Wednesday, February 04, 2009

MLB Trainers Are Relentless In Their Conspiracy To Sabotage Hall Of Fame Players

Tuesday night, it was revealed that a 2003 urine sample from Barry Bonds had been retested by federal authorities and was found to be positive for performance enhancing drugs. This result confirms what most baseball fans have already known to be true for quite sometime- that Greg Anderson, Victor Conte, and the government are all in collusion to undermine the legacy of Barry Bonds. First they sabotaged his flaxseed, then his aspercreme, and now his urine. Obviously, nothing is sacred to these evildoers.

Similarly, Roger Clemens has found himself under the microscope, literally, as syringes kept in an old beer can by his former trainer Brian McNamee have shown to contain DNA matching Clemens' genetic profile. In an exclusive only seen here, The Lounge has obtained a sample of the DNA in question, and the results are rather damning:

Obviously, we know that Clemens was framed since he already told Congress that he never used steroids. And that was under oath, so it must have been the truth. But it appears that if a UCLA doping lab finds evidence of performance enhancers in those same syringes, then Clemens will once again find himself in court looking to clear his name.

While Clemens is already ably represented by Otis the town drunk Rusty Hardin, I believe it's also my responsibility, being the bastion of integrity that I am, to help The Rocket find justice. With that in mind, here are a few plausible perfectly legal explanations as to how the syringes managed to contain trace amounts of Roger Clemens' blood:

Clemens may have unwittingly left some DNA on his wife Debbie's ass during an afternoon interlude. McNamee then could have scraped that DNA off when he was shooting her up for her SI photoshoot.

McNamee said he was drawing the blood in an attempt to clone The Rocket, as #22 thought it was his only chance to have a kid in the major leagues. I mean, Koby hit .268 in high A for Chrissakes!

The blood didn't get on the needle from an injection, but rather dripped onto it from the empty beer can. One time, McNamee and Clemens were hanging out, drinking beers and decided to hang the empties on their fingers and pretend they were robots. Who hasn't done that, right? Well, Roger got a little carried away and cut his finger, and now that one little misadventure may lead to an errant perjury conviction.

Ok, he did get injected. But it wasn't with athletic performance enhancers. Instead, he asked McNamee to shoot him up with sexual performance enhancers. Hey, it's not easy keeping up with a 15 year-old with a country singer's lungs.

Clemens can't be held responsible for his actions. He was not of sound mind. He couldn't possibly be; he had Icy Hot on his balls!

(By the way, if you'll indulge me in a quick aside: the Icy Hot story is old news. Check out this link. That story's almost three years old. I don't know why people are making a big deal out of it now. In fact, Deadspin "broke" the story last week as if it were new despite the fact that they had featured it themselves the first time around. I swear, sometimes, I almost get the vibe that bloggers don't do any research before writing.)

Finally, as far as I know, Joe Torre hasn't implicated Roger Clemens in his latest book. And he trashed everybody in that thing. So obviously, the man must be innocent.

Hopefully, this should be enough to put Clemens in the clear. And not the kind of clear that Bonds got from Anderson, but the kind that MLB can't pretend to be disgusted at after profiting from its use for over a decade.

It should only be a matter of time before we see Clemens, Barry, and Big Mac in their rightful place- on a dais in Cooperstown... Or signing a autographs at the Forum Shops at Caesar's Palace.

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At Thu Feb 05, 10:23:00 PM PST , Blogger beebs said...

What's wrong with pro athletes using steroids?

It's not like they have integrity or anything.

I KNOW! They set a bad example for the childrrrrren.


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