Wednesday, January 31, 2007

The Nightcap

Tonight's Nightcap is brought to you by Laphroaig Single Malt Scotch Whisky. Because if you can survive a few glasses of Laphroaig, you can survive just about anything.

Here are some of the recent headlines in sports:

No quiero hacer pis en una taza
Sammy Sosa officially signed a one year minor league deal with the Texas Rangers today. In a telephone interview, Sosa proclaimed that he is "fresh (and) relaxed," that his "body is in shape" and that there is only a "one in a million" chance that he wouldn't make the team. Coincidentally, those are the same odds that Sosa will make the Hall of Fame on the first ballot. But at least it's nice to see that Sosa was productive during his year off and learned how to speak English again.

Now I ain't saying she's a gold digger...
Latrell Sprewell has been hit with a $200 million palimony suit from his babies' momma, Candace Cabbil, after the size of the payments he was giving her began to diminish in value. I know there are four mouths to feed, and she did give up that sweet hospital job making 25k a year so that she could stay home with the kids (and the nanny and the housekeeper), but $200 mil?! That seems a bit exorbitant. I now realize that when Sprewell famously turned down a 3 year, $21 million contract offer because, "I got my family to feed," he wasn't actually being greedy at all. It's just that Ms. Cabbil apparently is incapable of raising her kids for less than 10 mil per year.

Speaking of guys with a choking fetish
Kobe Bryant was suspended by the NBA for one game for his blow to Manu Ginobili's face which was, according to NBA Lord of Discipline Stu Jackson, "an unnatural act." Bryant appealed the decision, believing that he should be able settle this ordeal the same way he does anytime he commits an unnatural writing a check. The NBA denied the appeal, but compromised and declared that rather than being forced to sit out a game against a real NBA team, he could just miss the Knicks game instead.

By the way, how would you like to be a fan in New York who paid a couple hundred bux a ticket on Ebay or StubHub to see the Lakers come to town and then find out a few hours before tipoff that instead of Kobe, you get to see Maurice Evans play? Kobe's not going to miss the game check that much, but David Stern sure did screw over the casual fan on this one. And here I thought the NBA cared?

Remember the 90s?
Here's a message I received from a Cowboys fan today that pretty much said it all in regards to the state of Big D. "I don't know why people are so pessimistic about Norv Turner as the head coach. He's just two 14-2 seasons away from being a .500 coach."

Theo Epstein Likes to Watch

The Boston Red Sox will be building an indoor batting cage for the visiting team on the 3rd base side of Fenway Park. One of the walls of the cage will be shared with "Game On," a Red Sox owned bar and grill. That wall will be a one-way mirror that allows patrons to watch the visiting team take batting practice. This will be a great opportunity for Red Sox fans to scout their future $70 million free agent acquisitions, since- as evidenced in the JD Drew signing- looking good in batting practice is the only requirement for getting a long term deal from the Red Sox front office.

Out of respect for Tony Dungy, Minnesota bans latent homoerotic activity for one week
A Minnesota school district has shutdown all wrestling activity for the next eight days after 24 high school wrestlers were diagnosed with herpes gladiatorum, an HSV-1 infection passed by skin to skin contact. The moratorium on all practices and meets should be sufficient to contain the outbreak, but this incident has left the sport with a black eye. And a rash. A blistering, painful rash.

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