I Might Be the Next Raiders Head Coach

Steelers offensive coordinator Ken Whisenhunt and Louisville head coach Bobby Petrino have pulled themselves out of consideration for the Los Angeles Raiders of Oakland head coaching job. The list of interviewees now includes Whisenhunt, Petrino, Mike Martz, Al Saunders, and Rod Marinelli, all of whom have decided that there were better ways to spend a football season than answering to the whims of a senile man who's stuck in the 70's.

So Big Al, that just leaves you and me, baby. I'm more than happy to have a sideline view of NFL football (and the Raiderettes) while reading your handbook on the Commitment to Excellence. You want me to wear a jogging suit on the sidelines? Just tell me whether we're going with metallic or velour. Want to call my headset on every play and demand a go route? Well, Mount Up, cuz here we go...although I won't massage Randy Moss' hamstring when he feels a twinge on the second play of the game. Hey, you can even call me Coach Madden, and I'll say "Boom" and "Whap" throughout every practice. It can be 1976 all over again.

Of course, I'm going to need at least 1.5 mil for these services. I may be a whippin' boy, but I'm a whippin' boy with a price.