Old Skool Jams On A Lazy Saturday

A comment by "anonymous" on the NBA draft post got me to thinking about the good ol' days of heading out to the arcade and playing some NBA Jam with friends. I'd hate to think about how many quarters I threw into that thing, tho it was probably worth it, since I couldn't buy beer yet. My favorite combo to play with was the Charlotte Hornets duo of Larry Johnson and Alonzo Mourning. LJ had a crazy inside/outside game on offense and Zo could block dunk attempts by just about anyone.

Anyone else old enough to remember this game? (Was it really 13 years ago?) If so, who were your favorite combos?

I Knew That's What Maria Sharapova Was Screaming

I haven't really had a chance to start following Wimbledon yet. It might have something to do with the 5 am PST starts. Fortunately, there's a video which does a good job capsulizing the experience of watching the women's side of the bracket:



...Add in some red knickers, and you're pretty much caught up going into the weekend.

#30 - Petteri Koponen, Portland via Philly

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't live blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player notes:

Here's all I know about Koponen. He's 19 years old and played for the Playboys in Finland. So I guess he

Reminds me of:

The first Finnish Playboy Playmate, Miss December 1988, Kata Karkkainen:



Sorry, but that was the only remotely safe for work pic I could find.

That wraps up the first round of the 2007 NBA Draft. I know it couldn't have possibly matched the entertainment of Steven A Smith and Dick Vitale yelling at each other via satellite, but thanks for indulging me nonetheless.

Now if you'll excuse me, I hear there's a young prospect out of Argentina that deserves my attention.

#29- Alando Tucker, Phoenix Suns

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't live blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player notes:
One of the most experienced players in the draft.
Great motor, but lacks range.
Great player at amateur level, but questions remain about ability to perform in pros.
Probably will be little more than a role player in the NBA.

Reminds me of:

Heather Graham

#28 - Tiago Splitter, San Antonio Spurs

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't live blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player notes:

Brazilian native with great international game.
Is a tremendous physical specimen.
Long.
Likely to have big contract demands

Reminds me of:

Adriana Lima

#27 - Arron Afflalo, Detroit Pistons

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't live blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player notes:
Not the flashiest player, but a great leader.
Very successful player.
Somewhat limited physically, but gets the most out of his natural abilities.
Willing to do the dirty work to win.

Reminds me of:

Natalie Portman

#26 - Aaron Brooks, Houston Rockets

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't live blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player notes:
Very small for his position but has never let being undersized stop him.
Teams he plays on always seem to be winners.
Great athlete.
Very focused player.

Reminds me of:

Elisha Cuthbert

#25 - Morris Almond, Utah Jazz

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't live blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player notes:

Has been on the scene for awhile, but doesn't get much television exposure because of where he plays.
Somewhat one-dimensional, but he excels in that dimensions.
Specializes in a skill that is long on supply.

Reminds me of:

Valentina Vaughn

#24 - Rudy Fernandez, Portland Trailblazers (via Phoenix)

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player notes:
Has been a star in Spain since teenage years.
Sensational talent that transcends nationality.
Contract issues could be a concern.

Reminds me of:

Almudena Fernandez

#23 - Wilson Chandler, New York Knics.

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player notes:
Under the radar coming into the draft.
Spike Lee loves the pick.
Good size with plenty of room to develop.
With a few breaks, could become a star.

Reminds me of:

Justine Jaro

#22 - Jared Dudley. Charlotte Hornets

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player notes:

Good contributor, but will never be a superstar.
Solid body.
Always gives great effort.

Reminds me of:

Amanda Bynes



(Update: Thanks to Anonymous for noticing the gaffe with Charlotte's mascot, tho I was shocked to see that anyone was actually "reading" any of my draft coverage. I suppose that's what happens when I choose Amanda Bynes for the photo.)

#21 - Daequan Cook. Miami (via Philly)

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player notes:

Able to contribute right away.
Great experience in high level situations.
Very high ceiling.
Good team player.

Reminds me of:

Katherine Heigl

#20 - Jason Smith. Philadelphia 76ers (via Miami)

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player notes:

Relative unknown, but those that have seen him are very impressed with his talents.
Developing upper body strength.

Reminds me of:

Jennifer Ellison

#19 - Javaris Crittenton. LA Lakers

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player notes:

Still young and raw, but shows promise of greatness.
A few years away from being a major contributor.
Breaks the mold at his position.

