I Can't Believe the Season Is Already 1/162 Over!

As I've been talking to other people, it seems that some of you actually had to work on Monday and therefore missed much of baseball's opening day. That seems un-American to me. Here's what you missed.

Barry Bonds didn't hit a homerun against San Diego, but he did set another milestone in the second inning when he became the first transvestite to score a run in a major league baseball game.

Bonds seemed mildly annoyed when a fan threw a syringe out onto the field while Barry was taking his outfield position. He wasn't annoyed because someone found a somewhat clever new way to taunt him. Barry was annoyed because the syringe was empty.

If it's possible, Chris Berman is even more annoying in a baseball booth than he is in the NFL studios for ESPN. I seem to forget that every year until the season begins. As soon as I heard him say Sandy "Remember the" Alomar, it made me search for a long, sharp object to jam into my eardrums.

Many players whose names have been subject to steroid rumors over the years had very good opening days. Jim Thome, Mike Lowell, Frank Thomas, and Mike Piazza all went deep in their first game of the season, despite all being at least ten pounds thinner than they were a few seasons ago.

Barry Zito was shelled by the Yankees, giving up 7 earned runs in an inning and a third. Last season, his April ERA was over six. If he's ever in a stadium where Roger Clemens is doing his promotional tour, he might want to ask the Rocket how to go about negotiating one of those deals where you don't have to start pitching until May.

The Dodgers' strategy of signing baseball players that were great ten years ago appears to be backfiring. With Kenny Lofton already on the DL, the Dodgers found out that Nomar Garciaparra had injured a rib cage muscle and would be unavailable for the game (anyone surprised? anyone?). In an interview with Erin Andrews, Dodgers GM Ned Colletti hinted that Nomar might have to go on the 15 day DL. Colletti also hinted that he'd like to get into Erin Andrews pants, which would by far be his best move since becoming the GM for the Blue Crew.