This Will Be Good For a Laugh Monday

The Nuggets may have been screwed over by the officials Thursday night, but at least they beat the spread, making me undefeated on this young NBA season. Undefeated? As Lamar Thomas might say, Hell 2 DA YAW! So let's see if we can build on this little bit of momentum and actually get some football games right, where my record currently stands at a pathetic 28-35-1. Ouch.

Michigan State -2 vs Purdue. I have a feeling that the players will rally around John L. Smith now that it's been announced that he'll be fired at the end of the season. Sure, the Spartans were just routed by Indiana and needed the greatest comeback in the history of football to get their only conference win. And sure, Michigan State looks like a team with no direction, focus, or drive. And yes, Purdue is actually a game above .500 and only one win away from bowl eligibility. But John L. Smith is one crazy old coot, and you should never underestimate a guy with nothing to lose. Plus, his press conference sure will be entertaining if he wins this one.

Hawaii -26.5 at Utah State. People are saying that this might be the best Hawaii football team in the history of their program. Ok, that isn't saying much, but this does: 61.7. That's the number of points that Hawaii has averaged in their last three games. The defense isn't stalwart by any means, but defensive coordinator Jerry Glanville has the team at least thinking about stopping somebody from time to time. No word on whether or not he leaves tickets for Don Ho at will call.

Washington +16.5 at Oregon. The Huskies may have lost four in a row, but they haven't lost any of those games by more than 10 points- including a six point loss at USC and a seven point loss at Cal. If they can stay within a touchdown of Cal, they should have little problem staying within two touchdowns of Oregon. For what it's worth, this is my college pick of the day.

Cal -16.5 vs UCLA. This Bruins team is D-U-N, done. They were totally demoralized by their loss to Notre Dame, and I don't see a recovery in their future. The defense will spend way too much time on the field and get worn down in the second half. UCLA might do for Marshawn Lynch's draft prospects what they did for Edgerrin James in 1998. Cal also knows that there's still the very slightest glimmer of hope for them to get a bid to the BCS championship game. But they'll need to run up the score to remain in the conversation. Fortunately for the Bears, UCLA will be willing to oblige.

Georgia Tech -5 at NC State. I have no real opinions on this game. I've just been sitting on this photo for a few weeks and am looking for an excuse to post it. This looks like as good a time as any. Hey, I'm seven games under .500, what more do you want from me?

NFL:

Denver +3 at Pittsburgh. Someone please help me understand the flip-side to this bet, because this line seems way, way off to me. 1) Denver's defense is going to be looking to make a statement after getting torched by Indy. 2) This is a revenge game for Denver after last year's playoff loss. 3) Ben Roethlisberger is a shell of himself, and while he might want this to be a statement game, I just don't think he's physically capable of it right now. I am absolutely giddy about this game. I'm tempted to bet my house, my relative's house, and all my future childrens' college funds on the Broncos. I haven't felt this good about a game since I went big on the Chargers at KC a few weeks ago. Wait a second....

Dallas -3 at Washington. Another game where I'm totally disregarding home field or the rivalry factor. Clinton Portis is a great player, but the one guy that can beat Dallas is Santana Moss. But he's listed as questionable. I'm sure he'll play, but if he's not the deep threat that he usually presents on the field, then the Redskins are in trouble. I don't think Tony Romo is the second coming of Brett Favre, but he has given this Cowboys team a sense of confidence that they lacked with Bledsoe at the helm. It's like an awkward teenage boy losing his virginity to the homely girl in his class- sure, he's not going to suddenly morph into the prom king, but he won't be getting stuffed into lockers anymore either. (Sorry, but these are the analogies you get when I'm still up at 5 am.) Anyway, the Cowboys' offense should be able to put at least 20 points up on the board, which will be enough to cover the spread.

NY Giants -13 vs Houston. I know the Bears are undefeated, but at this point in time, I think the Giants are the best team in the NFC. They are clicking on all cylinders. The rushing game is great with the one-two punch of Tiki and Jacobs; the passing game is working with Eli and Plaxico forming a Peyton-Harrison type of connection; and the defense is a force, thanks to a front four that puts relentless pressure on the quarterback. As for the Texans? Well last week, they thought they had a better chance of winning with Sage Rosenfels as their QB. 'Nuff said.

Cleveland +12.5 at San Diego. I just can't pick the Chargers right now. Have you heard about all of the contaminants that are harbored within their facilities? We already know that the bee pollen in the weight room was somehow contaminated with Nandrolone (my guess: bees that had visited Barry Bonds' flower garden in Beverly Hills), but what else might be lurking about Mission Valley? Maybe the pregame chicken dinner will have been infected with Mad Cow Disease, causing Philip Rivers' brain to melt and ultimately leading to him completely forgetting the gameplan. What's that you say? You thought you couldn't get Mad Cow disease from eating chicken? Well, I didn't think you could test positive for high levels of an injectible steroid by swallowing a dietary supplement. I guess we both learned something new this week.