Reminds me of:

Vanessa Hudgens

#18 - Marco Belinelli. Golden State

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player notes:
Great Italian export.
Top player in interational scene.
Nice, smooth stroke.

Reminds me of:

Monica Bellucci

#17 - Sean Williams. New Jersey

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player notes:
Major off the court issues.
Has shown flashes of greatness.
Bomb or Bust type.
Never sure what you're getting.

Reminds me of:

Lindsay Lohan

#16 - Nick Young. Washington Wizards

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player notes:

Perfect body type for a #2 guard.
Relies on natural gifts rather than developing new skills.
Major academic issues.

Reminds me of:

Jessica Simpson

#15 - Rodney Stuckey. Detroit Pistons

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player notes:
Dynamic individual.
Hasn't received enough exposure.
Hasn't been seen much against hi level competition.

Reminds me of:

Marissa Miller

#14 - Al Thornton. LA Clippers

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player Notes:

Likes to fill the hole.
Streaky.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Reminds me of:

Paris Hilton

#13 - Julian Wright. New Orleans

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player Notes:
Great athleticism.
Great "measurables."
Tends to disappear at times.

Reminds me of:

Brooke Burke

#12 - Thaddeus Young. Philadelphia

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't live blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player Notes:

Long.
Long.
Long.

Reminds me of:

Stacy Keibler

#11 - Acie Law IV. Atlanta Hawks

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't live blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player notes:

Has been around forever, but always gets the job done.
Will immediately become a veteran leader in a young league.

Reminds me of:

Diane Lane

#10 - Spencer Hawes. Sacramento Kings.

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't live blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player Notes:
Has the individual components of what you look for in a franchise player, but has yet to put it all together.
Occasionally seems uncomfortable in spotlight.
Questionable footwork.

Reminds of:

Carrie Underwood

#9 - Joakim Noah. Chicago Bulls

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't live blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player Notes:
Captivating, but does he do anything well, other than dance?

After seeing his hair on draft day, we're going with...

Reminds me of:

Shakira

#8 - Brandan Wright. Charlotte Bobcats

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't live blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player Notes:

Entered the league with a ton of hype, but team underachieved.
Tends to disappear at times.
Prototype body.
Needs to show he can take his game to next level.

Reminds me of:

Jessica Alba.

#7- Corey Brewer. Minnesota Timberwolves

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't live blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player Notes:
Became known because of greatness of supporting cast.
Hasn't been asked to contribute much individually.
Has shown flashes, but still has plenty to prove.

Reminds me of:

Kristin Cavallari

#6 Yi Jianlian. Milwaukee Bucks

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't live blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player Notes:

I don't know anything other than: is Asian, and people seem to like his body and potential.
Language barrier could be an issue.

Reminds me of:

Reon Kadena

#5 Jeff Green. Seattle (via Boston)

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't live blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player Notes:
Looks good enough, but can't you find players like this anywhere? Yet somehow still considered a superstar.
Needs to maximize potential in order to be solid contributor.

Reminds me of:

Kirsten Dunst

#4 Mike Conley Jr. Memphis Grizzlies

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't live blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player Notes:
Burst on the scene quickly.
Overhyped, and may be the product of people being desperate to create a new star.
Needs to ride momentum and develop quickly or will be relegated to obscurity.

Reminds me of:

Hayden Panettiere

#3 Al Horford. Atlanta Hawks

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't live blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player Notes:
Worked mostly in ensemble casts where talents were largely overlooked until recently.
Just beginning to show abilities to lead on own.
Incredible lower body strength.

Reminds me of:

Jessica Biel.

#2 Kevin Durant. Seattle Supersonics

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't live blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics. You can find all the posts by following this link.)

Player Notes:
Born to be a superstar.
Incredibly versatility.
Once in a generation type player.
Should make a ton in endorsements.

Reminds me of:



Scarlett Johannson

#1 Greg Oden. Portland Trailblazers

(What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't live blog the NBA draft? With all of the valuable analysis available throughout the net, I'll be answering the only question that really matters: What model/actress does each pick remind me of? It won't be insightful, but it should have great pics.)

