Bud Selig Rubs Alex Rodriguez' Nose In The Carpet And Puts Him Outside

Thursday, Commissioner Bud Selig momentarily contemplated suspending Alex Rodriguez until he realized that the players union would likely sue the league and illuminate its complicity in their players' illicit activity. Once that became clear, Selig instead opted to expand on MLB's response to the revelation that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids from its original, "Nobody was supposed to find out about that" to a new statement expressing regret, anger, and disappointment.

Of course, it should be remembered that Selig is a former used car salesman, and so anything he says is laden with deceit and half-truths. And so it's important to look at his statement, quasi-FJM style (Ed. note- oh how I miss you Ken Tremendous), and look at what Selig says versus what he actually means.

"What Alex did was wrong"
You should never own up to steroid use unless it's before a special session of Congress. And even then you can flatly deny it and make money while waiting on perjury charges....didn't he get my memo? Plus he got caught after I told him we'd be testing. Has he never heard of a Whizzinator? Getting caught like that was just wrong.

"and he will have to live with the damage he has done to his name"
I'm not even sure why put his name on the form to begin with. I instructed everyone to tell testers their name was "Barry Lamar Bonds."

"and reputation."
All these years that he's taken to build his reputation of being one of the great choke artists of all time has now been overshadowed by the stain of steroid use. It's a shame, honestly.

"While Alex deserves credit for publicly confronting the issue"
Not too much credit of course. I mean, there's a lot to be said for pretending steroids don't exist and looking at a revenue sheet instead of a few dead bodies and implausibly broken records, right? Besides, Alex did the right thing in publicly confronting the issue five years after the fact, and only when he had no other choice. Come to think of it, that's exactly what I did. Hey, I guess he did read my memo!

"there is no valid excuse for using such substances,"
There really is no excuse. Why use a substance that MLB could actually test for when the black market is littered with more effective, untraceable substances? That's what happens when you choose to get drugs from a shemale bodybuilder instead of Victor Conte.

"and those who use them have shamed the game."
Did I say "shamed"? I meant "saved". Revenues are at an all time high, the Maris chase rejuvenated baseball after the strike, the commissioner's office keeps getting raises despite a plummeting economy, and even the steroid scandal itself keeps people talking about baseball during an otherwise quiet offseason. It's like when I realigned baseball just so my Brewers could change leagues, boost attendance with the novelty factor of new opponents, and generate enough excitement to get funding for a new stadium. That wasn't selfish and shameful- I saved the team! Good for me. And good for ARod.

Commissioner Selig then addressed executives from recently bailed out banks and asked, "Now what's it's gonna take to get you in a luxury suite today?"