Next, They'll Beat Down the Local Special Olympics Team

Epiphanny Prince is a senior at Murry Bergtraum High School. She is also a guard on the girl's basketball team. Wednesday night, she scored 113 points in a game, which I hear tell is some sort of record. The final score of the game was Murry Bergtraum 137, Brandeis 32.

137-32!

Hey coach, you think you might want to call off the full-court press, asshole?! I don't know if anyone reading this has ever watched a girls' high school basketball game; but if you have, you know that oftentimes of the 5 girls on the court for one team, four of them are incapable of dribbling without looking at the ball. Additionally, many of these girls don't yet have the ability to put much zip on anything other than a two handed chest pass. So if you have a few quick girls, you can run a full court press and pretty much assure that the ball will never cross half court. Unfortunately, in every district, there is always one school where the coach is pissed because his own basketball career was shortened by injury. Then to make matters worse, his children were all daughters, so he was unable to live vicariously through a son. So he uses his girl's basketball team as a way to vent all of his life's frustrations. He runs a full court press defense at all times, even if they're up 100 points in the 4th quarter. He keeps the starters in for every minute of the game, and he chews them out anytime they miss a shot. It's not about teamwork or sportsmanship. It's about self-loathing and rage. Way to go, coach Ed Grezinsky. Can you imagine a coach pulling this stunt in a real sport? There would be a full-scale brawl.

The AP article tries to provide a little context for Prince's 113 points:
"The NBA record is 100 points in a game by Wilt Chamberlain in 1962."
How is this in any way relevant? I once scored 115 points with random white guy in a game of "Double Dribble" on my old Super Nintendo (I was deadly from the corner). That's about as close to scoring 100 points in an NBA game as some girl doing it on her high school team. Where's my entry in the record books, dammit!