Player Notes:
Consensus top 2 player.
Doesn't have a wide variety of moves, but what he does have is dominating.
Prototypical body.
Blossomed early and has looked like an adult since a very young age.
Might be over 30, but who cares?

Reminds me of:

Angelina Jolie

The Search For Young Talent Never Ends

With the NBA draft starting in a few hours, it's a little late for me to put a mock draft up. My only prediction is that when everything is over, Arron Afflalo may wish he'd stayed for his senior year at UCLA. If you need more picks, I'm pretty sure you can find one or two mocks somewhere on the internet. One of the more entertaining mocks was posted yesterday by Chad Ford and Bill Simmons on ESPN.com. They combined logical picks with some pretty good banter to make for a very enjoyable column. Maybe that's what Simmons needs now to keep things fresh- someone to volley with who will also call him on some of his recycled material.

One of the draft evaluations that stood out to me was this analysis of Greg Oden by Ford:

"Taking Oden is like marrying the girl you don't want to date, but the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with. She's responsible. She looks out for you. She helps you be the best person you can be. She's not hot on the outside. But inside she makes your life worth living."

My first thought was that I hope his wife doesn't read his columns. One also has to wonder if his logic for draft evaluations extends to other areas of his life. Perhaps he'll also scout potential dating prospects for his son:

"Only measured out as a B cup, but with that frame, has the potential to develop into a full C."

"A sexy pick, although real age remains a concern."

"Lacks experience, but shows early signs of promise and is very coachable."

"Very impressive ball handling skills."

"Foreign exchange student, so the data on her is limited, but I'm always intrigued by Czech girls."

"Lacks ideal looks, but is willing to do all the dirty work."

"Drug history and family issues have caused her to already make the rounds with many different suitors, but she might still be attractive for someone looking to fill a need."

"Willingness to take on the double-team is both intriguing and concerning at same time."

"The consensus #1 on campus, but will cost too much to keep for the long haul if you have salary cap issues."

Steve Lavin's Deal With the Devil Has Yet to Expire

(Thanks to BruinsNation for first coming across this story...)

What is the penalty handed down by the Fates for wreaking havoc upon the fans of a storied athletic program for seven years and then using that experience to wreak havoc on sports fans everywhere by becoming a cliche factory for ESPN? Apparently, it's a crap load of cash, a luxury home and smoking hot wife. Sometimes life pisses me off.

Former UCLA head coach Steve Lavin is looking to buy a home in Brentwood or Coronoa del Mar, and as such, has put his Newport Beach home up for sale. The 4 bedroom, 4 1/2 bath home is being listed for $3,995,000. According to the listing, the home located at 1906 Port Bristol (note: I've included the address for informational purposes only. I'd hate to see anyone use this for anything untoward.) features real distressed timbers, hand molded clay roof tiles, custom wrought iron work, and Venetian plaster. Although rumor has it that while it has all of the individual components of a landmark home, Lavin was never able to piece it together into even one of the final four best houses in the neighborhood, and most brokers would annually barely put it within the top 16.

While not listed in the brochure, other features are likely to include:

- Unused, like new, custom built trophy room.
- All bathrooms equipped with hair gel dispensers.
- Wine cellar filled with unopened bottles of champagne.
- Walk-in closets big enough to hold 200 pit-stained dress shirts.

One photo from the listing shows that the bonus room was decorated with a card table. How great would it be to sit down at a poker table with Steve Lavin? You could give him every ace in the deck, and still get him to fold before the showdown.

Presumably, Lavin is selling now so he'll have time to get another home for his new wife, actress Mary Ann Jarou (pictured), who according to Neiman Marcus, he will be marrying August 17. Looking at her picture, it's obvious that Lavin still has a knack for courtship, tho it will be interesting to see how successful the marriage itself will be.

Bruin Nation's UCLA Class of 86 has his own prediction:

She's a good recruit for Steve Lavin, but four years from now she will leave him, looking disheveled and disoriented, wondering why she wasted her time with a guy who promised her the moon and only delivered cheese.

Meanwhile, fellow BN contributor Meriones has a good feel for the statement Lavin will release to the press following their divorce:

"You know, marriage is a marathon, not a sprint (1) . There's always a lot of give and take (2), and sometimes people don't always see eye-to-eye (3). In the end, there was nothing wrong with her, it was me (4). We just drifted apart (5). I will always love her (6) and we've decided that we will still remain friends (7). They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce (8) and we gave it our best shot (9), but we just couldn't overcome the odds (10). Overall, though, I wish her nothing but the best (11) and she deserves someone who can truly make her happy (12)."

