Friday, July 14, 2006

The Nightcap

Tonight's nightcap is presented by Sailor Jerry Rum and Coke. Sailor Jerry, the illegitimate son of Captain Morgan. It's a modern day retelling of Yellowbeard, only with booze instead of Cheech and Chong's tobacco...

If you're a Tennessee Titans fan, can you imagine any scarier announcement than this one: Vision, a nightclub in Atlanta will be presenting a "New Millionaires" night with special guests Titans' top draft picks Vince Young and LenDale White. The event will be hosted by...PacMan Jones. PacMan Jones?! They might as well put a prison cell inside the nightclub to save Young and White the commute. I can't think of a bigger recipe for disaster. The only thing worse would maybe be putting Fred Smoot in charge of a team's Toys for Tots drive...

In sports, there are some guys that have a decent grasp on reality:

Jeromy Burnitz, assessing the possiblity that he'll be traded by the Pirates before the July 31 deadline:
"In my mind, it doesn't seem like a foregone conclusion, because I haven't really played that well. If you're scouting me, you're not jumping all over it."
(btw, the .228 hitter is making $6 mil this year. No, I'd say probably not a lot of jumping going on amongst MLB GMs.)

Yankees GM Brian Cashman discussing the Yankees adding Sidney Ponson to the rotation:
"It's hard to upgrade your pitching, it really is. Hopefully, this is something that will work out for us. It's low risk and hopefully we'll get some upside out of this."
(translation: even if he gets lit up, he'll still have contributed more than Carl Pavano has since arriving in New York.)

On the flipside, some athletes are in such denial, they're borderline delusional:

Michelle Wie after shooting a +6 in the 1st round of the John Deere Classic:
"Considering that I had the water hazard penalties, considering that I had to call unplayable, considering that I hit my driver like 50 yards right, I felt like I played really well.
"... I have a lot of confidence going into tomorrow."
(yes, aside from all those moments when you really, really sucked, I thought you played quite well too, Michelle)

Odalis Perez after giving up a game winning home run- increasing his ERA to 6.79- in the Dodgers 14 inning loss to the Cardinals:
"If I've done something wrong, let me know, tell me. I want to know. I've been treated like trash."
(Ok, Odalis, I'll tell you. You see those guys in the other jerseys that run a circle and step on home plate after you throw a pitch? That's wrong. We don't want that. I would have assumed that a Little League coach might have taught you that, but at least you can learn it now.)

Finally, in an interview in which he announces that he plans to play 4 more years (which would be about 160 games total by his standard), Chris Webber tries to portray himself as martyr and a victim during his seasons with the Sixers. One tiny piece of the interview:

"I'm loyal to a fault, as my mother would say."

Just in case Mama Webber is keeping a list...along with loyalty, here are some other faults that your son Chris has:
1. Is allergic to the ball in clutch moments.
2. Accepts bribes.
3. Whines more than a Seahawks fan.
4. Makes Grant Hill look like an ironman.
5. Has uncontrollable urge to put hands in the shape of a "T."

...But other than that, he's the keystone of a champion.

So, all you fans of the Sixers, Titans and underage girls playing with overweight men....drink up. And as Fred Smoot would say, make it a double.


At Fri Jul 14, 07:57:00 AM PDT , Anonymous Adam said...

Watch Michelle Wie shoot a 6 under today...just kidding haha.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home