3 AM Eternal

I have to be awake in a few hours to join a friend for a rather intense workout regimen. Given my poor sleeping patterns and my even worse conditioning, this isn't going to be pretty. If somewhere during the day, you see a headline on Deadspin that reads, "Runner Vomits Own Lung in Stairwell," that will be me.

With the time I have remaining, here's a quick recap of the day in sports:

-After enduring a losing streak wherein the Cardinals surrended double digit run totals, a Busch Stadium fan was overheard whispering to a friend, "I have to admit, given the way the team is playing, I'm not sure if Cardinals fans are still the Chosen People among the baseball gods." Immediately after these words left the fan's lips, God struck down the blasphemer with a mighty wind. Twenty nine other fans were also injured, but a little collateral damage is acceptable when the integrity of Tony LaRussa's blessed redbirds is at stake.

-Trevor Hoffman blew yet another save now that opposing hitters have finally realized that what they thought was a dominating changeup was actually just his fastball all along. Hoffman can no longer throw a changeup because if he were to throw a ball slower than his fastball, it wouldn't be able to reach home plate on the fly.

-Shea Hillenbrand was released from the Toronto Blue Jays after he refused to sit in the dugout with his teammates in response to being chewed out by his manager in a team meeting. Hillenbrand was also upset that he wasn't in the starting lineup nor had management ever congratulated him for adopting a child. Hillenbrand in turn called manager John Gibbons "unprofessional," then implied that Jeff Garcia was gay and Donovan McNabb was jealous of him. No I'm sorry, those last few were perpetrated by some other insecure professional athlete with a giant ego and no sense of team unity.

-Duke quarterback Zack Asack was suspended for the season after he was found to be guilty of plagiarism. Asack may have been able to get away with his habit of turning in non-original work had he not chosen this famous piece of Duke literature for his creative writing assignment.

-Lastly, Sammy Sosa indicated in an interview that he was planning on returning to major league baseball. "I wanted a break, but I'm getting ready to come back for the right offer," said Sosa. While Sosa (who apparantly spent his time off re-learning the English language) wasn't clear on what that right offer might be, a good start would be sessions with Jason Giambi's trainer and a 2 for 1 special on a year's supply of HGH.