Brilliant stuff, guys. That was so funny, it made me cry. Or maybe it was just remembering the Lavin era that brought on the tears. Either way, nice work.

Mea Culpa

I'll have some new content up sometime this evening. And by "new," I mean stuff you can only find on like 20 or 30 other sports blogs.

Thanks for your patience...I hope you can forgive me.

Making the Rounds With People On Drugs

This week, my place of residence is the 7th floor, the pediatric ward, of the hospital while Tyler gets some treatments. We've got our own 7th floor crew rollin' up in this joint:

(What's your name?)
T-money, yo
(What you do?)
Rock the chemo
(How you do it?)
Straight to the vein, then chill with Finding Nemo
...
Sorry about that. I'm even more sleep deprived than usual. Anyway, I've got a brief break, so I thought I'd catch up on what I've missed in the wide, wide world of sports:

Sammy Sosa hit HR #600 in Texas last night, and the organization had the audacity to play "The Natural" as he rounded the bases. To be fair, I'm not aware of a song called "Ballad of the man from the land of needles and cork who forgot how to speak English and fled the country to escape persecution." But then again, I don't really follow country music much.
...

Meanwhile, in an interview with local radio, Rangers owner Tom Hicks was asked about any decisions he regretted since becoming owner of the team. He responded with, "Juan Gonzalez for $24 million after he came off steroids, probably, we just gave that money away." Since we're talking about drugs, I have to wonder: is Mr. Hicks on crack? That's not even close to most regrettable decision Tom Hicks has made in his tenure as owner. To recap:

Signed ARod to 10 year, $250 million deal.
Traded ARod and $67 million to Yankees for Alfonso Soriano and player to be named.
Traded Alfonso Soriano to Nationals for Brad Wilkerson, Termel Sledge, and Armando Galarraga.
Traded Termel Sledge, Chris Young, and Adrian Gonzalez to Padres for Adam Eaton, Akinori Otsuka, and Bill Killian.

Compared to that debacle, failing to hook Gonzalez up with the right steroids manufacturers was a rather minor oversight.
...

The NFL has said that it is serious about dealing with concussion injuries amongst its players. Because of the sports' physical nature, it's impossible to completely prevent concussions from occurring. However, the league can be more responsible in the way players are treated after incurring a concussion, both while active players and just as importantly, after retirement. Concussions may increase the likelihood of a person suffering serious brain disorders in later life, such as depression, Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease.

While the Federal government has shown an interest in baseball's steroid involvement, the NFL won't be helping with the treatment of retired football players. Many researchers believe that people who suffer from Parkinson's disease will be among the first to benefit from advances being made in stem cell research. Yesterday, the President vetoed a stem cell research bill saying,
"Destroying human life in the hopes of saving human life is not ethical."

I'd have a little easier time digesting that statement if it wasn't made from the same person who entered a nation into war. Oh well, at least he made Kurt Warner happy.
...

Joe Girardi has turned down an offer to manage the Baltimore Orioles. While Girardi has probably accepted that he won't be the next Joe Torre (that position is being kept warm for Don Mattingly), he's realized that he doesn't want to end up being the next Lee Mazzilli either.
...

Finally- Tim Floyd signs an 8th grader to a verbal commitment to USC, and it's seen as aggressive recrutiing, and yet if I tell the girl at Jamba Juice to call me when she turns 18, I'm a creep? That just ain't right.

Jerry Buss Don't Need His Mamba No Mo

Now that Kobe Bryant has gone 24 straight hours without retracting his latest trade demand, I feel it's somewhat safe to actually discuss it. It's hard for me to imagine Kobe sitting out the entire season, which is really the only leverage he has until 2008. But I guess I wouldn't put it past him to pull a Vince Carter and just give 50% effort and fake some injuries until the Lakers relent and trade him. The problem for the Lakers is that it's impossible to get fair value in return for any deal involving Kobe.

Or at least it was until Lakers' scouts stumbled across an unknown diamond in the rough. Expect to hear an announcement in the next few days. Kobe Bryant will be traded to Chuck E Cheese's in exchange for this guy:

Yeah, that's 1,000 points right there. Try to slow that down, Greg Popovich.

