Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Crazy Thing Is: Deion Sanders Gets Paid To Proffer His Opinion

Tonight's Nightcap is being brought to you by Deion Sanders Kool-Aid. Deion's Kool Aid: it's like an acid trip for morons. The latest serving was in an editorial in the esteemed Southwest Florida News-Press. I haven't seen someone have such misguided logic and reasoning since....well, since the last time I heard Deion Sanders speak. Buckle up your seat belts and carve out your cerebral cortex with an ice cream scoop because we're about to go on a wild ride.

I would’ve never thought Mike Vick, one of the NFL’s most exciting players — the man who makes the network execs smile every time he plays — would ever be indicted for crimes against man’s best friend.

The potential impact could be devastating.

Absolutely, Deion. Excellent start. This already has been devastating to many people- dog lovers, Falcons fans, and anyone who was cursed to be born with a sense of decency. This in it's own little way is having an impact on a major portion of society. Please expound for us, oh wise Seminole:

He could lose millions worth of endorsements. Nike has already suspended the release of his new shoe. He could lose millions he was supposed to get from the Atlanta Falcons, if the club decides to cut him.

Oh you mean it could be devastating for Vick, personally? You mean a guy who mistook his fame and fortune for being above the law might actually lose his millions of dollars if he's found guilty of committing a felony? I hadn't realized that. I really feel for the guy now.

Some people kiss their dogs on the mouth. Some people let their dogs eat from their plate. Some people dress their dogs in suits more expensive than mine, if you can believe that.

And some people enjoy proving they have the biggest, toughest dog on the street. You’re probably not going to believe this, but I bet Vick loves the dogs that were the biggest and the baddest.

You see, most people don't understand Vick because they're the types of people that show their love with things like kindness and sharing. But other people can only show their love through abuse and punishment, and by killing those that aren't worthy of their love. I'm sure someone must understand this. Elijah Dukes, Rae Carruth, Orenthal- they all know what Deion's talkin' about.

Why are we indicting him?

Because he broke the law? Repeatedly? And they have a lot of evidence? I'm just guessing.

Was he the ringleader? Is he the big fish? Or is there someone else?

Maybe Vick was hanging out with drug lords and mob bosses at his dog fights, and those are the people the Feds are really after. It's certainly possible. So remember kids: if you're ever going to get into crime, be sure to surround yourself with even more heinous criminals than you so that you can be acquitted under the lesser known "At least I'm not as bad as that dude" statute.

I believe Vick had a passion for dogfighting. I know many athletes who share his passion. The allure is the intensity and the challenge of a dog fighting to the death.

And isn't that what life is really about: finding your true passion and experiencing it to the fullest? It's not Mike's fault that his passion just happened to involve the reckless destruction of life for sport. We should all be so lucky to live as fulfilling a life as Vick does.

It’s like ultimate fighting, but the dog doesn’t tap out when he knows he can’t win.

The ultimate fighter is also acting on his own volition whereas the dog has no choice in the matter. Perhaps a more apt comparison is to the Roman Gladiatorial Games in which slaves would meet in front of thousands of spectators and fight each other to the death for the honor of serving their masters in the afterlife. Of course, that sounds barbaric and repugnant in modern society, so instead let's pretend the dog is really Chuck Lidell.

It reminds me of when I wore a lot of jewelry back in the day because I always wanted to have the biggest chain or the biggest, baddest car. It gives you status.

Ok, this is actually just Deion's desperate attempt to make sure the story is at least partially about him rather than Vick, but just for fun, I'll play along with this misguided analogy because I can relate. It's like when I went out to dinner with this girl and I felt like I had to order the porterhouse so I could have status. Then I drugged her and started a prostitution ring out of my house. Because *that's* status. Toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe.

Who shot Darrant Williams? Remember the Denver Bronco cornerback? I’m just more concerned about bringing to justice someone who killed a human.

If Deion were making a commentary about how sad it is that our society has become so desensitized to human suffering, I'd be right there with him. But I don't think that's what he's doing here. He's employing a diversionary tactic by saying that there are worse things out there in the world, so let's not care about this lesser incident. It's an attitude which is both irresponsible and inhumane because it leads to not caring about anything, since there will always be something "more important" to conjure up. It's not like any Denver area detectives were taken off the Williams case to follow leads in Michael Vick's alleged dog-fighting, so why can't we be concerned about both?

We’re attacking this dogfighting ring the same way a teenager attacks his MySpace page after school (by the way parents, make sure you monitor your kids).

Listen Deion: Incoming West Virginia freshman running back and super stud prep star Noel Devine turned down the opportunity to become an instant millionaire and fled your home when you tried to raise him. So spare me the platitudes and parenting tips, Ok?

The reason this is turning into a three-ring circus is that baseball is boring, basketball is months away, football is around the corner and we in the media don’t have a thing interesting to write about.

David Stern would greatly appreciate it if you could inform all other writers and broadcasters that there is nothing to cover in his sports at this time. Just move along. Nothing to see here.

How will this end up? I have no idea. All I know is Falcons fans better pray because Vick’s backup is Joey Harrington. Enough said.

"Dear lord baby Jesus, please reach down with your mighty hand and cast a fire which might destroy the evidence that condemns #7 Michael Vick for brutally torturing and killing animals, hanging out with drug dealers, and illegal gambling so that I, your loyal subject, may bear witness to a 9 and 7 season this year rather than a 4 and 12 nightmare with Joey Harrington."


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At Thu Jul 26, 06:02:00 AM PDT , Blogger FFJewbacca said...

Couldn't have said it better myself.

I'd still like to see a dog suit more expensive than one of his, though.

At Thu Jul 26, 10:25:00 AM PDT , Blogger Conquest Chronicles said...

He is just so out of touch its mind boggling.

Great work breaking it down.

At Mon Jul 30, 11:11:00 PM PDT , Blogger twins15 said...

Nice work... Deion should not be paid to write. Or talk. Or do really much of anything except play football.

At Sat Aug 04, 10:49:00 AM PDT , Anonymous Tammy Grimes said...

Dude, as founder of an organization working to free dogs from chains, I've read every article and blog I can get my eyes on as far as the subject of Michael Vick and dogfighting goes...none have given me the belly laugh that yours has! Thanks so much for our wit and sense of humor, made my day. To see the work we do on behalf of America's chained dogs, visit our site at


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