I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing. Let's Start with Lindsey Lohan.

I'm not a huge fan of awards shows, but I was at a friend's house tonight and she was watching the first hour or so of the American Music Awards. I think the theme was supposed to be that music is universal, but here are the impressions I was left with.

I knew this was the year of Mariah Carey's big comeback. What I didn't know is that she had come back as a man. Good god, Lorenzo Neal doesn't have thighs that big. I wasn't sure if she should be singing the opening number or picking up a blitzing linebacker. Any guy that had her poster up in the 90s must now be wondering if they're secretly gay.

If you do discover that you are in fact a gay man but don't know how to come out to the world, you could join Hilary Duff's team of backup dancers. Words can't describe the spastic yet flamboyant dance they were doing, but I'll give it a try. It was like if you went back to the 80's, took the Talking Heads, then pile-drived them in the ass for a decade and sent them out to dance for the world.

Pharrell looks like he just bought everything from the Junkyard Dog's estate sale. He's lucky David Stern isn't running the AMA's, or he would be subject to a month long suspension and a million dollar fine for the chains he's wearing. There's also a group of skaters doing some stunts in the background during Pharrell's routine. No doubt the result of a misunderstanding of Pharrell's request for a 'half-pipe' during the show.

Speaking of No Doubt, Gwen Stefani is also featured in this song. Her only line is "You got it like that." Gwen, I hate to break it to ya, but in Pharrell's world, you are a holla back girl.

I wish I could have seen the look on Lindsey Lohan's face when she was told that there wouldn't be any lip synching during the live performances. To her credit, she sucked it up and went out on stage- where she proceeded to keep on sucking.

A half-decade or so ago, there was the Britney Spears v Christina Aguilera rivalry in the underage pop category, with Mandy Moore and Jessica Simpson on the periphery. That was some top quality jailbat catfighting. Now we have to settle for Hilary Duff v Lindsey Lohan, with Ashlee Simpson doing a ho-down on the sidelines. It's like having the Playboy channel come in on your tv for free for a few days, only to suddenly fade out and be replaced by The View. And if I had to choose whether to beat off to Lindsey Lohan or Meredith Vieira, I think I'm going with the one who looks like she's actually swallowed something in the last week.

And following the lead of every winning artist, I'd like to thank Jesus for making this blog possible. I never could have written about how I miss jerking off to an underage Jessica Simpson without you.