Saban Officially Alabama Coach - BankRoll Tide!

Last year, players on the teams participating in the Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl received a watch, wallet, iPod, and Chick-Fil-A calendar, and a few small souvenirs in their gift package. Not bad for an above-board gift to a college athlete, I suppose. However, if Nick Saban finds himself in the Chick-Fil-A bowl this upcoming season, he'll receive a bonus from the University of Alabama of $90,000.

That is just one of the many terms in the 32 page, eight year, $32 million contract being finalized between Nick Saban and the University of Alabama. Technically speaking, his base salary will only be $225,000 a year. I assume this is designed to fall in line with salary limitations on state employees. However, his contract also includes a "personal service fee" for his radio show which begins at $3.275 million in the first year and escalates to $3.975 per year in the final years of the contract. He also gets use of Alabama's private jet, a 15 seat luxury skybox, and a $50,000 bonus if the graduation rate of his football team is in the top half of the SEC (way to reach for the stars, Tide.) If he's fired for engaging strippers in aggressive sex while they scream "Roll Tide!," or if he flees for another coaching job, he forfeits the remainder of his contract. However if he's fired because he doesn't give Tide fans the win-loss record they were hoping for, he's entitled to the entire 32 mil.

Meanwhile, Alabama quarterback Jimmy Barnes is reportedly transferring to a Div 1-AA school because of the treatment he's received from Nick Saban. According to his father, Barnes was not willing to "give up his dignity" to fall in line with Saban's regime. Saban of course was dismissive of the entire ordeal. Yeah, like the guy in the $4,000 suit has time to deal with a 3rd string quarterback who will never see the field. Come on!

Byron Houston Can Still Ball

It is important for any athlete to find for himself a secondary recreation to satisfy his competitive nature after his playing days are over. Michael Jordan has become an avid golfer. Brad Daugherty has found a love for Nascar. Charles Barkley loves to burn through cash at the tables in Vegas.

Former NBA journeyman and Oklahoma State all-time leading scorer Byron Houston has found his own enjoyment as well: Public masturbation. NewsOK.com has the story:

Former Oklahoma State basketball player Byron Houston was arrested for indecent exposure Wednesday after a woman called police and said she saw a man masturbating near Northwest Expressway and Independence Road in Oklahoma City, police said Thursday. Police stopped a car at 5:45 p.m. that matched the woman's description and found Houston in the driver's seat with his shoes off and underwear on the floorboard.

Sure, we've all given ourselves a little stroke to pass the time at a long red light, but you really have to be into masturbating to toss your drawers down to the floorboard. That is committing yourself to the task. But I suppose that's what you'd expect from someone who's been honing his craft for six years. A quick glance at his priors shows that Houston is a pocket pool veteran.

- In September 2001, Houston was arrested after several women reported seeing him masturbating on his balcony.

- In May 2002, he was arrested after he was seen masturbating through a window.

- In August 2002, he was arrested after a woman saw him masturbating in his vehicle.

- In March 2003, he plead guilty to four counts of indecent exposure and was ordered to undergo treatment.

(I guess the treatment only lasts for four years.)

My advice to Mr. Houston? Move out of Oklahoma City. I mean really, once you've bowled ten frames at the local alley, there's really nothing left to do in Ok City other than jerk off, take a nap and repeat the cycle. He's just setting himself up for failure.

You Mess With the Kuo, You've Got To Go

Thanks to Our Book of Scrap (via Sports Unfiltered) for posting what is undoubtedly one of the top ten bat flips by a Taiwanese pitcher in the history of Major League Baseball. If you haven't seen it yet, make sure you catch it quickly before MLB has it removed as part of its ongoing policy of having all traces of anything that makes baseball seem even remotely enjoyable instantly removed from the information superhighway.



Also, it's good to know that if I'm ever visiting a Taiwanese whorehouse, "back to back to back" is the same in Chinese as it is in English.

Joakim Noah's Life Does Not Suck

Joakim Noah, deep down in my stomach, with every inch of me, I pure, straight hate you. But god dammit, do I respect you.

After his workout for the Boston Celtics, Joakim Noah sat down with the Boston Herald and reflected on his college career:

"I might have had the best college experience ever," Noah said. "I had a blast. You want to talk off the record, I’ll tell you stories. I just feel that I had a great time. It’s something I’ll never forget. It’s made me even hungrier."

It's always refreshing for a player to basically say - 'I've had five coeds at the same time my freshman year, and by my sophomore season, I basically was the initiation ceremony for three different sororities. But now I've made a list of seventeen celebrities I want to nail, and I think I'm ready to give it a shot.'

Recent mock drafts have Joakim Noah going to the Bobcats at #8 overall. Since his competition for the ladies would include guys like Adam Morrison, Primoz Brezec, and Brevin Knight, he should be able to fare reasonably well. Women of Charlotte: you've been warned.

Oh, and No, No, Yes.

A Few Renovations

I'm doing a little bit of tweaking to the site right now, so you may notice a few changes throughout the day. I don't anticipate there to be any downtime, but I apologize if you experience any problems. I've already noticed that the site has a few issues when the user resizes a window using Internet Explorer 6.0. I'm not exactly sure what the problem is there, but I'm working on it. Tho you could make it easier on me and just upgrade to 7.0 or Firefox. That would free up time for me to surf the net for more pics of coeds hard-hitting sports news.

Ten Million Doesn't Buy What It Used To

When the Chicago Cubs drafted Jeff Samardzija in the 5th round of the 2006 amateur player draft, they'd hoped they had found a pitcher who along with being a good prospect, was also a local boy with a built-in fan base. When the organization guaranteed him $10 million to stop playing football and concentrate solely on baseball, it was an indication that they were counting on Samardzija to be a quick developer who would help ease the pain from the eventual losses of Prior, Wood, and Zambrano. What they have at the moment is a giant bust, and one very expensive single-A middle reliever.

After going winless in 11 starts this season with a 5.75 ERA, the Daytona Cubs have moved the former Notre Dame two-sport star to the bullpen. This year, opposing batters have a .377 on base percentage against Samardzija. As another indicator that he just isnt' fooling anyone, he has only struck out 21 batters in 55 innings. Actually, I suppose he'd fit right in as part of the Cubs bullpen.

I don't know what the protocol is for communicating with players from rival schools, but it might be a good idea for Samardzija to get a hold of Drew Henson for some info on exploring a football career after flaming out in baseball.

For Those Who Think Spelling Bees Are Sport

...Here is the world's leading "athlete" of the game. Not exactly breaking any home-schooling stereotypes.



I honestly haven't watched the video in its entirety yet. It's just so uncomfortable, awkward, and frustrating that I can only watch in 20 second increments. Perhaps by the end of the night, I'll see the dramatic conclusion of this clip. But unless the nookie girl news anchor reaches through the satellite feed and chokes the living daylights out of the kid, I know I'll be disappointed.

I'm Drinking Some F*&%'n Bud Light Tonight

Not the strongest sports tie-in, but Bud Light is frequently a sponsor of the Super Bowl, so it's good enough for me.

This is brilliant. Almost makes me wish I still worked in an office. (Ok, that's not even remotely true.)

It's A Good Day To Be These People

It's June, which means many high schools and colleges (at least those on the quarter system) are coming to an end in the coming weeks. I mention this because last night I had that recurring dream where I'm back in college and it's finals week; and I find out that I was somehow enrolled in a class that I never attended and my exam is the next day. Usually when I have this dream, I'm rushing to the student store to find the books for the class to cram for my test. This time, instead of going to the bookstore, I just headed to administrative office and dropped out of school. I'm no dream analyst, but that can't be good. Anyway, congratulations to all the graduating seniors out there on what you've accomplished thus far. Here are some other people deserving of congratulations for their efforts:

Congratulations to Trevor Hoffman on notching his 500th save. Hoffman is an inspiration to pitchers everywhere that a fastball that surpasses 88 mph isn't necessary to record 3 outs before surrendering 3 runs...

Congratulations to Arizona Wildcats pitcher Taryne Mowatt who battled an unfortunate acne breakout to blank the Tennessee Volunteers 5-0 and deliver the Wildcats the softball national championship. Further congrats to Deadspin commenters for finding her MySpace page and the comment from her sister...

Congratulations to the Anaheim Ducks on winning the Stanley Cup. Now if I'm ever on a sports trivia game show, there might be one hockey question that I can answer correctly...

Congratulations to Ana Ivanovic (pictured) on defeating Maria Sharapova in the semifinals of the French Open. Always nice to see a fresh face on the tour. Especially one that seems to enjoy posing for photoshoots and calendars.

