams today. The one silver lining to all of this offensive ineptitude is that maybe Fantasy Football will lose some of its popularity, and people will turn their focus on purer reasons to watch football games, such as gambling...

Today's games lacked continuity and direction, and so shall this post. A few observations:

Vince Young has thrown for under 100 yards in four of his career starts. Amazingly, he is 3-1 in those games...

More random stats: Marc Bulger averaged 3.97 yards per passing attempt. LaDanian Tomlinson averaged 1.47 yards per carry. LaDanian Tomlinson has more TD passes than Brett Favre. Mario Williams has more TDs than Reggie Bush...

Bigger upset over the weekend: South Florida over Auburn, South Carolina over Georgia, or Bonnie Bernstein looking better than Erin Andrews? Bonnie looks like she spent the offseason hitting the gym with Eddie "Guns" Hochuli. Meanwhile, even Jenna Jameson thinks Erin needs to eat something...

If you put together the rosters of the Cleveland Browns, Kansas City Chiefs, and Tampa Buccaneers, would you be able to produce a team that was capable of winning half of its games?

Brandon Jacobs set a goal for himself of 1500 yards rushing this season. If his injury is as bad as it looked, he's going to end up just 1,474 yards short of that goal...

Other impactful injuries: Orlando Pace, possibly gone for the year; Jason Ferguson, out for the year; Jon Jansen, likely out for the year; Lito Sheppard, sprained knee- MRI scheduled; Eli Manning, bruised labia.

In a few years, we will be wondering how Adrian Peterson slipped down to #7 overall in the 2007 draft in the same way that we now look at LaDanian Tomlinson slipping to #5 in the 2001 draft. Interestingly, in both years, Cleveland and Arizona had the opportunity to select the difference-making backs, but chose linemen instead. Maybe that's why they're picking in the top 10 every year...

Top 5 rookie performances Sunday:
1. Adrian Peterson: 19 carries, 103 yards; 1 catch, 60 yards, 1 TD: 1 KR, 22 yds.
2. Marshawn Lynch: 19 carries, 90 yards, 1 TD; 2 catches, 9 yards.
3. Mason Crosby: 3/3 FG, including 53 yds and GW FG.
4. Reggie Nelson: 7 Tackles, 1 sack, 1 Forced Fumble.
5. Calvin Johnson: 4 catches, 90 yards, 1 TD.

So that's what Randy Moss can do on the field when he isn't stoned? Impressive. Definitely worth a 4th pick...

Romeo Crennel has not yet announced who will be his starting quarterback in week 2. He needs to find a three-sided coin before he can make his decision.

Hopefully teams are just shaking off some rust, and the quality of play will improve within the next few weeks. If not, someone should get on the phone with Troy Glaus or Rick Ankiel or Barry Bonds or Jay Gibbons to see if they have any pointers.