Thursday, July 12, 2007

The Butterfly Effect

For what is traditionally the slowest sports day of the year, there were actually quite a few headlines throughout the sports pages today. While they might not seem like that big of a deal now, many any of these moves will have an impact that will be felt for years to come. Let's take a look, shall we?:

Indians sign Travis Hafner to 4 year, $57 million extension.
Effect: CC Sabathia sees Hafner's deal and increases his contract demands beyond the Indians' means. In 2009, Sabathia becomes a free agent and signs a 7 year, $135 million contract with the NY Yankees, leading them to the World Series under first year manager Don Mattingly. In 2011, Sabathia tears his rotater cuff and is never the same again. From 2011-2015, Bill Simmons (who is still working at Page 2) features a line in every one of his columns which mocks the Yankees for the Sabathia deal- and then asks readers to buy his book which is still available in paperback at second-hand stores everywhere.

Portland Trailblazers buy out Steve Francis for $30 million and then release him.
(To recap: The Blazers traded Zach Randolph and spent 30 mil just to make sure that Greg Oden wouldn't be influenced by a few troubled players.)
Effect: Portland also files a restraining order in which Francis must remain 20 feet away from Greg Oden at all times. This initially appears to create a problem when Francis signs a free agent deal with the Clippers, requiring him to play four games against the Blazers during the season. However, it is quickly realized that Francis hasn't driven into the lane or helped anyone on defense in five years, so he is still able to abide by the terms of the order.

Rickey Henderson is hired as the new hitting coach of the NY Mets.
Effect: After Henderson instills his rule of "always talk about yourself in the first third person," chaos reigns over local beat reporters as they can never tell if Carlos Beltran and Carlos Delgado are talking about themselves or each other. Then after Willie Randolph is ejected in a game in August, Rickey Henderson takes over as manager. He tries to put himself in as a pinch runner for Shawn Green all while yelling, "Look at Rickey. I told ya Rickey can still run. Watch Rickey steal another base." He is fired the next day.

Kevin Seitzer fired as hitting coach of the Arizona Diamondbacks
.
Effect: My massive collection of 1987 Fleer Rookie Kevin Seitzer cards plummet in value from $.05 each to a mere penny a card. This hit on my overall net worth forces me to start eating off of the value menu at Taco Bell. While dining on a fresco style 1/2 pound bean and potato burrito, I discover that one of the potato lumps is in fact a mouse head. I settle with Taco Bell for a nice chunk of change and immediately invest it in one of Bob Stoops' pyramid schemes. I use the resulting fortune to buy the Chicago Cubs. I hire Kevin Seitzer as my manager.

NCAA orders Oklahoma to vacate all 2005 victories as a result of three players being paid under the table for summer jobs.
Effect: Oklahoma boosters put up a "No-Peat" billboard around USC campus and start a website which details all of the allegations surrounding former Trojan running back Reggie Bush. After another two years of dragging their feet, the NCAA forces USC to vacate all of their victories from 2004, including the Orange Bowl. Oklahoma becomes the de facto 2004 national champions, their 8th overall.

Orlando Magic sign Rashard Lewis to a 6 year, $127.2 million contract.
Effect: Magic become a perennial #4/5 seed. After their 3rd consecutive season of losing in the first round of the playoffs, general manager Otis Smith is found unconscious and bloodied outside an Orlando hotel. Hotel surveillance tapes reveal two men dressed as Mickey Mouse and Goofy brutally assaulting Mr. Smith. The video quickly hits the internet and news, and parents respond by refusing to visit any Disney properties. Disney begins to hemorrhage money, and in a cost-cutting move, fires all of their ESPN tv personalities, to start anew with humbler, cheaper alternatives.

Otis Smith- Impulsive fool or prescient American hero?

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3 Comments:

At Thu Jul 12, 09:14:00 AM PDT , Blogger NFL Adam said...

I have an autographed Kevin Seitzer card. He was wearing argyle socks at a card convention. (But hey, it was the 1980s.)

 
At Thu Jul 12, 04:00:00 PM PDT , Anonymous jason said...

Don't know if I'm the first person to say this, but Rickey's speech is third person, Hubie Brown is second person and Tim McCarver is just impersonal.

Fav Rickey quote: when asked about his favorite dugout food, he concluded a rant on the unhealthiness of sunflower seeds by saying "So Rickey says bubblegum. Yeah, Rickey likes Bubblegum."

 
At Fri Jul 13, 05:33:00 AM PDT , Blogger Mini Me said...

Awful awful contract. Rashard who?

 

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