Congratulations to the kids being selected at this moment in the MLB Amateur draft. I hope to actually care about some of your names in two or three years...

Congratulations to the NBA for electing to actually play the NBA Finals. I was beginning to wonder if Stern elected to end the season with LeBron's ascendancy to the throne...

As for the NBA Finals, I think it's going to be closer than a lot of people think. Or at least closer than those people who think it won't be close at all. The Spurs' team defense should win out in the end, but every game will be a battle. The Cavs haven't lost a game at home in the playoffs yet, but SA also hasn't had to go 7 games either. Something has to give, and I think it will be the Cavs home court dominance. The highlight of the series will come when Manu Ginobili comes off of a pick, collides with Anderson Varejao, and both players end up on opposing sidelines, 50 feet apart.
Spurs in 6.

A Kid at Heart

Greg Oden has just made what is likely the final blog post of college career. The last line of his post is the most telling:

"I'm about to be put in a man's world, letting go of that kid in me is hard."

A few other lines:

"...everyone else is ready to leave for summer but me. I'm wanting to stay for every last minute and enjoy this because you can't get it back."

"[College is] the place when you get fed up of being with your parents, you get to get away."

I realize it's foolish to make conclusions based on a few sentences, but Oden really sounds like a guy who turned pro because it's what was expected of him, not because it's what he really wants. It's easy to forget that inside of that 40 year-old body, there really is a 19 year-old kid. In some ways, it's refreshing to see an elite athlete embracing his youth rather than the big pimpin' life that awaits him in the NBA.

But at the same time, this has to scare the hell out ya if you're a Portland fan. In the past, the NBA has devoured plenty of 18 year-olds who tried to make the leap straight from high school to the League before they were emotionally ready. Hopefully, he won't be another casualty.

Of course, Shaquille ONeal has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old, and he's done just fine.

Getting Excited For the Rubber Match

Game 3 of the girl's softball World Series is this afternoon in Oklahoma City. Arizona vs Tennessee, winner take all. While I haven't caught as much of the games as Phillip Fulmer and Pat Summitt, who were both in attendance for game 2 and stayed all 10 innings, I have caught enough of it that I'm actually interested in seeing who wins the whole thing. A few observations from the first two games:

-ESPN2 has been broadcasting the championship series in HD. Where is Jennie Finch when you need her? Actually, as Just Call Me Juice has already mentioned, the Wildcats have done a good job in carrying on the ponytailed pitcher tradition, and have a rather attractive lineup. The Volunteers on the other hand, have a few girls who are built more to ARod's liking. (Tho I do think Natalee Weissinger has got a lil' sumthin'.)

-All three games will feature the same starting pitchers, both of whom pitched complete games in the first two games. If you're going to play a series, there should be some rule in place forcing the game 2 starter to be a different individual than the game 1 starter. Otherwise, you might as well just play a one game, single elimination championship.

-The main physical attributes of a champion caliber non-pitcher are these: Ability to make contact, speed on the bases, slap hitting, fly ball power of 200 feet, and arm strength of about 90 feet. In other words, Juan Pierre would have made one helluva girl's softball player. Maybe the Dodgers can throw a wig on him and send him to UCLA. (Uh oh, I think I've given the Wayans bros. an idea for their next movie.)

-When a runner slides headfirst in a bag and then spends the next minute brushing dust off their chest, it's just delightful.

-The female umpire that's built like a lumberjack and sporting a mullet is not doing much to erase old stereotypes about women's softball.

-Neither is having Holly Rowe as the sideline reporter.

-What is the rarest and most exciting play in girls' softball? An inside the park home run? Unassisted triple play? For my money, it would have to be a bench clearing brawl. I haven't actually seen one yet, but in my mind, it's simply amazing.

Gus Johnson Makes Everything Better

We're still a good half year away from college basketball season, but CBS was kind enough today to give us a Gus Johnson fix at the Reebok Grand Prix, a track and field event in New York (unfortunately, CBS was once again too cheap to use HD cameras at the meet.) Here's Gus's call of the 110m hurdles:



I've missed you, Gus. It feels so good to hear your voice. Call me.

