Monday, April 30, 2007

Did Anyone Else Feel a Draft in Here?

There are already plenty of sites that have done a good job assigning winners and losers from this weekend's NFL draft based on their own projections of player development. And while I'm in agreement with the majority of assessments (Winners: Niners, Raiders, Colts, Patriots; Losers: the entire NFC East), I'm also of the opinion that it takes at the very least one season to really evaluate a draft. However, there were some people who felt an immediate impact at the conclusion of the draft. Here is a list of those winners and losers from this weekend.


Lindy Slinger
Sure, Brady Quinn's girlfriend might be a little disappointed that Quinn may have lost as much as $17 million by sliding in the draft Sunday, but even $10 million in guaranteed money is still more than adequate to purchase some shiny trinkets. The reason Lindy must be smiling right now is because after Quinn learned that he wasn't being picked #3 overall, it appeared to everyone that Lindy was going to have to compete with Miami girls for Brady's attention. Now, all she has to do is match up with the women of Cleveland, which is a much more attainable goal.

Drug Dealers in Foxboro
Times used to be pretty tough for a simple drug dealer hanging out around Gilette Stadium. Sure, Tom Brady used to stop by from time to time for some RU-486, but other than that, the Patriots weren't really big customers. But now Randy Moss is coming to town and business should be booming.

Mike Williams
Williams was going to be permanently entrenched in the doghouse as long as he remained in Detroit. Now that he's a member of the Oakland Raiders, you can be certain that Lane Kiffen will be loyal to him to a fault. Mike Williams will have plenty of opportunities to resurrect his career. (Is it still a resurrection if it was never alive to begin with?)

Keyshawn Johnson
His audition for a job as an announcer after retirement went reasonably well. He offered some insightful opinions, comported himself well, and as long as he wasn't talking about a fellow Trojan or Carolina Panther, did a good job remaining objective throughout.

The Charlotte Chapter of the USC Alumni Association
After gradually replacing UCLA guys (Ricky Manning Jr- gone, DeShaun Foster being phased out by DeAngelo Williams), the Carolina Panthers are quickly becoming USC-East with three of the top four receivers on the depth chart hailing from Southern Cal and recently drafted Ryan Kalil at center. Now if the Panthers could just get some SC song girls to follow in the footsteps of a few of their sapphic TopCats, then everybody would be a winner.


Owners of sports merchandise shops in Miami
Looks like Dolphins fans can just hang on to those old #13 jerseys for another year. No reason to shell out 75 bux for a replica of a punt returner's jersey.

Mike Furrey
Last year, he gave the Lions 93 catches and 1000+ yards. The Lions, in turn, gave him a demotion on the receiving depth chart when they drafted Calvin Johnson #2 overall.

Readers of Bill Simmons
I actually think that Simmons has approached the Simmons of old the last few months. But between the great offseason the Patriots have had and the Red Sox destruction of the Yankees, Simmons will be absolutely insufferable for the next few weeks.

Julius Jones
Once the Dallas Cowboys locked up Cleveland's #1 pick next year, it pretty much sealed Julius's fate as a Cowboy. He can expect this to be his last season on the roster before being jettisoned to make way for what will be Jerry Jones' most hyped pick in over a decade- Darren McFadden. By the way, you can add whoever ends up with the #1 overall pick in 2008 to the winner list, as Jerry will likely give up the ranch in order to move up to take the Arkansas phenom.

Darius Walker
I know that the thought of watching Charlie Weis at team meals for another year couldn't have been a pleasant one; but usually when an underclassman declares early for the draft, it's a good idea for him to make sure that he'll actually be drafted. That's something Darius may have wanted to consider. But on the bright side, at least he doesn't have to worry about losing to USC and Michigan again this season.

Fantasy Football Owners
And not just for all the usual reasons that we're losers. Other than Calvin Johnson, Adrian Peterson, Marshawn Lynch, and Anthony Gonzalez, is there another rookie "skill" player who will make a statistical impact this year?



At Mon Apr 30, 09:51:00 PM PDT , Blogger Zach Landres-Schnur said...

quinn's gf looks like a hooker on speed and crack. and she drinks too much. and got a bad dye job.

At Mon Apr 30, 10:32:00 PM PDT , Blogger NFL Adam said...

Drug dealers in Denver really have to be stoked on the Broncos draft.

At Mon Apr 30, 11:43:00 PM PDT , Blogger twins15 said...

Yeah, not a great decision for Darius Walker there. Yikes.


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