On Rubber, Glue, and Bouncing

I'm short on time today. But they say that a word is worth 1/1000 of a picture. So let's recap Sunday through the words of the participants:

Joe Gibbs after losing 27-3 to Philadelphia:
"We need to take a long, hard look at everything."
-My recommendation is that his first look is into a mirror.

Andrew Walter taking a shot at Tom Walsh and the Raiders offense:
"We don't have a lot of depth as far as our playbook goes."
-I think it's just a sheet torn from a notebook with the words, "everyone go deep" written on it. Of course, Al Saunders has a 700 page playbook, and look where that's getting the Redskins.

Written by on a dry erase board for the cameras by Chad Johnson:
"Mommie and grandma, I love you."
-The NFL will likely fine ocho cinco. Not for using a prop, but for actually misspelling "Mommy."

Brett Favre, after beating the Vikings:
"At least for another week, it gives us a little hope."
-Ah yes, rallying the team with the uplifting feeling of a faint, short-lived glimmer of hope. It's safe to say if Favre ever does retire, his next job won't be as a motivational speaker.


Michael Vick taking responsibility, kinda, for his team's loss:
"If you want to say it was my fault, go ahead and say it, but I know what I feel inside and I know what I know. It never should have come to that point."
-Translation: I know I'm supposed to say it all falls on me, but I also know that I'm so much better than anyone else on my team, so it can't really be my fault.

Detroit's Roy Williams, after losing to San Francisco:
"I think we came out a little flat. I don't think we were into this ballgame. I don't know if it's because it was San Francisco, and not an Atlanta Falcons team."
-And this concludes today's lesson on 'How to talk smack in a defeat.'

Nate Burleson describing his punt return for a touchdown:
"I looked at the punter. He looked at me. I knew I had to give him something."
-This is also the first line of Burleson's upcoming romantic novel, "Playing the Field."

LaDanian Tomlinson's version of the wild 49-41 Chargers' victory over Cincinnati:
"Being involved in that game, it was about like it was a cartoon or something."
-I think I remember that cartoon. Was that the Transformers episode where the Super Bowl contending team changes into a bunch of criminals who fight with each other and fall out of the playoff race? I remember Optimus Prime spotted them a 21 point lead before scoring 4 touchdowns of his own to win the game.

Carson Palmer isn't giving up on the 4-5 Bengals entirely:
"We just have to keep fighting and we might be able to scrape into the playoffs. You never know- 9 and 7 could get in."
So I guess Carson is already conceding two more defeats? Way to pump up the team!

Houston Texans' guard Chester Pitts, describing the feeling of beating the Jags:
"To win this game here is huge. It's bigger than a monkey off our back. No, it's a cow. It's a longhorn."
-No wait, it's a gorilla. No, no...it's a gorilla riding on top of a longhorn. Yeah, that's it. The only bigger relief would be getting that donkey off your back.

Aramis Ramirez, upon being offerred a 5 year, $73 million contract from the Cubs:
"You do know I was on the team last year and we finished 30 games under .500, right?" -Ok, I made that one up. But does the name Adrian Beltre ring a bell?

Shaquille O'Neal failing to give any credit when he was dominated by Yao Ming in the Rockets 94-72 beatdown on the Miami Heat:
"He's pretty much the same. Just big, 7-6. He's just doing what he's supposed to do."
-Wouldn't the flip side of that statement then be that Shaq wasn't doing doing what he was supposed to do? Oh well. At least Shaq can vent his frustration by breaking into random people's home and accusing them of running a child-porn ring.

...Lastly, I've been telling friends that ESPN's Becky Hammon is the worst sideline reporter in sports. But since nobody's watching the NBA right now, it's gone unnoticed. Thanks to "A Magician named Gob" over at Deadspin, there is now some video evidence. Here's Becky screwing up the name of last year's NBA finals MVP: