Tim Hardaway was Unavailable

With ABC/ESPN in a full panic about having the Super Bowl in the one year that their beloved Patriots aren't playing for the Championship, network executives have made a panic move and hired Bill Belichick to be a guest analyst aside Mike Tirico during ABC's pregame show. Have they never seen Coach Bill during his press conferences? He's painfully boring and provides absolutely no information whatsoever. This is the most misguided in-studio guest since Fox had Jared from Subway stop by to give his low-cal analysis. I wish ABC had given Stuart Scott the anchor position for this gig just so I could see Belichick stare blankly as Stu is keepin' it real. As it is, the pregame should go something like this:

Tirico: Coach, the Seahawks have had a high-powered offense all season. But they haven't faced a defense like the Steelers yet. What do you think will be the keys to success for the Seattle offense?

Belichick (mumbling): If you want to score points, you gotta get into the end zone, If you don't get in the endzone, no points.

Tirico: And on the other side of the ball, what will Pittsburgh be doing on defense to try to stop Seattle's attack?

Belichick: mmgmgmgmg...tackle the guy with the ball.

Tirico: Let's send it back to you, Chris.

Chris Berman (pulling hand out of pants): Wow. Thanks coach. What a privilege it is to have the three-time Super Bowl Champion....ya think about the great minds in football history...Belichick, Lombardi, and who's next? Will it be Holmgren? Cowher?...Let's talk about the game...and, "I don't want to cause no fuss, but can I buy your Magic Bus?"

(Irvin, Young and Tom Jackson give rehearsed laugh.)


...Maybe I'll just watch the Lingerie Bowl instead.