Johnnie Morton Struggles Going Over the Middle

Mixed Martial Arts has been called many things by many people. Some call it "human cockfighting" while others think it represents the complete evolution of contact sports. ESPN just hopes it's something that can garner better ratings than the WNBA and Arena League football. What MMA probably isn't however, is a second career for former professional athletes after their playing days are over.

Johnnie Morton has known better nights than the one he experienced Saturday at the LA Coliseum. He was the hero in one of the most exciting college football games of the last quarter century, catching the game winning pass from Todd Marinovich with 12 seconds on the clock in a 45-42 USC victory over UCLA. (Was that really 17 years ago? Man, this whole getting old thing sucks.) Never quite a superstar in the NFL, Morton did put up four 1,000 yard efforts in the span of five years, making fantasy football players love him (tho Matt Millen would later deride him for any kind of man-on-man love.) After retiring in 2005, the former first round draft pick decided to give mixed martial arts a try, and well, it didn't exactly go as he had hoped:



Well, at least the first 25 seconds of the 38 he lasted weren't so bad. Reportedly unconscious when medical personnel got to him, he was put in a neck brace and taken out on a stretcher. He also has been suspended indefinitely as he refused to take a urine test after the fight. In this case, refusal shouldn't necessarily mean guilt. He did provide a pre-fight sample which will be tested, and if I just got knocked into dreamland after my first fight, I wouldn't be so eager to get out of my hospital bed so someone could watch me pee either.

Still, the refusal means that he will be denied his $100,000 purse, so there's certainly reason to be suspicious that he's revived a new form of a Marinovich to Morton connection. Although if Morton had been taking any sort of performance enhancers, he should ask for his money back.

HTs: Sherdog
Trojan Wire
Bruins Nation
Conquest Chronicles

Writing About Teen Athletes Isn't All Bad

So this week, many members of the mainstream media- Washington Post, Fox News, Chicago Tribune, etc.- took the opportunity to chastise sports blogs for putting a spotlight on Allison Stokke, a world class high school pole vaulter whose pictures of her looking sexy in competition were suddenly all over the internet. Of course the reality is, the only thing blogs did differently than conventional media was picking a sport- track and field- that doesn't usually get much coverage. Had Stokke been an elite tennis player (Sharapova/Kournikova) or golfer (Michelle Wie), then the major sports networks would have already consumed this high school player years ago, capitalizing on both her athletic ability and good looks to improve ratings. Regardless, this week many news outlets derided sports blogs as being nothing more than immature, lecherous, and disrespectful. Granted we may be all of those things, but to imply that we're nothing more than that is just irresponsible. There is much more to the internet community than that. For example:

Yesterday, I was watching the LPGA Ginn Tribute hosted by Annika to leer at 17 year-old Michelle Wie, when I noticed a 15 year-old who was much more compelling.

(Ok, this is off to a bad start. Let's try a more conventional approach.)

Avid golf fans may already know her name, but MacKinzie Kline is still a relative unknown on the LPGA tour. She may only be a 15 year-old amateur, but she has already made sports history. When the Ginn Tribute teed off yesterday, MacKinzie became the first LPGA player to be allowed to use a cart in competition. Born with a congenital birth defect in which her heart has only one ventrical and oxygenated blood flows poorly throughout her body, Kline tires easily. Along with her clubs, she must carry oxygen with her at all times in order to complete her round. Despite her physical limitations, she has excelled in the amateur ranks, and last year was the top ranked 14 year-old golfer in the world according to GolfWeek.

For the last five years, MacKinzie has been a national spokesperson for the Childrens Heart Foundation, an organization which funds research and raises awareness in the battle against congenital heart defects. Her goal is to raise one million dollars by the end of 2007 and she is currently three-fourths of the way there. She is hoping to secure a contribution from the Ginn Tribute (hosted by Annika Sorenstam, who herself is an ambassador for the Make-A-Wish Foundation and has already named that charity as one of the benefactors of the tournament). (The tournament also has a $2.6 million purse, so the golfers themselves have plenty to gain as well.)

MacKinzie Kline was noticeably nervous at the beginning of her round yesterday and had early struggles. By the end of the day, she found herself in last place, at +14. But Kline was able to accomplish something that Michelle Wie wasn't. She finished her round. In doing so, she showed everyone that she has the heart of a champion.

For more stories on MacKinzie Kline, check out:
USA Today
San Diego Union
MackinzieKline.com