Thursday, September 28, 2006

God Has Got His Popcorn Ready

I've always been amused whenever an athlete thanks God for a victory at the end of a game. I know it's supposed to be an act of humility and reverence to direct praise to the Creator, but it's always struck me as obscenely arrogant. It's as if the athlete believes he is really so important and special that God is willing to take time out from directing rain to the deserts of Africa in order to make sure that Ray Lewis has the strength to render a ball-jarring hit. But after reviewing the past few days of sports, I may have to reconsider my position. Maybe God really does care about who wins the Super Bowl and the World Series. Witness these recent acts of Divine Benevolence:

Sunday: Tired of watching Mark Brunell, a devoted member of his flock, struggle at the end of his career, God, in his infinite wisdom appoints the Texans (who He earlier in the year convinced to draft Mario Williams instead of Reggie Bush) to be the Redskins' opponent. He then guides Brunell's left arm to 22 straight completions, giving him one last moment of glory during a year in which his team will be plagued to finish last as punishment for their association with Tom Cruise.

Monday night: The re-opening of the Superdome in New Orleans. As a way of saying, "my bad for that whole hurricane thing (he only meant to drown the gays)," God parts the Atlanta offensive line to create a blocked punt which gives the Saints an early lead and all the momentum to carry the team to victory. Note that this is a dual apology from the Almighty, as he also owed Drew Brees a solid on account of tearing the quarterback's labrum last December as part of His grand plan.

Tuesday: Because God was so busy helping Brunell out on Sunday, there were no footprints in the turf alongside devout Christian Kurt Warner when he faced the Rams. As a result of being left to his own abilities, Warner threw 3 interceptions and lost a fumble, single-handedly losing the game for the Cardinals. His performance was so bad that the following day, head coach Dennis Green was reportedly going to bench Warner in favor of the Paris Hilton-dating, bastard-raising rookie, Matt Leinart. Furious that such a morally bereft sinner such as Leinart would be the face of the team, God appeared to Denny Green in a dream in which he guided the coach to recant on his decision. The next morning, it was announced that Kurt Warner would still be the team's leader on the battlefield.

Tuesday/Wednesday: Earlier in the week, Shaun Alexander learned that he had a fracture of his foot. He then did what any athlete would do to rehabilitate himself- he orchestrated a nationwide prayer group to ask God to heal his foot. By Wednesday, Alexander was already feeling frisky and felt ready to play- all thanks to the power of prayer. Unfortunately, when doctors performed another CT scan, the film revealed that Alexander still had a small crack in the bone in his left foot, along with a note that said, "Please be patient. God isn't finished with me yet." So while it isn't in God's plan for Alexander to face the Bears, he should be on the field by the time Seattle plays Satan's team, the Oakland Raiders.

Tuesday/Wednesday: God-knows-what happened to Terrell Owens in his home with his publicist, his pastor, and his vials of supplements and painkillers. What we do know is that when Owens had his press conference hours after spending the night in the emergency room, his first words were to thank God for still being here on earth. God, whose only previous evidence of his love for T.O. was blessing him with Jesus-abs, obviously saved T.O.'s life because he has great things in store for him. My guess is that T.O.'s calling is to sacrifice himself for the salvation of others and drive Bill Parcells out of the league. NFL without the tuna? Maybe God's interest in football is a good thing afterall.

(It turns out that God's got the MLB Extra Innings package to go along with Sunday Ticket. Today when the Astros' Luke Scott drove in the tying run with two outs in the 9th, he was seen pointing to the sky and saying, "Thank you Jesus." Strange team for Jesus to help out. Doesn't he know that the Astros have Roger Clemens?)


At Fri Sep 29, 11:26:00 AM PDT , Anonymous God Hates Cleveland Sports said...

Don't forget all the days he watches the Cleveland teams!!

At Fri Sep 29, 05:34:00 PM PDT , Anonymous insomniac said...

I don't know what Cleveland did to piss God off, but I think Browns fans will be subjected by endless plagues.

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